Page 6 | DS doesn’t want 1 child from his class to go to his birthday party - help!

mariasgotabrandnewbag · 2025-11-02T07:42:40+00:00

DS will be turning 7 soon, we’ve arranged his party and he wants all his classmates to go minus 1 boy because he says he’s a bully. I’ve explained that’s it’s not nice to leave 1 child out but he’s adamant he can’t have him there. He says he’s a bully and isn’t kind to him. I’ve spoken to school and they said they keep the boys seperate so other child cant have much contact with ds. BUT I feel so awkward about just leaving out 1 child. We did it last year because ds was in tears about it and very distressed. obviously I don’t want ds to be upset or worried at his own party but wwyd? I can send out invites seperately instead of on the mums WhatsApp group and I did this last year but it doesn’t sit well with me. There’s only 16 in the class so not a big class. The mum of said child is not approachable, I don’t agree with her parenting style (swearing/smoking in car with child etc etc) just for some context.

OhMaria2 · 02/11/2025 20:30

Ahhh my son's poor bully would be so sad if I didnt invite him to my child's birthday, and I'd feel so awkward. I better just allow him access to my son out of school so he never feels safe even though it's distressing for ...
Is this a joke thread?

SevenYellowHammers · 02/11/2025 21:39

ThankYouNigel · 02/11/2025 08:12

Wow, I’m so glad you were not my mum growing up! 🙀

Show quote history

Likewise, but you might have better manners if I had.

ThankYouNigel · 02/11/2025 21:45

SevenYellowHammers · 02/11/2025 21:39

Likewise, but you might have better manners if I had.

Show quote history

I have great manners, and showing loyalty to my own child, their safety, confidence, boundaries and rightful enjoyment of their own party come way above any virtue signalling on the school run. I would genuinely lack respect for you.

Things I respect my own mum for:

Instantly removing my own teenage sibling from a school where he was physically beaten, complaining to governors and reporting it to the police. Zero tolerance to violence.
Reporting her own father for sexually abusing my other sibling, ensuring she was safe and that he went to prison.

I couldn’t see you and several others on this thread having the backbone to step up for your child like my mum when you can’t even say no to a child attending a party. It’s genuinely embarrassing when I compare the strong action my mum has taken and how she has always shown loyalty to her children and done anything to keep us safe.

SuperFishy · 02/11/2025 21:52

Don't invite the child, or you are telling your offspring that their feelings are less important than a random person which is not cool.
I get that it's not a great situation where one child is not included, but it's for good reason, and I'd rather my child be happy than worry about another person's kid.

worcesterpear · 02/11/2025 21:54

16 isn't a particularly tiny class - at age 7 your son can't be equally friends with all the other 14. Surely he could invite his best friends to a smaller event and then you and he don't become the bullies. Without being at school with him you don't know the dynamics.

Foxhasbigsocks · 02/11/2025 22:00

Op have school confirmed there actually is bullying?

I have never seen a child in our school not invited to a whole class party ever in over a decade in primary with my various kids. There were of course tricky kids and mean kids as there always are.

nocoolnamesleft · 02/11/2025 22:05

I don't see why a child who is the victim of bullying should be punished by being denied a whole class party unless they invite their bully.

PolyVagalNerve · 02/11/2025 22:09

JeminaTheGiantBear · 02/11/2025 07:52

It would be wrong to invite all the class bar one; & also wrong to invite the bully your son clearly does not want. Two bad options.

In the circumstances I really think all you can do is tell your son he can invite, say, 8 or 9 - a smaller group.That’s what I have done in the past when the wish was to exclude just a couple of kids from the party.

However appalling this child may be, inviting all except him would be bullying in itself - and parents should not bully other people’s children, however nasty they may be.

best response here -
you got to cut the guest list down then you aren’t the one excluding a 7 year old ! ( even if he is a little shit)

Endofyear · 02/11/2025 22:42

I wouldn't invite a child your son doesn't want there but I would be discreet when giving out invitations. And probably next year I'd stick to around 8 children for an activity like bowling or climbing rather than a whole class party.

usedtobeaylis · 02/11/2025 23:35

I think it's a bit tricky but first and foremost imo you need to respect your son. He's learning to navigate his own friendships and social circle and you can support him in it or overrule him in it and undermine his confidence. The trickiness comes from the impact on the other child if he's the only one excluded, I don't have an answer for that.

Edited to add - we had a kind of similar situation at my daughter's 9th birthday and I was a bit tortured over it but my daughter was explicit that it would ruin her birthday if she had to deal with a specific girl. We ended up doing something small with only a couple of friends and that was fine.

MummaMummaMumma · 03/11/2025 06:54

Not inviting the bully is not being a bully. They're causing your child misery, so why should they he forced to have them again Thier own party?
You should respect your child's wishes.
If this was a work thing, you'd not invite your work bully to your party, surely?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/11/2025 07:00

JeminaTheGiantBear · 02/11/2025 07:52

It would be wrong to invite all the class bar one; & also wrong to invite the bully your son clearly does not want. Two bad options.

In the circumstances I really think all you can do is tell your son he can invite, say, 8 or 9 - a smaller group.That’s what I have done in the past when the wish was to exclude just a couple of kids from the party.

However appalling this child may be, inviting all except him would be bullying in itself - and parents should not bully other people’s children, however nasty they may be.

So other kids he would otherwise invite get excluded to make it look it's not all about the bully...

The OPs son is saying as clearly as he can, that this child is bullying him and causing him distress..

I think to have this bullying child in tje OPs home... Her child's safe space is grim.

Endofthetunnel25 · 03/11/2025 07:08

I think it's really hard at this age to differentiate what is being "a bully" and what is an unregulated child, possibly with SEN. I speak as a mum of a little boy who wasn't invited to any parties in reception due to his struggle with settling into school - I've no doubt he was labelled the "mean boy" and left out of parties. It broke my heart. Thankfully we've turned a corner now and he's making friends.
I think being on the other side means I'd find it really tough to exclude one 7 year old from a party. I'd probably try have a word with the mum first and just explain the situation and ask her to keep a close eye on her son while he's there. If she's any sort of half-decent mum, she should be already aware of what her son is like!

CrazyGoatLady · 03/11/2025 07:13

worcesterpear · 02/11/2025 21:54

16 isn't a particularly tiny class - at age 7 your son can't be equally friends with all the other 14. Surely he could invite his best friends to a smaller event and then you and he don't become the bullies. Without being at school with him you don't know the dynamics.

It is not bullying to not invite a child to a birthday party because said child has been bullying. It is keeping your own child safe from harm. All this crap about putting the feelings of the child doing the bullying first, honestly. I can't believe how wet and conflict avoidant some people are on here. Either that or some of you have children who indulge in bullying behaviour and you still think they deserve invites to parties even if they have behaved awfully to the child hosting!

If OP is too wet to stand up for her child's needs, then obviously the smaller party is the solution here. But know that this is also putting the feelings of a child who has been bullying ahead of the victim's feelings.

EatMoreChocolate44 · 03/11/2025 07:18

I think a lot of people seem to be forgetting that this child is 6 or 7! They are still learning to play and interact. My son didn't want to invite one child in his class but as a primary school teacher I see first hand how awful it is when one child is deliberately left out so I told him to be kind and that I would be there watching to ensure everyone was playing nicely. The child came and everyone has a good time.

Friendlyfart · 03/11/2025 07:28

I never liked leaving children out of an all-class party and used to invite about 2/3rds so no-one would get upset. We didn’t have WhatsApp then but school policy was if it wasn’t an all-class party it was up to the parents to give out the invites.
In your case I’d say it’s perfectly legitimate not to invite a bully - your son is the priority and that’s that.

Friendlyfart · 03/11/2025 07:32

EatMoreChocolate44 · 03/11/2025 07:18

I think a lot of people seem to be forgetting that this child is 6 or 7! They are still learning to play and interact. My son didn't want to invite one child in his class but as a primary school teacher I see first hand how awful it is when one child is deliberately left out so I told him to be kind and that I would be there watching to ensure everyone was playing nicely. The child came and everyone has a good time.

Even if the kid is a bully and the birthday child is so upset. This is ‘be kind’ gone crazy. Yes, it’s not nice to leave kids out if they’re pupils who are a bit quiet or have additional needs for example - that is v different if the child is a bully. What sort of lesson is that teaching a child?

CrazyGoatLady · 03/11/2025 07:51

EatMoreChocolate44 · 03/11/2025 07:18

I think a lot of people seem to be forgetting that this child is 6 or 7! They are still learning to play and interact. My son didn't want to invite one child in his class but as a primary school teacher I see first hand how awful it is when one child is deliberately left out so I told him to be kind and that I would be there watching to ensure everyone was playing nicely. The child came and everyone has a good time.

The scenario you describe is different. Excluding a child for no good reason or because they are different or have SEN would of course be wrong. But in this case, the bullying is confirmed by school and the school keep the children apart. This isn't excluding a child because OP's son doesn't like him, it's to keep him safe from bullying at his own birthday party!

6 or 7, assuming no SEN is also old enough to learn that if you hurt others, they won't like you very much. MN posters have ridiculously low expectations for their children, which is why I assume there are so many absolute hellions about, because their parents are treating them at 6 or 7 like they have only nursery level capacity to learn and regulate.

Nobody needs to be unpleasant about it or call the kid a bully. If challenged by the parent, OP just needs to say "oh, I'm sorry, since we were told by the school that they're having to keep your Johnny away from my Joey, I assumed Johnny wouldn't want to come, as it's clear he really doesn't like Joey at all at the moment. If the boys are getting on better by next year, of course we'll invite him"

usedtobeaylis · 03/11/2025 09:26

EatMoreChocolate44 · 03/11/2025 07:18

I think a lot of people seem to be forgetting that this child is 6 or 7! They are still learning to play and interact. My son didn't want to invite one child in his class but as a primary school teacher I see first hand how awful it is when one child is deliberately left out so I told him to be kind and that I would be there watching to ensure everyone was playing nicely. The child came and everyone has a good time.

Learning includes being allowed to set their own boundaries around friendships and social interactions. This is something they are actively teaching in school in recognising what a good friend is. Forcing children and their bullies together is something we should be past and contrary to that teaching.

Deboragh · 03/11/2025 09:30

morellamalessdrama · 02/11/2025 07:55

I seem to be in the minority here but I’d invite everyone.

Feel sorry for your kids. Fancy willingly putting your own child into a state of terror by inviting his bully. Just showing him that you don't give a shit about him and that's all he deserves, horrible.

CurlewKate · 03/11/2025 09:33

I would have a word with the teacher. Is it bullying (in which case why have you let it go on so long?) or is it just them not getting on?

MaggieBsBoat · 03/11/2025 09:35

Please do NOT invite this child.
I ignored the wishes of my dd for years and almost forced her to spend time/play with an absolute terror of a child just because his mum was my friend. She still remembers how awful it was 15 years on. She’s forgiven me but I am very ashamed of my behaviour. Meanwhile said kid is in trouble with the police and generally still as bad now, but bigger! Don’t be me!!

OhDear111 · 03/11/2025 09:45

@CurlewKate ?? The teacher is aware and the school has taken action! It’s the op who thinks dc needs this child to attend the party.

This is where whole class parties don’t work. Scale back to half the class. DS isn’t best mates with all of them!

Onlyinthrees · 03/11/2025 09:57

You seem to be mainly having a whole class party because of the class size. I’d have a smaller party with his friends in this case. As pp said, he can’t be best mates with everyone bar this one kid. It would be nice to have the whole class but unfortunately this kind of thing gets more common after the first year or two of school.
It wouldn’t sit right with me excluding one kid but more importantly, it won’t help the situation.

Dollymylove · 03/11/2025 10:08

Shame we cant go back to the days before this "whole class party" malarkey was a thing.
I remember primary school, late 60s,, I rarely got an invite to a party, I wasnt one of the popular kids. Back then we just sucked it up and hoped next time there would be an invite. Its a shame, imho, that kids these days are expected to invite children they don't like, or have bullied them, to their birthday party