DS doesn’t want 1 child from his class to go to his birthday party - help!

[mariasgotabrandnewbag]

DS will be turning 7 soon, we’ve arranged his party and he wants all his classmates to go minus 1 boy because he says he’s a bully.
I’ve explained that’s it’s not nice to leave 1 child out but he’s adamant he can’t have him there. He says he’s a bully and isn’t kind to him. I’ve spoken to school and they said they keep the boys seperate so other child cant have much contact with ds.
BUT I feel so awkward about just leaving out 1 child. We did it last year because ds was in tears about it and very distressed.
obviously I don’t want ds to be upset or worried at his own party but wwyd?
I can send out invites seperately instead of on the mums WhatsApp group and I did this last year but it doesn’t sit well with me. There’s only 16 in the class so not a big class.
The mum of said child is not approachable, I don’t agree with her parenting style (swearing/smoking in car with child etc etc) just for some context.

Leaving one child out is called exclusionary bullying. By not inviting this one boy, your child is becoming the bully in this situation. I'd insist he have a smaller party or bring the boy.

It is not bullying if the child is excluded because their behaviour poses a risk of harm to another child/children. That's keeping children safe.

Both my DC have SEN. DS1 couldn't cope with big birthday parties at the whole class party age so we used to decline all but smaller events. DS2 loved them but was boisterous, and difficult to manage at 6 or 7. Not a bad kid or bullying, but a bull in a china shop. I completely understood if other parents didn't want to cope with that, or DH or I attended with him so I could take him out if he got too much.

I also did not allow any children who I knew had bullied mine at their parties, and I sent a child home once who picked on another kid repeatedly at a party I hosted. I was badly bullied growing up and I have zero tolerance for it. The feelings of a child who engages in bullying and is subsequently excluded from things as a direct result of that behaviour are for their own parents to manage, not the parents of the victim of said bullying.

Their teacher keeps them apart because of the bullying. Why on earth would OP then throw them together, and on her son's birthday of all days?

The teacher keeps them apart but hasn't addressed the situation as bullying which means there's probably the pair of them in it. I'm a teacher. I keep children apart when there's a clash of personalities. If there's bullying, it would be identified as such and dealt with in a different way.

We don't force, we support children on how to play at this young age. They are still learning and shouldn't be demonised.

My child wasn't being bullied but he did have issues with this child in yr 1 and this year as well saying he annoys him, is unkind etc. I understand the need to protect our children but I just think when they are this young and still learning children should be supported while also intervening when necessary.

What does other child do for his birthdays?Has he ever had a party excluding only your son?

I was bullied in school (as I'm sure a lot of us were), think back to how you would have felt it your mum invited your bully to your birthday party even when you'd asked her not to.

Are you insane? Don't invite the bully!

This is another reason why I'm home educating. Precisely because of nonsense woke bullshit like this. Absolute insanity

@CrazyGoatLady We don’t know if the other child has sen or not. Often dc who don’t understand the feelings of others do have Sen. So what then? It’s not a good idea to exclude one dc.

Of course you don’t invite the bully.

Why on earth would your prioritise the feelings of your son’s bully over your son enjoying his own birthday party?

By a process of elimination small party is your option.

Insisting a child invites a bully to their birthday party is not acceptable. Your child's boundaries should be respected.

Inviting a whole class of 7 year olds minus one child IS a form of bullying. We have no idea what's going on in that little boy's life but a rejection like that is awful. (Despite what some people might think, heaping shame into a child is unlikely to make them behave better).

There's a good example here for your son. He doesn't have to invite the bully of course not. But nor is it acceptable to exclude one child. It's shaming and unkind. Yes the other child was unkind first but that's life kid.

As the parent it's your job to be creative and help them to feel excited about their medium-sized party.

This isn't about leaving a child out because they have a disability. This is about leaving out a child who is nasty to others especially your own, who has a parent who doesn't sound like she cares. If anything is said you can honestly say you didn't feel comfortable inviting a child who's unkind to your DS. Don't try to fluff it with number restrictions etc. This is the time to say this child has been specifically excluded due to inappropriate behaviours.

@pollymere The op has no idea why this DS is like this. Who said a disability? Sen isn’t just about disabilities. At 7 many Dc have undiagnosed Sen and often not being aware of the feelings of others is a symptom. It’s too easy to label a child without knowing anything about their needs or their background. Could be adopted and have suffered an awful early life. You don’t know.

A child no one wanted to play with in DDs class didn’t see his mum for months on end as she was in the RAF and went abroad without him! Posted abroad when he was 2. So he was very naughty to get her attention. He had needs.

However that doesn’t mean this DS should go to a party but those thinking it will teach him a lesson are very wrong. It absolutely won’t as he will probably get a lovely day out with his parents. If he subsequently has sen, are the parents ostracized forever? It’s far better for the op to ask her DS who he plays with all the time and select from them. At 7 he’ll have play dates and not all dc will come to them. DS will know who his real close friends are.

Absolutely do as you child requests. If they kid is a bully you won't be the only ones ostracising him as he grows up. Good lesson for all involved, especially your son.

@dh280125 You really don’t understand child behaviour and how it can be modified do you?

I go back to my original point that the exclusion in this case is about protecting OP's DS from harm, not because he simply doesn't like this child or he's different. School have acknowledged a problem and try to keep the boy away from him.

I assume if SEN were a known factor, OP would have mentioned it. But even if there are SEN, it still stands that if a child's behaviour poses a risk of harm to others, it is not unreasonable not to invite them, and I say this as a SEN parent. Birthday parties, unlike compulsory education, are not a human right.

Its your sons party.
Would you invite someone you didnt like and bullied you .. to YOUR party?
Thought not.
Respect his decision.
The bully will learn consequences.

Glad you're not my mum, prioritising the bully.
What does that say to your child?

I understand what is or isn't mine or my child's problem. I don't know why the child is a bully. I do know that bullying should have consequences.

Did you actually read the OP?!

1.Her son is being bullied by a boy at school.

1. The school are aware of the bullying issue.
2. This is an issue with bullying behaviours.
3. The bullying behaviours are not related to a disability. Please indicate a SEN need that is not disabling to the student if you believe these exist.
4. The son wishes to invite all the children in his class but not the bully. I believe he has a right to do this. And UNICEF would concur with that.

The key thing to remember is that you do need to exclude if someone's behaviours are harmful to themselves or others. And in this case, they are so there is only one appropriate course of action. And this would be my attitude to a child whose parents are in the RAF too. I know this because I've worked with plenty of them.

I hope you are not thinking of inviting the bully. A mum I know had exactly this situation this year. The kids were turning 7. Because she thought to invite the whole class she also came up with this bullshit that you have to invite your bully. The kid, who has boundaries, responded that in that case he didn´t want a party or presents, he´d rather go without. So it was a wakeup call for mum, who instead of sending invites through school did so outside school and kid had lovely birthday. Bully is in my daughter´s class now, so Mum won´t have the same problem this year.

I have always said don’t invite this child! But don’t expect the child to understand “consequences”. It’s simplistic and is not attached to an action. It’s meaningless. This is why we have people committing crimes. They know the consequence is prison but 100,000 people have ignored this.

Obviously identify and invite his close friends. Often Sen parents on here aren’t the parents of Sen behaviour dc. It’s a lonely road and being shunned doesn’t help the parents. That said, the DS should not be invited but it cannot work as a punishment!

This

It's your sons party

If it were your 40th would you invite the bully from work who makes your life hell ???