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Original poster

DS doesn’t want 1 child from his class to go to his birthday party - help!

213 replies

mariasgotabrandnewbag · 02/11/2025 07:42

DS will be turning 7 soon, we’ve arranged his party and he wants all his classmates to go minus 1 boy because he says he’s a bully.
I’ve explained that’s it’s not nice to leave 1 child out but he’s adamant he can’t have him there. He says he’s a bully and isn’t kind to him. I’ve spoken to school and they said they keep the boys seperate so other child cant have much contact with ds.
BUT I feel so awkward about just leaving out 1 child. We did it last year because ds was in tears about it and very distressed.
obviously I don’t want ds to be upset or worried at his own party but wwyd?
I can send out invites seperately instead of on the mums WhatsApp group and I did this last year but it doesn’t sit well with me. There’s only 16 in the class so not a big class.
The mum of said child is not approachable, I don’t agree with her parenting style (swearing/smoking in car with child etc etc) just for some context.

OP posts:
cannynotsay · 02/11/2025 10:10

Listen to your child. What’s wrong with you!!!

MightyDandelionEsq · 02/11/2025 10:21

It’s your job to listen and protect your child. Put your big girl pants on and be ready to tell the bully’s mothers that her kid isn’t coming to your son’s birthday.

OhDear111 · 02/11/2025 10:23

We are only October/November so of course the bully could be an August birthday. He might not be fully aware of what he’s doing in that scenario.

Why don’t dc have a good day out instead of a party? Go to a football match? Go bowling? There’s lots of treats you can do with a small group of dc who have similar interests.

herbalteabag · 02/11/2025 10:25

The school says they keep them apart so the other child can't upset your son. So that's your answer really.
Normally I wouldn't want to leave out one child either, but this is different.

BubblesMacgee · 02/11/2025 10:32

Your son has made his feelings perfectly clear and the school's action in attempting to keep the bully away from him speaks volumes. Do not invite the bully and shoulder any fallout at the school gates. If nothing else drives home to the bullying child the fact that his nasty behaviour brings consequences, then this may do so.

user1479766142 · 02/11/2025 18:11

Leaving one

user1479766142 · 02/11/2025 18:14

Leaving one child out a 7 year old would also be bullying and otracising. He is likely bullying due to childhood trauma (I'm a psychologist) bullies are often the bullied. I would invite a smaller number then your son is respected and you are not causing further psychological pain to the child.

bigboykitty · 02/11/2025 18:26

user1479766142 · 02/11/2025 18:14

Leaving one child out a 7 year old would also be bullying and otracising. He is likely bullying due to childhood trauma (I'm a psychologist) bullies are often the bullied. I would invite a smaller number then your son is respected and you are not causing further psychological pain to the child.

Bullying is a consistent pattern of behaviour and what you describe isn't bullying. Neither OP nor her son is responsible for this boys feelings or psychological wellbeing.

Horses7 · 02/11/2025 18:34

Don’t invite the bully and obviously don’t use WhatsApp group

musicforthesoul · 02/11/2025 18:35

Back your son up and don't invite the bully.

If it was just a case of children who don't get on well I'd feel differently about excluding only one but when bullying is involved it's natural consequences that the bully isn't invited to anything by the victim.

Sennelier1 · 02/11/2025 18:36

Oh bullies don't get invited, that's all there is to,it. If that child, from now on, behaves and doesn't bully your son anymore then maybe next year he has a chance of being invited. 🤷🏼‍♀️

BeddysMum · 02/11/2025 18:43

No, never invite the bully!! Maybe this will help them to learn a lesson that actions have consequences!
Birthday party invites are definitely used as leverage among younger kids.
I would feel horribly betrayed if my mother invited the class bully to my birthday against my wishes.
Don't ruin your son's day because of your guilt about a nasty child.
There were plenty of parties I didn't get to go to as a child, often because my parents wouldn't let me have a birthday party every year and the other kids & their parents played tit for tat. I lived!
These events are important to children. Let your son have the agency to pick
his own guest list or risk harming your relationship.

MMUmum · 02/11/2025 18:47

During the riots a boy whose name I thought I recognised was convicted of affray, I told Dd and mentioned his name
( he had been her classmate in primary), she immediately said ' yes he was a horrible boy' she was able to tell me clearly what he had done to her and her friends at school. It has obviously never left her just how awful he was and she is 22. Please respect your son's wishes.

Sharingmythoughts · 02/11/2025 18:56

Parties tend to become smaller from 7/8 years few go bowling, cinema, paintball, sport or arts & crafts based, soft play centre. Not the entire class

SevenYellowHammers · 02/11/2025 18:58

Iocanepowder · 02/11/2025 08:22

You also don’t need to actively approach the mum of the bully. If she approaches you, you say ‘your DS hasn’t been invited as he bullies my DS. I’ve spoken to the school and they confirmed the need to keep them separated’. And leave it at that.

That’ll drop the school staff right in the SG17

Allthecoloursoftherainbow4 · 02/11/2025 18:58

JeminaTheGiantBear · 02/11/2025 07:52

It would be wrong to invite all the class bar one; & also wrong to invite the bully your son clearly does not want. Two bad options.

In the circumstances I really think all you can do is tell your son he can invite, say, 8 or 9 - a smaller group.That’s what I have done in the past when the wish was to exclude just a couple of kids from the party.

However appalling this child may be, inviting all except him would be bullying in itself - and parents should not bully other people’s children, however nasty they may be.

This is what I'd do.

If you excluded this boy last year (which was a horrible thing to do to a 6 year old, at age 6 they arent 'bullies' so much as children who are still learning how to handle their social interactions) then that has probably contributed to an unpleasant situation between the boys. Tbh your son is a much a bully for inviting every other boy but that one to his party last year, exclusion is a form of bullying. Two wrongs don't make a right.

I would never have excluded one child, if you absolutely had to not invite him you should have maybe only invited up to 10 of the boys so that others also weren't invited.

Likewise this is what you should do this year - although you are more likely to build bridges with kindness by inviting the boy, it sounds like his home life might not be amazing and maybe that contributes to his behaviour. Maybe an opportunity to teach your son how to be the bigger person?

ACynicalDad · 02/11/2025 18:59

The convention that you don’t not invite just a couple of kids I think it’s more for the socially awkward/sen types, if the child is a known bully of your child, absolutely no way they should be at his party. This is the consequence of his actions.

ScartlettSole · 02/11/2025 19:10

JeminaTheGiantBear · 02/11/2025 07:52

It would be wrong to invite all the class bar one; & also wrong to invite the bully your son clearly does not want. Two bad options.

In the circumstances I really think all you can do is tell your son he can invite, say, 8 or 9 - a smaller group.That’s what I have done in the past when the wish was to exclude just a couple of kids from the party.

However appalling this child may be, inviting all except him would be bullying in itself - and parents should not bully other people’s children, however nasty they may be.

Actually it wouldnt be bullying. It would a natural consequence of their own actions.

BreatheAndFocus · 02/11/2025 19:11

Don’t invite the bully! Why would you? It’s cruel to your son and sending him a message that his feelings don’t count and he must allow himself to be upset and possibly bullied at his own party.

As you’ve said that the teacher endeavours to keep the two children apart, they clearly don’t get on at all. I wouldn’t think that the bully would even expect to be invited to the party of someone he dislikes and bullies.

ChristmasChroniclesBookFairie · 02/11/2025 19:14

Your son has clearly said he doesn’t want this boy there. When a child expresses a boundary about who makes them feel unsafe or unhappy, honouring that boundary helps them feel heard and protected. If we override it, we teach our children that their comfort and feelings don’t matter — especially when it comes to people who mistreat them.

Inviting this boy may send the message that bad behaviour has no consequences, and that your son has to tolerate mistreatment to be ‘nice.’ That’s not the kind of kindness we want kids to learn. There’s a big difference between encouraging forgiveness and forcing contact.

A birthday party is supposed to be a day where your son feels safe, celebrated, and happy. It’s not the right setting to try to ‘teach a lesson’ in social inclusion. There are other times and ways to encourage reconciliation — but his birthday isn’t one of them.

Laura19881 · 02/11/2025 19:17

Listen to your son. He trusted you to tell you he doesn’t want him there. He wants to enjoy his party. Having his worst nightmare there would be absolutely awful for him. Do not invite the bully. Invite everyone your son wants to invite.

Jorge14 · 02/11/2025 19:25

This happened when my son was at primary, I always felt terrible about not inviting one boy but he was really horrible to my son & his mum was mean too when we tried to resolve it. I done what my son wanted and I felt his reason was valid but I did always wonder if it was right as it just felt unkind. It’s a tricky one but I guess it’s more important for your son to be happy as it’s his bday.

MadridMadridMadrid · 02/11/2025 19:53

JeminaTheGiantBear · 02/11/2025 07:52

It would be wrong to invite all the class bar one; & also wrong to invite the bully your son clearly does not want. Two bad options.

In the circumstances I really think all you can do is tell your son he can invite, say, 8 or 9 - a smaller group.That’s what I have done in the past when the wish was to exclude just a couple of kids from the party.

However appalling this child may be, inviting all except him would be bullying in itself - and parents should not bully other people’s children, however nasty they may be.

I agree with this. OP, your son should not be forced to invite a child he is scared of, but at the end of the day the other boy is aged 7 at most but more likely only 6. If you invite everyone in the class except him, you are yourself bullying a very young child.

WhatNoRaisins · 02/11/2025 19:57

I'm not comfortable with labelling taking action to protect yourself from someone harming you as bullying. I think that people should always be encouraged to try and protect themselves from people that hurt them.

I get that this other boy is only 6 but he's not going to change his ways because his victims mother issues a badly thought out party invitation.

NimbleDreamer · 02/11/2025 20:28

Don't invite your child's bully to his birthday party FFS.

Equally don't exclude him either. Invite half the class maybe instead of the whole class. Maybe the children your DS is closest friends with.