DS doesn’t want 1 child from his class to go to his birthday party - help!

[mariasgotabrandnewbag]

DS will be turning 7 soon, we’ve arranged his party and he wants all his classmates to go minus 1 boy because he says he’s a bully.
I’ve explained that’s it’s not nice to leave 1 child out but he’s adamant he can’t have him there. He says he’s a bully and isn’t kind to him. I’ve spoken to school and they said they keep the boys seperate so other child cant have much contact with ds.
BUT I feel so awkward about just leaving out 1 child. We did it last year because ds was in tears about it and very distressed.
obviously I don’t want ds to be upset or worried at his own party but wwyd?
I can send out invites seperately instead of on the mums WhatsApp group and I did this last year but it doesn’t sit well with me. There’s only 16 in the class so not a big class.
The mum of said child is not approachable, I don’t agree with her parenting style (swearing/smoking in car with child etc etc) just for some context.

Pp said she's not offended and gets it so why do you feel the need to purposefully reiterate that? I'm sure it's difficult enough for her.

And the point of your comment is?

I think what this other child takes from not being invited to a party is neither here nor there. The OP should prioritise her own child here.

I don’t agree. Not being invited to a party is the very natural consequences of bullying the party holder.

There’s clearly an issue with the child as the school works to keep them apart so it’s not like the ops son is being “sensitive”

I can’t believe all the “that’ll teach him” comments I’m reading about a little 6 or 7 year old boy! What are we talking… infants, year 2?

Imagine how he will feel when he finds out he was the only one not invited. Do people honestly think he’s going to sit and reflect on why?! Of course not - he’ll probably just cry and get angry!

Of course your son comes first OP and you don’t have to invite the boy, but it’s wrong to invite everyone BUT him. Two wrongs do not make a right.

But why should the victim of the bullying be further victimised by not letting him have the whole class party he wants unless he agrees to his bully being there? You shouldn't punish a child for being the victim of bullying.

1.Her 6-year-old son is being bullied according to him.
2.School is not aware of the 'bullying issue'
3.School has seen a need to keep them separate as they don't get along. This does not mean bullying is taking place.

What needs to be considered is whether the punishment being meted out, fits the crime. Being the only one not to attend a class event when you are 6/7 is harsh.
If OP is happy for her son to be excluded from a whole class party come the other child's birthday, then fair enough but I suspect other child won't be in the same position to invite everyone except her son.

It says that leaving one person out is inherently unkind and it's not how we'd like to be treated so we won't treat others that way either. Inviting a smaller crew solves the problem easily.

Is every single person actually attending the party? That's not the norm when you send party invites. You've done it before OP and rightly so. If you can't approach the mother then there's no bridge to build. Listen to your child.

I wouldn’t invite the bully. Your child’s feelings are more important.

We had this issue with both my dd now 17 & ds now 16 when they were in primary school, with my ds for 3 years he was bullied by 1 boy in his class, so we just invited the rest of the class and not the bully, it really wasn't a big deal the bully knew what he was doing was wrong, my ds happiness was my priority so the bully's feelings being hurt didn't even cross my mind. With my dd it was a little different she was bullied by the majority of the class all following one spiteful ring leader, a small group of her friends stuck by her through it all, so when it came to her birthday we spent a couple of hundred on taking dd & her small group of friends on an amazing treat,with lots of activities. When the horrible kids found out what was planned they suddenly started being nice to her, but we stuck to our guns and just invited the actual friends. You have to prioritise your ds, the bullies feelings being hurt should not be your concern, your ds happiness is the only thing that should matter.

Don’t invite the bully. If mum asks the children don’t get along and he’s not invited.

I agree with this solution. A bit smaller party.

I definitely wouldn’t make my child invite the bully to the party, but I couldn’t single out one child.

I'm afraid this is my honest response too.

It's a pity but I think it is the right course.

It just isn't socially acceptable to ostracise one children regardless of how unlikeable they are. Two wrongs don't make a right, and all that, and you can't let that child's bullying justify teaching your own DS the wrong things. Children have to learn that socialising comes with certain acceptable ways of going about it, and smaller parties start to be more normal as they get to about 7or 8 anyway.

But how annoying for you...

TBH if this issue had already cropped up last year, I wouldn't have chosen a whole class party this year and would have gone with an activity with a few friends. Which became more common at 7 anyway.

There is a kid at my DS's school that I absolutely would not invite, but it would feel cruel to invite all but one, especially as the kid seems to have been labled the 'bully' at 5/6 years old.

@BeeWitchy It’s the obvious answer and I have said this all the way through. All class parties are great at times but as personalities evolve, dc always like some dc and not others. So trying to like everyone just doesn’t happen, even in a small class. Loads of parents stop this at around y1 anyway as dc get more friendly with certain dc as interests develop. Parents need to be more aware of how dc develop and not force friendships.

You've probably made your mind up by now, but given the school already keep them apart, there's clearly a problem between the two of them. Also, if his Mum isn't approachable, do you want to encourage any friendship with the boy?

It's very clear where he got his feelings of entitlement and bullying from, isn't it? Even dogs can be taught that good behaviour gets treats and bad behaviour doesn't - why is this such a surprise to the parents of bullies that their victims don't actually like being bullied by them?

Surely 'exclusionary bullying' is based on an event/treat that should be available to everybody by default? Or when one person is left out of a group because of who they are and not because of how they choose to behave?

If it were a school-organised event, I'd understand more - although plenty of schools will deny children who behave badly the opportunity to do the fun things that all of the well-behaved kids get to do. Some of the unpleasant children (mostly bullies themselves) in my DS's former school decided they would trash and graffiti the toilets and left them in a terrible state, incurring a lot of expensive damage, on the very last day at the school. The rest of the kids had some really fun, special, memorable leavers' treats; but these ones missed out and were made to sit in silence whilst their parents and the police were called. Was the school 'exclusionary bullying' them'?

Even more so when it's a private party. Why ever would you choose to invite and pay for somebody who is constantly nasty to you to come and spoil your party?!

Is a judge being a bully by sentencing a relatively very small proportion of people to jail, but by allowing the vast majority of people to keep their freedom and enjoy their daily lives - purely because they haven't chosen to commit a crime?!

I wouldn't invite an actual bully to my DD's party. But I'd have to be SURE my DD was being bullied. By which I mean school have agreed it's a one-sided problem, parents involved etc. A clash of personalities, or a child who just annoys my DD, would not cut it.

Leaving one child out from a party is a pretty terrible thing to do, so my facts would need to be 100% accurate. I try not to walk around thinking my DD is always the angel.

I think your son is wonderful. He has a great sense of justice. The bully doesn't deserve to be invited. Once that horrible boy changes his behaviour he could be invited until he can be excluded. Please buy your son an extra treat. This almost as good as the way Sarah Milligan dealt with a former school bully after she got famous! I wish more children were like your son. There was also a situation on here that someone's son had been bullied by one boy at school. Later in life the man owned a company and a man begged him for a job. He got turned down as it was the person who had bullied the company owner when they were at school. Karma does happen.

I have a message for Crazygoatlady. Even if the boy have special needs he should not bully other children, With regards to the OP ,personally I hope the other children mention that the party was fantastic and it might make the bully think about his behaviour. I hope going forward the other children also exclude the bully as that will send a clear message that bullying makes sure that children get excluded. You have brought your son up so well.

Do you actively invite people who annoy you and with whom you really don't get on to your own gatherings and celebrations?

A birthday party is meant to be fun for the person whose birthday it is; not a chore where you have to put everybody else - even nasty people - above your own enjoyment.

@madaboutpurpleDo you think 7 year olds can stop this behaviour if they have emotional and behavioural sen? Like switch it off? It won’t happen like this.

Why would you want your child's bully at their birthday party?

Schools don't do much about bullying. I was told that my daughter's bully was 'being left out' and they would 'talk to everyone about it' and I said that's because I told her to leave her out becuase she bullies her.

I realise there is little they can do, but that's not for my child to absorb bullying.

I would never invite the whole class either. In fact birthdays I do family and close friends for the party and leave school completely out of it.