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Original poster

DS doesn’t want 1 child from his class to go to his birthday party - help!

213 replies

mariasgotabrandnewbag · 02/11/2025 07:42

DS will be turning 7 soon, we’ve arranged his party and he wants all his classmates to go minus 1 boy because he says he’s a bully.
I’ve explained that’s it’s not nice to leave 1 child out but he’s adamant he can’t have him there. He says he’s a bully and isn’t kind to him. I’ve spoken to school and they said they keep the boys seperate so other child cant have much contact with ds.
BUT I feel so awkward about just leaving out 1 child. We did it last year because ds was in tears about it and very distressed.
obviously I don’t want ds to be upset or worried at his own party but wwyd?
I can send out invites seperately instead of on the mums WhatsApp group and I did this last year but it doesn’t sit well with me. There’s only 16 in the class so not a big class.
The mum of said child is not approachable, I don’t agree with her parenting style (swearing/smoking in car with child etc etc) just for some context.

OP posts:
JaneEyre40 · 02/11/2025 08:03

mariasgotabrandnewbag · 02/11/2025 07:42

DS will be turning 7 soon, we’ve arranged his party and he wants all his classmates to go minus 1 boy because he says he’s a bully.
I’ve explained that’s it’s not nice to leave 1 child out but he’s adamant he can’t have him there. He says he’s a bully and isn’t kind to him. I’ve spoken to school and they said they keep the boys seperate so other child cant have much contact with ds.
BUT I feel so awkward about just leaving out 1 child. We did it last year because ds was in tears about it and very distressed.
obviously I don’t want ds to be upset or worried at his own party but wwyd?
I can send out invites seperately instead of on the mums WhatsApp group and I did this last year but it doesn’t sit well with me. There’s only 16 in the class so not a big class.
The mum of said child is not approachable, I don’t agree with her parenting style (swearing/smoking in car with child etc etc) just for some context.

Oh my God grow a pair, do not invite a child that your son doesn't want at his birthday simple.

I didn't punctuate correctly purely from frustration.

To add, I feel for the bully, poor lad has learned his behaviour somewhere hasn't he.

GehenSieweiter · 02/11/2025 08:03

Sirzy · 02/11/2025 07:58

Is deliberately excluding one person not also a kind of bullying? Two wrongs don’t make a right and if this child is constantly ostracised then it won’t do anything to help things long term!

Excluding her son's bully isn't bullying, it's making it clear that she's standing up for her son. Ultimately OP and her son don't have to invite anyone, especially not someone who is unkind to the son! Excluding someone for prejudiced, nasty or made up reasons, e.g. skin colour, religion, jealousy, snobbery etc., is potentially bullying, especially if that person is singled out.

Iocanepowder · 02/11/2025 08:06

Christ on a bike. Absolutely don’t invite the bully. Listen to your son.

It’s right that the bully has consequences and that your son enjoys his party.

SevenYellowHammers · 02/11/2025 08:06

I think you have to. The bully might bully your son more if you don’t, which I know is an awful thing to say. Insist on invite that you have contact details for every child. Shower the bully with love but watch him carefully. Can your DS’s dad or another dad infiltrate the group bully boy is in and keep him busy and on track? Explain plan to DS and tell him only great things will happen at party but you’re inviting bully boy because if you invite whole class, that’s sort of bullying too. Good luck, I did the last (18th) party for my DS in the summer and breathed a sigh of relief; parties are minefields.

JaneEyre40 · 02/11/2025 08:07

SevenYellowHammers · 02/11/2025 08:06

I think you have to. The bully might bully your son more if you don’t, which I know is an awful thing to say. Insist on invite that you have contact details for every child. Shower the bully with love but watch him carefully. Can your DS’s dad or another dad infiltrate the group bully boy is in and keep him busy and on track? Explain plan to DS and tell him only great things will happen at party but you’re inviting bully boy because if you invite whole class, that’s sort of bullying too. Good luck, I did the last (18th) party for my DS in the summer and breathed a sigh of relief; parties are minefields.

Are you joking?

ApplebyArrows · 02/11/2025 08:08

Sirzy · 02/11/2025 07:58

Is deliberately excluding one person not also a kind of bullying? Two wrongs don’t make a right and if this child is constantly ostracised then it won’t do anything to help things long term!

It's not bullying, it's consequences.

With a bit of luck the child might even get the message that if he continues to be horrible he's going to continue losing out.

Zempy · 02/11/2025 08:10

You back your son on this.

OnlyOnAFriday · 02/11/2025 08:10

Normally I’d say never exclude one child but in these circumstances I’d say 100% don’t invite him. And your son needs to know you have his back on this, don’t make him feel guilty.

AlmostDidIt · 02/11/2025 08:10

SevenYellowHammers · 02/11/2025 08:06

I think you have to. The bully might bully your son more if you don’t, which I know is an awful thing to say. Insist on invite that you have contact details for every child. Shower the bully with love but watch him carefully. Can your DS’s dad or another dad infiltrate the group bully boy is in and keep him busy and on track? Explain plan to DS and tell him only great things will happen at party but you’re inviting bully boy because if you invite whole class, that’s sort of bullying too. Good luck, I did the last (18th) party for my DS in the summer and breathed a sigh of relief; parties are minefields.

It’s not a soap opera or lifetime movie.

Foxyloxy89 · 02/11/2025 08:11

I've been in the same position twice. The first year I did invite the bully and ruined my son's party as he was so worried about what the the boy may do/say. The second year I didn't invite him and his mum found out and it was incredibly awkward for me. My son was happy though and the other boy's behaviour seems to have improved towards my son since. Coincidence or not? I'm not sure.

ThankYouNigel · 02/11/2025 08:12

SevenYellowHammers · 02/11/2025 08:06

I think you have to. The bully might bully your son more if you don’t, which I know is an awful thing to say. Insist on invite that you have contact details for every child. Shower the bully with love but watch him carefully. Can your DS’s dad or another dad infiltrate the group bully boy is in and keep him busy and on track? Explain plan to DS and tell him only great things will happen at party but you’re inviting bully boy because if you invite whole class, that’s sort of bullying too. Good luck, I did the last (18th) party for my DS in the summer and breathed a sigh of relief; parties are minefields.

Wow, I’m so glad you were not my mum growing up! 🙀

Iocanepowder · 02/11/2025 08:12

SevenYellowHammers · 02/11/2025 08:06

I think you have to. The bully might bully your son more if you don’t, which I know is an awful thing to say. Insist on invite that you have contact details for every child. Shower the bully with love but watch him carefully. Can your DS’s dad or another dad infiltrate the group bully boy is in and keep him busy and on track? Explain plan to DS and tell him only great things will happen at party but you’re inviting bully boy because if you invite whole class, that’s sort of bullying too. Good luck, I did the last (18th) party for my DS in the summer and breathed a sigh of relief; parties are minefields.

Fucking hell.

CrazyGoatLady · 02/11/2025 08:13

Sweetestofpeas · 02/11/2025 08:01

We're talking about excluding a 6 or 7 year old child here. He might not seem to be a particularly pleasant child, but he is still a child, and excluding only him would be exceptionally unkind and potentially damaging. Find another option (like only choosing a few friends).

I don't agree. It's not too young to learn that if you bully others, you don't get invited to their parties. It certainly isn't bullying to exclude a child, as another pp suggested, so that your child isn't bullied at their own birthday party.

If the bullying is still going on and the school are actively having to manage it, absolutely not unreasonable to say this child can't be there and you will reconsider next year if it has stopped. It sounds like this child has some poor parenting, so if other adults at school and beyond don't teach that bad behaviour towards others has consequences, who will?

Iamfree · 02/11/2025 08:13

this is the easiest question ever - do NOT invite the bully don’t teach your son he has to be a doormat. I was bullied and still invited my bullies and that made every party more stressful than it would be. If the mum asks, tell her the truth. I am an adult now but if someone tries to bully me I react super aggressively they get so scared that they run away (say at work, builders etc). But I still have PTSD from my primary years

OhDear111 · 02/11/2025 08:13

Why on earth not have a smaller party? My DDs were never friendly with everyone? At 7 they did prefer some dc over others. Your dc doesn’t like one child but he’s probably not best buddies with everyone.

Save yourself the issue and look at whose parties he went with last year. Invite those dc. Scale it back - you don’t need to do a class party.

Girlof6 · 02/11/2025 08:15

Difficult one. My son is the kid who is labelled a bully, he isn’t invited to any of the party’s, always the only one left out. I am however approachable, but I’d feel more awkward if the parent came to me and told me he would be the only one not invited. It’s better just to do it discreetly. My son has severe learning difficulties, adhd autism and other issues. Awaiting an echp so I can move him to a more suitable school, but until then I have to keep him there and unfortunately he is disruptive in class, he can come across as aggressive and mean. But yeah, just be discreet. I’m not offended he gets left out to be honest I get it. But I’d prefer my child not to know.

FenceBooksCycle · 02/11/2025 08:18

It's fine not to.invite the bully but it's not reasonable for that child to be the only child left out. DS can have a smaller party where he invites approx half thr class - choosing a mix of boys and girls and the child DS doesn't want to have there is one of those not invited rather than the only one.

Remember these are 7 year olds! The child shouldn't be defined as "a bully" - the behaviour is bullying, the child has not yet learned reasonable behaviour. The behaviour is unacceptable, the child is a child, who may yet learn. My 16yo is now friends with the child who was a bit of a bully age 7, because a few years later the child learned better behaviour. Protect your child of course, uphold his right to boundaries and to choose not to be friends with a child who can't share nicely and kindly, but don't label that child with a label that will stick - he's a child who hasn't yet learned how to be a good friend.

newbie202020 · 02/11/2025 08:18

I wouldn't invite the bully. And listento your son when he's telling you things like this.

Iocanepowder · 02/11/2025 08:22

You also don’t need to actively approach the mum of the bully. If she approaches you, you say ‘your DS hasn’t been invited as he bullies my DS. I’ve spoken to the school and they confirmed the need to keep them separated’. And leave it at that.

User564523412 · 02/11/2025 08:23

Don't invite him and the kid might actually stop bullying people. The problem with many real life bullies and narcissists is that they are always included in things out of politeness or obligation and they have zero incentive to change their behaviour.

TheaBrandt1 · 02/11/2025 08:23

Seven is old enough to know consistent cruel behaviour to another person is wrong. They’re not toddlers.

Cannot believe some of these responses! Your poor kids sacrificed so you can virtue signal. They’ll remember that you know.

GehenSieweiter · 02/11/2025 08:23

Girlof6 · 02/11/2025 08:15

Difficult one. My son is the kid who is labelled a bully, he isn’t invited to any of the party’s, always the only one left out. I am however approachable, but I’d feel more awkward if the parent came to me and told me he would be the only one not invited. It’s better just to do it discreetly. My son has severe learning difficulties, adhd autism and other issues. Awaiting an echp so I can move him to a more suitable school, but until then I have to keep him there and unfortunately he is disruptive in class, he can come across as aggressive and mean. But yeah, just be discreet. I’m not offended he gets left out to be honest I get it. But I’d prefer my child not to know.

I'm sorry that your son is struggling, and I hope he gets the support he needs.
I can also see why some people may choose not to invite your child though, especially if his disruptive behaviour affects them directly in class, your wording suggests you understand that too.

ShesTheAlbatross · 02/11/2025 08:24

Why do people think it’s bullying to not want your own bully at your birthday party?

I really don’t think you can invite a child when the school have said they keep them apart. I’d double check that this isn’t done because of a mutual unpleasantness (ie is your son also nasty to this boy) though.

User564523412 · 02/11/2025 08:25

Remember these are 7 year olds! The child shouldn't be defined as "a bully" - the behaviour is bullying, the child has not yet learned reasonable behaviour.

7 is absolutely old enough to understand there is never any excuse to be cruel to other people! Empathy develops at 4 so kids are able to understand how it feels to be upset in someone else's shoes. A bit of hitting and biting at 2-3 might be excusable but no way at 7.

didgeridid · 02/11/2025 08:29

Don't force your son into inviting him. You wouldn't invite someone if they were horrid to you.
Your son is doing the right thing and the bully will hopefully learn when you're not nice, you don't get nice things!