DS doesn’t want 1 child from his class to go to his birthday party - help!

[mariasgotabrandnewbag]

DS will be turning 7 soon, we’ve arranged his party and he wants all his classmates to go minus 1 boy because he says he’s a bully.
I’ve explained that’s it’s not nice to leave 1 child out but he’s adamant he can’t have him there. He says he’s a bully and isn’t kind to him. I’ve spoken to school and they said they keep the boys seperate so other child cant have much contact with ds.
BUT I feel so awkward about just leaving out 1 child. We did it last year because ds was in tears about it and very distressed.
obviously I don’t want ds to be upset or worried at his own party but wwyd?
I can send out invites seperately instead of on the mums WhatsApp group and I did this last year but it doesn’t sit well with me. There’s only 16 in the class so not a big class.
The mum of said child is not approachable, I don’t agree with her parenting style (swearing/smoking in car with child etc etc) just for some context.

I think if things are bad enough that the school is keeping them apart then I wouldn't invite him.

I've had times where my younger children have told me not to invite certain people but it's more of a short term falling out and they've been at parties and it's been fine. This doesn't sound short term so I'd trust your child's feelings on this.

OP I know where you are coming from. If it was a class of 30 and you are inviting 15 and not the bully that seems acceptable. Inviting everyone but the bully is a bit off.

Your options are have a party of 8-10 size and not invite everyone. Or just have the party you want and not invite the bully. It’s his party after all.

Just make sure your child is actually friends with all invited and not excluding the bully to try to be mean. You know your child better than anyone if it’s genuine or not. Maybe mention it to your child that they shouldn’t talk about their party in front of said bully etc / etiquette when not everyone is invited.

Smaller party.

I wouldn’t invite the bully but I would not be organising a party and inviting all but one person in the class. I agree with those that say this is bullying of the excluded child.

I wouldn't invite the child. Send invites out as you did last year.
If the parent asks you simply say they are not friends, they are kept apart at school and you won't be expecting an invite to his birthday. Don't get into anything else. Just that.

If someone is horrible then your son has every right to not invite them. Good for him for setting a boundary.

So the school deliberately tries to keep the two boys apart, but you'd deliberately put them together on OP's son's birthday?

In this case you must leave the child out because he’s bullying your son. How would you like someone who scares and humiliates you turning up at your party? Listen to your son.

Sorry op but you’re being very bizarre. Why separate them at school but force him to your party? Respect yours son’s wishes. Mixed messages or what!!!!

Probably not all 15 will be able to go. If bullying child asks then tell DC to say he didn't have enough spaces to invite everyone.

thank you, the school are good to be fair, but I’ll be glad to get him into a special needs school. I do get why he is not invited to party’s, and I’m not offended. He’s only 6 and the other kids call him “the mean boy” which the teachers do deal with but it can be tough, luckily because of the way he is he doesnt seem bothered being labelled that really, I. My opinion, him being called that is bullying though.

I would never accept excluding one child for any reason at so young an age. That's just bullying in return.

I would invite everyone and put an adult exclusively on that child to ensure order or simply invite fewer children.

We had a very similar situation for my son’s 6th birthday. I listened to him because my son so rarely says he doesn’t like someone and the kid in question clearly IS unpleasant and had pushed my son down the stairs at school in the previous year. We solved it by inviting a select group of 5/6 kids out of our son’s class (which is about 17 in total) and also inviting local neighbourhood friends.

Exactly this. Why do you want to invite a child who bullies your son?

@User564523412 Most children develop empathy from 4-5 but not all. 7 is still a developing child. That said, I’d have a smaller party and exclude a dc he doesn’t like. Why are dc forced to like everyone? Adults don’t.

@OhDear111 exactly: kids never learn if everyone’s forced to like them even when they’re often unpleasant. Natural consequences and all that.

It also really undermines you with the school if I were a teacher who had gone to trouble to keep them apart then heard you invited him to your house I would 🙄. Like carefully catering for a veggie for years then seeing them scoff a burger.

If I were having a party and inviting all my work colleagues then no, I wouldn’t exclude one person. However, if I were inviting a selection, then obviously I’d invite those I were friendliest with.

Bullying of the excluded child? The excluded child is being excluded because he's a bully. Actions have consequences. No wonder bullying is rife with comments like this.

so you are teaching your child that he is not allowed any boundaries at all in the name of 'fairness' even if that means he gets upset on his own birthday.

I would invite say half the class .Best type friends only .Lots of parents do this anyway due to costs /supervision and so on .It's a DS party he decides who is or isnt coming surely?

Yes and he wants everybody except the bully!

Year 2 is not too young to learn if you’re not nice to someone you don’t get invited to their birthday party.

Since it’s a bullying issue, I think it’s fine. My answer would be different if your DS just felt other child was odd/ not much in common etc. But in these circumstances it’s fine.

At 7 I think it's all the class or a limited number. I wouldn't leave one child out. 'Your not coming to my party' is a really common tactic used by kids this age too.

Have school confirmed he's bullying? At this age disagreements can sometimes be described as bullying even if it's 50/50 who's actually at fault (or actually the 'victim' who is at fault. My auntie once went into school all guns blazing about someone bullying my cousin... turned out my cousin was actually the one doing the bullying by encouraging the class to exclude a child she'd had a minor falling out with).

If he really doesn't want him there, I would explain that excluding one person deliberately is bullying in and of itself. If he doesn't want to this child at his party that's fine, but he will have to choose a smaller party with just some of the class.

Why do half of the nice kids he wants to invite have to be left out too as “cover” for not inviting the bully? That’s actually mental.

If I had invited everyone, except one person, to an event anywhere I've ever worked it would be a HR issue.

Deliberatley excluding one person is classed as bullying.

In this scenario I would probably choose a smaller celebration with just a few people to avoid inviting someone I didn't like.

Well the boy knows what to do if he wants to go to your DS’s parties - stop bullying DS. It’s his own fault he’s being excluded. If you invite him you’re giving the message to DS that you don’t care about his feelings, and you’re teaching him to pander to a bully.

Fuck being kind. Is the bully kind to DS? Teach him a lesson by excluding him.