DH resents that I don't drive.

[JustineTim]

I have my license but hardly drive. I hate it. I always have. I get soooo anxious and dread it I can't park for toffee which makes me more anxious as I worry about parking once I get somewhere. I just don't have the spatial awareness. I only drive when I have to eg school run which I don't even need to do anymore as kids catch a bus now. So now I hardly drive.

I was in the car with DH after picking up my little one from holiday club and he just sort of said out of the blue. I wish I was in the back and you were driving. I said okay but will you help me how to park. That's the worst part. He said, no, you've got a license, do it yourself. Then my little one joined in the conservation asking why I didn't drive. I agreed and said I know, mummy doesn't drive and then he piped up with "you proud of that are you?. I was hurt and told him to stop being mean. He then accused me of turning it on him like he was the one doing something wrong.

I left it at that but feel quite hurt by it really. I personally don't ask for lifts from him as I generally don't need to. Everything is quite accessible. Maybe he has a point, maybe I should drive and do all the driving. But I think it hurt more as I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too. Things are so much easier now that they are older. It's like he just sees this one thing I don't do but doesn't see all the other ways I contribute.

Has she looked into advanced driving? I do hear you though.

Driving is also freedom, I kinda wanted that for the OP too, to give it another go.

Why would you so disadvantage yourself by not driving? You can drive. I drive. I don't like driving and at the moment I am getting anxious about finding somewhere to park in town when I do a booksale - but if I want to do things like a booksale, or go out in the evening to somewhere it's impossible to get a bus (i.e. it means going into town and out again) or somewhere I cannot reach by bus e.g. in the county, then I drive. I hate parking but I have learned how to do it. I can now parallel park in crowded street, because I had to and did it when I had to and now I can do it. If I didn't drive most of the things that fill my time and make it possible for me to function at all I could not do.
Sod stupid DH - make him help you park - you know, he stands behind you and guides you in, or you find somewhere you can park. But being able to drive is a woman's best defence if she wants to go out alone or in the evening, that she can drive herself there, park somewhere safe and drive home.
And if you practice driving, trying things out in quiet streets or empty car parks you will increas your confidence. You will be independent, able to visit friends, go shopping alone, go out for the day on your own...liberating. Overcome your fear.
And stop doing all the domestics. Let DH do some.

I remember when i first learnt to drive. I was terrified of parking, of driving alone etc. i then moved to an area with very limited street parking. After an hour of finding a spot, I had no choice other than to take as long as it took to park, even if meant holding others up. And I had to do it over and over until I actually became good but also confident at it. You can practice in a car park when it's empty or down a narrow country lane. Parking is a skill and you only get good at it through practice. Controlling the car very slowly, turning and reversing can all be practiced in a quiet environment. You could also have therapy or driving lessons to reduce your anxiety. Certain therapies are highly effective when specifically targeted. You don't need to be able to drive on motorways or through busy city centres or places that you don't know. But being able to drive locally, park and visit friends will give you enormous independence. So I do think that you should face your fears on this one.

Me too. Really bad driver. And much worse if I am tired. Just terrible spatial awareness and can’t do several cognitive tasks at once, so can’t talk and drive etc,

it’s weird because people who find it easy are quite often really invested in seeing it as a character flaw rather than just not having the same strengths. They can be really patronising or rude about it as though there’s some moral failing in being poor at driving.

aside from that OP your husband was being a dick. Maybe tell him ‘hey, I was a bit hurt about how much resentment there was in the way you talked to me about driving. Especially in front of our daughter. I had assumed there was some give and take - like I do pretty much everything around the house, and you drive. Explain to me why that was an unreasonable understanding? ‘

I’d be getting more lessons and improving my confidence.

I think that's simplistic honestly. By other people's metrics I am an excellent driver. I have great spatial awareness and have driven in a variety of countries including Mexico. However something happened when dc1 was a baby (suddenly out of nowhere I had an overwhelming urge to drive into a stationary object at high speed*) and no amount of "practising" since then has improved my confidence. I feel sick and panicky at the thought. I can't sleep the night before and I'd still happily never ever drive again.
I can parallel park though.

OP might knock up hundreds of miles and feel no more confident or safer.

*I managed to stop myself but it terrified me.

Agreed. I went on holiday with a friend who said she would share the driving but she always avoided it because she was “so anxious about driving on the other side of the road” - I had to get on with it then, no sympathy flung my way - just A LOT of driving. It was really unfair. If OP doesn’t use DH to drive her places, fair enough - but I bet she does

He's a bully.

In your shoes I would get some extra lessons, specifically on the bits you find a problem. Id then tell him that I will drive but he has to taje on my tasks ... fairs fair.

The fact he won't help you to learn to park says an awful lot about him as a person.

I live rent free in so many peoples heads because I can’t drive 😂😂 It’s such a weird preoccupation a lot of British people have. A hundred years ago none of the buggers would have been driving so idk why they are so obsessed.

Being forced to be the default driver all the time is really annoying OP.
That said, he should be encouraging you rather than being unkind. He should be taking you out to practice and helping you to improve. Making sarky comments in front of your child won't help you.

Yes that aspect I do agree with, as I think he is using her "incompetence" to shame and belittle her.

I like the idea of her getting her confidence up and driving off into the sunset - with a few little cheerful toot toots on the horn!

It gets people livid. You are right: it's so weird.

Is it because they aren't good at much else so have to inflate its worth?

Not quite the same but I was driving when a lorry almost took me and DC's 4&5 out. It was on a roundabout above a dual carriage way, which was also above another dual carriage way. Google "Renault Clio pushed by a lorry" and you will get a video of a lorry pushing a Clio sideways down a motorway. That was what happened except around a motorway intersection, we were in a Clio too!

I still, 18 years later, feel very panicky if I have to go past a lorry. I got my hire car the next day and asked my best friend to go with me on the same journey because I knew if I didnt do it then, I would never be able to do it again. I was shaking and burst into tears when we got back. People who havent had that kind of experience just dont get how that can stay with you. So many people said that they dont think they would drive again after something like that, I had no choice,but I hated it for years afterwards and avoided it where I could. It is only in the last 2 years I have felt able to not drive a massive gas guzzler that couldnt be missed by lorry drivers.

it’s weird because people who find it easy are quite often really invested in seeing it as a character flaw rather than just not having the same strengths. They can be really patronising or rude about it as though there’s some moral failing in being poor at driving.

Yes, I've noticed that - especially on MN.

He's a fool. As is anyone else who imagines it's a good idea to shame, bully or intimidate someone who doesn't feel confident to drive to do so. Because the very last thing we need on our roads are people who due to anxiety, lack of confidence or competence force themselves behind the wheel, posing a risk to everyone. If you doubt your ability then the decent responsible thing to do is stay off the road. If its holding you back, take lessons and practise at a calm stress free time. But never give in under duress in the moment.

I wouldn’t be the best at parking but I just drive around until I find a good easy spot to go into!

are you a good driver otherwise?

What always starts to emerge on these threads is how much many people actually hate driving.

Maybe as a society we need to move to something else?

I do think it's a breeding ground for resentment. And I say that as someone with poor social awareness who doesn't enjoy driving. But I've done it almost everyday since I passed my test at 24. I've needed to.. and it's not fair to leave it all to one partner. I don't do motorways.. that's my condition.

My thoughts are.... what is needed to increase your confidence enough to share out the driving a bit more.. and share out the housework and kid responsibilities too.

I find it quite funny that there are so many London based MNers (would love to see the percentages over the UK, would guess it is London heavy) where driving is one of the few things that are not needed thanks to the greats public transport infrastructure. Yet it is also weighted heavily towards people who are so angry at people who dont drive, calling it a basic life skill! I once read (admittedly some years ago) someone say that learning to drive was more important than learning to swim as how often are you likely to need to swim compared to how often you are likely to need to drive. Its mad, and I say that as a driver!

@Calliopespa I agree in broad terms.

I should caveat though - although I don't like the chore elements of driving and being 'the driver', on an open road with no one else around, I do quite like the act of driving a manual.

I only took my test in April, at 52! My DH is terminally ill and I live rurally with 2 small kids. Seemed like a good plan lol.

I passed first time, surprisingly quickly. However, whilst I’d learned to park I wasn’t confident about it, so I had a couple of extra lessons after my test to drum it in, plus to cover multi storeys as they terrified me! I also never drove in the dark whilst I was learning so had another couple of lessons to ensure I knew how to use my lights etc efficiently.

I still don’t like driving, and often use my DHs auto rather than my manual when I can but I’m glad I can do it.

I don’t understand the comments saying OP has no excuse. She literally suffers from anxiety and spatial awareness.?!?! Why isn’t that enough? Do you want people on the road feeling like that operating vehicles?

On the other hand, I get the feeling that even if OP did drive, he would slate her driving or actually hate the reality of him being the passenger and not driving.

OP there’s two choices to make. You could get some refresher lessons - I did, 10 years after passing. I swore down id never drive because of how anxious I was. Hated it, feared it.

I love driving now, I practiced a lot myself in quiet car parks, and let the roadworks push me into new routes via sat nav. Every time that happened I was so proud of myself for breaking through a bit more.

Or maybe driving isn’t for you. And that’s just fine. Honestly.

Don’t be ridiculous.

I’ve been driving for nearly six years and I’ve NEVER parallel parked. I do however reverse park every single time, wherever I am (I drive a Land Rover so it’s safer for everyone else if I can drive out forwards, better visibility etc.).

I do all the driving as my DH is a nervous driver, and I do sometimes resent it

I do have a LITTLE sympathy with the husband (god, I’ve said that twice in two days!) My dp had an accident that meant he couldn’t drive for 18 months. There were lots of other things he couldn’t do either, but the only thing I resented was the driving.

...that he knew of...

Yes. The shame about not driving doesn't help anyone.