DH resents that I don't drive.

[JustineTim]

I have my license but hardly drive. I hate it. I always have. I get soooo anxious and dread it I can't park for toffee which makes me more anxious as I worry about parking once I get somewhere. I just don't have the spatial awareness. I only drive when I have to eg school run which I don't even need to do anymore as kids catch a bus now. So now I hardly drive.

I was in the car with DH after picking up my little one from holiday club and he just sort of said out of the blue. I wish I was in the back and you were driving. I said okay but will you help me how to park. That's the worst part. He said, no, you've got a license, do it yourself. Then my little one joined in the conservation asking why I didn't drive. I agreed and said I know, mummy doesn't drive and then he piped up with "you proud of that are you?. I was hurt and told him to stop being mean. He then accused me of turning it on him like he was the one doing something wrong.

I left it at that but feel quite hurt by it really. I personally don't ask for lifts from him as I generally don't need to. Everything is quite accessible. Maybe he has a point, maybe I should drive and do all the driving. But I think it hurt more as I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too. Things are so much easier now that they are older. It's like he just sees this one thing I don't do but doesn't see all the other ways I contribute.

How do you get to work if you don't drive, OP?

It's not just about the driving, is it.

He is wifework-blind - ignores or cannot see ALL the work you do to keep home happening AND working a job, too.

Get some driving lessons in. Stop mentally chucking broken glass under your own tyres, change your mindset, practice, learn the techniques and practice and build your confidence and skill.

Get better at it.

Get yourself a car.

Not so you can take on yet MORE tasks, it's so you feel more independent and self reliant.

Well that's all well and good until it isn't.

I'm now widowed, and I live in an area where there's very little public transport. If I'd given in to my dislike of driving, I'd be stuffed, and my life would be extremely restricted.

Unless you live in central London, driving is a necessary skill, and not one that anyone should let lapse. All the more so if you have children.

What a weak arsehole. Men usually don't care at all if a woman doesn't drive (in fact many prefer it). Every single driving woman I know is shacked up with a non-driving man who uses her as a taxi service. Unless you live very rural, as a woman you dont need to drive. I don't and don't intend to, yet all of my boyfriends were drivers. It does seem strangely important to women however (in fact a lot of girls in my sixth form seemed to be attracted to boys simply because he had a car 🙄)

There's nothing worse than being the only driver in a household.
'8hr drive? All me'
'lifts to work? All me'
'3am rescue when no taxis? All me'

You should drive . It’s a basic life skill .

I too am nervous of driving. I don't like it but I have seen more and more womrn i know lose their independance not driving.
His reaction is not great but I would perhaps think about yourself the less you drive the less you will want to. Go out with him do loads of parking practice buy a car with park assist. But try not to give up driving.(I listened to driving anxiety podcasts) you can do it

@Northernandproud89 It's not the man I see as weak at all here. Quite the opposite to be so reliant on a man.

But not an essential life skill

Right so why is every single driving woman I know with a non-driving partner?

If people stopped treating driving like a must do, essential ‘life skill’ then there would be fewer people dying on the roads, some people just shouldn’t drive…

Tell him you’ll start doing 50% of the driving if he does 50% of the cooking, 50% of the cleaning and 50% of the child stuff…he will sharp change his tune…

as for ‘OP shouldn’t be so reliant on a man’ -why shouldn’t she? Shouldn’t your husband be the one person you actually rely on? Especially considering he relies on her for everything else?

I think he is always feeling the responsibility of the one to get everyone everywhere and on time.. If this was a woman saying her man doesn't drive there would be 100s of posts saying this is ridiculous etc he should drive. At the end of the day if you live in a rural area you need to get this sorted. Get an automatic car, more driving lessons..whatever it takes. You won't regret it.

It didn't used to be when the roads were full of buses. But for many people, it is now. Or at least not driving is now incredibly restrictive unless you live in a city.

@Northernandproud89 Judging by your username I'm a decade older than you. Every single boyfriend I have ever dated/been in a relationship with has driven. This includes my two husbands (my ex and my now husband - I'm not married to them both - thank God!)
I wouldn't choose to be in a relationship with someone who didn't drive.

@LEWWW My husband and I do exactly that. Teamwork.

I disagree . I live somewhere with no public transport so a medical emergency could be fatal without being able to drive .

We tend to take it for granted that every "normal" person can and should learn to drive and drive well, but it's a dangerous assumption.

Many otherwise competent people will never have quite enough spatial awareness and the precise reaction responses required to reliably and safely handle a car, in all typical traffic situations, let alone occasional emergencies.

People who realise that their lack of confidence is well-founded should be trusted in this, for everyone's sake.

My mum is 58 and never driven a day in her life. She waits for someone to be available to take her if she cant take herself or I take her where she needs to go or pick stuff up for her. Thats just who she is, she didnt feel comfortable driving and thats ok. We have tried a couple of times to get her to get a licence and she never gets past a learners. We deal with it , its not a big deal, its no inconvenience to anyone else only herself when she needs to go somewhere and cant get there herself. Also when me and my husband go out together, im a passenger princess lol I never drive, he hates being passenger and I hate driving, however im very good at if I dont say so myself haha. But he isnt bothered by it or puts me down. I wouldnt put up with the mean remarks from your partner and id tell him very strongly to get over himself and get use to it.

My DH has a license but hasn’t driven for 20 years as it makes him too nervous. Pisses me off a lot tbh. I have definitely lashed out about it a few times. One of main reasons for moving back to a city was because I was bored of ferrying him / everyone else around.

Thank you to everyone who has commented with your views. I have taken it on board. Yes, my DH was being horrible about it but does have a point. My marriage issues are for another time and thread.

I just want to make it clear that I do want to be able to drive. It's the confidence issue. I am a person who lacks confidence. I am messed up from childhood. I honestly wish I had the confidence. My anxiety about driving is a bit complicated.This might sound crazy but a few years ago, I went to therapy and I had just started to drive and do the school run and it came up in my therapy that I was finding driving panic inducing.

We talked through my thought processes and basically, my therapist linked my abusive childhood to my anxiety to driving. What I hate about driving is being on the road with other drivers, parking and not knowing what there will be on a journey, the unexpected.

I'm too scared to practice driving / parking, but what I'm actually anxious about is annoying people, holding them up, getting angry at me, laughing at me doing it wrong. I was extremely anxious around any human as a child as the behaviour towards me was unpredictable, unprovoked and I didn't understand what would trigger it so my coping mechanism was to become invisible, not be seen, stop existing. I had selective mutism as a child and as an adult I have social anxiety.

Driving is very much me taking up space literally on the road, it involves me holding people up, annoying people who are rushed, a myriad of things. I don't know what thoughts are in other people's heads who hate driving.

I'm so glad I started this thread as it's given me the encouragement to get back in the car. I want to do this for me and my kids. I think I need to start working on myself too, maybe try therapy.

Thank you so much to whoever suggested the Conquer Driving YouTube channel! I've spent my evening watching loads of videos! They are fab..I work across 2 offices which are both walking distance. But I'm going to take the car in once a week and just pay for parking! Also, my youngest goes to breakfast club so Im going to drive her there. These are only very short journeys but it will get me using the car most days.

That sounds really positive - good for you.

As you say the other issues are for another thread - this is about improving your confidence and it sounds like you are taking absolutely the right steps.

I think that therapy would be very useful.

Because it seems that this isnt just a driving issue. I think that your way of dealing with it is brilliant and I am so happy that you are determined to conquer it. Your horizons will widen so much!!

But....sorry....I think that you have made yourself invisible in your marriage too. If you do everything then he has nothing to complain about. Now he has complained you are making sure he has nothing to complain about by solving the one thing he doesnt like, so you are invisible again. I mean... sure solving it does have a positive result for you, but thats not why you are doing it is it? You are doing it so he doesnt have a reason to see you and moan at you.

First place you need to drive to? A therapist; to help you with standing up and saying "I dont want to be invisible. Without me your life and the kids lives would fall apart. I deserve respect and gratitude for all that I do, and you need to pull your finger out and and do your share too". Because it seems that as long as he doesnt get pissed off with you, you will do anything to keep that status quo and that aint right.

You are an incredible person who deserves to be seen, heard and respected.

Also OP, I see you were awake at 00:40, why not get in the car and go for a drive late at night? When there will be basically nothing on the road. You won’t have to worry about other people.

Go out at night and get used to the roads. Get a feeling for the pedals and gears again. Familiarise yourself with absolutely everything! Then hopefully it’ll build your confidence a bit before going straight out at rush hour in a morning to your office or the school run, where you will most likely panic.

Just the tired, the drunk and the crazy out there on the roads. Not to mention ops brain might be whispering in her ear as she drives ‘you are feeling slleeeeeeppyyy. Your eyes are clooooossssiiinnnggg’

Believe me, tired drunk and crazy people can be on the roads at any hour.

I was just suggesting night time could be a good time for a little drive when there’s barely anything on the road compared to rush hour in a morning… when everyone is in a rush which makes the OP anxious.