DH resents that I don't drive.

[JustineTim]

I have my license but hardly drive. I hate it. I always have. I get soooo anxious and dread it I can't park for toffee which makes me more anxious as I worry about parking once I get somewhere. I just don't have the spatial awareness. I only drive when I have to eg school run which I don't even need to do anymore as kids catch a bus now. So now I hardly drive.

I was in the car with DH after picking up my little one from holiday club and he just sort of said out of the blue. I wish I was in the back and you were driving. I said okay but will you help me how to park. That's the worst part. He said, no, you've got a license, do it yourself. Then my little one joined in the conservation asking why I didn't drive. I agreed and said I know, mummy doesn't drive and then he piped up with "you proud of that are you?. I was hurt and told him to stop being mean. He then accused me of turning it on him like he was the one doing something wrong.

I left it at that but feel quite hurt by it really. I personally don't ask for lifts from him as I generally don't need to. Everything is quite accessible. Maybe he has a point, maybe I should drive and do all the driving. But I think it hurt more as I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too. Things are so much easier now that they are older. It's like he just sees this one thing I don't do but doesn't see all the other ways I contribute.

Driving is an important life skill. I’m honestly seeing more and more women accepting their husbands are the driver and taking a back seat (pardon the pun) from doing the driving. Over time it becomes an issue in that slowly but surely the woman doesn’t drive. I have a friend who wont drive and relies on her husband to take her places. We can’t meet unless he gives her a lift. And she lives way out. It’s very frustrating. She used to be full of independence. How old are your children and how do you manage ? Taking them to clubs? Play dates? Away sports games? Doing the big shop? Hospital appointments? Dealing with elderly relatives? As families grow things become more and more inaccessible too!

I would be frustrated if it was my partner !

@JustineTim I have my license but hardly drive. I hate it. I always have. I get soooo anxious and dread it I can't park for toffee which makes me more anxious as I worry about parking once I get somewhere. I just don't have the spatial awareness. I only drive when I have to eg school run which I don't even need to do anymore as kids catch a bus now. So now I hardly drive.

Try building up experience. Slowly build up to longer journeys and more complex roads. If you feel anxious, then pick times of the day when the roads are relatively quiet. Use satnav too if you are worried about getting lost.

If you feel anxious about not being good at driving, then please remember that the roads are full of people who are bad drivers. You won't be the worst driver on the road. Just drive carefully and have good observation, that's the key thing.

its (a very big) part of the reason why after 20 years of marriage, I said enough is enough. My new DP drives, and I love the fact that he can help out by popping to the shops or picking up DC. (He also cooks and cleans much better than I do.)

This has to be one of the most depressing, unromantic things I have heard in a long time.

I really get that, OP. If he was doing half of all the chores and working similar hours AND taking on all of the driving, he would have some reason to feel aggrieved. But he doesn't, and he was being mean having a dig at you in front of your child, and then saying him having a dig was your fault too.
For your own sake it could be good to have some special driving lessons focusing on what you believe are your weak points. At least you'd find out whether you just lack confidence or whether it would be better for you not drive because of your lack of spacial awareness.

I would love to be good and confident at driving and I do want to get better but don't know how

It's the same as getting better/more confident than any skill...you practise. It's no good just not doing it and telling your kids mummy can't drives you can, you were competent enough to pass your driving test which lots of people fail. Just do it.

Your husband can start cooking and doing more housework as well.

I think hubby should've spoken to you much much better over this issue..

My better half's ex didn't drive and refused to learn. Resentment came to a head when his neck went when they were on holiday and he had to drive home in agony. He was just fed up with it always being down to him. I do drive but illness has steadily taken away my confidence and I will only now drive short and slow journeys, won't drive on motorways anymore. But I can at least do chores, go to the skip, shop, take myself to hospital etc.

You mention that you used to do the school run, well, even if able to go back to those days where you can drive locally am sure will help. Parking - meh, it's super easy when you get used to it. Some teachers can show you a trick too, where you can line up a certain point in your car before turning the wheel when doing parallel parking. Cars these days beep like mad at you if get too close to others so it's not like you'll prang the car! Carparks - just go further away from the shop/whatever, where there are normally loads of spaces until you get some confidence and the knack.

Best of luck, I hope that you will have the ability to meet him in the middle. If a super-no no, and you really can't do it, at least you'd have shown your hubby that you tried. Nobody can ask more than that.

He's been a bit of a dick about it but I can understand his frustration..could you not book some extra lessons and then take yourself off to an empty car park to practice?. Everyone feels nervous when they start driving on their own. Take your power back, you don't need him to help you. Get out there and help yourself.

Missing the point perhaps but why would he be in the back if not driving? Don't you sit next to him in the passenger seat?

I do more than my fair of housework and he drives as necessary. That’s a partnership surely.

This is what I think.

Surely the lovely thing about a partnership is the dovetailing of strengths and each bringing something different to the table? The idea that "I drove here, so you have to drive there" or "I washed the last four pairs of dirty underpants so the next four are for you to wash" is a fairly sad way to divide things up?

You have passed your test? You have a licence? So therefore you have reversed parked , reversed around corners and parrell parked to a standard that allows you on the road - legally

YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH

But I get you, its getting the experience and confidence , its scary and its easy to pass the buck

I park driving in at work on three days a week,2 days I have to reverse in - for me a total bloody nightmare, but Im now doing it with confidence after a couple of months

Your partner wasnt wrong, he knows you can do it - you did after all pass your test, now its up to you to practice and get that confidence

Hear hear, well said.

My ex used to be the same. If it wasn’t for the fact I left him for something else I would have seriously contemplated leaving him for that. I had a licence but driving sent me into panic attacks. I never asked for lifts so his digs really got on my nerves and would make me very anxious. I don't think people who have never experienced serious driving anxiety understand.

Nobody can ask more than that.

But that's kind of the issue: she has tried and he IS asking more than that.

Surely giving it a go isn't forcing her to press on till she actually runs someone over?

When my father had to give up driving due to his advancing eye issues (now almost blind) it hit him so hard. He absolutely hated it, it was proof he was ageing and to him it felt like failure. So he didnt tell people.

He said "oh why would I drive when [my mother] wants to drive, there is a bus stop at the bottom of the road and my pass is free!" Sold the car and pretended he had chosen to give up driving. To a man who loved driving and the freedom it gave him he hated it. When my mother had to give up too when she developed epilepsy in her 70's he was quite happy about it, because it meant that now they were the same. He wasnt being horrible, it was just that he didnt feel so alone. Before that he was the only person he knew of his age that had been forced to give up driving (that he knew of.....I am sure others had quietly done it too) so it felt, to him, like there were in it together. And mum found it easier because he had already navigated the alternatives to driving. Also.....muggins here did the heavy lifting until they really did have it all sorted! (No I didnt mind, it was lighthearted).

I have horrendous spatial awareness, I walk into something every day and if I’m carrying something wider than me I cannot tell if I can fit through a space without physically trying (like carrying a tray through a partially open door).

It doesn’t stop me from driving and parking though. I will be overly prudent in giving way if I’m not sure I can fit through a gap with an oncoming car, I often park further away than the most convenient spot but with the camera technology in cars today lack of spatial awareness is not a real barrier.

I do still ask DH to park the car in the garage though as that’s too tight for me to attempt…

But there are plenty on here admitting that they can't parallel park yet they have licences. So it DOESN'T mean they are good enough. It just means they managed to on the day. If you can park 4 out of every 10 times, that isn't really good enough.

was in the car with DH after picking up my little one from holiday club

So although your kids don't need you to do the school run any more as they get the bus, you still have one 'little one' young enough to need holiday club? Does that mean you have many years more of getting this one to and from school/clubs/parties etc?

I think a partner not driving would be really annoying, but his attitude is not on. I suggest at 5 or 5:30 or whenever you’d start cooking you say I’m going to go practice driving, dinner is Bolognese/whatever can you cook it please. Go out and practice driving. Then do the same thing again the next night, and if he gets pissy say oh well if I have to pull my weight in absolutely everything in this family then so do you - cooking cleaning parenting it’s about time you stopped just letting me do it all. And I’ll drive sometimes and overall have sooo much more free time now you’re stepping up, this is what happens when you completely fail to appreciate your partner. I’ve cooked for the last ten years and hated it and you can’t handle two days. I haven’t planned dinner tonight so you can work something out, im practicing my driving. Last nights dinner wasn’t very nice, you have a lot of practising to do, and it also doesn’t feel very nice ti not be appreciated for all you do.

This post almost makes me wish I couldn't drive!

I'd be out parallel parking for twenty minutes every time the loos needed cleaning!

I agree with your partner. I drive, my husband doesn't. I drive everywhere and hate it. We just got back from a week down south approx 3 hours away and I would have loved to sat in the front as passenger!
I really envy couples where both can drive. Sorry OP but its so hard being the driver of the family. It makes my life so hard!

I can see your husbands’ point, but he is being a dick about it.
Presuming you want to drive again you just need to increase your confidence. Go for a short drive on your own or with a calm trusted friend or family member, to a car park and practice. Choose a quiet time like early Sunday morning.
Practice parking until it gets easier.
I am a terrible parker and spatial awareness does not come naturally. It’s a running joke now but I always make a joke of it and say first ‘don’t laugh at my driving’.
I love driving though; I would hate to leave it in the hands of a man, although my mum never drove and my father hated giving us lifts and used it against us, so go figure.

I doubt you will regret giving it a try.

I would find this very fustrating, you do have a licence so are deemed competent.suggest getting more lessons and dealing with the anxiety.he was fustrated and annoyed today and I think that's okay and you can acknowledge his fustrating and work together for A you to become more confident and B to educate him on how you feel...

For your own sake you need to keep your driving up. You don't know what the future holds but if you become unable to drive your life will be a lot harder when you get older.

I completely agree. Some people just shouldn't drive. Lack of confidence, lack of spatial awareness & general lack ability.
Also if you are worried & panicky, doesn't help the sheer concentration required to drive well. People say it's just driving. A car can be a lethal weapon. It's not just yourself you hurt if it goes wrong.
OP I believe you are doing the right thing, if you aren't a happy driver. No amount of practice is going to make you one. Tell DH to give his head a wobble & get over himself. You do more than enough in other areas.
My DH doesn't drive never has, he himself says he just doesn't have the sustained concentration level to be safe & gets distracted very easily. But he gets himself about under his own steam 99% of the time I give pick him/give him a lift at most twice a month usually due to public transport issues.

This is one of those "its about X" posts that turns out to be about a selfish arsehole who wants it all without him actually doing anything. He wants a wife who has sex with him and kids who love him, a nice home, nice food, clean clothes, clean kids, clean bog.....but he doesnt want to do anything to create those things.

So he does fuck all in the house, fuck all with the kids, fuck all with life admin and fuck all to make his wife feel loved, respected and appreciated. But expects his wife to work full time, pay her share of everything, do all of the house work, kid work, life work, put out for him AND he resents doing the majority of the driving.

Why the fuck are you giving this piece of shit house room OP?

The driving thing I think that you do need to reconsider as with help from the right sort of instructor and practice, you will be good enough for local driving even if you dont want to tackle longer journeys, so it will make your life easier.

The marriage......that definitely needs looking at ASAP. No instructor or practice will turn him into someone who isnt a selfish arsehole who treats the person who facilitates his entire life like shit.