DH resents that I don't drive.

[JustineTim]

I have my license but hardly drive. I hate it. I always have. I get soooo anxious and dread it I can't park for toffee which makes me more anxious as I worry about parking once I get somewhere. I just don't have the spatial awareness. I only drive when I have to eg school run which I don't even need to do anymore as kids catch a bus now. So now I hardly drive.

I was in the car with DH after picking up my little one from holiday club and he just sort of said out of the blue. I wish I was in the back and you were driving. I said okay but will you help me how to park. That's the worst part. He said, no, you've got a license, do it yourself. Then my little one joined in the conservation asking why I didn't drive. I agreed and said I know, mummy doesn't drive and then he piped up with "you proud of that are you?. I was hurt and told him to stop being mean. He then accused me of turning it on him like he was the one doing something wrong.

I left it at that but feel quite hurt by it really. I personally don't ask for lifts from him as I generally don't need to. Everything is quite accessible. Maybe he has a point, maybe I should drive and do all the driving. But I think it hurt more as I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too. Things are so much easier now that they are older. It's like he just sees this one thing I don't do but doesn't see all the other ways I contribute.

I understand this, I do drive and am a good driver (I think), but driving to unfamiliar places makes me really anxious and I would never drive into a big city I didn’t know or abroad - I would rather just not go on the type of holiday that would require me to drive abroad.
So if we go anywhere long distance or unfamiliar or actually most outings as a family DH drives because he doesn’t mind and he doesn’t get stressed about it.
I also appreciate that he has done all the driving so on long trips I’ll be the one queuing for coffees etc while he sits down.
So yeah I think he’d get frustrated if I refused to drive at all but is completely fine with me mostly driving on shorter local trips and to work.
It sounds like you live somewhere you don’t really need to drive much so YANBU.

Agree with others. Driving is one of the most brain-tiring things you can do, and so I don’t think it is fair.

It is confidence, and that comes with practice. You have to practice parking when it doesn’t matter to get used to it, or have a lesson once a week for the next six months.

Haven’t read the entire thread, but I want to offer you some solidarity OP. I have a license and learned to drive late and under duress because I was pregnant. I HATE it. I can do all local driving and do all the family shopping and take kids to local hobbies, but it is a phobia that manifests in such a physical response on major roads and roundabouts that I believe I am often a danger to others. I have tried exposure therapy, driving in places that freak me out, and taking all the unhelpful comments from family and friends which have only made it more of an issue. It pisses me off when people get irritated with me because I have done everything in my power to get over it, but a part of me wishes I’d never learned because then I wouldn’t have to subject myself to being so uncomfortable to please others. I did some motorway driving at night recently and was sweating so badly afterwards that it looked like I’d had a bucket of water chucked over my head. For all those of you saying get some refresher lessons, think of something that scares the shit out of and try to be more compassionate than judgemental. If you were scared of heights, no one would expect you to just overcome it. Unfortunately, not driving is considered to be very weird, but at least the OP braved her test. After that, it’s not really anybody else’s business to shame them. I can 100% guarantee that it certainly won’t help.

I don't drive so my daughter's dad does it all. I make a point of walking and using public transport with my daughter. Absolutely nothing would entice me to take up driving, absolutely nothing.

Edited to add, there isn't that much of it. There are journeys he drives that he could choose to walk or use public transport but doesn't. I'm grateful he can drive to the supermarket and take our daughter to her activities but equally the times he chooses to drive aren't my burden.

Actually I think that it means they do have some experience with working with people with issues caused by anxiety. Passing a test just means you are safe to drive, it doesn’t do anything for all of the situations you encounter.

You can disagree “not in my experience”…but you don’t have to be disrespectful about her reasoning.

I'd strongly suggest you find your local group of Institute of Advanced Motorists and join them for a course. They're run by volunteers and you get an "observer" (experienced advanced motorists) to take you out for maybe 8-12 sessions of around an hour. The observers are trained to be supportive and patient. Cost from memory is currently around £300 for the entire course.

Hey OP, I quite like driving but I absolutely suck at parking. I've been driving for 23 years now and I'm still shit at parking.

I am the designated driver in our household as DP has medical issues that flare up if he drives for too long. However, when we go to certain places - like the local tip for example - I'll pull over just before we get there and DP will drive it and park up. The parking angle is really tight at the tip and there's always a line of men standing there watching - it is really stressful! Thankfully my DP is lovely and just helps with the things I'm shit at. Your issue isn't that you're nervous about driving/parking, it's that your DH is an arse.

That aside, don't be afraid to park further away. If you're not vying for the nearest parking spot and don't mind walking further, it's often much easier to park.

Good for you on being determined to give it a go. And when you feel ready, do post about your DH separately as it sounds as if you could do with some support there too 💐

Just going to echo the plea to practice more and don’t give up. I was in a relationship with a non-driver for a few years and it is wearing, incompetence just isn’t an excuse. I would now never be in a relationship with a non-driver unless current DP develops a medical condition that curtails his driving ability. I’ve also worked with non-drivers and it caused bad feelings amongst colleagues for various reasons, the ones who, like @JustineTim can drive but chose not to, or would only drive in specific areas or certain distances or only in fine weather, were very unpopular because everyone else had to.

DH and I do not view driving as a pleasure, so we take turns. Sometimes we decide who is driving when we go to the car, others when inside the house. I passed my test when children were starting school and DH was in hospital for a knee operation, so he couldn't drive for a while anyway. Public transport was a nightmare also. So there really was no option apart from asking neighbours.

I find reversing into a parking space easier. Putting a small marker in the middle at the bottom of the back window helps so you can line that up with any obstacles. Go out on a quiet day on your own and practice parking. No one in your home needs to know how you get on and it will build confidence. Take confidence building lessons as well: they will be well worth the money.

The only way I could tolerate a partner/spouse that didn’t drive was if there was a medical cause behind it e.g. epilepsy. We got our kids onto it from the day they became eligible to get their learner’s licenses, as we believe it’s an important life skill.

If parking is so much of an issue, get a few lessons and just have them focus on parking as you must be able to drive otherwise to have your license?

So sorry you find driving that bad. I find it boring: DH paid for an experience day driving tracked vehicles (55 tonne tank, personnel carrier, mounted gun ...) absolutely fantastic. Have a go: you are under instruction with the tank etc and very unlikely to mess up. It might give you more confidence and fun than just driving a car!

This. Ask him to pay.

Get yourself some more lessons and therapy. But expecting your husband to do every bit of driving when you are capable and letting your fear hold you back is imposing on him.

I wouldn't have a partner that refused to drive when they were capable.

I do think that driving is a life skill, like learning to swim. Even if you don’t own a car, you never know when you will need to drive in an emergency. But in your case, you can drive, youre just not confident. As others have said the only way to be more confident is to do it and practise. In your mind, you have compensated him for not driving by doing the household chores etc. In his mind, you’d have to do that anyway but he also sees it as slightly pathetic that youre too scared to drive. I can see why youre hurt but it is a genuine question in your family and I think they also see it as a separate issue to doing the chores - I don’t think that will come into their minds when talking about your driving. So either put your foot down and say no, I’m too scared to drive (bearing in mind youre role modelling this to your kids) or get into the car more. The chores is a different issue but I would also concentrate on the division of that too. Have to say I would find it frustrating being with someone who can’t drive and is ‘helpless/hopeless in that regard and would probably ask you to drive more as well. Try short local journeys first, you don’t have to be pelting down the motorways! Good luck.

No, this is not right.

There is a big difference to training in something, repeatedly challenging yourself even when anxious, and deciding it is too hard and avoiding it wherever possible.

There are a lot of people on this thread who seem to see being anxious as a reason not to do something. But if we avoid all anxiety we would never learn anything new. One reason to push out of your comfort zone is if you have no choice - you are a single parent, live rurally and have to get your kids around. But in a situation where you feel there is an alternative - like a partner who can drive - it is too easy not to push through the anxiety. Too often, when people have anxiety, they expect their partner to take on whatever it is they are anxious about. If you have discussed it in advance and they are fine with this, great. But here it sounds like OP has just assumed it would be ok. For OP to put the other split of chores as a reason is another way of justifying her avoidance.

Sympathy from me - DH behaviour and comments were sh1tty. However …. you are denying yourself lots of fun and depriving yourself of a bit of independence. You CAN drive, but there’s bits that give you the heebies. Solution - take a refresher course of lessons majoring on the bits where you need a confidence boost. Book say, 5 or 10 sessions - do it BEFORE you tell DH (reverse sh1ttiness) as you’ve taken his comments to heart. (huh) If the driving instructor happens to be FIT …. so much the better. Do it! Driving is fun. And next time the family car comes up for replacement - insist on an automatic- even easier to drive, park etc. You might even want a little car of your own …. 🚖 Go girl !

It staggers me that in this day and age a grown woman chooses to cite anxiety as a reason to opt out of doing a normal everyday activity. The issue is driving a car not performing neurosurgery, blind folded whilst up a mountain.

Your husband has to drive everywhere, the supermarket, social events, taking and collecting children from sports/hobbies and the airport for holidays presumably.

On a long journey you don’t share the driving but he just has to put up with it, how very selfish. I would be very resentful if that was my partner.

You are an adult and sometimes we have to do things we would prefer not to, what happens if your husband were to die how would life work out then how would you get to where you needed to go. Why put yourself in a position whereby you are totally reliant upon another person.

Time to address this issue and get behind the wheel.

This is really rude. Anxiety is actually quite easy to treat - we know why and how it happens. What makes the difference is not that it cant be treated - it is in the individuals willingness and ability to push through and tolerate discomfort.

Now there might be a lot of reasons why someone finds that hard. But if you come in really determined to manage your anxiety, you could do it.

Really? I suck at parallel parking so I just don't parallel park. Perfectly safe driver though, been driving 30 years and haven't had any accidents.

@JustineTim - just saw your post about your therapy and the links you made. That makes a lot of sense, and hopefully if you improve your confidence with your driving, it will also help bolster your sense of your space in the world in general - despite the early messages you were given, you have as much right to take up space as anyone else in the world, sometimes people will have to wait for or even be inconvenienced by you and that is ok, and even if they get angry or frustrated, it is not a catastrophe. Its just life. I wish you all the best with it - sounds like some more therapy to help with these ideas in the rest of your life could also help. Good luck with it.

Well I think this is one thing I won't have to worry about. I can't drive on mental health grounds (my provisional was revoked by DVLA) and partner has just been certified blind so I don't think he's going to be driving anytime soon

Did you mean to sound like you were saying if a person can't beat their anxiety it's their own fault for lacking willingness/determination? Because it sounds a bit like it, to me anyway.

Your husband is a bully OP, no way would I tolerate that behaviour. 🙄

I'm the one who does all the driving and I do think it does come with certain power, ie, if I really don't want to go on an optional outing and he does, well too bad, should have learned to drive. And I always pick the music! That said, aside from that I never complain or shame him, I just expect to be appreciated for it. Some people aren't meant to be drivers and that's ok. Your husband sounds quite mean and shaming you in front of your child is unacceptable imo. It sounds like he's the one not pulling his weight and yet he's trying to put you down.

I used to be like you OP, driving for years but was scared of driving anywhere apart from my small town.

It wasn't until I split up with dh and had to do fortnightly 3 hour rounds trips to drop off ds at the pickup point (Xh lived in different part of the country) that I had to force myself to learn.

I remember dreading it the first time but it really wasn’t too bad. It was my first time on a motorway! I then moved into a flat with on street parking and within a week perfected parallel parking. Now I’m a confident driver and can drive pretty much anywhere.

Could you try and go on solo car trips on an evening or when the roads aren’t busy. I found that helped me.

Your dh was rude belittling you but I was since in a relationship with someone who didn’t drive and I resented him for it. I felt like a personal taxi service.