Best Amazon Prime Day deals: Mumsnet favourites

Best Amazon Prime Day deals:
Mumsnet favourites

Shop now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

DH resents that I don't drive.

499 replies

JustineTim · 28/10/2025 19:56

I have my license but hardly drive. I hate it. I always have. I get soooo anxious and dread it I can't park for toffee which makes me more anxious as I worry about parking once I get somewhere. I just don't have the spatial awareness. I only drive when I have to eg school run which I don't even need to do anymore as kids catch a bus now. So now I hardly drive.

I was in the car with DH after picking up my little one from holiday club and he just sort of said out of the blue. I wish I was in the back and you were driving. I said okay but will you help me how to park. That's the worst part. He said, no, you've got a license, do it yourself. Then my little one joined in the conservation asking why I didn't drive. I agreed and said I know, mummy doesn't drive and then he piped up with "you proud of that are you?. I was hurt and told him to stop being mean. He then accused me of turning it on him like he was the one doing something wrong.

I left it at that but feel quite hurt by it really. I personally don't ask for lifts from him as I generally don't need to. Everything is quite accessible. Maybe he has a point, maybe I should drive and do all the driving. But I think it hurt more as I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too. Things are so much easier now that they are older. It's like he just sees this one thing I don't do but doesn't see all the other ways I contribute.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 29/10/2025 11:58

Aluna · 29/10/2025 11:44

It is also clear it is a significant cause of fatalities.

1600 fatalities in the U.K. in 2024 = 0.00267% of the population.

48,000 people die from sepsis annually in the U.K.

So 30 times more likely to die from sepsis as a car accident.

Well I think there is a push to reduce sepsis too.

I think those of us who know people killed in road accidents are not going to respond well to the idea that 1600 people a year is insignificant.

Kattley · 29/10/2025 12:03

Calliopespa · 29/10/2025 11:52

Yours is an "outlying" situation though - excuse the pun.

I think one thing to look at would be more links between rural villages, and more decentralised facilities.

I mean we are miles off: we have spent centuries moving away from that kind of society, but my point was more that perhaps we need to think more broadly than just shaming people into a driving seat.

It is not an outlying situation. This is the norm for the vast majority of the UK outside of cities and as more services, such as banks and medical care and police become more centralised to larger towns and cities the rest of us have to get around somehow. It’s literally essential.

NeedMoreTinfoil · 29/10/2025 12:05

I passed my test at 17, was a pretty confident driver until my mid 20s then didn't drive as much. Eventually I only drove a few times a year and had very little confidence.

It was the catalyst of my dad being diagnosed with incurable cancer at the end of 2017 that made me get back on the road in my 50s. Living in a rural area with virtually no bus service it is essential to drive really, and relying on my other half to ferry me or my parents isn't always possible. I bought a small basic car that felt good to drive and my parents bought me a satnav for my birthday. I started with small trips to familiar places and within 6 weeks drove a 500 mile round trip to visit a friend.

Since I now drive a lot more for work and need space to carry stock I have upgraded to a newer, larger car with inbuilt satnav, front and rear sensors and a reversing camera. I LOVE that camera, it really helps me.

I am still anxious about parking or getting lost on routes I don't know. I never try to parallel park. I google the hell out of new routes and use streetview to scope out junctions and parking possibilities. I will go a longer way round to avoid tricky routes e.g. I went a longer way home after an event rather than try to turn right onto the A1 (horrible dangerous road that I try to avoid if possible, I'm fine with motorways and other dual carriages).

I put my destination in the satnav always, even if I know where I am going. This is a new rule I imposed recently following an unexpected road closure when I was taking my mum for a hospital appointment. I knew other routes were also closed so was in a bit of a quandary. We got there in the end, but were 10 mins late owing to entering the town on an unfamiliar road which satnav would have taken care of. Similarly I add alternative car parks into the satnav before I leave in case the nearest is full. I also tell people I'm anxious. I have had lovely people guide me in and out of tight spots at busy work events. More people than you realise are nervous about driving but don't like admitting it, you will get more sympathy and help than you think.

I refuse to drive cars I am not comfortable in. I need a high seat position, big windows and a short bonnet.

So, my advice is get a car you feel comfortable in and start slow, building up your confidence gradually. The once a week trip to work sounds like a great start. Try not to worry about holding people up. There will always be dickheads in a hurry who get in a strop, whether with you or someone else. It's a them problem, not a you problem. Just stay calm and be safe.

I am probably going to check out those videos too, I can still use help improving my confidence.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Yeswoman · 29/10/2025 12:14

JustineTim · 29/10/2025 00:38

Thank you to everyone who has commented with your views. I have taken it on board. Yes, my DH was being horrible about it but does have a point. My marriage issues are for another time and thread.

I just want to make it clear that I do want to be able to drive. It's the confidence issue. I am a person who lacks confidence. I am messed up from childhood. I honestly wish I had the confidence. My anxiety about driving is a bit complicated.This might sound crazy but a few years ago, I went to therapy and I had just started to drive and do the school run and it came up in my therapy that I was finding driving panic inducing.

We talked through my thought processes and basically, my therapist linked my abusive childhood to my anxiety to driving. What I hate about driving is being on the road with other drivers, parking and not knowing what there will be on a journey, the unexpected.

I'm too scared to practice driving / parking, but what I'm actually anxious about is annoying people, holding them up, getting angry at me, laughing at me doing it wrong. I was extremely anxious around any human as a child as the behaviour towards me was unpredictable, unprovoked and I didn't understand what would trigger it so my coping mechanism was to become invisible, not be seen, stop existing. I had selective mutism as a child and as an adult I have social anxiety.

Driving is very much me taking up space literally on the road, it involves me holding people up, annoying people who are rushed, a myriad of things. I don't know what thoughts are in other people's heads who hate driving.

I'm so glad I started this thread as it's given me the encouragement to get back in the car. I want to do this for me and my kids. I think I need to start working on myself too, maybe try therapy.

Thank you so much to whoever suggested the Conquer Driving YouTube channel! I've spent my evening watching loads of videos! They are fab..I work across 2 offices which are both walking distance. But I'm going to take the car in once a week and just pay for parking! Also, my youngest goes to breakfast club so Im going to drive her there. These are only very short journeys but it will get me using the car most days.

Bless you. There's so many idiots on the roads and I promise you, you're not one of them! Like others have said, driving is hard to begin with but once you've mastered it I think you'll find your confidence improves all round. You'll be more independent and relying on your husband less might just give you the confidence to tell him where to go!
good luck

saraclara · 29/10/2025 12:16

Calliopespa · 29/10/2025 11:52

Yours is an "outlying" situation though - excuse the pun.

I think one thing to look at would be more links between rural villages, and more decentralised facilities.

I mean we are miles off: we have spent centuries moving away from that kind of society, but my point was more that perhaps we need to think more broadly than just shaming people into a driving seat.

It really isn't an outlying situation. Three buses an hour would be fantastic where I live! I don't live rurally, I'm in a small town of 15,000 people. But bus services operate six times A DAY. And only to one town. The town that most people want to get to has one bus service a day.

Want to visit friends not on that bus route? Have a job not in that town, or do shift work? Nope

Again, this is not just a rural thing. It's a 'just not a city or very large town' thing.

Lurker85 · 29/10/2025 12:18

If you’re not asking for lifts then it’s just about driving the kids to places which makes it another family task/chore to be split like other chores. Tell him if he wants you to split the driving, he can split the cooking and housework with you. Do you just get on with the cooking and housework or do you make horrible digs to him about how he doesn’t bother doing it like he does to you? Poor man with a whole chore to do all by himself. Must be hard for the poor lamb 🙄 if you don’t want to drive, don’t drive. Don’t be pressured into it.

Calliopespa · 29/10/2025 12:19

saraclara · 29/10/2025 12:16

It really isn't an outlying situation. Three buses an hour would be fantastic where I live! I don't live rurally, I'm in a small town of 15,000 people. But bus services operate six times A DAY. And only to one town. The town that most people want to get to has one bus service a day.

Want to visit friends not on that bus route? Have a job not in that town, or do shift work? Nope

Again, this is not just a rural thing. It's a 'just not a city or very large town' thing.

As I said, I obviously don't know exactly what the answer is, but I think we need to be thinking outside the box a bit more.

Calliopespa · 29/10/2025 12:19

Lurker85 · 29/10/2025 12:18

If you’re not asking for lifts then it’s just about driving the kids to places which makes it another family task/chore to be split like other chores. Tell him if he wants you to split the driving, he can split the cooking and housework with you. Do you just get on with the cooking and housework or do you make horrible digs to him about how he doesn’t bother doing it like he does to you? Poor man with a whole chore to do all by himself. Must be hard for the poor lamb 🙄 if you don’t want to drive, don’t drive. Don’t be pressured into it.

Edited

Poor man with a whole chore to do all by himself. 😂

MO0N · 29/10/2025 12:22

This man just wants the op to defer to him, to service and obey him, subordinate herself so that he can feel as if he is the boss.

Lurker85 · 29/10/2025 12:25

Calliopespa · 29/10/2025 12:19

Poor man with a whole chore to do all by himself. 😂

🎻

mathanxiety · 29/10/2025 12:58

Write a list of everything you do around the house and with the DCs, including any planning, researching utility deals, insurance, bill paying, etc.and time spent on each task.

Ask him to write a list of everything he does around the house and the time spent on each task.

The unfair burden on you adds to your anxiety and ability to contemplate extra challenges.

Once the work of managing a home and parenting is distributed more evenly, tackle your issues with driving.

mathanxiety · 29/10/2025 13:01

Yeswoman · 29/10/2025 12:14

Bless you. There's so many idiots on the roads and I promise you, you're not one of them! Like others have said, driving is hard to begin with but once you've mastered it I think you'll find your confidence improves all round. You'll be more independent and relying on your husband less might just give you the confidence to tell him where to go!
good luck

Yes to this.

You're feeling on the back foot right now.

Some rearrangement of your lives would benefit everyone.

TheDenimPoet · 29/10/2025 13:07

PeonyPatch · 28/10/2025 20:07

I am gonna go against the grain here, but I do feel sorry for people in couples who do all the driving. I can see his point. I think it ought to be a little bit more of an equal responsibility. My thoughts.

Yeah, me too.

I'm a bit like you OP in that I'm crap at parking. I can deal with normal car parks, but anything involving tight parallel parking and I can't do it. BUT, I will drive for the journey, and then if my parking needs fixing at the destination, DP will sort it in seconds. He just has this amazing spatial awareness that I lack, and that's fine, it works for us.

I think it would really benefit you to have some driving refresher lessons, in your own car. There are ways that can make parking easier, reference points on your vehicle that you can look at so you don't actually need to be spatially aware. If you learn those, you'll be fine in almost all situations.

Do it for yourself, it will be so freeing when you can drive without feeling anxious.

PeonyPatch · 29/10/2025 13:10

TheDenimPoet · 29/10/2025 13:07

Yeah, me too.

I'm a bit like you OP in that I'm crap at parking. I can deal with normal car parks, but anything involving tight parallel parking and I can't do it. BUT, I will drive for the journey, and then if my parking needs fixing at the destination, DP will sort it in seconds. He just has this amazing spatial awareness that I lack, and that's fine, it works for us.

I think it would really benefit you to have some driving refresher lessons, in your own car. There are ways that can make parking easier, reference points on your vehicle that you can look at so you don't actually need to be spatially aware. If you learn those, you'll be fine in almost all situations.

Do it for yourself, it will be so freeing when you can drive without feeling anxious.

I had parking sensors on my last car and it was a godsend… however practice does help not avoiding completely!

Mydadsbirthday · 29/10/2025 17:57

Not read whole thread but I think as a fully formed grown up with a license, you should be doing some driving. You say it’s got easier as DC get the bus but you still have a nursery age child who will need driving around for years to come.
I don’t think there’s much excuse really, driving opens so many doors and is key to independence for anyone but especially women. Do you work, would driving give you better opportunities? I’d hate not to be able to drive and I don’t have a single friend or relative in my generation who doesn’t drive apart from one person who has epilepsy.

the only two people i know who don’t drive are two elderly aunts whose husbands drive them everywhere.

botheredandbewilderedagain · 29/10/2025 18:03

You don't need spatial awareness to park if your car has mirrors, reversing camera and proximity sensors. I would book a parking lesson OP, but there are lots of how to park videos on YouTube, then practise, practise, practise. Being able to drive confidently will give you independence.

tommyhoundmum · 29/10/2025 18:12

Join the IAM and very soon you will be a much better driver than he is. I promise you.

ZanyOP · 29/10/2025 18:12

I’m the only driver in our family despite my partner having a licence. Just to give the other perspective, whilst acknowledging his reaction probably wasn’t the best, I assume this is years of built up resentment. As the only driver in our family I am constantly driving the entire family back and forth between things. In the early baby years, I was driving my partner and toddler to swimming lessons and sitting in the car with my baby who needed to nap/breastfeed. Whilst I enjoy driving and don’t mind the long journeys we make to travel, I find the day to day drudgery of driving a real weight on my shoulders and not something I feel I signed up to. It means that everything from parties, to swimming, to play date, to tip runs, charity shop drop offs…literally everything falls on me. All of these things are small and insignificant in isolation, I sometimes feel resentful that the person who chooses not to drive, doesn’t recognise the commitment they are asking from their partner.

MMAS · 29/10/2025 18:17

Book yourself more lessons - find an instructor (according to Google) that offers post test parking lessons. Also, have you considered buying an automatic with sensors for parking. Manual cars also have these sensors. Even if your car is old and doesn't have them, a garage can tell you if they can be fitted. Loved mine when I had a car.

DetectiveDouche · 29/10/2025 18:20

DetectiveDouche · 28/10/2025 23:14

I do think it's a breeding ground for resentment. And I say that as someone with poor social awareness who doesn't enjoy driving. But I've done it almost everyday since I passed my test at 24. I've needed to.. and it's not fair to leave it all to one partner. I don't do motorways.. that's my condition.

My thoughts are.... what is needed to increase your confidence enough to share out the driving a bit more.. and share out the housework and kid responsibilities too.

Spacial! My poor awareness is of the spacial variety, not social 😆

CoastalCalm · 29/10/2025 18:21

Book yourself a couple of lessons with an instructor and focus on the things that make you nervous ?

Pepperedpickles · 29/10/2025 18:26

ZanyOP · 29/10/2025 18:12

I’m the only driver in our family despite my partner having a licence. Just to give the other perspective, whilst acknowledging his reaction probably wasn’t the best, I assume this is years of built up resentment. As the only driver in our family I am constantly driving the entire family back and forth between things. In the early baby years, I was driving my partner and toddler to swimming lessons and sitting in the car with my baby who needed to nap/breastfeed. Whilst I enjoy driving and don’t mind the long journeys we make to travel, I find the day to day drudgery of driving a real weight on my shoulders and not something I feel I signed up to. It means that everything from parties, to swimming, to play date, to tip runs, charity shop drop offs…literally everything falls on me. All of these things are small and insignificant in isolation, I sometimes feel resentful that the person who chooses not to drive, doesn’t recognise the commitment they are asking from their partner.

I could have posted this. Exact same situation and I feel exactly the same.

Gettingbysomehow · 29/10/2025 18:26

I think people who won't drive are incredibly annoying. My ex husband didn't have a driving license at 40 and it was bloody annoying always being the driver especially on holiday. Driving from the SW to Scotland on my own with one stop while he snored in the passenger seat was exhausting. In the end I made him get his license and said I wasnt driving Miss Daisy any more.
You need to practice as much as possible until you are proficient. It's a very bad idea to rely on a man for everything.

Amauve · 29/10/2025 18:27

PeonyPatch · 28/10/2025 20:07

I am gonna go against the grain here, but I do feel sorry for people in couples who do all the driving. I can see his point. I think it ought to be a little bit more of an equal responsibility. My thoughts.

But if you really suck at it, you shouldn't be doing it. It's about other people's safety not just equal division of labour in one couple's marriage.

MikeRafone · 29/10/2025 18:27

I would love to be good and confident at driving

Then book yourself some driving lessons, just because you have passed your test and got your licence doesn't mean you can't get lessons to park and have more confidence

Ask your dh if he'd like to get himself a cooking lesson so he can cook for the family instead of leaving all the cooking to you...

Swipe left for the next trending thread