DH resents that I don't drive.

[JustineTim]

I have my license but hardly drive. I hate it. I always have. I get soooo anxious and dread it I can't park for toffee which makes me more anxious as I worry about parking once I get somewhere. I just don't have the spatial awareness. I only drive when I have to eg school run which I don't even need to do anymore as kids catch a bus now. So now I hardly drive.

I was in the car with DH after picking up my little one from holiday club and he just sort of said out of the blue. I wish I was in the back and you were driving. I said okay but will you help me how to park. That's the worst part. He said, no, you've got a license, do it yourself. Then my little one joined in the conservation asking why I didn't drive. I agreed and said I know, mummy doesn't drive and then he piped up with "you proud of that are you?. I was hurt and told him to stop being mean. He then accused me of turning it on him like he was the one doing something wrong.

I left it at that but feel quite hurt by it really. I personally don't ask for lifts from him as I generally don't need to. Everything is quite accessible. Maybe he has a point, maybe I should drive and do all the driving. But I think it hurt more as I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too. Things are so much easier now that they are older. It's like he just sees this one thing I don't do but doesn't see all the other ways I contribute.

I agree
I would not be in a relationship with someone who didn’t drive .
I have three dcs . When they were young dh and I spent an inordinate amount of time ferrying them everywhere . I would have been extremely frustrated if I was the one doing all the driving , unless there was a medical reason for dh being unable to drive
I don’t love driving tbh and there have been times where I have not wanted to drive , but that would be unfair of me to leave all the driving to dh
Both my dds started lessons when they were 17 ( they are now in their early twenties) and they have actually said that they wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a non driver

Both of you are unreasonable.

He is BU to be mean and snippy in front of your child about it rather than have a sensible adult conversation about it.

YABU to avoid driving altogether because avoidance makes anxiety worse and the less you practice, the more deskilled you will be and feel.

My spatial awareness is poor (dyspraxia). DH seems to think it's a badge of honour to reverse park in the smallest street parking space he can get the car in. I absolutely won't do that. I leave myself more time to find parking I can manage, I don't try and squeeze into small spaces, and have a car with front and rear sensors. Not driving isn't an option for us though, we live in the sticks. I've had to adapt around my limitations as a driver. No issues with other aspects of it, it's literally just parking. If my family want lifts, they have to put up with leaving earlier than DH would, and if they aren't going to provide useful input and are only going to criticise my parking, they have two options - wheesht or get out of my car!

I understand that OP doesn’t like to drive but what if her husband decided that he doesn’t want to drive anymore either?
I don’t think just opting out of the things you don’t like is really an option

I’ma driving instructor and am working with a CBT therapist to get people confident on the road. Maybe try something like that?

There’s often a reason why people are unconfident. That can always be fixed. I suggest you investigate something with a 1-1 element too so any ungrounded fears can be demystified and worked on.

You’ve worked very hard and spent lots of money to pass your test, which isn’t easy, for your own independence I’d be looking to resolve it.

Maybe your husband can do a cooking course too?!

How much do you both work… full time, part time, unemployed? Its unfair to bring housework etc into it with no mention of who works what for comparison

In her first post she says "I do literally everything in the house and work ft and do all the kids stuff too"

It’s been hours since I read the first post so admittedly I forgot about that part

I find it incredible that people can’t fathom that not driving is just about opting out of something you don’t like. For me (and appreciate it isn’t the same for all) my nervous system literally goes into a complete and utter panic state to the extent that I can’t read the road, I can’t fathom what I’m seeing in mirrors relative to the actual cars on the road, I can’t remember my left from right, I panic that that I am on the wrong side of the road. I envisage death and crashing intrusively the whole time.

@Howdiditgetsobad but then, I presume, you say thank you to someone who does drive you and acknowledge the burden it places on them?

If both the OP and her husband thanked each other for their respective contributions, acknowledged the burden that they each took on and were obviously grateful for that she wouldn't be so upset at him with the housework and cooking and he wouldn't be so resentful about the driving, perhaps?

OP, well done. I think you're doing the right thing. Keep watching those videos (I do that with videos for my moped and my T2 camper - and it has helped me). I think also another thing to look at - re: driving (and keeping it separate from the very valid reason why you have this anxiety) - is this:

You worked hard and did your lessons/theory/practical test, and passed them all. You have a car which is has MOT/tax/insurance. You know how to drive safely. You have just as much right to be on the road as any other legal driver on the road. You deserve to be on the road, as much as other legal road users! Gain that experience and confidence by starting small and doing small but familiar journeys (even a drive around the block first). Sit in the car first and really familiarise yourself with the controls. Do a quick route plan, and then do a plan B. Allow yourself extra time for the journeys. Figure out the different car parks on your route/at your destination and have things like a satnav or a parking app to hand. For me, it was those little things that have made a huge difference. Take your time with the steps. Before you know it, you'll be back on track.

Menopause-induced anxiety did a real number on me, but I've got the damned right to be on the roads too....whether that is in my posh work EV...or whether it's on my 50cc moped that doesn't go over 30mph (and less when going uphill!)...or whether it's in my very ancient/slow campervan (that has no power steering or mod cons and a max speed of 60 when going downhill)...or even on my ebike (legal, insured, has lights etc). We both passed our tests, we both have our licenses. Our vehicles are road legal. Why shouldn't you/me be on the road?! If we are a little bit slower at times, when parking or whatever, then people simply have to wait a little (I do pull over every so often, when safe, to allow others to pass). I can tell you that most drivers are decent enough and will give time/space. You do get some idiots, but don't let that put you off.

Me too.

Realistically do people think it would work if every single person 17-80 drove and had a car, regardless of ability? How many parking spaces per household, how much road to accommodate all these cars. Let’s go the American way and build entire communities without pavements or public transport. Let’s get all kids from the age of 17 on the road (because apparently even young drivers won’t date non-drivers). Let’s be a car centric country just like America because that’s really working for them. Let’s make all non-drivers only date non-drivers because they are not good enough to date (or god forbid marry) drivers (who of course are the elite of humanity). Know your place!

I used to drive, I haven’t for years. Bite me.

I find it incredible that people can’t fathom that not driving is just about opting out of something you don’t like. For me (and appreciate it isn’t the same for all) my nervous system literally goes into a complete and utter panic state to the extent that I can’t read the road, I can’t fathom what I’m seeing in mirrors relative to the actual cars on the road, I can’t remember my left from right, I panic that that I am on the wrong side of the road. I envisage death and crashing intrusively the whole time

Have you passed your test and got a licence? If so how did you get through lessons and test? ( Honestly, genuinely curious because if you are that bad I wouldn't want to be in a car with you)

The op has passed so she obviously is good enough to drive,it sounds like she has a massive lack of confidence but lots of practice in quite places and then working up to busier traffic is needed.
She would have had spacial awareness to get throgh driving lessons and a test.

I was exactly the same as you OP so I know how you feel, I had to start driving more when I moved abroad as I would have been isolated. After 30 years though I still never attempt to reverse into a space, parallel park or go on motorways. It just causes me anxiety, however I do all the shopping, dropping kids off etc and DH does the long distance driving which he likes. When I’m parking I just drive around until I find a place that I can park in. This has worked for me all these years. Driving is not the same as doing your share of washing or cooking so do what is comfortable for you.

It's useful to be able to drive and have the means to do so. That doesn't mean every person has to drive every journey and have their own car.

In the past week I've walked, cycled, bussed and driven for functional transport. Being able and willing to drive doesn't rule out using other methods of transport. Where you live and who needs transporting is a big factor in what options are practical. Now my DCs make their own way to school, that eases pressure on my morning commute compared to the days of nursery drop-off on a tight timescale and opens up active travel options.

Even just being able to swap/ share a journey is useful. When DH fainted at the gym, it was useful that I could drive him home (and there were few other practical options on a Sunday night, and those would have lead to additional journeys to collect his car)

I hated driving, particularly with a adult passenger, felt judged. Also not great a parking!
What help me was getting a small automatic car and just practicing going out on small journeys every day and gradually building up. Now drive a bigger car and a lot more confident. Still don't really like giving people lifts thou or parking!
There was no magic bullet, just practice.
But I think you will probably feel on edge with DH in the car and the way he uses it to demean you was horrible and frankly unforgivable. Particularly in undermining you in front of DC.
It sounds like you do a lot more than him for the joint household/family and the one single task he does do he is also trying to offload onto you!
So perhaps have a few driving lessons, get a car for you, if practiable and go out and practice by yourself and leave him with DC and housework.
I think you also need to talk to him about childcare and household tasks when you are both working full time they should be split 50/50.

That's great you're going to push yourself to drive more, it's honestly the only way to improve and gain confidence. I resonate with the anxiety you have from when I first passed my test, at that time I was very anxious driving new places/the thought of being the annoying person on the road that people judge. Easier said than done, but you have to put that to the back of your mind. As long as you are driving safely who cares if you are annoying the person behind you who wants to speed off somewhere or thinks you're taking too long to park - if they need to be somewhere then they should have left earlier. There's room on the road for everyone (as long as you're following the rules of the road etc). Cyclists don't feel bad for holding up rows of traffic so you shouldn't feel bad taking time to park. In time it becomes easier anyway.

Yes it’s useful but MN is famous for looking down on those who don’t. I do find it unrealistic and unreasonable for someone living out in the sticks to not drive and rely on others, but it’s the general sneering and looking down your (one’s) nose that I don’t like. I was brought up in a city and have always lived a short walk from a train station, so although I have a licence and have driven I choose not to, I’m simply not cut out for it.

Surely you have to have a certain amount of ability to pass a driving test? They say you don’t truly learn to drive until after you pass your test and I believe that’s true. OP isn’t going to wake up with the sudden ability to park unless she practices but she must have an idea of how to do it otherwise she wouldn’t have a driving licence.

Well I guess that must mean all the people legally on the roads are good drivers?

Yes it is interesting, and these threads always make me think about it.

It is clear loads of people hate driving - even those who are out there daily.

It is also clear it is a significant cause of fatalities. Think of the old reassurances trotted out to nervous flyers: "You are more likely to die on the road than hundreds of feet up in the air."

Perhaps instead of gearing society towards cars so much (including the push toward electric) we should be rethinking transport more broadly. I don't have the answers, but it is an interesting line of thought to explore.

If something isn't really working for a society, it's time to explore alternatives.

I remember years ago someone saying to me robot cars were the way of the future. Back then I thought they were a bit loopy, but now I am not as dismissive.

At a very basic level, perhaps we need to return to living patterns where people have more close to hand and can walk. Business parks and malls have eroded local business. Or do we need monorail type access to them? (Monorails were seen as a huge hope for the future but failed for some reason).

Certainly we need better ambulance services as a priority. Cars are polluting, cars are killing, plenty of people are plainly uptight and scared about driving them, yet, as evidenced on this thread, many people take on the insurance, the licence etc because they fear not getting to a hospital in time.

I'm not pretending I have the answers, but if so many people hate driving as are saying so on here, feel privately incompetent yet push and discipline themselves into doing it, have a lack of spatial awareness they are well aware of yet persist, then haranguing people into cars as a "necessary skill" is society banging its head against the wall.

It ISN'T essential. Plenty of societies have existed without cars. They are contributing to destroying our environment and are killing people. I just think we are being very blinkered and small scale in our thinking when pressing reluctant drivers behind a wheel in a continuation of something that clearly isn't a great solution.

The reality is that you only have yourself to blame, you have a licence so take yourself out and practice parking, it’s not some mysterious trick he needs to show you, it’s practice pure and simple (if you need a refresher on the theory of when to turn see YouTube). If you still are struggling take a refresher lesson with a qualified instructor. Expecting him to drive when you have a licence isn’t fair, he make of expressed it badly but he is obviously frustrated and has been for years

It is also clear it is a significant cause of fatalities.

1600 fatalities in the U.K. in 2024 = 0.00267% of the population.

48,000 people die from sepsis annually in the U.K.

So 30 times more likely to die from sepsis as a car accident.

@Calliopespa

but it is a necessary skill to be independent if you don’t live in a city centre! It would take me 1 hour 45 minutes each way to get to work if I didn’t drive, takes me 15 minutes in the car. There’s people in my town scrounging lifts, campaigning for loss making bus services etc because they do not drive but want to go to places where there’s no buses (most places, we have 3 buses an hour into the city, no others). I know people at work without cars and they are basically stuck in this small town or can go to the city which takes an hour, forget hospital appointments before 10am because you can’t get there cue more lift begging. Cars are essential here

Yours is an "outlying" situation though - excuse the pun.

I think one thing to look at would be more links between rural villages, and more decentralised facilities.

I mean we are miles off: we have spent centuries moving away from that kind of society, but my point was more that perhaps we need to think more broadly than just shaming people into a driving seat.

You have done nothing wrong OP. I got my license 22 yrs ago and have driven only for the 1st month and never since. I was terrified on the roads and never really felt needed a car in London. I would have liked to be able to drive but it is what it is