Horrible text from ex

[Calendulaaria]

Today I wrote a quick text to my ex-husband (we have two children) just saying "Hey, what date will be you putting through the cs this month?" cs meaning child support.

I received this reply:

"The only reason you have this number is for emergencies for the kids. That's the only reason you can reach me right now. I'm not your friend. I'm not someone you can complain to. I'm a stranger. You don't know me and I don't want to know you.

If you have a problem you take it up with the appropriate place. the only reason I should have a message from you is if one of the kids is in hospital.

If I'm doing something you don't like go make a friend and talk to them about it."

Bit of background. I have not had any contact with him since September, when we were organising drop offs for the holidays. There's been no conflict. I have an active social life and don't understand the 'make a friend' part.

We have been divorced for many years. We broke up due to not being compatible. We argued a lot and he was 10 years younger than me and wanted different things in the end. When we broke up, he made life fairly difficult I guess, i.e. not having the kids, so I found it difficult to work full time, as he wouldn't help with care in the holidays etc. Say he would have them for the night work I found once a week, then back out that day, leaving me with no care. I have never had family to look after the kids, so it was just him and me. He was nasty in the early days, broke the front door in and called the small amount of child support he paid 'my wage he paid me to look after the children'. Because I have had the children for the past 11 years nearly full time, he has had time to build a successful career. I pay for (and always have) everything for the children, all clothes, school fees, out of school activities, musical instruments, daughter's first car and insurance etc etc.

The last 6-7 years there's been only contact about pick ups and drop offs. I've been friendly towards his new partner and always said hello and goodbye at drops offs.

Then I get this text today. It's so over the top. I'm feeling a bit alone and thought someone might relate or have a story to share.

Just to reiterate a previous poster. Child Maintenance does NOT stop at 18 if the young person is still in full time further education (A levels or Btec etc). This does not include university as that is higher education.

If you think he might try and stop paying at 18 then definitely go through the CMS.

Could you respond with,
Hey stranger, we are actually all one, sending you peace and love.
Can you send me the CMs money, you owe your kids?

Feeling my inner Buddhist today.
Sometimes I feel keeping your sense of humour helps.
LIke quite a few on here have said he's upset about something else, something is going wrong for him.Happy people don't behave like this.

It sounds like OP and her ex have to date opted for Direct Pay where they have to agree between themselves when and how the money is paid. In this case it’s not unreasonable for OP to be messaging the ex about it.

Provided the ex pays up on time, that’s a much better option for both of them than Collect and Pay because CMS deducts collection costs from the amount OP will receive, as well as charging the ex a surcharge.

How horrible for you OP.

No need to burn energy or emotions on this guy.

The CSA is there to avoid exactly this situation.

You need to distance yourself a little and play him at his own game. I recommend you speak to the CSA and let them know his payments are erratic and that you need them on a specific date without fail, consistently. They should be able to liaise with him and get him to set up a standing order or something. Maybe they can enforce it out of his salary due to erratic payments. Prepare a record of when his payments have been so you can demonstrate.

While you are at it, when was the last time the CSA reviewed his income? My experience of friends who have paid CS in the past is that as soon as they changed jobs, their ex's had the CSA doe a full review to see if the support can be increased. They seemed like they had a no mercy approach to me.

When he responds asking you to get the CSA off his back, you can quote his own words back to him in your reply...

Good luck OP!!!

I'd reply..so what date then

THIS!!! DO THIS OP (im meant to be replying on someone's comment but i cant see it now )🤦‍♀️ it was where someone suggested you serve revenge cold by never ever contacting him about anything to do with kids unless it's because they're in hospital.
And in the meantime arrange for it to be done where he has no control over payments use the late payment as a reason for needing a structured definitive date to be paid so your childrens affairs are not affected by late payments.

The cms can do collect and pay which will cost him more in the end, it will take minimal from your payment too but at least you'llget a contribution towards the kids. Silly selfish excuse of a man. My child's father list all contact with our child, he came storming violently through my house waving the cms letter at me and threatening... over £3 a week! His contact with our son wasn't even worth £3 a week to him! Absolutely disgraceful how they think these behaviours are acceptable!

Sounds like the girlfriend wrote it.

That's awful Gina, bet you're glad he's your ex.

So sorry you're going through this OP. Hopeful CMS will sort it, and you can serve revenge as a cold dish.
As the kids get older they will see what's true.

How horrible to receive a message like this.
I would reply and keep it simple. Explain you are simply asking for the details pertinent to a legal agreement.
Can your solicitor get an agreement in place where child support is paid on a set date? Then you never have to contact him again. Good luck.

Absolutely! Nearly 6 years now and I've never looked back!
Its no contact for us all now due to his volatile behaviour, I've never been happier and my son is so much more settled and content now too.
Not every father's presence is positive in a child's life, especially if he's a risk to the child

Absolutely! Nearly 6 years now and I've never looked back!
Its no contact for us all now due to his volatile behaviour, I've never been happier and my son is so much more settled and content now too.
Not every father's presence is positive in a child's life, especially if he's a risk to the child

I think it shows that he’s pretty miserable and unhappy with whatever his current setup is. Happy people just don’t write this type of shit.

Ignore , he is probably having a shit day , good 😊

When I read things like this I wish men not paying their way for the children they have produced were a criminal offence with threat of prison. I definitely think contributions should be docked from pay at source if men are on PAYE and assets seized if they are self-employed and faking their earnings.

Sadly it doesn't happen. I know someone who's on benefits so he won't pay his ex the child support. All he sees is 'she' gets the money, rather than what his kids need. She's not had any money in so long and yes she's a horrible person, but the children are doing without, it's awful.

Maybe he's having money problems but he should have just said sorry it's late had a few problems I'll pay .,...... But maybe if that's the case he thinks you'll say serves you right. BUT just be thankful he's your EX and someone else has to put up with him.

I agree it's unnecessarily horrible when it really didn't need to be and I can't help but wonder whether perhaps his new partner picked up his phone and typed out the response

Ermm children need to eat occasionally, so if the f@cker didn't pay his share yes it is an emergency. The OP should go to the child maintenance service, he won't speak to them that way

I would rely that as it usually comes earlier I was checking nothing was wrong. Clearly there is as you have lost your fucking mind.

Honestly OP, when someone is that unreasonable, your best bet is to completely ignore it. And if the CMS becomes a problem, go the official route. (After all, he did tell you to only contact him if the kids were in hospital!)

My ex-H had severe issues and would sometimes text me crap like this when I had been nice. It's NOT you, it's him. But it used to get me down and make me feel kind of...soul-sick, for want of a better term.

If I ignored him, sometimes I would get an apology.

There is nothing you can do, nothing you can say, to influence behaviour like this. Anything you say will make it worse. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

It feels horrible though. Indulge in whatever self-care makes you feel better. Hugs xxx

That's why I asked if the payment was late, if so perfectly reasonable to chase up.

Just go through cms, let them deal with it. However, if you want to reply to the message just write “noted”.

He is not in the right at all. Be mature, be an adult, you have fathered 2 children and at the VERY least have respect for the mother of your children and communicate maturely.

He is either a first class dick who’s having small man syndrome or he’s having someone in his ear talking this shit for him to repeat it.. or both.