Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

I would inform someone senior to you you know has a good relationship with the man, and block her number. They can inform him of her messaging, and him having contact from work about it may help things as you'd be unlikely to report it in to work if it was an affair.
I wouldn't do nothing personally as him being off work indicates its likely causing significant issues for him, and work need to be aware of the reason and able to support him too (providing you have an understanding workplace).

Never JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). All the non-defensive communication experts give this advice - because the minute you start thrashing around in denial, you're giving your accuser more leverage and ammunition. The content of her messages clearly tells you she's already made her mind up. Grey rock or ignore completely is the only way to deal with these types.

To elaborate: if I'm not into having affairs with male colleagues then the last thing I need to do is defend my perfectly innocent behaviour to their presumptuous, insecure partners. That's crossing the line.

You don't owe her, she's not entitled to any justification of your behaviour, and no one needs this unedifying shitshow just for going about their daily work. Where's her dignity, and who on earth does she think she is?

I bet something similar is happening here.

Anyway to add to the chorus - tell him, not HR, keep screenshots.

Completely agree.
OP owes this woman nothing.
Have some self respect and professionalism.
You were working for the company, on their clock and now you are being harrassed by your bosses wife.
I would take it very seriously and ask HR to formally intervene.
OP doesn't owe this woman anything.

She has every right to say I have showed my husband these inappropriate contacts and we are considering the police.

There must be a GDPR issue too, as she is using your information that her husband has, your number, via work, to contact you.

Completely unacceptable.

I can see other people have already asked but why haven’t you blocked her?

I would just answer her.

It's just XX. I'm a work colleague, happily married and in no way involved with your DH, my boss. We attended a work related event with hundreds of others.

Let boss know that you responded and that you will now block the number. Don't allow him to involve you any further.
If they continue to harrass you submit statement to HR for filing.

Time to block her, I think, OP.

This is crossing the line into harassment. You don't have to tolerate it.

Is his phone a work phone? This could be a potential breach of GDPR if you gave him your number for work purposes (which attending a corporate event would be).

Does his wife work at all? It sound like she does not know how things happen i the world of work. I work in a male dominated environment and have been on corporate event many times with male colleagues. There is no way a company would pay for separate taxis. Similarly my husband would think nothing of sharing a taxi with a colleague to attend an event. It does make me wonder though, whether he led her to beleive it was a male colleague he was going with. Perhaps he knows she is unreasonably jealous and would be likely to over-react?

Never JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). All the non-defensive communication experts give this advice - because the minute you start thrashing around in denial, you're giving your accuser more leverage and ammunition. The content of her messages clearly tells you she's already made her mind up. Grey rock or ignore completely is the only way to deal with these types.

This!

All the posts saying - tell her you're happily married etc are just silly. @PassUstheJaffaCakes needs to say nothing. It is none of her boss's wife's business. Her texting the OP is an invasion of privacy and she is not obliged to answer.

I hope you've blocked her number @PassUstheJaffaCakes

😱😬

Some similar happened to me.
new team on a team bonding day. Encouraged to exchanged numbers so we could help each other through training on the systems etc. same team but worked across different sites.

colleagues partner went through his phone, found a picture of us from this team bonding day we’d been on and she harassed me for over a week. Phone calls, messages found me on social media. Blocked her, blocked him and went to our senior management team and they advised to lodge a concern with HR!

felt sorry for the women obviously he was not trust worthy but that was not my problem! Protect yourself from any fall out by having official record. Especially as it was at work event you were together

Keep it strictly professional.

I don't think you should be having a word with him to 'keep it discreet'. That just makes it look even more suspicious.

Go to HR, say I have received these messages - show them the messages.

Leave it to them to have a discreet word with him.

Don't worry about pissing him off, worry about protecting your own professional integrity.

Sorry, I'm with those that say respond to the wife's enquiry giving the facts and reassurance she has nothing to fear from the OP. Then Block.

I can see the argument for copying him in but that then just makes it awkward between you so I perhaps wouldn't but it offers transparency.

She must be really concerned to have gone to these lengths so is not being rational and you don't know there history and shouldn't have to really.

Keep copies of everything and do not involve HR unless it escalates. If you ignore the message it will escalate, she will take your silence as an admission of guilt. Go to HR now and it gets legs on it and there will always be discomfort between you and the colleague.

She has asked a question, answer it as you have nothing to hide, its the only way to stop it escalating outside their marriage and then leave them to it. Don't make it harder on yourself than it needs to be.

Wow, right on sister!

Jeez, you know nothing about the woman, how do you know she's 'insecure', she may be secure in the knowledge her husband is having an affair but doesn't know who with. The woman has cathected her anger onto an innocent bystander - the OP but that's not exactly an unusual reaction in such circumstances.

Agreed. I got a taxi with a male colleague once. I ended up pregnant. Even though he’d been in the front. Taxis do weird intimate things

The Police? What do you think the Police will do?

There will always be discomfort?
The comfort or otherwise of the wife or the OP’s boss isn’t her problem or responsibility, quite frankly. If anything, this persons boss owes her a massive apology upon his return.
I would only be worried about my own situation and potential impact on progression, and that’s it.

I wish we had the laugh reaction!

@tamade is obviously reading too many bodice-ripper novels and is unfamiliar with the modern workplace, where women and men share taxis for work.

OTOH, when my mother was a deb waaaay back in the 50s, there used to be the code: NSIT (not safe in taxis).

I totally agree and that is why agree with those that says she should reply and then block to minimise discomfort at work, be it from a relationship with her colleague or progression, why take it there if it doesn't need to? She is clarifying the situation for the sake of her colleague and also to try and get the wife to accept there is no issue to be address, hence nipping it in the bud - why make it so complicated otherwise.

Its the wife that owes the apology to the OP, her husband will be mortified.

If things escalate, then report to HR.

Did OP say it was a work phone?

you’ve had repeated texts from someone claiming to be his wife, referring to work-based activity and information stored on work devices so a potential data breach

Informing him by work channels only about this incident seems sensible but I wouldn’t respond to the person who is texting you at all.

If you thought your DH was having an affair and you challenged the other woman would you immediately assume she was telling the truth if she denied it. She's not likely to just say oh yes we've been at it like rabbits is she.

Speculating about whether she's desperate or possessive is pointless. None of us including the OP know. Finding out more about her situation would be the definition of over-involvement from the OP, so ideally none of us will ever know. All we know is that the inappropriate behaviour in this situation has only come from the wife - and so it is wise not to engage or interact with her in any way.

Very true.

Yes he must be up to no good
The OP shouldn't have been in an intimate taxi with him
The OP should put the poor woman's mind at rest

And all the while the only one who is being inappropriate is the wife sending unpleasant messages to someone she doesn't know.