Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

I don't feel sorry for women like this; not remotely. They are either choosing to stay with men who cheat, or are so desperately inscure that they assume their partners will cheat anyway given the opportunity. But instead of addressing the issues in their own relationship or working on their own personal hang-ups, they instead choose to harangue other women with their jealousy and neurosis.

I find it pathetic. I'd be seriously disinclined to encourage these types by engaging with them on any pretext. She has no right to harangue OP and I think I agree with Tassie upthread: escalating this to HR (even if it's only putting this on record for future reference) may be a sensible act of self-preservation.

Companies can be fined huge amounts of money for breaching GPDR, and this woman has somehow got her hands on OP's personal information. That's not acceptable.

So? Not OP's problem.

All I know about the woman is that she's harassing someone and attempting to bring her into her marital issues. That's insecurity. She's also straying way outside of her lane here. There's no justification whatsoever for such behaviour.

No way would I respond to her.

I would act like it a scam.

Talk to him on Monday, ask him if it’s a scam, and tell him straight if you hear from her again that you are going to HR.

No way would I respond to her.

Well you clearly think differently to me and that's fine but it doesn't make you correct which is what I was outlining in my response you have quoted.

It's pretty clear it's not OP's problem but the rest of your character assassination is just made up, again, you don't know if she's insecure, you are reducing things to black and white. It is inappropriate, is it 'harassment' by what measure- a legal one?

Why I think sometimes it correct to say “Never JADE”

• It can invite debate: Justifying or explaining might make the person feel like you're trying to cover something up.
• It shifts power: Responding can make it seem like you're accountable to someone who isn't your boss or partner.
• It rarely satisfies: If someone is emotionally triggered, logic and facts may not calm them — they want validation or control.

But in this case I think ignoring it may escalate the situation because

• Silence can be interpreted as guilt: Especially if the person is already suspicious.
• It leaves a vacuum: Without a response, they may fill in the blanks with worst-case assumptions.
• It puts your colleague in a tougher spot: If you're silent, the pressure may shift entirely onto him and he may feel forced to ask you to clarify the situation to his wife or live a life without trust (and it already sounds like there are issues).

So lets try the middle ground Middle Ground: Calm, Boundaries Clarity
You don’t have to JADE in the traditional sense — but you can offer a brief, factual, and emotionally neutral response that sets boundaries and clarifies the situation. Something like:

“Hi [Name], I understand you have questions. This was a company-organized event, and [Colleague] and I attended in a professional capacity. We stayed in separate rooms and shared a taxi for convenience. I’d prefer not to get involved in personal matters, but I hope that helps clarify.”

This avoids over-explaining, keeps the tone respectful, and gently redirects the conversation away from personal territory. Keep copies in case it escalates which hopefully, after this response, it will not. I personally believe that if you do not respond it WILL escalate because this woman sounds desperate to have sent this message in the first place. You shouldn't have to do this, but I think this is the best way to try curtail this.

But it will be OP's problem if she doesn't nip it in the bud. Ignoring it will only lead to the wife adding 2 +2 and getting 5. It costs nothing to send a brief professional explanation for clarity and then walk away. This may prevent it from escalating.

Yes, I have changed my mind, I think this is a very good response.

🤣🤣🤣

Your plan sounds very sensible OP and the best plan of action in the circumstances

I would speak to your boss first, leave HR out of it for now. Nothing is going on and he would not appreciate it.

Sounds like the wife is the one with the problem and he needs to deal with it with her

do women secure in their relationships a) go through their partner's phone and b) contact some random woman from his work?

Of course she's insecure. That is not OPs problem.

Not replying is the best bet, he will be back at work in a week, and then OP can tell him that she is not amused and reiterate that if there is ANY sniff of it affecting her career, she will unleash hell.

It doesn'T matter if she tells HR or not. If that is the kind of culture her workplace has, then inform HR there may be a complaint at some time in the future. OP has all the time-stamped messages. She needs take no further action. Least of all contacting an insecure woman (i have some empathy: contacting the wife will only add fuel to the flames. No fuel, lower flames, and none coming directly at OP)

The burden of proof is on this woman's husband. The OP can curtail her access to her by blocking her.

Screenshot the messages and block her number. See what boss says on Teams when he's back at work, and be clear that if this continues you'll have to report to HR. Be prepared to follow through and involve HR if he cannot resolve it himself.

Insecure about her relationship - yes but insecure overall - we don't know that at all. All the derision of this woman that nobody knows appears unnecessary. Saying this women is this, that and the other is pure fiction, seemingly stated by posters for the sake of it.

You need to protect yourself and your employment. You have taken the compassionate route. Do not text him to his personal phone or work phone anything to do with this. Go through Hr who can support you and contact him to resolve it so you don’t have to. This is not a problem you need to solve alone and quite frankly it will become increasingly messy, albeit not your fault, if you try to get it resolved without support. This could go utterly tits up even though you haven’t done anything wrong.

i say this as an accredited workplace steward. So if your in a union I’d also go to them for advice.

blimey, stop over analysing @Goldenbear The woman is clearly insecure in her relationship and that is what we are all discussing, not if she is agonising over her hip to waist ratio.

Personally I would ignore and speak to boss personally when he is next in showing him one of the messages. Hopefully that would nip it in the bud and he can sort his own personal life out. If there is any escalation after that then involve HR

The woman obviously thinks you were there as his date. I don't see the harm in telling her you are a senior manager in the company and were there in a professional capacity as a representative.

Explaining you were in separare rooms, as suggested, would be absolutely nuts and completely unnecessary.

She's not random though is she, she is line managed by the woman's husband, went to a work event with her and has photos of them at said event. Of course, they are work photos for a professional event but the OP can hardly be described as "Random" in this context. That would be more like, if the wife rang up a woman she'd seen on the work website and literally had no clue of any connections to her husband..

If someone is harassing you, you give them nothing. Sometimes the police might recommend one message, akin to a cease and desist, outlining that the contact is unwelcome and requesting that it stops. The power differential is also an issue here given it happens to be OP's boss's wife who has taken it upon herself to harass her. That's doubly unwelcome.

Whatever the case, the OP has the right to hold her boundaries. She has not given her consent to this contact and neither has she divulged her personal contact number. That's intrusive in itself. Had she [wife] sent one message with a straightforward request, then stopped when she received no response, this would still have been an overstep. But the tone of these messages and the fact that they are escalating when no response was forthcoming are two clear reasons why engaging with this woman on any level would be a great mistake.

OP owes her nothing. It doesn't matter if the boss's wife adds 2 to 2 and comes up with 59. It's of no consequence what she thinks. But this is the reason why escalating this to HR is the appropriate way to go.

No one with any sense would involve themselves in other people's relationships that are nothing to do with them. The expectation that OP do so is a gross violation of boundaries. It should in no way be entertained. Conversely, entertaining it is one sure way of throwing petrol on a bonfire OP never started in the first place. As she correctly states upthread, not her circus, not her monkeys.

Don't text him. That is taking it off work platforms. Block her then she can't send a y more and wait for him to read the teams message

I would screen shot the messages and message him direct and ask him if this is a joke or some sort of scam. I wouldn't like to have to sit on this for a week. I also wouldn't want his wife possibly going out of her mind, he could have had an affair and they are trying to fix it, or he could be having an affair, or she could just have trust issue but you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and it seems like a strong reaction on her part - she could have a breakdown or something

Keep any copies of correspondence and mention it to HR in confidence just to be put on record in case the situation escalates

i sincerely hope i never have to work with your partner.

She's overstepped majorly, and OP is right to ignore her batshittery