Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

Yes, HR would be told about a data breach but the harassment, if it is perceived as such is not something that HR can deal with as she isn't an employee.

HR are bound by confidentiality laws, so if you were to approach them, you could also request them to do nothing at this stage. Make it clear that you would just appreciate a record kept. Keep all your communication with your boss on Teams/ work email, and if you need to resort to sending a text/ WhatsApp message on his personal number, keep it to a “apologies for disturbing your break, but please check my message on Teams”

Put the shoe on the other foot, accepting you do not know the marital relationship. If I found this message and chose to contact the potential "other woman" and she didn't reply, I'd ask myself why not and would build it up into something more than it is.

I would reply to the wife and I would tell her basically what you have said on this site about the event.

If you say nothing and leave him to explain, she will just take your silence as an admission of potential guilt and she isn't going to believe him as she obviously already has concerns about his honesty and there maybe a history you are not aware of.

Explain that prior to this event you and her husband never even had each others personal contact details, at they were only swopped at this stage due to practicalities. You were both at this event for business purposes and you shared a taxi simply because it was the sociable thing to do and also the company expense policy would not accept two separate taxis given the situation. You were representing the company and so you sat together at the event and that's how the photos were taken. The relationship is entirely platonic and business based and she has nothing to fear from you and also to add that you are very happily married and your husband was fully aware of the business trip and photos.

Tell her that this enquiry has put you in something of a difficult spot with her husband as your work colleague and you do not want there to be any misconceptions about the nature of the relationship. There are no further joint events in the pipeline at present but this may change in line with business requirements, this is not within your control but reiterate she has nothing to fear from you and you are answering her message as you feel you want to put her mind at rest but do not wish to get further involved with any marital issues.

I would keep copies of the exchange. I would not tell the work colleague about his wife's actions, it will lead to an uncomfortable experience at work and I certainly wouldn't tell HR at this moment in time. He may approach you, which is a different matter and only if things continue, would I involve HR otherwise this will become a very difficult matter for the couple to deal with - stay out of it.

If OP sent this message she would very much be involving herself in their marriage, which is wholly inappropriate professionally.

Married people need to learn to keep their shite within the confines of their marriage, and not spread it all over random passers-by.

My mum had this when she was younger that her boss' wife thought she was having an affair with her husband. Turned out it was someone else in the office. Let your boss know you received the messages.

Keep a diary, photos etc and block wife. Act as if nothing has happened and if you ignore you frame her more as a nut job than if you respond in any shape or form.

Do you not have a work email address for him that you can put your message and screenshots in?

I would say nothing to the wife, but I would certainly explain to my boss that I'd had some messages from her. She's essentially harassing you and I suspect this isn't the first time she's done something like this to a colleague/friend of her husband's when there's nothing going on.

This is why I get irritated when someone posts on Mumsnet "My DH went to a work event and now I've seen pictures of him with a female colleague on social media. He didn't tell me he was going with a woman and there's a lot of chat about sharing taxis, meeting at the hotel, drinking etc that doesn't sit right with me. AIBU to think there's something going on?" and a bunch of idiots immediately reply with 'Trust your gut OP xx' and 'It doesn't look good does it, I'm sorry' and 'if it was all innocent he'd have told you about her, can you go through his phone' etc.

What I know from the thread, is that she had no qualms about contacting a colleague, insinuating she's up to no good with her husband.

If he's cheated and she's stayed with him, it's up to them to manage their affairs without involving others.

If she's just paranoid, again, it's up to her to manage her paranoia without thrusting her issues upon persons outside her marriage.

How many people is she going to contact about his work events?

Suppose OP's husband was like her? She could be causing OP problems at work and home; all because her life is out of order.

This thread seems to be divided into people who know how to hold clear boundaries, and behave professionally in the workplace; and people who think their partner is their possession, and they are entitled to overstep any and all boundaries while policing their behaviour in the world.

I would joint message them jointly telling them in no uncertain terms that you do not wish to be involved in their relationship dramas. I would tell them that should there be any further allegations then in order to protect your personal and professional reputation you will contact HR.

Do not "have a quiet word" or message him separately. She will see it and it will be "evidence of you messaging him behind her back" and inflame the situation.

Communicate with them jointly as its a them issue that you have been dragged into, not a you and him issue. I would not be having you and him communications.

Yes I agree it should be kept within the marriage but it hasn't.

So what's the alternative, she clearly isn't going to believe her husband? Silence will be taken as an admission of guilt and a women scorned and all that. The OP has done nothing wrong, answer the message and walk away otherwise it gets very complicated.

People are only human though aren't they (except on Mumsnet). We are not robots, switching are emotions on and off.
I had a woman turn up at my house, incessantly banging on the door, ahe also upended the recycling bin, when I opened the door she was looking beyond me shouting, "Sam, Sam!" Looked at me demanding to see him. I was clueless and had my DC upstairs, I just replied with my husband's name. I then realised she was after my neighbour's 'friend' whilst listening to the argument I just felt sorry for her tbh.

Asking why you have a photo with her husband 🤯🤯🤯🤯?!!
Is her husband not allowed to have photos, never mind friends/colleagues with other people?!
I absolutely hate this sort of behaviour, it’s absolutely not ok on ANY level!

Multiple people have already answered this.
Block wife. Inform manager using work comms. Consult with HR.

She shouldn't have had her number in the first place. Her boss has breached the ops confidentiality. She should not respond to any demands from his wife. Who knows what she will do next if the op entertains her.

OP, I cannot stress this enough, you need to take print screens also of the message you’ve sent to your boss. I would seriously consider recording this with HR for your own protection.

And she asked for peoples opinion, I am a person and I gave my opinion as requested - I don't have to follow the crowd.

Whatever happens, I hope she works it out.

Not really, it's called 'shades of grey'. Whilst I can see the necessity to be professional, there is no such obligation on the wife as she is not an employee. She could be possessive but she could also be emotionally drained and this manifests as desperation. Who knows but yes, it is rubbish for the OP.

Do not engage. She has no right to contact you and if she has trust issues in her relationship then she should deal with them within that relationship rather than dragging in bystanders. It's unedifying and an outsize cheek.

You owe her no justification or explanation of your behaviour whatsoever.

To be clear, OP should go to HR for herself, to protect her job and her reputation. Not to bring the wife up on any harassment charges!

Three messages! The wife is well over-stepping. I’d be tempted to reply and say you were going to a Coldplay concert but I’m evil! I do think I’d reply and tell her it’s inappropriate to contact you and she needs to talk to her husband. But I guess that might make it worse.

I think you’ve done exactly the right thing, OP. You’ve given him a chance to straighten it out, and kept evidence.
However, that evidence won’t help if you are effectively ‘overlooked’ at work for promotion or opportunity and they can’t link it to his wife’s (unhinged) behaviour.
I would still take it to HR, and get it on the record. Your workplace sounds like you could be at risk of being passed over based on patterns of previous behaviour from other men in the organisation.

If I was him, I would be beyond livid with the wife!

If she’s checking his phone, great.

I’d message him something like;

Hi Xxxxx

I recieved the following message from your wife yesterday. I must say I’m rather surprised to receive this, and I’m also upset as this is not something I should have to deal with in my professional life. I’d appreciate it if you could make sure that I do not receive any other messages like this in the future.

Regards

Xxxx

Let her see it.

I'd respond saying: Your husband is my colleague and my boss. We attended a work function together in a professional capacity only. If you have any further questions or concerns you should address them to your husband, not me. Regards. Jaffacakes.