Active discussions

Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

798 replies

PassUstheJaffaCakes · 20/10/2025 23:42

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 21/10/2025 00:27

Just text him with a screenshot and say "Think your wife may have somehow got the wrong end of the stick? It obviously isn't appropriate for me to get involved in your personal matters but I'm alerting you to the messages so that you can clarify the situation for her. Thanks."

Mistressofnone · 21/10/2025 00:29

What a pickle she is getting herself in! Agree I wouldn’t respond to her. Could you email your boss about it? He may well read them while he is off.

I’d say sorry to email while he is on leave but you want to make him aware of these messages before it escalates, as she clearly has the wrong end of the stick. Wonder if the celebrity was accused too!

SprayWhiteDung · 21/10/2025 00:34

My guess is possibly he has either cheated in the past or at least sailed close to the wind.

He may well have done; or she might just be controlling and ultra jealous. I'm reminded again of the recent thread with the (now ex) partner who was utterly convinced that OP was going on a perfectly innocent holiday with female family members planning to find men to have sex with.

Either way, that's between him, his wife and any affair partner he may have/have had. It's certainly nothing to do with you - and for her to wade in with such an accusatory tone is very off. If she persisted, I'd be half-minded to tell her that I would be going to the police to report her for harassment if she doesn't desist right now. and then do so, if she doesn't stop.

Did he not mention to her that he had a works do that evening? If so, surely it's obvious that he would be there (and sitting) with colleagues - and then sharing taxis and taking ordinary posed photos standing together is completely par for the course. If he didn't tell her, why ever not? But again, that would be a question for him to answer; nothing to do with you.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
BerryTwister · 21/10/2025 00:37

I wouldn’t reply, and I certainly wouldn’t go to HR. That’ll turn it into a huge drama, and your boss won’t thank you for that.

I’d do nothing now, and wait for his return, then speak to him about it. If she messaged again in the meantime I’d probably block her number.

CharlieKirkRIP · 21/10/2025 00:39

You don’t know if he is a horrible cheat and could be building up to wanting to start something with you or he is a completely innocent man going about his business in a professional capacity which sometimes includes socialising with female members of staff and his wife is a controlling bully who could put the pressure on him to get rid of you.

Do not reply to her and block her number. Show him the messages and let him deal with her.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 21/10/2025 00:47

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 21/10/2025 00:27

Just text him with a screenshot and say "Think your wife may have somehow got the wrong end of the stick? It obviously isn't appropriate for me to get involved in your personal matters but I'm alerting you to the messages so that you can clarify the situation for her. Thanks."

Nice.

This is perfect, OP.

I'd give him one chance to deal with it before contacting HR.

SprayWhiteDung · 21/10/2025 00:53

You don’t know if he is a horrible cheat and could be building up to wanting to start something with you...

Even if he is, that's still a terrible slur against OP - suggesting that she is complicit in wanting to have an affair with a married man, when all she's done is go to a boringly mundane work-related meeting.

If he is/has been a lying, cheating turd, that's for him to answer and explain; not a random female colleague.

WeeGeeBored · 21/10/2025 01:20

EBearhug · 21/10/2025 00:13

If I were to respond, I'd say, "I am boss's colleague. We attended this function together for work, representing the company. He sent me the photos to share with the team." And no more than that. But as everyone says, best not to respond at all, and to talk to boss when he's back.

I'm guessing he's probably not having the most relaxing break...

Good email suggestion. I think I might also add that I will report any further emails from her as harrassment.

Chickensky · 21/10/2025 01:22

DurinsBane · 20/10/2025 23:46

I would tell your boss you got the messages, and he needs to deal with it. If it carries on, and he doesn’t/can’t sort it, maybe you need to go to HR in that case. You shouldn’t have to deal with a bosses/colleagues spouse accusing you of stuff in your professional life

For once on Mumsnet Second post nails it.

Do not respond. Keep a note and log. Let him know you were sent the messages.

If the messages continue then you will have to involve HR.

You need to keep the space between work and personal, it seems his wife is stepping into the personal for some reason, for which we do not know.

There is, in this instance, nothing to "find out" or explain, it is not on you to be involved in this conversation.

Keep all communication limited and logged through professional channels.

Falseknock · 21/10/2025 02:03

.

GiddyRobin · 21/10/2025 02:19

Absolutely do not reply to her, but don't discuss this face to face with your boss. Email him, keep a papertrail of the events should you need to prove anything in future if the wife causes trouble for you. Absolutely nothing that can be a, "he said/she said" debate.

99bottlesofkombucha · 21/10/2025 02:20

Would people really not reply? I would!
‘You have the wrong end of the stick here, I’m happily married and I think that’s the first time <boss name> has ever message me, to send those photos so I could share with the team. I’ve shown my husband now you’ve messaged and he is very unconcerned. Your husband and I have a professional relationship only, please don’t message me again regarding your marriage.’

then just mention to him when he’s back.

MolvolioPortesque · 21/10/2025 02:23

I was in your situation OP. Work colleague’s wife emailing me at work demanding to know details of my “affair with her husband” which she was utterly convinced had been going on for at least 3 years. I had a couple of days off and when I came back there were about 10 emails daily, increasingly angry at my lack of reply and therefore it was “proof”.

There was no affair. We did sometimes go to conferences at the same time and stay in the same hotels. Like thousands of other professionals do without incident. Sometimes it would just be us, other times there would be other colleagues there. One time we met Bobby Davro as our minor celeb.

There had, we found out, been rumours in the workplace because we both looked like Tim and Dawn from The Office (if you squint) and people said that we were well suited for that reason. His wife has a reputation, unknown to me, of being controlling and unpleasant, and the shop floor thought it would do my colleague good to have someone nice instead.

I chose to not reply to her, and forwarded them to my work colleague asking that he dealt with it. He made it worse, because he denied having an affair, rightly, but she was utterly convinced and sent me messages via LinkedIn. I just blocked her on everything.

For every genuinely worried wife there might also be someone who is seriously a concern, and you just don’t know what you’re going to get. I hope it resolves soon.

harveythehorse · 21/10/2025 02:35

Horrid situation for you, but if it were me I'd simply reply and say "Thanks for getting in touch - nice to meet you, I'm (insert name), I was at a work event with (inset name) at (insert venue) and we had a few photos taken because I'm the (insert role). Hope to meet you properly soon x"

Kill with kindness, always the best way. This is his wife, she's clearly anxious about you and you have nothing to hide so why not just put her mind at rest - I have a feeling it will probably make you sleep better as well.

Glitchymn1 · 21/10/2025 02:41

I actually would have responded with what you’ve posted here. I wouldn’t be creating drama by going to HR. It could’ve been ‘nipped in the bud’ far sooner, I wouldn’t have waited or posted on here!

Chickensky · 21/10/2025 02:58

But why should she have to literally explain her existence at a professional event because of unknown factors, of the wife overstepping and accusing her of nefarious actions?

She really doesn't and so should show him the messages and take it from there.

He either deals with it or he doesn't and then she can consider her HR route if needed.

harveythehorse · 21/10/2025 03:50

Chickensky · 21/10/2025 02:58

But why should she have to literally explain her existence at a professional event because of unknown factors, of the wife overstepping and accusing her of nefarious actions?

She really doesn't and so should show him the messages and take it from there.

He either deals with it or he doesn't and then she can consider her HR route if needed.

But why make life potentially more dramatic? Why can't we just be kind? This woman is clearly anxious - for whatever reason - why not put her mind at rest and nip things in the bud, rather than waiting for a man to do it??

spoonbillstretford · 21/10/2025 04:07

harveythehorse · 21/10/2025 03:50

But why make life potentially more dramatic? Why can't we just be kind? This woman is clearly anxious - for whatever reason - why not put her mind at rest and nip things in the bud, rather than waiting for a man to do it??

Show quote history

Because the OP needs to protect herself first from someone who could be completely unhinged for all she knows. Just because someone messages you, you don't owe them a reply or need to get involved in someone else's relationship drama. I'd take a screenshot of the message and then block her.

Clutchball · 21/10/2025 04:14

I would screenshot all of the messages from him and the ones from her too, just in case it comes back to bite you.

harveythehorse · 21/10/2025 04:26

spoonbillstretford · 21/10/2025 04:07

Because the OP needs to protect herself first from someone who could be completely unhinged for all she knows. Just because someone messages you, you don't owe them a reply or need to get involved in someone else's relationship drama. I'd take a screenshot of the message and then block her.

Show quote history

She doesn't owe anyone anything, but don't you think that blocking is a rather immature and dramatic response? Surely a measured response puts an end to this and also ensures that work life remains calm without having to bring HR into the situation.

It's extremely sad that the wife can't talk to her husband but why are people assuming she's unhinged? Can we not support other women in simply wanting to know the truth?

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 21/10/2025 04:29

Absolutely do not reply to either of them by text/WhatsAapp.
**
What she thinks about you is non of your business.

Do not give this any more of your energy

E-mail him the screenshot so that he is aware and you also have a professional trail, then leave it for him to sort.

spoonbillstretford · 21/10/2025 04:43

harveythehorse · 21/10/2025 04:26

She doesn't owe anyone anything, but don't you think that blocking is a rather immature and dramatic response? Surely a measured response puts an end to this and also ensures that work life remains calm without having to bring HR into the situation.

It's extremely sad that the wife can't talk to her husband but why are people assuming she's unhinged? Can we not support other women in simply wanting to know the truth?

Show quote history

The fact the wife sent a message in the circumstances outlined doesn't sit right to me. I'd not get remotely involved in their relationship psychodrama.

I wouldn't even email him the message, I wouldn't want any trail going anywhere other than the copy of the message on my phone. I'd tell him verbally when he returns.

harveythehorse · 21/10/2025 04:47

spoonbillstretford · 21/10/2025 04:43

The fact the wife sent a message in the circumstances outlined doesn't sit right to me. I'd not get remotely involved in their relationship psychodrama.

I wouldn't even email him the message, I wouldn't want any trail going anywhere other than the copy of the message on my phone. I'd tell him verbally when he returns.

Show quote history

I do admit that contacting your husband's colleague does sound like a drastic measure and I completely see why the OP is rattled. I just loathe the rhetoric of the 'batshit wife' causing drama.

If he is as creepy as he sounds, he's clearly going to deny everything and keep powering on. There's a reason his wife is so untrusting.

Whattodo1122 · 21/10/2025 04:55

I would discreetly flag to HR so all noted on records as this could have happened previously and will build a bigger picture.
I would check boss okay on his return and keep an eye out for signs of an unhealthy relationship going forward.
Wife going through phone and messaging work college must be absolutely humiliating for him, was his leave unexpected? Few flags here he might be in a controlling relationship.

WatchingTheDetective · 21/10/2025 05:00

Why on earth would you tell HR at this point? I've seen the woman and her situation and it's absolutely horrible. I would write back saying I was a colleague and everything was strictly professional and as I was happily married and didn't appreciate any implications like that.