Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

E will agree to differ. I manage about fifty people. If my employees wives started contacting either me or members of my team to check they weren’t having an affair, or accusing them of flirting to get ahead I would have to involve HR. It’s is completely in appropriate in the work place.

do you manage a team - of this happened how would you handle it?

I’d forgotten about this thread. Now I really want an update!

Because answering the questions is like feeding it. it just leads to more questions.

You have no business contacting any of your husbands work colleagues, looking for answers. Your marriage is your business.
Her responding to you would just be like pandering to someone with ocd, then it goes up a notch.

No, either you trust him or you don’t. You don’t involve anyone else. Make up your own mind and trust yourself.

A response is not necessarily feeding it. In fact I think no response may feed the suspicion and obsession in a worse way. You can answer in a short, unemotional, purely detached way and refuse to get drawn further into being interrogated. Complete silence may look like avoidance because of guilt and just cause the wife to ramp up the campaign of accusations.

As I said upthread, all it needs is a simple response along the lines of 'your husband and I both attended a work function in a professional capacity only. If you have anything further to ask, please ask him, not me, I am not obliged to explain myself to you.'

And then obviously refuse to engage at all beyond that and block her if necessary. Although at that point it would be worth escalating to HR.

Of course there will be no 'update'.

Whether the thread is genuine or otherwise, though, it's certainly been a fasincating insight into the level of social responsibility some people believe women carry for issues that have precisely nothing to do with them.

Illuminating indeed!

Because the OP has nothing to do with her boss's wife.

It's a little like trying to answer the question "When did you stop beating your wife?"

Whatever answer you give incriminates you.

And I tend to think most of the PPs on this thread questioning the OP are SAHMs or not working in professional jobs, as they seem to have no idea about ordinary professional work & conduct.

Yes it's certainly an eye opener but for me, more to the lengths people are prepared to go with their faux moralising!

As I said upthread, all it needs is a simple response along the lines of 'your husband and I both attended a work function in a professional capacity only. If you have anything further to ask, please ask him, not me, I am not obliged to explain myself to you.'

But if someone is asking these questions, if you responded as suggested, you can't be sure you wouldn't then get a message saying, "I don't believe you," rather than, "thanks for letting me know." It's best not to get involved. And if you were having an affair, there's a strong chance you wouldn't respond, "oh yes, we've been having an affair for the last 6 months," so there still isn't any point getting involved.

As I said upthread, all it needs is a simple response along the lines of 'your husband and I both attended a work function in a professional capacity only. If you have anything further to ask, please ask him, not me, I am not obliged to explain myself to you.

All it needs? To do what? Because that message isn't going to stop further ones.

I agree. No answer is enough.

There is also a strong chance you wouldn't respond AT ALL if you were having an affair, because you'd go into a blind panic and want time to confer with your affair partner first, to get your stories straight.

As I said, one response and make it clear you won't be responding further. That's what I would do, but by all means, you do you. Personally I think no reponse could look potentially more guilty than a civil but curt response that puts her in her place swiftly and firmly. I don't really buy the argument that responding will lead to further messages and demands of explanations. It might but you can ignore them.

Ignoring the first message completely is just as likely to result in further messages demanding a response. One course of action doesn't necessarily reduce the risk of further contact any more than the other.

I wouldn’t reply because I am a professional adult not a character on coronation street:

I find others people marital dramas seedy. I wouldn’t want to be involved in any way at all. I wouldn’t roll my eyes and delete the text message.

if it was a friend of course I would respond and rationale with them - assuming they were having some sort of life crisis. But a colleagues wife? Not my circus and not my moneys.

Are you seriously saying that the reply I suggested, which was along the lines of:

'Your husband and I were both present at a corporate event in a professional capacity only. If you have any further questions I suggest you direct them to him, not me.'

Makes me no more dignified or professional than a character from Corrie?

Wow. Okay then.If you think that gives you the win, then have it. 😂

I think the issue is that OP was attending this event in a professional capacity, representing her company. She does not owe a random woman - especially one who should not have her contact details in the first place - an explanation regarding this.

Replying might help but it might make things worse. What it does do is make OP part of the conversation, which is something she does not want to do.

OP hasn't responded for 3 weeks. I'm not sure she's coming back.

It's always interesting to see threads take on a life of their own.

Still no update?

As people keep saying the op hasn't updated for weeks. I think we can presume the night out with the boss, the snaps shared with the 'team' the jealous texty wife may have all ran its course.
We can stand down .

Which part of the post makes you feel he's creepy?

I wish posters would come back just to update, so frustrating to waste time reading, with no final outcome....

Of all the threads I've followed this is the one I most want to have an update on

Me too, but I guess the OP might not want the attention in case it gets recognised.