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Original poster

Can’t stop crying after holiday

219 replies

Laptopsas · 18/09/2025 17:21

Just been away on a little mini break with my partner me had a great time. We’ve been together ages, he's lovely, kind, great company, no control or jealousy issues and I feel lucky to have met him.

He made a couple of joking comments. I know they were jokes. One was that I talk too loud. I often do. I know I do. One was that I talk about a hobby a lot. Again, I know I do, I know he was just teasing me.

But they have really upset me and I don’t know why. I know logically I shouldn’t be upset, but physically I just keep crying. Am I just tired and worn out?

He text this morning apologising if he’d been hard work, which he wasn’t, at all, I loved spending time with him. But I felt like I was annoying him and my reaction is utterly bizarre. What is going on?

I don’t live with him and he doesn’t know I’ve been upset. I don’t know why I am.

OP posts:
Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 06:01

It’s the beginning of the end I suspect.
However because they don’t live together and have zero intention of ever living together, it will hopefully be quite straightforward.

Having said that, I have a feeling that this will be circling the drain for a very prolonged period of time as I imagine he will just get increasingly irritated and snappy but won’t have the balls to finish it.

OP, you can’t see it atm but if these kind of interactions continue, I’d be looking to walk. His heart isn’t in it

Thepossibility · 21/09/2025 06:38

LadyLolaRuben · 18/09/2025 19:36

You're upset because he criticised who you are - how you speak and your passion/hobby. You've always been this way so why raise it now? Also, he's raising issues that you can't really change and if you do, you would not be your true self. He's reflecting his attitude towards you which isn't very nice. I think you're upset (and quite rightly) because his attitude isn’t the same one you have towards him.

I thought this too. It's all well and good to joke around but he's basically telling you to shoosh yourself and stop going on. Your voice and what you love are annoying to him. I'd be hurt too.
I'd guess a bit of peri hormone chaos in the mix ramped the hurt x 1000.

MerryUmberHedgehog · 21/09/2025 07:39

Perhaps a bit thoughtless of him. I think you crying about it after you've come home is not to do with what he said but a symptom of something else. Go to GP. I think you should tell him how you are feeling though but try to avoid "you made me feel". Don't lose sight of the positives in your relationship that you have described.

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Relationship problems
Notmyreality · 21/09/2025 07:53

autienotnaughty · 18/09/2025 17:45

i think you were upset because you were having a lovely romantic weekend where you felt connected and close and your bf chose to make negative comments about you. It made you feel wrong.
why tell you these things on a weekend away? Either he’s a bit tactless or he was bursting your bubble deliberately.

Or OP talks excessively loud and non stop about her hobby, which any reasonable person would indeed find irritating?

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 08:05

He’s got the ick?

MargaritaMargaret · 21/09/2025 08:45

Op - you’ve already said he was suffering with the heat, and feeling ill but still made the effort to go out and enjoy the holiday with you. I suspect it was just that, he wasn’t feeling 100%, had just left the hotel room into a quiet corridor, you spoke (maybe quite loudly?), he was feeling feeling a bit aggy due to the heat, so spoke a bit more snappy than usual? It was slightly out of character, you were taken aback and it stung? I’m sure it’s nothing more than that. He sounds a lovely bloke normally and it sounds like you have a good relationship - mention it if you feel like it. Better to just voice it and get it out the way. And fwiw I think it sounds a great set up, having your own homes, space and time! 😊

busymomtoone · 21/09/2025 08:49

Cannot Believe the people asking you re hormones , sensitivity etc. You went away for a relaxing, romantic break with a partner of 6 or more years - and in that short time he dissed the way you speak , and your admiring a sunset saying you’d like to paint it- a hobby which brings you much pleasure, yet he “ couldn’t stand to hear about it”. Those sound like personal attacks of your very way of being. You say you usually “ tease” each other - only you know whether those are light hearted “ teases” or ways of saying things that slowly aim to modify both of you and hence change you. It’s not unusual to be irritated by some of a partner’s behaviours- but after so long to “ joke” about your voice ( when he should know you are sensitive about it) or a hobby sounds blatantly nasty and an attempt to push someone away. If you are genuinely happy and content with a piecemeal relationship ( seeing each other at weekends, knowing it will never progress further and that parts of you are not even liked or accepted by him) carry on - but be aware he may jump ship when someone who ticks more of his boxes comes along. I’m not remotely surprised at you being upset - you deserve much much better- I just question why you are trying to convince yourself that you are the issue!

Lifeisokay · 21/09/2025 08:57

Laptopsas · 18/09/2025 17:50

We weren’t having a conversation when he made the hobby comment. I like painting, and there was a nice sunset and I said it would make a lovely painting, and he said ‘I can’t hear about painting any more’ or similar. I definitely mentioned a few lovely views that would make lovely paintings but I’d never sit down and try and engage him in conversations about it.

Yes, I know I can speak loudly. I think it’s because my dad is deaf so we grew up speaking quite loudly. I am aware and self conscious about it. I didn’t know he’d ever picked up on it.

Show quote history

This comment feel very unkind, to me. I’m not surprised you’re feeling troubled by it. His reaction feels like he’s getting tired of you and you’re picking up on that. You deserve to be with someone who respects you.

Bestfootforward11 · 21/09/2025 09:03

It’s hard to say if it was criticism as it depends on the tone, delivery, immediate and wider context. If he’s generally a nice guy, then it’s worth figuring out why potential criticism has wounded you in this way. I think the way we speak is so fundamental to who we are and how we connect, I can understand you feeling hurt by it. I think if the relationship is as strong as you describe you should be able to have a conversation about it and say I know you didnt mean anything but I felt upset by that comment because…. and see where it goes. Good luck.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 21/09/2025 09:31

JenXWarrior · 18/09/2025 18:18

Ah, the old,

''I'll say what I really think and shut down your reaction by gaslighting you and saying I was only joking. I'll continue to state that I was only joking until it starts to make you seem unreasonable. If I'm really lucky, you'll start to believe you are. You might even apologise if I pitch it just right. In future I can joke about anything I am actually serious about and you'll be trained to not respond unreasonably.''

This. A joke’s only a joke if you’re both laughing. Otherwise it’s just meanness.

Mumof2heroes · 21/09/2025 09:33

Laptopsas · 18/09/2025 19:01

I have no worries at all about my popularity!

I am the opposite way. It drives me absolutely up the wall when people seem to whisper or mutter, it makes me want to shake them and tell them to speak properly. It does my head in.

But we’d just walked into the deserted hallway from the hotel room, opposite the lift. I started to say how lovely the view was and I was going to take a photo. He interrupted to say ‘okay Lap, I’m just here’, which threw me and I asked if I was talking loud, and he said yes, I said I think it comes from my dad being deaf and always having to speak up as kids, and he said ‘you do talk loudly sometimes, can I tell you to speak quieter??’, and I could feel tears almost straight away so I pretended to be concentrating on filming the view. He asked a minute later if I was crying and I said no, them thankfully the busy lift arrived. I know it’s a ridiculously overemotional reaction and I don’t know why.

Edited
Show quote history

Just a thought OP and I apologise if I'm way off the mark. Is your DF still around? Do you think you're so upset because he's the reason why you speak loudly?
Also, I was very emotional in my 40s and I'm positive it was because of perimenopause. Maybe food for thought...

NecklessMumster · 21/09/2025 09:56

Crumple Button. He inadvertently pushed your 'crumple button', a term Ann Dickson uses in her assertiveness training books.
It means something said to you that somehow creates in you a strong emotional response that is out of proportion to the situation. It's a horrible feeling out of the blue.

mjf981 · 21/09/2025 09:58

Why do you speak so loud? Is it maybe worth getting a hearing test?

FlappingMadly · 21/09/2025 10:02

He knew he'd behaved badly because he messaged you about it. The issues you mention are nothing. A hobby is good and communicating happily is good. This man felt you were perhaps too happy, burst the bubble, saw how you felt, then messaged you about it in a way you'd be encouraged to forgive. Reflect on that a little.

Skybluepinky · 21/09/2025 10:41

Sounds like you being loud annoys him, in reality it would annoy most people, have you got hearing issues? Sounds like your mental health has also taken a downturn so go seek help from GP.

autienotnaughty · 21/09/2025 11:43

Notmyreality · 21/09/2025 07:53

Or OP talks excessively loud and non stop about her hobby, which any reasonable person would indeed find irritating?

Show quote history

Then he could have spoke to her about it at any point in the past 6 years?

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 11:55

autienotnaughty · 21/09/2025 11:43

Then he could have spoke to her about it at any point in the past 6 years?

Show quote history

Well this is what happens when you get the ick

which I suspect he has

Star458 · 21/09/2025 12:09

How was your relationship with your dad and his deafness OP? Do you think him saying about your being loud brought up something around that?

Are you ND OP? Talking at people about your favourite hobby and nor noticing when they've had enough of hearing about it is so very, very typical of autism - as is not realising how loudly you're talking and also having rejection sensitive dysphoria.

pikkumyy77 · 21/09/2025 12:48

DireStraights · 20/09/2025 19:12

the comments don’t sound spiteful so perhaps there’s a reason your very sensitive to it? Are you feeling insecure in the relationship? Or something else?

what isn’t mean, snd unnecessarily so, about the order to stop talking about her hobby? Spiteful comments are not the only problem comments in a relationship.

Bikergran · 21/09/2025 16:34

If it doesn't make you laugh, it's not a joke.

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 17:26

Bikergran · 21/09/2025 16:34

If it doesn't make you laugh, it's not a joke.

Shit jokes?

Loullybelle · 21/09/2025 17:34

Maybe he was feeling irritable? He's only human. I don't understand the comments here making him out to be a bad guy. As if everyone criticising him has never said a word out of line or felt irritated by someone's behaviour. He sounds great, on the whole, and that's what counts. No-one is perfect 100% of the time. Of course, if the criticism becomes a pattern, that's different. But a conversation with him when all's calm might help to smooth over any hurt feelings.

SonicBoomInTheRoom · 21/09/2025 17:56

Why is it OP's issue? She has every right to feel upset or hurt by comments. He apologised which implies he is feeling guilty because he knows he has not been kind. We all have a right to our own feelings even if someone didn't mean to hurt, that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

OP, talk to your partner. Get it in the open. You deserve that much. If it's something you feel you can work on, fine. But your enthusiasm for a hobby is something you should be supported in by the person you love. You sound fun. I'm enthusiastic and get it from my mother that I'm obsessive about karaoke. My friends, husband and kids see this as me enjoying what I do. We are what we are and trying to change for others isn't helpful to being true to ourselves.

❤️

BTMama1 · 21/09/2025 19:18

Explain how you feel to him and have a conversation about it. The key to successful relationships is good communication. This is likely to happen again and you will become increasingly confused.

Annanirvana · 22/09/2025 14:14

I love the way people think it's your hormones, or your moods 🙄. How about HIS hormones and moods? Let me put it this way, the OP has said he's not normally like this and he's apologised. Therefore he realises he's overstepped the mark. Is she being oversensitive? I think not, he was behaving like an arsehole. I'm not saying he is a full time arsehole, they seem to be happy otherwise. No one, likes being criticised, no one. Maybe the OP needs some safe words, may I cheekily suggest " Now then my dear, you're being a bit of a tool." (Yes, I meant TOOL, not fool) 🤗

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