Can’t stop crying after holiday

[Laptopsas]

Just been away on a little mini break with my partner me had a great time. We’ve been together ages, he's lovely, kind, great company, no control or jealousy issues and I feel lucky to have met him.

He made a couple of joking comments. I know they were jokes. One was that I talk too loud. I often do. I know I do. One was that I talk about a hobby a lot. Again, I know I do, I know he was just teasing me.

But they have really upset me and I don’t know why. I know logically I shouldn’t be upset, but physically I just keep crying. Am I just tired and worn out?

He text this morning apologising if he’d been hard work, which he wasn’t, at all, I loved spending time with him. But I felt like I was annoying him and my reaction is utterly bizarre. What is going on?

I don’t live with him and he doesn’t know I’ve been upset. I don’t know why I am.

In my experience the barbed comments from someone that doesn’t usually - something is going on underneath.

If you don’t live together and have no plans to, why is that?

I think it didn’t feel like playful teasing. It just felt like criticism.

He has had a nasty shock in his own life.

We’re both happy living alone and having our own space.

It was criticism.

I think you’re over thinking this. Sometimes we just end up over-emotional about something - I haven’t been able to stop crying today about a fairly minor thing, I’m just feeling low for no real reason. No big deal!

Is he a person that prefers his own company? And possibly HE is getting older, less tolerant and more grumpy? Why does it have to be a you issue? Men do get cranky as they age in some cases.

I can see why you are upset, it was a home truth moment, whether he meant to insult or not. It's hard to hear. It seems he is apologetic and didn't meant to cause pain.

I'm just throwing something out there... on threads where people can't figure out why they aren't more popular etc I've often suggested they examine their talking volume. It's a real thing for me, I can't stand people who talk loudly, they make me uncomfortable and I get very self conscious and embarrassed around them. I feel I can't mention personal stuff because they blab it aloud for all to hear. I also hate a loud laugh and tend to avoid loud people. I know it's not usually their fault or something they are aware of, but that's just the way I feel. He may have done you a favour to draw your attention to something you might be able to work on. Maybe he didn't know how else to broach it.

I wouldn’t say hes getting less tolerant or more grumpy. He's just as he always has been other than these comments being unusually harsh. But
logically they don’t seem bad enough to be crying over. I don’t know.

To throw another side in this . My sister overtalks others and interrupts and knows it but still does it exactly the same ..I don’t understand why she doesn’t try as those around her , especially her partner fade into the background and it’s sad to watch

I have no worries at all about my popularity!

I am the opposite way. It drives me absolutely up the wall when people seem to whisper or mutter, it makes me want to shake them and tell them to speak properly. It does my head in.

But we’d just walked into the deserted hallway from the hotel room, opposite the lift. I started to say how lovely the view was and I was going to take a photo. He interrupted to say ‘okay Lap, I’m just here’, which threw me and I asked if I was talking loud, and he said yes, I said I think it comes from my dad being deaf and always having to speak up as kids, and he said ‘you do talk loudly sometimes, can I tell you to speak quieter??’, and I could feel tears almost straight away so I pretended to be concentrating on filming the view. He asked a minute later if I was crying and I said no, them thankfully the busy lift arrived. I know it’s a ridiculously overemotional reaction and I don’t know why.

If you look at it from the otherside you've been together 6 years, more casually even longer and in all that time the only thing he's ever said that could be perceived as negative is that you're a bit loud and talk about painting a lot, both of which you describe as true and he has said once. He has also apologised for being difficult, You've said he was ill and hot maybe he did snap a little but it sounds very very minor.
If he's genuinely as lovely as you say usually, I'd chalk it up to neither of you being at your best.

FWIW my best friend has some hearing loss in one ear and can be loud without realising especially where there's a fair amount of background noise. I have mentioned her volume sometimes, I still love her and I know she doesn't mean it.

Yes but things about another person, even your partner, can be really annoying. My sil is lovely but dear god she cannot stop talking and it would drive me round the bend if I had to live with that for any length of time. Short story long would be an under statement, but I still really like her.

Well, that’s fine, but I was neither doing nor being accused of those things.

I think this sounds like he was quite sensitive to be honest

So if your partner was doing something that was really irritating to you, you wouldn’t speak up?

Maybe it was the truth and he said in a joking way.
I am guilty of doing it to someone when i just had enough i didnt say it in a joking way either i was blunt.
She was loud to bloody loud, when talking indoors you could hear her up the street.
Talking outside town shops etc just no it was embarrassing.

And the constant talk about the same bloody thing it done mine and others heads in my kids my hobby my kids my hobby my kids my hobby.
I said what i said and she calmed down for about week i fizzled out in the end.

But I was at my best. I was just acting normally. And clearly me acting normally annoys him.

You weren't acting your best when you cried because he said I'm right here, when you were shouting/talking at volume in an empty lobby. You then asked him if you were loud and he answered honestly and then asked if it was ok to tell you that. I really don't think he's done anything wrong.

You sound very sensitive to criticism. That's not a criticism by the way, I'm the same and I hate how it stings, far more than it should!

But trying to look at it objectively, it's still not very nice that he found two things to criticise you about while you were meant to be enjoying time away. Talking too loud indicates he finds it irritating. Saying he "can't listen" to anything about your hobby (when it sounds like you were making a passing comment rather than banging on) indicates he finds it a bore. Do you think he's going off you? I know from my dating days that once I stopped fancying someone I kept noticing things about them that irritated me that hadnt before.

Are couples never allowed to say anything about the other’s annoying ways etc? I’m quite blunt and would say to a long time partner if they had annoying habits.

This with bells on. 👏

No. I don’t think he’s going off me. I do think something is causing me to be over sensitive though.

If you talk loudly all the time and he hasn’t mentioned before now then maybe in that scenario where it was super quiet and potentially echoey he wanted to point it out

i wonder if it is because you associate your loud voice with your dad and so it is a sensitive subject for you.

( But have you ever questioned why you have never tried to temper your volume in certain circumstances? I assume you are very unpopular with librarians)

and the painting obviously means a lot to you and it hurt you that he can’t see that

whereas In the past the teasing hasn’t hit on something so meaningful to you

I do temper the volume! I worry about it all of the time.

The painting criticism itself doesn’t bother me. The over the top snapping does.

Do you suspect he's losing interest in you?