Can’t stop crying after holiday

[Laptopsas]

Just been away on a little mini break with my partner me had a great time. We’ve been together ages, he's lovely, kind, great company, no control or jealousy issues and I feel lucky to have met him.

He made a couple of joking comments. I know they were jokes. One was that I talk too loud. I often do. I know I do. One was that I talk about a hobby a lot. Again, I know I do, I know he was just teasing me.

But they have really upset me and I don’t know why. I know logically I shouldn’t be upset, but physically I just keep crying. Am I just tired and worn out?

He text this morning apologising if he’d been hard work, which he wasn’t, at all, I loved spending time with him. But I felt like I was annoying him and my reaction is utterly bizarre. What is going on?

I don’t live with him and he doesn’t know I’ve been upset. I don’t know why I am.

I never said he was abusive or nasty. I have said the opposite.

I don’t think the poster meant you - lots of other people have said he was nasty..

I agree with the above poster, occasionally in a relationship you get grumpy with one another and might even snipe at one another. It’s normal. But how you deal with it is important. When he asked were you crying you should have told him that hurt you or touched a nerve. He might have apologised and said sorry, you were just a bit loud.

I wonder if your hormones are kicking in with peri if you’re in your 40s? I could get really upset over things when it first started for me.

You said it wash very hot. Was he feeling hot hand bothered and because of this irritable and you just hit a nerve that normally wouldn’t have even registered. Were you also the same so it landed more than it normally would.

The more i read on this thread the more i think whats the point of it.
No matter what any poster says its wrong.

The point was to chat. That’s why it’s in Chat 🙄.

What a drama about nothing, OP you need to examine why you are having such an extreme reaction over a rather innocent comment from your partner. You yourself have admitted that you DO speak too loud and that you DO waffle on about your hobby too much. But when your partner points it out in a constructive way you get mortally offended. Sounds like a you problem and not a problem with your partner.

I agree with this 100% drama over nothing.

I am here examining why I am having such an extreme reaction.

I did not say I waffle on.

It was not constructive. Much like your comment.

But you haven’t examined your reaction at all. All your posts have been about your partners behaviour which you admit is normally very loving, not abusive or negative at all. You haven’t commented on your own behaviour, your mental or emotional health, any possible triggers in your life that could cause you to overreact to this non event. You haven’t explored any possible outside reasons for this out of character response, in fact your posts are quite contradictory, sounds like you want us to all agree that he is a twat and that you aren’t annoying. When in actual fact you do sound annoying and now you are pouting because he called you out in a jokey manner.

You are having such a reaction because what he said was true (you've said it is). He made accurate and reasonable true criticisms of two of your behaviours and you simply don't like it. You're crying with self-pity and embarrassment.

I'd get the ick so fast if someone told me that I was too loud or talk about my hobbies too much or basically made out that I am just too much.

What horrible criticisms.

Exactly this. It must have come as a shock after all these years that he is now bringing these things up, and could potentially mean that you will now be feeling uncomfortable about doing the things that make you you while around him from now on.
If this is the way you always have been and you have lasted this long, then I would have assumed that he would have loved these things about you. Strange he has digs about your character now and not brought it up years ago if it was an issue

Erm if my hubby says I'm to loud I drop a notch if he says I've gone on and on about the same film I cut it back and same back if he goes on and on about work I will say convo change time or something. Doesn't mean anything nasty at all just time to be aware of something and work in it

He didn’t say “I have a headache could you be quieter “ he told her “you are too loud.” He didn’t say “Im hot and bothered can we not talk about your hobbies or the view just now” he told her she was boring him with her ceaseless prattle about paintings. In both examples he criticized her for the way she us customarily. Instead of letting her know that he had a situational problem with it. That’s a huge problem because he basically put the onus on her to change. Instead of accepting the responsibility for managing his own mood.

I think he was badly behaved- maybe it was the way he said it, or it was not in keeping with your relationship- and he knows it. He crossed an unsaid line and you both responded.
i also think you kid yourself OP, i think the crying suggests some unacknowledged pain

You are probably having an extreme reaction because he hit a raw nerve with the loud talking thing. If it was me, I would be far more pissed off about the hobby comment.

Alternatively, his comments reveal more about his personality flaws than yours and you don’t like him as much as you did and this has made you upset.

So he’s in his home
and you’re in your home crying your eyes out and spending the evening discussing the holiday on mumsnet

any idea what how he spent his evening Op?

I think the heat made him a bit snappy and you a bit emotional. If you're not sure what he was apologising for, ask him. You have been together for long enough that you should be able to tell him that you felt hurt by his comments because they seemed to be personal criticisms. Being told that you're loud and boring isn't nice.

I'm loud and I don't temper it, so you can give yourself a 🏆 for that. If I notice people looking a bit startled, I ask if I'm being loud (sometimes!) and tone it down until the volume turns itself up again.

I was wondering about perimenopause, too. We're often the last to notice when our hormones affect our emotions / behaviour. But I have another question, too ... ... ... Did you get any compliments on this weekend? I understand he was uncomfortable and cranky, but all the same. If you got nothing in the way of appreciation, it's natural that a couple of personal criticisms would tip you into mild despair.

When I was perimenopausal I cried every day for all sorts of reasons, anything would start me off. I look back on it now in amazement.
Tbh, initially I thought it was him being an arse hole but reading your other comments I think you irritated him with your loud voice (another thing we have in common) and he told you so. He showed some sensitivity and has tried to apologise in a roundabout way because he realised he'd hurt your feelings.
Next time you see him, have a good chat and a great big hug.

Most people are annoying/hard work at times on holiday. Going away with family or friends often has these little flashpoints where you do each other’s head in with little habits or moods, and it’s a sign of a decent relationship that you get past it and still get along and move on. With a couple it’s even harder as there’s the pressure for it all to be this romantic getaway, but it’s still annoying at times being together 24/7 and has its ups and downs. Again the key is how you cope with that and know you still love each other warts and all rather than it being a big deal that makes you reassess the relationship or question your worth. I’d talk to him about how it’s made you feel, not in any accusing way, but just to put it in perspective and hopefully shrink the impact by realising it’s really not a big deal or indicative of anything deeper, at least in relationship terms.

OP he sounds quite unpleasant. Saying ‘this would make a lovely painting’ a few times isn’t banging on about a hobby. He may be showing his true self here. Sorry. I’d bring it up with him. Sounds like he’s putting you in your place.

When people say stuff like this, there’s generally a kernel of truth.

I talk loudly, so I have to make a conscious effort not to (I fail a lot 🤣). I don’t talk hobbies because nobody cares about anybody else’s hobbies, unless they share them. Are you asking him questions and actively listening? Maybe he feels like you’re dominating the conversation? (This is not to say that you shouldn’t btw before I get jumped upon!).

Not sure where you're getting those quotes from that isn't what the OP said.

I havnt read all the replies so its probably already been mentioned, but have you considered peri menopause might be messing with your reactions?

Mix that with him clearly struggling a bit that day and the result isn’t surprising.

all in all it sounds like you have a mutually satisfying relationship and are both happy with the status quo. I’ve always found it odd that people consider it odd if you havnt gone to the ‘next stage’ if you are happy where you are. It is possible to be happy this way. I have been with partner 25 years but lived apart the first 10. We only moved in together because of logistics but otherwise would have carried on as we were quite happily.

keep an eye on things and if it happens again discuss both your healths with each other, as, as you get older it’s less plain sailing and impacts our ability be who we are used to being.

Good luck. You’ll both be ok. Just keep talking and remember to be honest, maybe you’re masking more than you need to (maybe he is too, it’s easier to do this when you arnt living together). If you both unmask a bit you should be able to survive it.