Can’t stop crying after holiday

[Laptopsas]

Just been away on a little mini break with my partner me had a great time. We’ve been together ages, he's lovely, kind, great company, no control or jealousy issues and I feel lucky to have met him.

He made a couple of joking comments. I know they were jokes. One was that I talk too loud. I often do. I know I do. One was that I talk about a hobby a lot. Again, I know I do, I know he was just teasing me.

But they have really upset me and I don’t know why. I know logically I shouldn’t be upset, but physically I just keep crying. Am I just tired and worn out?

He text this morning apologising if he’d been hard work, which he wasn’t, at all, I loved spending time with him. But I felt like I was annoying him and my reaction is utterly bizarre. What is going on?

I don’t live with him and he doesn’t know I’ve been upset. I don’t know why I am.

The heat was extreme so he complained about it, and he’d felt a bit ill. I think that’s what he meant by hard work. He wasn’t hard work.

How long is “ages” OP?

Maybe but I don’t think I was any different to normal at all. I had a great time.

How old are you op?
have you discussed ever moving in together?

No, definitely not.

40s and we’ve discussed it in the sense of both of us very much enjoying living by ourselves. That’s not part of this at all.

So in 40s
been together for ages
never discussed moving in together (only how much you enjoy not living together)

would you like children?

Many years. No idea how many.

We have discussed moving in - because we’ve discussed that we do not want to do so.

I’m in my 40s. Children are irrelevant to this conversation.

Ah, the old,

''I'll say what I really think and shut down your reaction by gaslighting you and saying I was only joking. I'll continue to state that I was only joking until it starts to make you seem unreasonable. If I'm really lucky, you'll start to believe you are. You might even apologise if I pitch it just right. In future I can joke about anything I am actually serious about and you'll be trained to not respond unreasonably.''

well given you never plan to live together, I’d say fairly reasonable to presume also no children on the horizon.

Are you the poster that started the thread about never having said I love you to partner of many years and he neither to her?

well there are two things here - what he said and you spending the day after crying

in terms of your reaction that does seem extreme and I think you should maybe either check your health or, if you don’t think it’s that then have a really good think about your relationship and why this has hit you so hard

in terms of his comments - he’s your long term partner - this can’t be the first time he maybe commented on some of your flaws, we all have them and we can’t be perfect - and you are self aware enough to recognise them. As flaws go they’re not exactly terrible either! Could you reframe it that he’s being honest with you? If he was talking about morris dancing all the time and you thought it was ott wouldn’t you want to be able to tell him?

It's hard to be criticised. It is ok to be irritated by a partner occasionally (DH pissed ne right off on last holiday) and your DP told you. It's also OK to be hurt by that.

What do you want to do? Change? Tone it down? Ignore? Tell him? Bin him? Do what feels right and he can decide whether he wants that or not. Please don't live unhappily.

He knows he overstepped by overtly criticizing you and shaming you into silence. That is why he texted you his non apology apology. “I was hard work” is not an apology. Its a passive statement, an indirect speech act that forces you to say—as you did here—“oh no! You were cranky and grumpy and out of sorts but that’s fine! I didn’t mind at all.”

The remark about your alluding to your interest in painting was extremely rude and nasty. He basically—literally—told you to shut up Terms of both your tone and your topic.

I get that this is a longstanding relationship and that you feel it is a good one. I see a fragile meeting of teo avoidant introverts. He demands his own way and you give it to him. It wouldn’t suit me. You have to ask yourself if he gets meaner and ruder will it still suit you?

I would agree, but I’ve had my fair share of neggers and gaslighters and he's never done it before.

I didn’t apologise. A couple of times I, admittedly passive aggressively, asked if I was talking too loudly, and the second time he said something like ‘ah don’t worry about it’ or something. I didn’t want to make any more of a deal about it so that was it.

No, I love him very, very much and tell him so often, as he does me. I have no doubt he loves me, cares for me and is interested in my life. Which is why I don’t understand my reaction.

We tease each other all of the time. We know each other’s flaws. I enjoy the teasing. This felt different though. I felt quite embarrassed.

I don’t really want to do anything. Im very happy with him. I just don’t know why I’m so upset.

You’re upset because you went on holiday with a wanker

wise choice to never live with him op. A very wise choice

Maybe since he was feeling unwell he was more irritable than usual. 'Hot and bothered' in fact.
You say that you never argue and love spending time together, so maybe your huge sense of shock from his 'jokes' during this holiday comes from suddenly suspecting that the relationship is not as perfect as you have been thinking? In which case the way through is probably to accept that although it is a very good, happy, loving relationship, there will likely be moments of irritation sometimes, expressed or covered up by jokes. You can then comfort yourself with the thought that these blips are human and natural and not any kind of crisis.
Just don't look to him for this reassurance; it needs to come from you.

Why do you think you reacted so violently, if you're used to teasing one another? I assumed you had not been together long, that this holiday was the first sustained time you'd spent together and it was basically the first time he'd been in any way critical of you -- but clearly none of this is true if you've been together for years and are used to mutual teasing?

I don’t want to blame hormones for everything but I’ve recently started peri and I get a lot more emotional now

or maybe it would be worth exploring your feelings with a counsellor - maybe there’s something in your life your not happy about and you could figure it all out (might be him but might not be!)

I wonder if your painting is more than a hobby to you and is quite tied up in who you are and that’s why you took it badly

He really doesn’t demand his own way. And he did say ‘sorry if I was hard work at times’.

But I take your point and am grateful for your reply.

He wasn’t cranky or grumpy. He was too hot and a bit ill but only complaining in a jokey fashion which didn’t bother me at all, and even whilst ill making an effort to go out. He’s very easygoing and great fun and great company. But the loud voice comment embarrassed and upset me and the painting one felt snappy. I don’t think he has ever once ever snapped before.

You say you’re in your 40s and having read through your responses, do you think it could be hormonal? Perimenopause? I say this as someone who is in the throes of perimenopause (which has also unearthed I have ADHD). Things that didn’t bother me before have done and I’m noticing I’m fixating on things longer.