Can’t stop crying after holiday

[Laptopsas]

Just been away on a little mini break with my partner me had a great time. We’ve been together ages, he's lovely, kind, great company, no control or jealousy issues and I feel lucky to have met him.

He made a couple of joking comments. I know they were jokes. One was that I talk too loud. I often do. I know I do. One was that I talk about a hobby a lot. Again, I know I do, I know he was just teasing me.

But they have really upset me and I don’t know why. I know logically I shouldn’t be upset, but physically I just keep crying. Am I just tired and worn out?

He text this morning apologising if he’d been hard work, which he wasn’t, at all, I loved spending time with him. But I felt like I was annoying him and my reaction is utterly bizarre. What is going on?

I don’t live with him and he doesn’t know I’ve been upset. I don’t know why I am.

To raise it in a non-accusatory way, I say something like "I know I can be annoying, I annoy myself sometimes, but it's still weirdly upset me that you said xyz - can you reassure me it was just one of those in-the-moment things and not a bigger issue? Because I try not do xyz but I know I still will sometimes and I hope you'll still love me." Something like that. I often say that thing about annoying myself because it's true. We're all annoying in our own ways and we're the ones who have to be with ourselves non-stop! The miracle is that we find love anyway and make it work, and even love and miss each other's irritating ways sometimes.

Honestly I wouldn't think much of any relationship where I couldn't tell my partner he was being too loud if he was or vice versa. Op what do want from him? Is he ever alllowed mention it to you even if it's true, that way lies utter disaster.
I think you making him feel bad by telling you something you acknowledge to be true and going on about it for days after is rather mean actually.

Slept very well and feel much better today. Thanks all.

Have you had any contact with him?

Oh yeah, we speak frequently.

And…. What was he up to yesterday and last night when you were crying and on mumsnet?

Why? It’s not relevant.

Because I suspect he was at home, kicked back, watching TV, delighting in fact he lives alone and not giving this a nano second’s thought.

and if it was a healthy relationship, instead of spending the day crying and updating lengthy mumsnets posts…. You’d have picked up the phone or gone over to him 🤷‍♀️

Why shouldn’t he be doing those things? I want him to be happy having a nice night. He didn’t know I was upset. I’m not going to go over to speak about a comment he made days earlier. Some people might prefer that but it’s not for me.

All I needed was a good night’s sleep. I’m fine now.

good luck Op

What a load of rubbish!

Well the manner in which the comment(s) was received is not necessarily the same as the manner which the comment(s) was sent (or even meant!). My instinct is you've possibly over-reacted but, of course, you might disagree which is fine. In a strong relationship one should be able to take such comments (imo) as being constructive rather than destructive. I respect what my partner says and if it's "you did go on about your work a bit too much yesterday" then that's fine; I'll know better next time.

I've read a few of your responses. And I agree with this person's. If they are mentioning things that are clearly bugging them to the point they are mentioning them. This isnt good. And you have picked up on this. That is why your feeling this way. Going by what you have shared.

Sometimes these comments just come out, perhaps because they've been 'festering' for a while. I was hurt when a boyfriend told me I spoke (too) loudly in public. I thought about it and he was right because it was controlling and kept people at arms length from me. I was doing it unconsciously.
At the time I had a friend who spoke even more loudly than me and I could see it in her when I thought about it. I don't think it's to do with any sexism on your partners part in case thats a factor for you. It hurts though. From the way you describe your partner I suggest taking it on the chin and letting it sink in. But keep aware of what's going on for both of you.

Look at it positively. If what you are doing is pissing him off you
now have the opportunity to do something about it, That fact that he said it jokingly doesn’t mean it’s not what he’s thinking. I think people in relationships should regularly ask if there is anything that annoys each other.

I’m a bit disturbed by the amount of comments on here placing the blame on you… if you feel upset by some of the things he’s said about you, that’s completely on him. I don’t know where you are in your relationship but don’t ever make yourself smaller or different to please anybody. If he really thinks you’re too loud or he doesn’t like you to talk about what you love doing then, maybe he is not the right person for you to be with. Whilst it’s absolutely ok for him to voice his opinions, he shouldn’t be trying to change you x

the comments don’t sound spiteful so perhaps there’s a reason your very sensitive to it? Are you feeling insecure in the relationship? Or something else?

OP I'm glad you're feeling less upset, but you're right to be curious about your reaction to his criticism. First of all, it was unkind of him and he didn't apologise properly. Secondly, why did you pretend not to be crying when he had in fact made you cry? Thirdly, in a healthy relationship, you should be able to talk these things through - why didn't you tell him that his words made you really sad, that you spent the day crying?

It's interesting to me that your first responses seem to be sadness and defensiveness and wanting to change yourself, rather than annoyance at him trying to shame and silence you. Especially about your painting. The fact that he criticised this and made it seem like something you needed to shut up about is really sad. Maybe you were really sad because the things he said to you were just very unkind. And probably they hit you harder because he's the last person you would expect to be unkind to you.

I think this could be an opening to get closer in your relationship. Tell him honestly how you felt and what his words triggered in you. Allow him to see that he caused you hurt and let him properly apologise. If you simply brush it under the carpet, it will fester. When you hurt someone, you need to make amends for that.

Well there's always a start point for abuse. A boiled frog would jump the pot had the water been boiling at the start. I don't know how long you've been together but from experience abuse starts like this. So called jokes that aren't funny to test your boundaries. Gradually it increases. Most telling of all is your reaction. I think those are your instincts kicking in where your brain can't yet process. Make sure you maintain outside friendships and family connections.

I think it could be as simple as being tired.

DP and I have a similar relationship with lots of cheekiness and sometimes outrageous put-downs. We know it's said in jest and feel secure because we talk about anything and everything. We also live apart and see each other every 2 weeks for 3/4 days, plus do longer holidays together.

We are also very caring/attentive to each other and we dont count whether everything is always 50/50.

But from time to time it can get a little lopsided and some of the comments carry a little more weight if one of us is a bit tired or stressed or ill. The thing is that it usually blows over very quickly and we're back to normal quickly. That's partly because we pick up on changes like comments quickly as the first sign of something amiss, and ask how we are etc.

The underlying care and affection hasn't gone, just the ability to pitch quips with quite the right accuracy.

While some here feel that his comments are negging I'd be inclined to believe them to be genuine and just something that he normally suppresses. I too have a painter as a partner and while I have been super helpful and enthusiastic there does come a time when I just want to change the subject. It's such an all-consuming passion and it virtually everything can be viewed through that lens. Having a cloud pointed out excitedly when you're driving can be distracting.
But when you care you don't want to shut down your partners enthusiasm ... so you don't, except on those rare occasions when its too hard because you're tired etc

So, long story short, he may have completely meant what he said when he said it, but that doesn't mean that's his permanent view of you.

So the best thing to do is to talk to him.
Talk.
Always.
Let him know how you feel
Don't blame him for saying it
Find out if it was a fleeting annoyance on his part.
If not, then you can work out a solution between you.

It may be your subconscious picking up something off.

Hmmm.....if he's criticising you and you're feeling tearful that is your body's way of telling you something is off.... please check out the red flags of narcissistic abuse and see if any of the behaviours reasonate with you. Good luck x

If you're anything like me whenever I talk a bit louder or a bit much about a hobby or something going on in my life, it's because I'm passionate about it! And so if someone makes those comments it knocks you down. Essentially it's silencing you.
My ex used to do the same, little comments made in a jokey way, but it's still negative and it affects your mood. Unfortunately over time you tell yourself you can't be yourself, to talk quieter, to not talk as much..
He might have "just" made a few careless comments but you were there for a lovely holiday with him, not to be criticised.

There are a lot of classic “he’s a horrible man” comments here but I don’t think what he said was that bad in the context of feeling unwell and pushing through a holiday. I don’t think you do either which is why you’re questioning your reaction so much.

Re the hobby - my DH is a Parkrun enthusiast and we can’t go away without him looking up the closest Parkrun. I’ll occasionally roll my eyes a bit at it teasingly. If I was ill and feeling hot and uncomfortable on holiday I can imagine asking him to leave it for the moment if he started telling me all about the local Parkruns he had just looked up.

On speaking loudly - it sounds like this is the first time he’s mentioned something that you are self conscious about. Where were you both when he mentioned it?

I’m wondering whether you’re taking the comments so much to heart is because it makes you think your partner has secretly been exasperated every time you’ve mentioned painting, and that for years he’s been silently cringing when you’ve been speaking loudly. This would understandably hurt.

If your relationship is as good as you say, try and talk to him about it and say that the comments have affected you more than you’d like - ask does he always hate it when your talk about painting, and that you can speak loudly? He may be dismayed that he’s hurt your feelings so much.

Also, I agree with @CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone