DS back from 4 years at Uni - advice needed

[JenW84391]

My 22 yr old has returned from
Uni, we live pretty rurally and he does not drive so I am on hand whenever he needs to be anywhere etc, we feed him, keep him alive etc and financially support him around £200pm, anyway just lately he has become quietly horrible to me and my hubby, if we enter a room when he is in there it’s like we are in “his” home, I feel uncomfortable in my own home, this eve he came to speak to us to ask us to stop giving him any advice and to tell us his situation here at home is far from ideal! That going from his room into our “spare”room, now his office space is not fulfilling him, he has a little cleaning job which gives him some spends but feels it’s beneath him, he has become a real snob since uni, and I don’t recognise my own child, today I decided perhaps to suggest he move bk to his uni town and help him financially to set himself up?? (I haven’t spoken to him yet) He isn’t happy here and we are feeling really uncomfortable in our own space, it’s the exact path his elder brother took and I’m not sure I can go through those feelings again?? He has become an A**hole and I don’t know what to do??
pls don’t suggest kick him out etc it’s not helpful and it’s not something us as parents would choose to do, but we do need advice from anyone who has experienced this behaviour? To add, we have been very accepting of the behaviour during his settling back home period, understanding he has left his own space to go back home to Mummy & Daddy but he is becoming quietly cruel now ffs it’s so hard!! And so sad seeing my lovely child be one and ogre

Stop paying him.money.
he can claim uc and or work more hours and or go back to uni town etc .

I don’t understand why you’re giving him
money.

He’s an adult now, a graduate and he needs to be more independent and responsible

Why do you give him £200 a month and ferry him around everywhere? He sounds quite spoilt

We have a similar situation with dd, same age. We don’t give her any money though. We let her live with us rent free and provide food etc but nothing beyond that. She is currently working 24 hours a week in a local cafe. I know graduate jobs are hard to come by (many of her friends in similar situations) but it’s the whole “woe is me” attitude that is difficult. She hates where we live (rural ish, but walking distance to local town).

Christ OP I would be throwing him out but I know you don’t want that. So therefore I suggest hard words.
He is an adult and needs to know how the world works. Yes it is hard for young people these days but it doesn’t give them the right to treat you like crap. It is your home.
We are parents but we are human, I take no shit these days ( menopause). What about a letter explaining how you feel and then it doesn’t end up in a shouting match. At the end of the day all you want is the best for him.

We expected my daughter to apply for jobs as her career. If she did that 35 hours a week we supported her. She did and she sealed work after 5 months

Why did he come back? It seems completely illogical if he doesn't drive and you live rurally. How was he expecting to get a job?

Why doesn't he drive?

You need to have serious words with him.

He has no urgency to work if you keep giving him pocket money.

Does he have a plan? Is he signing on? Is he applying for jobs? Is he learning to drive? Did he speak to his uni careers service?

What happened to his brother? I infer he is no longer at home, so presumably got a job or something?

If you can afford it, the idea of helping get his own place in a town is useful. But I think he needs to come up with a plan. You may need to give him some deadlines. Jobs don't usually happen instantly- it takes time to apply, to go through the (sometimes ridiculously convoluted for recent graduates) interview process and get an offer, even when the market isn't as tough as it currently is. So you will probably have to tolerate it for a while, but it certainly can't go on indefinitely.

Was there not an expectation that after 4 years at university he would look for a job?

£200 goes towards driving lessons and nothing is else.

I'd want him to be applying for 5 jobs a day and a deadline of out of the house by Xmas.

Talk to him. It doesn't have to be an ultimatum or a row. Just speak adult to adult. Say his attitude is ridiculously adolescent and he needs to behave with respect and love towards you. Your respect and love for him are demonstrated by having welcomed him home but that does not give him the right to revert to Kevin the Teenager.

We need to accept that his generation can't as easily move out, get a job. The CoL and job opportunities just aren't what they were. But that's not an excuse to delay adulthood. Get him to muck in with cleaning, cooking, buying food. Encourage him to discuss plans for a more fulfilling life. And explain that if he really has no desire to behave like a decent adult around you, he is free to leave. You won't kick him out but you will always pick him up on his behaviour if he acts like a snobbish, entitled arse.

We pay for his medication he earns money doing a pt job to spend on whatever he wants or needs

He applies every day for jobs that isn’t in question and the money is for medication that he needs so it’s not being spent frivolously

He needs to pay for his own medication. We made dd put all her monthly expenses that we paid for her at university into her own account.

Why is medication costing him £200 a month?

If he has a long term medical condition his prescriptions should be free?

or are you not in the UK?

£200 on medication is a huge amount.

can’t he get a pre payment certificate?

He needs a full time job. Any job at this stage.
Stop ferrying him around and stop paying for him. I understand not charging him rent until he’s earning a full wage, but you don’t need to be providing him with pocket money.

My parents simply wouldn’t have allowed me to work part time after uni. The deal was that I had to get a full time job asap, even if it wasn’t in the field I had trained in.

Get him to apply for Universal Credit. It can be done very easily online. He then will have to attend a meeting once a week / fortnight in person. Even living in his parents' home with no costs he will still get about £300 a month (maybe less if he is earning a decent amount in his pt job). That should be enough to cover his medication and other costs.

Then you need to sit him down and have an adult conversation about his plans, and showing basic respect and decency towards his parents.

Christ OP I would be throwing him out

And make him homeless? Really?
No landlord would rent to someone with no means of paying rent, and the OP would have to be guarantor.

@JenW84391 I am also puzzled why medication costs £200 a month. Why doesn't your DS have a prepaid certificate? Or are you not in the UK?

The job market is brutal right now and I think several posters don't realise it, but it sounds like the OP's DS needs to look for a better job - any job until he can get one that he is qualified for.

He said stop giving him advice ...this is what stood out
Perhaps he feels really miserable and crap and can't get his head together and as kindly as it's meant your making him feel worse with the advice.
Crazy as it sounds can you try and do fun stuff , lift the atmosphere. It's hard to feel motivated or haply

It’s very possible to spend 200 a month on medication. He might be paying privately for adhd meds while waiting for an NHS assessment. Or using weight loss jabs.

Quite the drip feed here.

I do feel some sympathy for him as young people do get promised a future if they do well at uni, but the reality is competition for jobs is fierce. I can understand him feeling a little bitter stuck in the middle of nowhere, depending on his parents with what must feel like no prospects and no hope of getting out. That doesn't excuse him taking it out on you however.

I think he'd be better off if he could move somewhere more urban for a start, so I think your plan sounds like a good one, or could you help him find a job and give him a rental deposit in the nearest city or large town?

Exactly this!! It seems people don’t want to offer their own experiences, only to tell me what not to do, I’ve gone through every emotion lately and it’s nice to see that someone sees the reality with the cost of these meds and yes as you suggest he is awaiting shared care, thank you for your positive response rather than trying to tell me just how you would deal with it, when in reality advice and reality are very different things, so thanks again