DS back from 4 years at Uni - advice needed

[JenW84391]

My 22 yr old has returned from
Uni, we live pretty rurally and he does not drive so I am on hand whenever he needs to be anywhere etc, we feed him, keep him alive etc and financially support him around £200pm, anyway just lately he has become quietly horrible to me and my hubby, if we enter a room when he is in there it’s like we are in “his” home, I feel uncomfortable in my own home, this eve he came to speak to us to ask us to stop giving him any advice and to tell us his situation here at home is far from ideal! That going from his room into our “spare”room, now his office space is not fulfilling him, he has a little cleaning job which gives him some spends but feels it’s beneath him, he has become a real snob since uni, and I don’t recognise my own child, today I decided perhaps to suggest he move bk to his uni town and help him financially to set himself up?? (I haven’t spoken to him yet) He isn’t happy here and we are feeling really uncomfortable in our own space, it’s the exact path his elder brother took and I’m not sure I can go through those feelings again?? He has become an A**hole and I don’t know what to do??
pls don’t suggest kick him out etc it’s not helpful and it’s not something us as parents would choose to do, but we do need advice from anyone who has experienced this behaviour? To add, we have been very accepting of the behaviour during his settling back home period, understanding he has left his own space to go back home to Mummy & Daddy but he is becoming quietly cruel now ffs it’s so hard!! And so sad seeing my lovely child be one and ogre

Can he apply for an annual prescription prepayment certificate? Assuming he is in England, then it is £114.50 for 12 months.

My son came back after 5 years. He was a monster. If I said that colour suits you, I was making personal remarks. If we asked if he would be around for Sunday lunch , we were controlling. He was working from home and took over 2 rooms in our house, and constantly complained about them. He didn’t clean and both rooms actually smelt. He was very critical of us. We didn’t charge rent at first, we thought he was saving for a deposit. When it became clear that he was spending a fortune on holidays and takeaways and mad eBay finds, we started to charge and saved half . I was just so taken aback by his reversion to early adolescence, that it took us a while to respond. Then we challenged him, quietly but firmly every time. We told him that no one was forcing him to live with us, but if he wanted to we expected him to be clean and polite. It worked. He stayed 5 years in the end.

No, as it's not under the nhs

Medication costing £200 pc? Is he on Mounjaro? Either way I'd pack him back to his Uni town, give him deposit for a room and let him claim UC. They would pay for his room and it might jolt him I to finding a job.

No its not but thank you for commenting

It’s extremely relevant and you were the one who brought it up.
Why is a 22 year old man relying on his parents for lifts? This is a big contributing factor to your issues you mention. He needs to but how will he get there? Why are you being so obtuse about it- has he just not bothered?

My experience is that my parents would never have let me get away with that and so we didn’t have this problem. And I had jobs which I drove myself to. If I couldn’t drive/no parking etc I would have got public transport or walked. Like the train to the closest city for one. So if that’s not an issue why have you mentioned it? Tell
him to call an Uber or taxi?! Why are you driving him about. It’s not an excuse at that age.

or are you going to help him get driving lessons? What’s the plan to enable him to move out? The problem is people’s experiences aren’t going to mirror yours. They won’t get your son out of the house or into a job interview.

Let me get this straight: you have a 22year old son who is staying with you for free AND you are paying him money.

FFS, no wonder he’s acting like a spoilt brat. That’s exactly what he is.

First immediate step is the money to him stops, and him paying you rent starts.

She has said that the money is for his medication, not just pocket money.

@JenW84391 I'm assuming that both you as parents, and he as a returning adult, are between a rock and a hard place particularly wrt his NHS diagnosis and cost of medication, not currently having a full driving licence and all that kind of stuff.

Your son sounds depressed by his situation and possibly any comparisons with his brother. In as much as you can be with an adult who doesn't want to listen to your conversations that he terms 'advice' do you think his medication is actually working for him? or at least, working the best it can? Could he get a second opinion or get it checked out?

Is it at all possible he could get a head start on his Masters and that might give him more purpose in the short term? Obviously you'd be on egg shells even suggesting that.

We had a similar situation with a DC and I exercised tough love, which made for a tricky few years, but is now very much appreciated with the benefit of hind sight. However, DC didn't have any medical issues, just a massive attitude problem and lack of direction. As hope for the future, as I said it took years, but they really turned things around and are now firing on all cylinders and very happy. My specific point being that sometimes when you absolutely despair, in the great scheme of a lifetime, it's a blip, it just seems like a whole lifetime when you're living through it. I can absolutely identify with being made to feel uncomfortable in your own home and for me that was totally unacceptable, as it would be with strangers flat sharing, so I did set out strict ground rules about how we would be spoken to, respect and about communal spaces etc. Those rules cut both ways and were non negotiable.

Best of luck to you. You will get through this and come out the other side.

Edited to add that it's an excellent point how UC will make contributions to his pension. That's something no one thinks or cares about in their 20s, but is well worth having and he should apply straight away.

Yes totally agree he does all these things

Put a roof over his head but expect rent. If he can't be civil, give him notice to move on.
On the flip side, reassess your expectations too.
My almost 22yo stayed home for uni. From when she started uni onwards it was expected that she clean up after herself, cook and prepare her meals, and do her own washing as she would have if she moved out.
We didn't give her any money but paid her petrol (uni was a way away) and didn't ask for housekeeping.
Over time, she's gradually bought more of her own food (I provide the staples: pasta, bread, milk, toilet roll, washing up liquid etc).
She doesn't have a curfew and isn't limited to who visits and when but BECAUSE WE ALL LIVE TOGETHER we expect her to quieten down once we go to bed on work nights and also, out if respect, to tell us when she'll be home, just as we tell her when we'll be home.
Over the summer her friend came to live with us, also almost 22. She had the same rules with the exception of not telling us what time she'd be home, and she bought her own food. She paid a small rent to cover her bills.
I love having young people around and feel we've got the balance right. We are now more housemate than parents but it works.

All sounds familiar yes!! Today he has actually been looking at different paths and is very engaged, he doesn’t have “attitude” more a silent disregard on occasion, he never chats back or causes arguments it’s very hard to explain, his meds have been tweaked but I will mention that to him, he is job searching all the time, again I may have painted him as a different person but these posts are short so needed to get to the point, I totally know it’s a blip and last night was a particularly bad night, it comes around every few wks, feeling like he is blaming us etc, I totally understand his predicament and we have planned a family meeting in a few days we will sit down and talk about expectations from
all parties, thanks for replying with information and empathy rather than the drivel some have spouted, they seem to look for an argument but either way much appreciated, thank you

Plenty!!

No you haven’t got it “straight” I pay for medication for a medical condition! But thank you for sparing the time to reply

totally know it’s a blip and last night was a particularly bad night, it comes around every few wks

It was a full moon, it's not just girls affected by the moon :)

Again your angry tone suggests you want blood so I will refrain in giving you further ammunition, thank you so much for your time xx

Aw many of these things sound familiar, it’s good to know that it will end one day, living in the now it sometimes seems it wil go on forever, he is never rude or angry just a bit blaaaaaaa I totally get having to live at home again I would rather chew my own arm off than go to live at my mums haha but we are going to have a fam meet and get things out into the open, that way we can all air our issues and work toward sorting it all out
thank you for you lovely response

This !!!!!!
Talk to him as an adult . If he is rude I’d explain that rudeness isn’t tolerated and he will be asked to leave if it continues.
Help him to help himself .

@JenW84391 I think work needs to be a priority. What was his degree subject? How will he get to a job? What would a career path look like?

I’d make a plan and try to see how he can get a job, because no job will always cause you, and him, problems. What did he do about working at university or in his holidays? Has he applied for relevant jobs? What is his cv like? Has he ever worked or volunteered? Working out how he can grow up and pay his way is vital.

During uni he was a manager at Tesco, his CV is great, literally no jobs even reply to him, the driving is ongoing and he and we are doing all we can to get him on his feet etc, it’s a tough time for all

I wish people would read the OP's updates.

@JenW84391 was his degree allied to Tesco then? What was the degree? Is Tesco not hiring anywhere else? Where are his friends working? Could he not have kept the manager job in his university city? Then apply for better jobs with them? Why is he home if he had a manager job?

He's about to start his masters next month

Is his Masters remote or will you be rid of him soon anyway if he is back to university?

@RampantIvy I did read them! What’s your issue? The ops issue is dc doesn’t have a job. That would be going quite a long way to resolve these issues. He needs a life outside home and even extending his part time work to full time would help. My point was that as a manager in his university city, there were options to stay there. It seems a bit ? going home not being able to drive and not totally engaging with home life. Obviously after 4 years away it’s not surprising. We still don’t know what the degree was do we?