DS back from 4 years at Uni - advice needed

[JenW84391]

My 22 yr old has returned from
Uni, we live pretty rurally and he does not drive so I am on hand whenever he needs to be anywhere etc, we feed him, keep him alive etc and financially support him around £200pm, anyway just lately he has become quietly horrible to me and my hubby, if we enter a room when he is in there it’s like we are in “his” home, I feel uncomfortable in my own home, this eve he came to speak to us to ask us to stop giving him any advice and to tell us his situation here at home is far from ideal! That going from his room into our “spare”room, now his office space is not fulfilling him, he has a little cleaning job which gives him some spends but feels it’s beneath him, he has become a real snob since uni, and I don’t recognise my own child, today I decided perhaps to suggest he move bk to his uni town and help him financially to set himself up?? (I haven’t spoken to him yet) He isn’t happy here and we are feeling really uncomfortable in our own space, it’s the exact path his elder brother took and I’m not sure I can go through those feelings again?? He has become an A**hole and I don’t know what to do??
pls don’t suggest kick him out etc it’s not helpful and it’s not something us as parents would choose to do, but we do need advice from anyone who has experienced this behaviour? To add, we have been very accepting of the behaviour during his settling back home period, understanding he has left his own space to go back home to Mummy & Daddy but he is becoming quietly cruel now ffs it’s so hard!! And so sad seeing my lovely child be one and ogre

“We” don’t need to know what the degree was in nor do “we” need to know the reasons why he left his uni city, I think you have given enough of your time to this feed now, so thank you so much

I dint get the issue tbh.
He starts his Master in October. That’s less than one month away.
So what’s the whole applying for jobs full time etc… if he is going away in a month?

This thread is bizarre - the substance seems totally different now from the original post. The OP has completely moved the goalposts and is then getting cross about it !

@MaturingCheeseball Yes! I’m not getting the gist of this at all. Op thinks I’m way off beam so obviously I’m butting out now. After the masters? Anyone’s guess!

Clearly just having a vent as her DC seems to rule the root while home but has realised that they will be back off to uni soon....

Didn't get the replies that suited..

Unless the OP is now happy to accept how they're treated or wants a repeat, while DC is at uni the OP will work out a way to prevent the same situation arising again when/if DC returns once the masters degree has finished.

Not getting cross hatched up with useless responses that are loaded with venom!

I have four kids, oldest two did not come to live back with me after uni, they got full-time jobs and rented elsewhere. Son hated the job with a passion but it motivated him to keep trying and eventually got a job in his field, took more than 12mths. Third one came home for 6mths worked in a job unrelated to what she trained for then secured a job in a nearish city and started the New Year renting there. Whilst at home she was frustrated but never difficult. My youngest has just been home for a year on a work placement, no problems at all, worked very long hours 7.30 to 6.30 if lucky, I made him a meal every evening and did his laundry so he could have time to go to the gym after work. He is messy but that's about it. He is back at Uni for final year and I am not sure what his plans are after that, he would like his own place but wants to buy so may come home for a year to save. He gives me £200 month and I have never given any of them money as I need all my money to live my basic life. I have always thought that adults who are not in a relationship should not live together as I can imagine it would cause friction. I am sure I drive my kids mad sometimes as I'm very scatty but they don't say anything, I suppose we are all quite chilled. I hope you can move forward and still have a reasonable relationship with you son.

I’m not excusing your Son’s behaviour, but I remember coming home after uni as one of the most miserable times of my life. Home was quite rural and I never managed to pass my driving test. My parents were quite controlling tbh and it was hard to get a job. After a couple of months I started some further training, then decided d some temp work. I couldn’t settle though and moved down to London after just over a year. That said my parents wouldn’t (quite rightly) have tolerated rudeness. Encouraging him to move somewhere more urban sounds like a good idea. Know it’s so much harder for young people these days. I graduated in 1996, so it was a very different world but it was still tough

My Dd is 21 but doing her uni placement and living at home. She learnt to drive herself with money from working while at uni. She drives to her placement every day. She's a new driver so it's scary! Mainly scary for me as she goes on the motorway. Anyway I think my point is if your Ds can learn to drive his options will increase massively as will his independence. My Dd has grown in confidence. I'm still terrified when she leaves for walk and so relieved to see her at work on snap maps!

The point about burnout if your DS is neurodiverse (page 7 by cautiouslurker01 is a good one. This cohort have gone straight into university at the end of the pandemic and basically had to carry on as if the pandemic had never happened. My DD still has health issues from long covid as well as being ND so it’s not really helpful to compare her with what, for example, I did, and that’s even before we get to the job market now.

But I also think if your DS is starting an MSc and is learning to drive, it is premature to worry about him finding a job. Maybe a part-time one in his university city (apologies I did not see if he was staying at home for his MSc) but it’s difficult to find a job for full time for three or four months and then part-time without him knowing the hours of his course. So in terms of his overall outlook, I don’t see a huge issue at this point. His behaviour and rudeness is another matter.

Maybe stating the obvious here, but I have told DD that I am happy to have her home. We have a shared calendar so I know what she is doing and when and vice versa. We do a meal plan for the week depending who is eating when, there are days where she is expected to help with the tidying and cleaning, I only do laundry which is in the main basket and not in hers, etc. I do ask her if she has a plan for the day when she is not working at her volunteer roles or some other thing, but I don’t ask what it is. She does have a checklist of what she wants to get through, so she is quite organised in that respect. She is also neurodiverse and has anxiety. I think the idea of seeing her year now as a kind of gap year is a good one, but in the OP’s case, it’s a few months between UG and postgrad so hopefully things will anyway improve with a study routine and DS having more time to plan next steps.

@RoverReturn

well parents should continue to go without luxuries! Eating beans on toast every day if needed, no buying new clothes, hair can be washed with washing up liquid etc, all ways of saving money for the children.

But uni finished months ago. Most graduates have been working at SOMETHING throughout tge summer

Why isn’t he utilizing his college degree? Sorry, but time to start “adulting”.

My youngest is 19 months and in that crazy toddler phase because she's got big feelings, big wants, but has no idea how to get them, how to express what she's feeling, etc. It sounds like you're going through the same thing, just with a bigger one.

He wants his own space, he wants to make his own decisions and be an independent adult, and he has no idea how to accomplish that. Just like my toddler, he's frustrated and acting out.

It's your decision how to handle it, but if it was me I would do a bigger version of what I do with my toddler. If she's rude and having tantrums, she goes to her crib/her own space until she calms down. If she can't share, I take whatever it is away.

Your son's version of that is if he can't share the shared space, he can set up in his room. If he's rude or sassing you, he has to find somewhere else to sleep for the night.

I would also sit him down and help him figure out how to get what he wants. Write down his big goals (own space, job, car, etc.), and then break those down into small goals that he can work on from week to week to accomplish the big ones. If he refuses, then he should find somewhere else to live. It sucks, but if he can't control himself at this stage in his life then he shouldn't be there.

Try to have a heart to heart with him and let him know how you feel. If you need to then try to get a family therapist involved for some family therapy. This is honestly the best I can think of because you specifically requested people to not throw him out.

If you DO give him advice, stop it. Learn to bite your tongue and say "that's nice dear" to any decision he makes. As to his complaints about your home, you don't have to kick him out. All you have to do is remind him that this is YOUR home, and if he's not pleased with it, you'll be sorry to see him go but you'll understand his decision, which will be his to make without any advice from you. Should he choose to stay, you'll agree to stop giving advice if he'll stop criticizing your home. Assertiveness isn't his problem; it's yours. People, including children, can only walk on you when you let them.

It'd sure be nice to know what that medication is for. That might explain a lot. Might it be the reason he doesn't drive?