DS back from 4 years at Uni - advice needed

[JenW84391]

My 22 yr old has returned from
Uni, we live pretty rurally and he does not drive so I am on hand whenever he needs to be anywhere etc, we feed him, keep him alive etc and financially support him around £200pm, anyway just lately he has become quietly horrible to me and my hubby, if we enter a room when he is in there it’s like we are in “his” home, I feel uncomfortable in my own home, this eve he came to speak to us to ask us to stop giving him any advice and to tell us his situation here at home is far from ideal! That going from his room into our “spare”room, now his office space is not fulfilling him, he has a little cleaning job which gives him some spends but feels it’s beneath him, he has become a real snob since uni, and I don’t recognise my own child, today I decided perhaps to suggest he move bk to his uni town and help him financially to set himself up?? (I haven’t spoken to him yet) He isn’t happy here and we are feeling really uncomfortable in our own space, it’s the exact path his elder brother took and I’m not sure I can go through those feelings again?? He has become an A**hole and I don’t know what to do??
pls don’t suggest kick him out etc it’s not helpful and it’s not something us as parents would choose to do, but we do need advice from anyone who has experienced this behaviour? To add, we have been very accepting of the behaviour during his settling back home period, understanding he has left his own space to go back home to Mummy & Daddy but he is becoming quietly cruel now ffs it’s so hard!! And so sad seeing my lovely child be one and ogre

Has he ever learned to stand on his own two feet or have you paid for his university life? Stop paying his way in life, he is a grown man. If his part time wage doesn’t cover his needs then he needs a full time job.

We live rurally and learning to drive is a necessity so it’s good he is doing that. It does sound like you re enabling this behaviour. I would wait u til he can drive and then tell him you re withdrawing financial support and he needs to get a job to pay for his medication and car expenses. Also explore shared care with GP so meds can eventually be on the NHS. It will make it a lot cheaper.

When my DS came home from uni, I made it clear that it was only a temporary thing. He was already very well trained in looking after himself and I really didn’t have to do anything for him but we both knew the arrangement was going to be short term.

He had a degree in biology but there weren’t any jobs going. He applied for absolutely everything and eventually got a job answering calls in a GP out of hours centre. He worked hard and progressed onto a training role. From there he got a job in the NHS as an IT trainer.

Anyway, as soon as he could afford to pay rent he got a flat share.

When they come back I think it’s essential to make it absolutely clear that the arrangements are short term.

Get him back to his uni town, pronto! Help set him up & leave him to it.

I had the same when mine returned, with the addition of my stupid DH who didn't want to be the baddie & pull them on their shabby behaviour. 🤨

Almost drove me insane, was like having 3 truculent teens in the house.
Damaged my marriage as well. I had more balls than all of them together & wasn't afraid to pull them up but God it was hard work with "D"H subtly undermining me.

Get tough @JenW84391

Grit your teeth. He's off again soon. He does need to keep up the driving pass his test so he has more freedom. He also needs to plan ahead work wise this year. He's in limbo just now.

I wouldn’t be going to him with the offer to set him up in his uni town. He’s an adult and not really that young a one if he’s done a 4 year uni course he’s supposedly smart as well.

sit him down and discuss that no one’s happy. Is he too self involved to have noticed it’s not just him suffering. Ask him what you can do to help him. Does he have a plan, does he want you to suggest things, does he want to brainstorm together. Help him adult his way out. Even if that include you lending / giving him money but empower him to come up with the way forward that he’s in charge of.

I lasted about four weeks before I moved out again. I didn't like what boomeranging was doing to my relationship with my parents.

Unless you do university as a mature student, you go to university pretty much as a child and emerge as new grown up. When you go home after uni... you act like a child and your parents treat you like one. Because that was the norm last time you lived together full-time.

Is his masters in something likely to lead to a job? Or is it just another way of deferring joining the real world?

A lot of graduates these days are shocked that they are unemployable when they have done naff all other than a degree. They don't realise that degrees aren't special. Plenty of people making hiring decisions have degrees and know how much effort they took. And those people managed to combine a degree with someone else, just as a part-time job somewhere terrible to make some money towards uni costs.

A graduate who has a degree and nothing else is not going to find a decent grad job, and shouldn't be shocked at that.

Hindsight doesn't solve anything, but it doesn't explain your DS's attitude. He thought he was going to walk into something shiny and the reality has been rather more grim. He's likely frustrated, disappointed, embarrassed... and he's living in a situation where he doesn't have control over his own movements (it's too rural for decent public transport), he's regressing to childhood (like I said, it happens when you move back in with your parents) and he's probably comparing him to people (some from his degree will have got the shiny job he thought was his).

I think the reason for the medication is important. You haven't have to tell us, OP, but I imagine the fact he needs expensive medication is another thing that is 'unfair' about his life and is adding to the despair. It may also inform the way he is able to cope (or not) with this situation. I think you should bear that in mind when considering the way forward.

Is there someone he could talk to about his work situation? His university will likely have a careers service available to graduates. What about a relative or family friend in the sort of area/level he'd like to be? Basically... is there someone who isn't one of you who can help? It's not a criticism of you - and I think once he moves out again, he'll be more receptive to your guidance. It's just at this point, I'm not sure he's going to be able to listen to you, no matter how good your advice is.

Did his elder brother eventually sort himself out? Is he in a position to talk to him?

I also really sympathise. People have a tendency to take things out on the people they love and trust the most, as they know no matter how hard they push, they're still going to be loved. It's really shit for you.

I have 2 young adult children. My dd had great help from her uni career service, my son not at all. Has he accessed career service at his Uni? What did they offer him? He is ztill eligible. Has he registered in the local Job Centre? They alo offer financial assistance, workshops, and give hand with job seeking.
Searching for work is a full time job, has he realised that?

@JenW84391 When dc2 came back home after uni, I had to accept that I had changed too. After years of living in a noisy bustling family home while dcs were growing up, I had, for 4 years, got used to the quiet, the peace, the tidiness... I knew what was in the fridge, how much milk was left, whether there were eggs.

dc returned home and reverted to being a child - not planning meals or shopping, expecting that their laundry would be in with ours. I once complained that they treated it like a hotel, and they said, "no, just like my home" (but the childhood home they hadn't lived in for 4 years). dc's friends would turn up and there would be music and noise and endless rounds of tea and toast (that they made themselves). I wsa supposed to facilitate in the background, as I had always done as Mum.

I was expected to be there and provide emotional support when it was asked for, to stay up late into the night listening to tales of woe (as I had done when dc were teenagers), and I was also expected to back right off when my input wasn't required.

None of dc's behaviour was particulalry bad or rude, but my life and my expections had changed over the time they'd been away, dc's expectations hadn't changed. I found it all very unsettling. Fortunatly dc got a job and moved away, and now working out of UK. Peace and order has returned to my home, and only gets disrupted for shorter holiday visits.

It is a normal part of growing up to come home now, I lived at home well into my 20s and paid my mum a very modest rent (£250pm) when I started work and was able to save a deposit to buy a house in London.

But I was grateful to my mum, not horrible to her or saw her as an interloper in her own home.

His attitude does need to change. Is he getting a loan whilst doing his Masters? That should allow him to pay for driving lessons etc.

It is tough especially as his friends might have either gone travelling or onto graduate schemes etc.

I would say tread gently it sounds like he might be depressed he will have gone from spending everyday with his mates and freedom to being very isolated.

If he's doing a masters I would encourage him to also start applying early for graduate schemes they typically close either before Xmas or not long after. He can also still use uni careers advice.

Get him to look into unpaid internships or volunteering for his field in order to show a bit of experience.
Unfortunately many people think do degree walk into job but it's definitely not like that and he might need sideways steps. It took me 3 years from graduating from my masters degree to get into a science role. But I worked then volunteered in my spare time.

Going back home from Uni is hard. both for the young adult and for the parents. My experience is that EVERYONE falls back into their role when the child was a teenager. And all the while the young adult is rebelling at having to fit in into their parents life ahd be treated like a teen rather than an adult.
Add the feeling that it’s not home (your ds mentions being in the spare bedroom, not his) etc….

Being somewhere quite rural too, my own feelings are:

• he needs to learn to drive. Being cinstantky dependent on you puts a lot of strain on both him and you.
• you need to step WAY BACK and treat him like an adult. No advice, telling what to do, correcting him etc…. And at the same time, the expectation to act like an adult (he handles his washing, cooks the evening meal 2 a week, do some of the housework etc….).
• unless you can really spare the cash, I wouldn’t offer to support him back in his Uni town. That would be a lot of money and you have no idea how long it will take for him to get a job. Plus it will very easily sound like you dint want him at home. I mean it’s only been 3 months!! And he will have stayed at home in the summer tge years before so too much of an issue??
• I WOULD have a chat with him. NOT in a parent mode. But you want to be curious about he feels about no job, getting refusal again and again, loss of indeoendence etc… it’s not an easy time for anyone. Ask him what his hopes are. How he wants to get there etc….
• let’s be honest there too. Doing a master degree and ending up,with a cleaning job IS a huge disappointment. Both for the use of his skills, wage wise etc… He is allowed to be disappointed..
• But what shouodnt happen is him using you as an emotional punching bag.

Lastly, can you expand on what’s Gping on that makes you feel like a stranger on your own home?? I feel that Deoending on his behaviour there, advice will need to be tweaked iyswim

You don't have to keep giving him money but you say it's for medication you feel is essential for him, so it's not like he's pissing it up the wall.

this eve he came to speak to us to ask us to stop giving him any advice and to tell us his situation here at home is far from ideal! That going from his room into our “spare”room, now his office space is not fulfilling him, he has a little cleaning job which gives him some spends but feels it’s beneath him

I actually don't think this, on its own, sounds unreasonable of him. You're giving him money which he should be more grateful for, definitely. But it is hard to return from four years of being an independent adult, doing something you love and having normal adult freedoms and being surrounded by your mates, to living with your middle-aged parents, applying for jobs that you don't get because it's super competitive, and doing a cleaning job when the whole point of getting a degree is to avoid doing that kind of job. I did bar work after I graduated from university and while I wasn't a snob about it (and I continued to do it for extra money even after I got a job in my chosen field) I absolutely did find it depressing when I was washing out filthy ashtrays (showing my age there) and thinking 'What the fuck was the point of spending three years on that degree just to serve shit drinks to rude idiots, mop up spilled lager and go home stinking of sour beer and fags every night?'

Sometimes unsolicited 'advice' is annoying and unhelpful. I definitely also remember getting very well-meaning advice from people when I was looking for work after graduation that wasn't at all helpful or was so blindingly obvious that I'd already done it months ago. This particularly applies if you're not massively well-versed in the type of career your son wants to work in.

I'm not sure I really understand why you feel the presence of your son in your home makes you feel awkward, or what he is doing that makes him 'cruel', as you haven't really given any examples of that kind of behaviour in your posts. To be honest, to me it just sounds like he's feeling miserable, lonely and trapped and you are feeling the strain (understandably) of having a miserable, lonely and trapped adult living in your home.

Ok. Well, ds is at home this summer after uni but he has worked full time since he got back. We don’t see a lot of him but he is never rude, does his own laundry etc. I told him I wasn’t going to cook for him ( long history of him not saying if he’ll be in, then either cooking for him and it going to waste or not cooking and him turning up wanting dinner) but would buy food he requested as he is commuting a long way - he hasn’t asked for anything in fact.

Tbh I think it is extremely dangerous for a young adult not to be working full time very soon after their training or education finishes. If he can clean, he can get more cleaning jobs, or gardening work locally. And pull him up if he’s being rude, that’s not ok.

It actually is relevant. Your OP makes no reference to disability or neurodivergence, and it absolutely is relevant to what the best course of action for you is. “Giving him £200/month” is an entirely different thing to “paying for his medication”

I could give you advice based on my experience but it would be entirely irrelevant. Asking why he isn’t driving is a valid question, and would shape a response. For example, the very first thing to be done according to the information in your OP is getting him a driving licence. That’s apparently utterly useless information to you because you seem to suggest he is unable to do so.

The best advice would be to stop pandering to him and tell him straight what you are prepared to do and what you aren’t, and if he doesn’t like it he can leave. Or, just suck it up and know that he’ll eventually do whatever it is your other son did.

Living rurally at that age can be very isolating if you want to live in a city. I didn't learn to drive until I was older because I couldn't afford it, my parents expected me to go back every summer and after I graduated but I just didn't want to do it. the only summer I stayed at home it was soul destroying, boring, the only job I could get was personal care and I missed my friends and boyfriend.

It sounds like he's doing everything he can to get out of there too.

Is he living away from home with his MSc? October isn't too far away. If he signs up to UC he will have some income, and possibly move out a few weeks early to find work; I used to go around recruitment agencies looking for office temping. Universities themselves sometimes offer part time jobs.

Also there are some localised grant schemes that offer funding for postgrads, I'd see if there is anything like that in your local area.

What medication costs £200?

You should keep giving him money and driving him around. You are his parent, he didn’t ask to be born. Hth. @JenW84391

I'm expecting this next year - though we don't drive.

Hopefully she'll be in a better mood - but think we'll put her in larger bed room and tell her to get something set up like futher qualifications or work. So in that respect he has a job and he has a master plan - so it's more addressing how he speaks to you.

I was taken aback when my parents refused to have me live at home during my masters - so took on more debt - `they were rural and they'd not have had now DH visiting - and I enjoyed living in city and got well paid graduate job was paid it dbet early so overall right call.

Then there was a gap between first graduate job and end of course and they had me back but on the sofa - they helped me move down to new place and next one- so were supportive. My siblings left at 18 one stormed out to live in swat other left first uni and went to local one but moved in with bf. They seemed to have a real fear if we moved back in we'd never leave - only under extreme sufferance has one sibling been allowed back and for short periods.

Dh in an only and bf then - his parents did at one point when he was writing up PhD thesis get annoyed with him- he came to stop with me a few weeks and I can see why he annoyed the fuck out of me . His dad solved issue by getting him an eveining job in mates pub - DH hated it but did it till he started "proper" job and them beinga way a fair bit at weekends.

So there a common issue moving back home but I think longer term that support hugely impoved relationship with adult offspring.

As for setting him up in new uni town - I had to take on debt to do that and was under no illusions I needed a job and a place post masters - is that realsistic or will you end up in same place 12 months down the line?

What if the parent doesn't have the money to give. What about when he's 35. He didn't ask to be born right. His mum should provide for his every need until he's well into adulthood.

Adhd meds if the GP won’t accept shared care.

@ILoveWhales

you never stop being a parent. Luxuries can be done without to pay.

After being a busy busy student, it must be a bit of a shock to the system to be spending the summer rurally (dependent on parents as taxi drivers). Particularly if peers are mobile or city-based and have had great summers/exciting new jobs lined up I can see that somebody could enter a cycle of bored/resigned/ashamed/angry that they have let things slip. There is no excuse for lashing out at the parents, but it seems it is without consequence.

Freshers are beginning to head to their respective Unis; at best you have another 4 weeks in which you either doormat parent or you implement some changes. It sounds as if the chauffeuring is annoying so implement a plan to stop.

Book DS into his Theory test if he hasn’t done it (they are quite easy to find/swap). Insure one of your cars so he can drive it (we used Collingwood for short stints) and make him drive parents to/from wherever you need to go.

One of the most useful bits of driving DD(18) had was 4 hours driving across the country on unfamiliar roads (with swap-overs when we needed to do a motorway stretch-we did route plan). Driving lessons are so expensive, so give him some of the practical experience yourselves. Websites often publish old test routes for driving centres so we also made sure she had done a few of those (also some driving instructors have them on YouTube). Actually booking a test is a right pain but it is supposed to be getting easier. If that isn’t really practical until 2026 set a reminder as soon as the slots open for the summer recess.

I must admit, I am more of an “old style” parent. There is no harm in setting out some ground rules. As far as is possible you are trying to mould him into the adult that people are going to like and want to work with.

Good luck

But what if the parent literally doesn't have the money. I know mum's net is a different world where everybody has a six figure salary and ten cars. But not everybody does.

What if somebody actually doesn't have the money to support an adult?

Shockingly they manage to live like adults on the option of being supported, isn't there.

Parents are doing zero favors in molly coddling children until their well into their twenties and paying their way.

Is he moving out in October when he starts his Masters or is he planning to still stay with you? He sounds bitter about having to come back to live with you but being nasty to his parents isn't going to make him feel any better. You say your elder DC was similar, so maybe you need to do something different.

One of my DC took a year to get a job in their chosen field, after graduation. Didn't live with us all the time and didn't get any financial support (other than us covering their costs when in our home). I tried very hard not to offer advice, using "What do you think/how do you feel?" if they were talking about problems. I would probably have struggled with rudeness.