DS back from 4 years at Uni - advice needed

[JenW84391]

My 22 yr old has returned from
Uni, we live pretty rurally and he does not drive so I am on hand whenever he needs to be anywhere etc, we feed him, keep him alive etc and financially support him around £200pm, anyway just lately he has become quietly horrible to me and my hubby, if we enter a room when he is in there it’s like we are in “his” home, I feel uncomfortable in my own home, this eve he came to speak to us to ask us to stop giving him any advice and to tell us his situation here at home is far from ideal! That going from his room into our “spare”room, now his office space is not fulfilling him, he has a little cleaning job which gives him some spends but feels it’s beneath him, he has become a real snob since uni, and I don’t recognise my own child, today I decided perhaps to suggest he move bk to his uni town and help him financially to set himself up?? (I haven’t spoken to him yet) He isn’t happy here and we are feeling really uncomfortable in our own space, it’s the exact path his elder brother took and I’m not sure I can go through those feelings again?? He has become an A**hole and I don’t know what to do??
pls don’t suggest kick him out etc it’s not helpful and it’s not something us as parents would choose to do, but we do need advice from anyone who has experienced this behaviour? To add, we have been very accepting of the behaviour during his settling back home period, understanding he has left his own space to go back home to Mummy & Daddy but he is becoming quietly cruel now ffs it’s so hard!! And so sad seeing my lovely child be one and ogre

There’s no £11 option for his meds or we would be doing that, he is trying to secure shared care atm

I think it's perfectly reasonable to continue financial support for a DC until they find their feet, son hasn't actually finished higher education if he's starting a masters next month.
Both of mine came home for a while after graduation. One for almost a year until he got a grad scheme during COVID. We gave them an allowance on top of any part time earnings. We did our best to give them private space, turned a spare room into a sitting room/ study for them. Appreciate not everyone has the space. DS could drive but we still did some lifts.
We also had a discussion at the beginning of what was expected, how we could all compromise and try to adjust to a change from child to adult sharing a house. We also pledged to discuss anything that was annoying us before it escalated.

I think the money, the living rurally are all irrelevant to his behaviour. He is being unkind to his parents and that's awful.

If he graduated from a russel group uni, he can go do tefl teaching in China or something. The environment for graduates is horrible in the UK. Send him to the englishfirst website and be excited for him etc…. He needs a few life lessons which he won’t be learning with living with his mummy and daddy.

At last a humane response! There are some incredibly harsh replies on here. However obnoxious this young man is being, and I'm not OK with that, there may be underlying causes, including mild depression. I know from my and other people's experience that coming back home after university is very hard on everyone.

What was his degree subject, OP? I assume it's an area which is harder to find work in?

I'm sorry - I haven't read the full thread, but if there's no medical reason why he shouldn't learn to drive I think that's a priority both for your sake and his employment prospects.

The waiting lists for ADHD diagnosis run to up to 5 years in some areas. People often make the decision to go private for diagnosis. It then takes several months for the diagnosis to transfer over to the NHS and up to then any medications have to be paid for out of pocket.

Why won’t he get a full time job?
my dd graduated this year - stayed in her uni city and got a customer facing role and is trying to build up her grad career (creative type).
We will go halves on certain spends ie, train ticket home but we don’t pay her rent.

to add - she is also neurodiverse, has anxiety and is on antidepressants just in case you thought she was NT.

OK has updated that he is starting a masters next month.

@JenW84391 I've been where you are! My middle child went to uni in London then worked for a couple of years (earned enough to live on but not to 'live' on in London iyswim) so he handed in his notice and went to do a masters degree which he self funded then came back home whilst job hunting and it was hard. He was used to being in his own space, his own kitchen, food etc and here was mum telling/asking him to be considerate and clean up after himself and do household chores while she was at work, all the while feeling a huge failure because he's fallen for the hype and thought if he got a degree then a masters he would easily get a job.

I found that leaving a list of jobs which needed to be done each day was helpful - mostly they would be done, and most days I would come home to a cooked meal (except for Fridays which were home made pizza nights and I was better at kneading dough apparently !) . But pointing out how much extra he was costing me only fuelled his feelings of failure so watch out for that!

DD finished her first degree a couple of years ago and had to find a job for 12 months to tide her over so that she could fund her masters 12 months later.

It was hard for all of us adjusting to having 3 adults in the house, especially after we had got used to just being 2 and probably slipping into our own comfortable routine.

We didn't have meds to fund, but unmedicated ADHD brings its own challenges. We sat down and compromised. We would take DD to & from her sports club several times a week as she needed this for her MH, but we expected her schedule to suit us.

She got a job after a few months, so she contributed for her food and travel, but saved frantically to fund her masters.

If was undoubtedly a transition phase. We knew it was likely to be the last time she would have to slot in and live at home. We also knew how hard it was for her as well, because she had been living independently for 3 years. We muddled along.

Sit down and talk to your DS. Explain that you want him to feel he's at home again, but he's jo longer a teenager and you have moved on too. Hope it works out for you.

he came to speak to us to ask us to stop giving him any advice

Yes the first thing you do is go on the internet for advice - the irony...

He sounds spoilt - sounds like you spoil him.

Tell him he's an adult and if he's not happy to do something about it. It's what all adults do.

You are not responsible for him any longer. Stop enabling him.

He is old enough to understand that if he behaves as a dickhead he needs to move out.

I didn’t see that the medication was was ADHD. Mine was just a general response on prescriptions. Thanks for your input.

Don't give him money. You're making it too comfortable for him.

Helping him move back to his uni town sounds like a good idea if you can, but it would probably do him good if as part of that conversation you brought up the fact that he is acting like a brat and really hurting your feelings, with some concrete examples. If this is a fairly new behaviour then a gentle kick back into touch wouldn't do any harm.

It's fairly common for young people to revert to teenage behaviours when they return to the family home after university - I did it myself and can remember that at the time, it was only my own feelings and difficulties and anxieties, depression, panic about the future, fears etc that mattered and I didn't consider that my passive aggression and snippy behaviour was impacting anyone else, because the world revolved around me and nobody else was as deeply sensitive etc - am sure he will grow out of it eventually but it is making him very tedious and unpleasant company for you in the meantime! If my parents had said anything at the time, I would have been horrified because I didn't want to hurt their feelings, I just didn't think they had any because they weren't really people, they were my parents.

I think you need to sit him down and frame it around his comments that you appreciate he needs to be somewhere more lively but that as you are keeping him you don't appreciate his ungrateful attitude.

Tell him it is hurtful when many parents won't offer support after Uni to have him sniping at you.

Say that you understand it is a difficult transition but that he needs to find a better move for himself, shared house somewhere etc with good public transport.
He can work on getting a full time job in that town over the next few months and you will support him for the next 6 months say.

He needs a dose of reality and really paying his way. I worked full time after uni in a call centre, yes it was grim but there was no free ride, and as it happened it was good work/life experience.

Have only Read OPs posts - I am gleaning that DS is ADHD, possible with comorbid issues such as ASD etc? I am also gathering that he hasn’t learnt to drive because he isn’t ready/confident/found a teacher who can help him learn in the light of his ADHD. ADHD in and of itself doesn’t limit him, but it may seriously undermine confidence. I am ADHD and couldn’t find the focus until I have children. My DD is simply not ready (too distractible and anxious behind the wheel) so stopped lessons after 8hrs.

I am also wondering whether DS may be in that weird limbo post degree because he doesn't have a job (and perhaps most of his peers from college do?) I’d suggest he speaks to his GP to explore whether he may be tackling with autism burnout and/or depression after leaving uni. The GP can prescribe medication and/or refer for talking therapy. I did not get the sense from your OPs that he has friends locally - did he make friends at Uni? Can he go and visit them? Is he in touch with them now he is home (Discord seems to be the way my kids interact with friends. Is he on that?). It may be that he is missing the structure of university, the goals that arise from coursework and exams, and that he is also lonely without people his own age around him.

I’d try and find him an ADHD mentor - there are a few organisations that work with people on the spectrum/with NDs who help them get work experience, practice interview technique, write their CVs, and apply for FT jobs. There was one in Surrey where I live that worked with my DD on this - I’d contact the national autism society (if this is applicable to your DS) or ADHD equivalents to see if they can direct you to such a service in your area?

It may also be worthwhile contacting your GP and enquiring whether they would do ‘shared care’. Not all do, but ours does, so they happily prescribe my DD’s meds and so we’ve been able to buy an annual prepayment certificate. We were paying £90-120 pcm before this. You can also contact his private clinical provider and see if they have ADHD counsellors and mentors to help at this stage (my DD’s private clinical provider does).

I’d sit him down and explain that his behaviour is completely unacceptable and that while your house is his home, he is welcomed to live in it ONLY if he abides by agreed shared values and rules. You can compromise by agreeing that you will not enter his room, in exchange though he has to keep it clean. He is not earning, so clearly not paying rent - however, he will be entitled to UC whilst he is job seeking, so I’d contact citizens advice to get guidance on what he should be claiming. As he is not paying rent, you are entitled to insist that he contributes to the smooth running of the house - he should be doing his own washing/laundry for example. He can stick the vacuum over and prepare one family meal a week (and clean up the kitchen). This is all what he should have been doing at uni, and it prepares him for independence.

As the parent of two ASD/ADHD kids I know that the ‘tell him to move out’ strategy is pointless. We’ll never kick our kids out until we know they are working, settled and can take care of themselves, but I assume he largely did this at uni, so you can definitely insists he snaps out of his current behaviour.

That's just an example, there's probably many other conditions where people are forced to go private and then move to shared care with the GP.

That sounds really painful — like you’re walking on eggshells in your own home, while also doing a lot to support him. You’re right not to rush into extremes (like “kick him out”), but it does sound like you need both boundaries and a shift in expectations. A few things you might find helpful:

Boundaries are about what’s okay for you in your own home. For example: “We’re happy for you to live here, but we need respectful communication. If you’re rude or dismissive, we’ll leave the conversation until you’re calmer.”

Instead of letting resentment build, have a calm, matter-of-fact talk (not in the heat of conflict). Something like:

• “We understand you’re finding it frustrating being back here, and we know it’s not your ideal. We do want to support you. At the same time, this is our home too, and we need it to feel comfortable for us. Let’s agree together on how this can work.”
• This puts the “agreement” on the table, not just unspoken expectations. Sometimes writing it down helps.

Look after yourselves

It’s very easy for parents to slide into over-functioning (doing all the emotional and practical heavy lifting). Try not to “walk on eggshells” — that only trains him that sulkiness or cruelty works. You’re allowed to calmly call it out:

• “That felt hurtful. Can you say that differently?”
• “I’ll step away until we can talk respectfully.”

Hope there are a few ideas here you can use. You sound like a very caring parent who just needs a bit of understanding and guidance to get back on track.

How far is the nearest town
Can he bicycle or bus ?
What about a moped or electric cycle ?

What about applying for PIP ?

https://www.gov.uk/pip

Exactly this, kids are hard work always but never that hard that he wouldn’t have a home and people saying “kick em
out” are either cruel or haven’t experienced any bumps in the road??

Yes, we have discussed a moped

Also people who probably don’t even have kids.
I ignore posts that say these types of things. Unless they've committed a heinous crime or I was afraid of them, I couldn’t imagine issuing such threats.

We set guidelines and expectations for living at home, harder because dsd hadn’t lived with me full time before (long story but ultimately she moved in with her dad and me). These were non negotiable. Expectations were job searching every single day, I offered help and a sounding board with applications each afternoon when I got home (I’m part time at work). Evening meals unless out were eaten together, same food except veggie for my dd, the kids cleared the plates and loaded dishwasher. If the milk or bread ran low you went and fetched more (walking distance), you cleaned your own room and between them the upstairs bathroom and landing (we are on different floor). Hardly huge asks but they need boundaries

He clearly feels rubbish about himself and this is coming out as rudeness and resentment towards you.

Passing his driving test will help his self esteem and his opportunities. He must hate having to ask to go anywhere.

Also can he contribute to the household in some way other than financial? Weekday cooking or gardening?