DS back from 4 years at Uni - advice needed

[JenW84391]

My 22 yr old has returned from
Uni, we live pretty rurally and he does not drive so I am on hand whenever he needs to be anywhere etc, we feed him, keep him alive etc and financially support him around £200pm, anyway just lately he has become quietly horrible to me and my hubby, if we enter a room when he is in there it’s like we are in “his” home, I feel uncomfortable in my own home, this eve he came to speak to us to ask us to stop giving him any advice and to tell us his situation here at home is far from ideal! That going from his room into our “spare”room, now his office space is not fulfilling him, he has a little cleaning job which gives him some spends but feels it’s beneath him, he has become a real snob since uni, and I don’t recognise my own child, today I decided perhaps to suggest he move bk to his uni town and help him financially to set himself up?? (I haven’t spoken to him yet) He isn’t happy here and we are feeling really uncomfortable in our own space, it’s the exact path his elder brother took and I’m not sure I can go through those feelings again?? He has become an A**hole and I don’t know what to do??
pls don’t suggest kick him out etc it’s not helpful and it’s not something us as parents would choose to do, but we do need advice from anyone who has experienced this behaviour? To add, we have been very accepting of the behaviour during his settling back home period, understanding he has left his own space to go back home to Mummy & Daddy but he is becoming quietly cruel now ffs it’s so hard!! And so sad seeing my lovely child be one and ogre

When I left university - quite a while ago - i moved home and worked in a supermarket for a few months and saved very hard, then went to Australia on a young persons work visa, and spent a year there, doing waitressing and bar work. Other friends did courses in teaching English as a foreign language and went all over, including Spain, Dubai and Japan.

We all grew up a bit, and

It's incredibly hard to go back to living at home after the independence of university, but he's being a brat. He needs a plan, and if he can't get a job in the UK, he needs to spread his net. It's a fantastic age to go travelling and stands in good stead for future jobs.

When I came back I got a management trainee job in a supermarket - it wasn't my dream job, but a decent job, and after a year of temp jobs, I appreciated a solid job, with decent prospects.

OP, this is hard. Assuming your DS has ADHD (which I have assumed from what you say about meds) that is an important piece of this here too. I would suggest that his poor treatment of you is an outward reflection of some tough stuff going on inside him, too. Growing up is hard. I like a PPs suggestion of writing to him though -- especially if he has processing issues it will give him a bit of time. Good luck.

DD same. Back home and yes, we are supporting her. I don't think she can sign in or get anything, because shd has savings.

She is not rude or obnoxious though. She is helping out, and cooks regularly. Tbh we are treating this year as a kind of gap year. She was COVID affected, she does drive thank goodness, but it was a hard slog. She doesn't have much work experience. She is doing some travelling as met lots of people from different countries whilst at uni. She didn't get a offer for a PhD, so her plans went up in smoke.

So, we are giving her some slack, but will expect her to pick up some part time work here and there, hopefully soon, and then decide what she wants to do now.

Not getting what you want doesn't mean he has the right to treat people like crap. When I left university 25 years ago, most of us didn't get well paid jobs. My friend worked at specsavers and I went to an agency. So I don't understand graduates belief that they'll automatically land a well paid job straight away?! Most of us joined a company at the bottom and worked our way up, learning additional qualifications. The only graduates I know who landed well paid jobs were the ones who did degrees specific to the job they wanted e.g. doctor, dentist, accountant etc.

Seen updates now

It sounds like he is struggling and verging on becoming depressed. If toubare rural and he is stuck at home just aplying for jobs and cleaning partbtime after all the excitment of university life and the hustle and bustle of a town and other young people. I would definitelg be suggesting him moving somewhere more vibrant with more opportunity for work and networking. Potentially doing work experience or a low paid admin role in the field he is interested in while you support him, if he is having no luck with grad roles and if you can afford it. Grad roles have so much competition and from overseas students too for the best roles so he is going to have to think outside the box and get a foot in the door somehow. If applying from his bedroom hasnt cut it by now then hes going to have to think outside the box of how hes going to get into a job.

If you won't answer questions, people can't help

This is going to sound extremely harsh, but this is the kind of shock he needs.

He is in no position to look down on anything or anyone when he's living rent, free at his parents and being given pocket money in lifts everywhere.

If you want to be treated like an adult, he should act like one.

His university degree has hardly allowed him to set the world on fire. He has no job prospects.Why wasn't he looking whilst he was at uni and planning what he wanted to do.

I would cut off his allowance, cut off the lifts and leave him to it. That is called being an adult.

Which is all you had to say

You have to understand that if you post on a forum, people will have questions so that maybe they can offer help

Why isn't he on UC? Why are you feeding him? Why aren't you asking for board? Does he clean the house, do own laundry etc? Stop driving him around. You could buy him driving lessons for bday/Xmas?

You don't need to physically boot him out onto the streets but you can stop treating him like a child. He clearly thinks he's fully grown up so he needs to start behaving like a responsible adult.

That means paying your own way. And treating the house with respect.

If she has a PhD proposal then she can approach relevant departments to look for supervision and support with an application for funding.
These days she is likely to need an MSc with research training, although some funding bodies will add six months to do the training.
But if she is committed to doing a PhD, there are routes available. I personally would not recommend to self-fund though, because the academic job market is tough and a PhD is no guarantee of a better job. Being able to get funding is a good indicator of the quality of the proposal and student, so looking for that would be a good first step if that is what your Dd wants to do.
But yes, a kind of gap year is a good way of thinking about it, that is what I am doing with DD as long as she is keeping a sense of direction and plans.

I hasten to add my advice would have been completely different if he wasn't so obnoxious.

I would look at intensive driving lessons to get that sorted. I’d also suggest volunteering somewhere to give him purpose while he looks for work.

I graduated on 2009 and it was a huge shock to find out that I wasn't going to walk into a decent job. However, I wasn't proud or snobbish and had worked in some sort of minimum wage job from the age of 14, so eventually I found a job in a supermarket on the checkouts. I did move back to my Uni town as living with parents again was too stressful and our lives were too different by then. They drew a hard boundary and said if I didn't live with them I got nothing.

I remember being really, really poor and having nothing apart from food- and the most basic food at that. I mostly lived off pasta and veg. I didn't know about benefits so I struggled to pay everything myself. I didn't have many warm clothes to wear and had to limit how often I went to the launderette, so I was always cold and wet and we couldn't afford heating.

Unfortunately, the job market is almost as bad as it was then and the cost of living is much higher.

Reality is brutal and you can't soften it for your kids.

I do know that I'd never do what my parents did. I couldn't see my child 7 st wet through trying to eke out a bag of pasta with a few questionable mushrooms and a tin of tomatoes and shivering.

In the end I moved to Spain for a few years, got a job in Gibraltar and had a great early 20s riding out the recession there. Sadly not an option since Brexit.

(PS I meant questionable as in past their sell by date...although picking mushrooms is free and alcohol is expensive, fyi. 😂)

My normally very lovely son also became quite tetchy with me when he came back home to live after uni. It would upset me but he did apologise and say he was yearning to have the same independence he had at uni and was desperate to move out (not because home life was awful, it wasn’t, it was just he’d outgrown it. He worked really hard to get a job and he is now very happy, back to his lovely self and living with his gf.

Your son needs to prioritise getting a full time job and then go into a flat share. He’s outgrown living at home so must find the means to set up independently.

(I would never throw my kids out at any age unless they did something that was objectively unforgivable. Far too much, I’d throw my child out on to the streets, on MN).

The reason people are asking about driving is because if he gets a job can he get to it himself? Rural area public transport is often dire. It is relevant and instead of saying he is taking driving lessons you went with that is a question and not an experience.

Would it be better if he were looking further afield where he could work but also live? He has lived out for 4 years.

As to my own experience. Ds graduated last year and came home which was all discussed before he went to uni but has a graduate job with graduate pay. We live in a city so lots of job opportunities. He doesn't pay any rent to us but is saving like a demon for a house deposit, has a LISA and ISAs. He does his own laundry, cooks family meals, unpacks the dishwasher, puts bins out. He says he is grateful for a dishwasher and a free washing machine and not having to plan every meal himself. He also drives to the shops to get things, will fill my car with petrol when he has borrowed it and picks up meds for Dh.

We are aware that he has been away at uni and it is hard to adjust. Dh and I also returned home after uni for a short while before jobs started. It is hard to have had your own space and then share it again. Our house is big enough that the children have their own bedrooms plus an extra room each I suppose you could call them gaming rooms and so they can be separate to us in the lounge and to each other. We do watch TV together and eat both lunch and dinners together unless one of the children is out. Our younger child is at uni but home for summer.

I think I would try to help him find work but you need to talk to him about whether he wants to remain at home or would prefer to move back to his uni city or somewhere else.

I think your son needs to grow up and appreciate that you are being very kind to him and trying to help him. I think you need to appreciate how hard things are for young people in terms of getting a good job and becoming independent. I moved home to a rural area after uni and it was miserable not being near to my friends. In the 1990s there were lots of jobs and opportunities which do not exist now unfortunately.

What is the Masters degree he is taking. I’m not against education I worked in it for decades but will it assist in finding work.

I think paying for his driving lessons and the meds if really needed and I assume they are from a Private GP is ok but I would not be handing him the money unless he behaved better. It’s unclear if you have actually discussed any of this with him, I would call out my DS at the first instance.

This is my fear for DS after Uni!
I'm sorry it's happening to you.

What are his plans, is he looking for a 'proper' job? Whether or not he is would make a big difference to my approach.

If he is trying really hard to get himself on his way, I would try really hard to be patient and supportive.
If he is drifting and not sure, I would encourage him to return to his Uni city and get a NMW job there. Much easier to take this route if so, much harder if they were in London or somewhere very £££.

I would just talk to him like and adult, calmly and truthfully.

Acknowledge that being back at home is not ideal for anyone, but thinking that certain jobs are beneath you at this point in your life might be contributing to the fact he hasn't got a different job. He could get more cleaning work, whilst still looking at other employment options.

That you are his parents and want to continue to love and support him going forward but if he thinks he can treat you like some inconvenience in the house then he has to have a rethink.

Right now he is technically a grown adult, but you are funding his medication and his attitude to what he thinks he should and shouldn't be paid for is not helping.

Just be honest basically, if he wants to be treated as an adult back in the family home then he needs to start acting like one, be involved in house tasks, be appreciative of lifts, money, support, stop acting like some prince who thinks he deserves whatever he thinks he deserves.

Does he help out at home? Take the recycling out? Cook ever? Tidy kitchen, sweep floors, clean the windows? Mow the lawn? Whatever needs doing.

At the moment for better or for worse he is back, as an adult, part of this household. He needs to start being part of the household. It might actually help his attitude and keep him occupied a bit.

But do it calmly and ask him what he thinks the solutions are to this situation.

It’s a very tricky time when adult children return home from uni. I tried ( didn’t always succeed) to speak to mine as though they were friends. So no saying you need a haircut, you need to get out and exercise more etc. This might at least help with his request for you not to give him advice.

OP, my situation isn't quite the same, but I do have empathy with needing to drive an adult child around when you live rurally.
Him learning to drive (funded by me) and getting a car (funded by him) has been an absolute game changer. Not just the logistics, but the feeling in the house that he is not reliant on me - a subtle but very positive change in atmosphere.

I’m not excusing his bad behaviour, but it’s much harder for graduates to make their own way now. He’s been relatively independent in terms of living situation for the past few years and now is back at home, living with parents again. It must feel like big step backwards.

He does need to reassess his situation though. It’s not acceptable to take advantage of your home and money and treat you badly. A stern discussion is required as to your expectations as well as his. He’s probably feeling down and a bit terrified about where he goes from here, but that’s no excuse for being an arse.

My father and mother would have torn a strip off me if I had behaved like that. You both need to step up and stop pussyfooting around him to keep the peace. If he is adult enough to get a degree, he is adult enough to respect his parents, his home and to step up to being what an adult should be. How does he behave towards siblings, family, mates, and girlfriends. This is unacceptable, even in today's 'let's tolerate whatever cr*p is thrown at us because we are told to be tolerant.