DS back from 4 years at Uni - advice needed

[JenW84391]

My 22 yr old has returned from
Uni, we live pretty rurally and he does not drive so I am on hand whenever he needs to be anywhere etc, we feed him, keep him alive etc and financially support him around £200pm, anyway just lately he has become quietly horrible to me and my hubby, if we enter a room when he is in there it’s like we are in “his” home, I feel uncomfortable in my own home, this eve he came to speak to us to ask us to stop giving him any advice and to tell us his situation here at home is far from ideal! That going from his room into our “spare”room, now his office space is not fulfilling him, he has a little cleaning job which gives him some spends but feels it’s beneath him, he has become a real snob since uni, and I don’t recognise my own child, today I decided perhaps to suggest he move bk to his uni town and help him financially to set himself up?? (I haven’t spoken to him yet) He isn’t happy here and we are feeling really uncomfortable in our own space, it’s the exact path his elder brother took and I’m not sure I can go through those feelings again?? He has become an A**hole and I don’t know what to do??
pls don’t suggest kick him out etc it’s not helpful and it’s not something us as parents would choose to do, but we do need advice from anyone who has experienced this behaviour? To add, we have been very accepting of the behaviour during his settling back home period, understanding he has left his own space to go back home to Mummy & Daddy but he is becoming quietly cruel now ffs it’s so hard!! And so sad seeing my lovely child be one and ogre

Thank you for understanding my predicament these are the things I am going to discuss with him and DH tomorrow, he is trying and he is a wonderful human being but atm he isn’t being kind to us and I suspect to himself either, as you say it’s so difficult out there to get a job, we plan to chat tomo, thanks again for offering a supportive response

Have a frank discussion that you've given him the benefit of the doubt until now but that you have both had enough with his attitude. Discuss expectations and boundaries. After that pull him up every time he makes you feel uncomfortable like you described.

I think some people revert to their teenage selves when they return home and it's incongruent with adulthood, thus causing friction.

Why hasn’t he learnt to drive?

This is a question rather than offering advice on your own experiences? But thank you for commenting

Why do you think he's turned so nasty towards you? Is it just to you or to both you and DH?
He needs to be made aware of the effect he's having on you.
I know my DD had a difficult month or so settling in back home. She didn't want to speak to us a lot of the time, and we felt like we were in her way. We just let her get on with it, gave her the space she asked for and got on with our day to say lives. It was like living in the house with a lodger, which was exactly what she wanted.

You need dinner boundaries, it's all well and good wanting to behave like a lodger but lodgers don't have their mother on standby for lifts. Plus lodgers need to still be civil.

So I'd let him know you understand his need for space and you won't be crowding him or expecting him to participate in family meals etc you're happy to treat him like a lodger as you know he's loved independently for so long, in which case he's responsible for his own cooking, washing, chores etc

It’s hard.
DD returned from uni this summer. She is applying for an MSc in her chosen field and doing two different types of voluntary work to get experience whilst applying for jobs. But given that she is planning on being a full-time student again, it’s a bit difficult to know how to pitch it, ideally something that will tide her over and she can do flexible hours on next year is what she is looking for but no luck so far. She is courteous and asks for advice when she needs it, also will listen if I make suggestions (not necessarily taking them on board). She’s also taking steps to improve her confidence.

I think also because this cohort came though covid and then had to do the first year or two of uni hybrid, now the contracting job market, it does make it more difficult. But I would find the rudeness difficult to cope with and I think that is okay to say. I think the problem with the flat in a city plan, is that it needs to be a plan your DS buys into and where he won’t just be isolated - ie there needs to be a plan. it’s not a route I think would help DD.

You said he can’t drive so you are having to take him everywhere - so why can’t he drive?
Hes had 5 years to learn. Or does he have a medical issue which means he can’t - is he disabled etc? Because obviously depending on that there are different options to enable him to get around himself as an adult. He can’t expect his parents to do that for him when he’s 22. How is he expecting to get to work for example if he does get a job?

He’s an adult - time to stand on his own two feet and stop expecting mummy to play chauffeur and bank.

Again, a question which is not relevant and still no advice on your own experiences but as before, thank you for commenting

He’s a snob and yet lives at home, reliant on his parents? That’s quite amusing, op.

Thank you for the advice and insight, I do believe it’s a normal part of having to come home after being away for so long, we are going to follow his wishes and not offer advice etc and let him go his own way, he starts his Masters in oct so perhaps being busy again will help him, thank you again for replying and not judging or suggesting “kick him
out” or “do nothing for him” responses like yours are clearly thought out, educated and based on your own experiences which is what I asked for, I hope it all works out for your daughter

I would pay for driving lessons. It’s an important life skill and give him some focus.

I would gently explain to him that his moving back is an adjustment for everyone, he is welcome to stay, provided he chips in (if not financially, then practically). I’d also recognise that this is hard for him, cheerlead the positive actions he is taking and make him feel you’ve got his back. Caveat with respect is two way.

He is understandably depressed/embarassed/disappointed he hadnt been able ti get a graduate job and redirecting these feelings onto you as his 'safe' people. There's been a breakdown in the social contract.He got royally fucked over by the govt during covid, he has worked hard got his degree, applying for loads of jobs and nothing is cinung back. It is horrible for young people at the moment.

I was your son tbh. But I could drive and tbh if I could not have I would have literally lost the will to live. Unless there is a medical reason not to, he needs to learn how to drive as a priority.

My problem was that I had unresolved issues within the family and my self esteem was rock bottom despite having a good degree. I treated my mum terribly but actually I now realise after therapy etc that I was just a kid who was trying to function after a series of really difficult family events before I left.

In the end my mum moved house and there was no room for me! Brutal. But the best thing she could have done really. Without knowing any backstory, you can either allow him to stay in his nest of misery or you can tip him out of it and see if he flies; I think those are your options. Teaching him how to drive would really help him.

There may be good reasons why your son doesn't drive, but I can understand why the question was raised.

Having DGC in a rural location, 17th birthday presents have been driving lessons. Parents' choice to live where they do, so helping the DGC to travel independently they felt was important.

With the driving - some of us just failed to pass as soon as might habe been preferable, however much we tried. And that's back when it was easy to book tests more or less when you wanted.

I'm not saying it's the case here, but we don't know.

However,the fact he's going back to uni in October for a masters makes a huge difference - if that's the case, you basically have to grin and bear it till then. Maybe have a eord with him about his attitude.

The way the OP was set out was like he'd graduated with no plans for anything. He should be applying for jobs while doing his masters (which is hard; I found my MSc much more full-on than my first degree, but it meant i had a job to go to a couple of weeks after it finished,) and building a plan for when he graduates from that (presumably next year.)

For your reference we didn’t always rurally and he is learning to drive

I did live rurally, and had lessons for my 17th birthday. I just failed to pass (more than once) until I had left home.

This is such a good, fair post.

It's not his fault that CoL is sky high, that jobs are scarce, that driving schools were closed at around the time he would have learned and now have a huge backlog. Or that he has ADHD and too many GPs are resistant to recognising diagnoses, so he is stuck with private medical costs. He can't control any of this.

But he can control is attitude. And he can step up and be an appreciative adult - cooking, cleaning, talking with respectful, friendly tone.

I find I’m the last person my kids will take advice from. Is there an older person in your family or friends that may talk to him and not necessarily offer advice but be a third party he could confide his feelings too?
A family friend was really struggling with her son. They lived abroad and he was just too comfortable bumming around, picking up casual work and smoking weed and not being helpful or respectful at home. No father. His mother asked my father to talk to him, which he did. I have no idea what was said between them, but it very much helped and to this day the family friend is grateful. Her son got his act together, and now runs his own business and has a family. He was a great help to us when my father had a stroke in that country.
So if there is anyone who may help him - maybe even his older brother who has been through similar?

My DD is in a similar situation.

i live fairly rurally.
she gets free nhs prescriptions due to an auto immune illness but has adhd. She’s in private prescriptions for that as while her university GP did shared care so she could get them in the nhs my local one won’t.

she’s failed her driving test four times - mixture of pain and fatigue due to the auto immune illness and adhd.

the graduate jobs market right now is a nightmare. She is trying but it’s so hard and obviously my DD is disabled as well (she uses a wheelchair due to the autoimmune disease).

she does her own thing laundry and we’ve got a rota going for evening meals (breakfast and lunch are get your own).

i am just trying to relax and stop worrying and leave her to it. The jobs market will pick up. She will get something. And in the meantime I am practising a zen-like calm.

This 👆 because spoiling him is what's making him an arsehole.

@JenW84391get him to pay for a years PPC so all his prescriptions are paid for a year.

If hes going to do a Masters, can he go back to university now and find a room and a job? Or is he living with you through the Masters? In which case you need to make space for him, as a adult living with you. Increasingly friends are converting attics or getting garden rooms which allow their returning students more independent space.

If he’s receiving meds for ADHD, he probably has issues relating to executive function, and possibly quite anxious and taking it out on those closest to him, ie you.
Is he actually taking the meds regularly, and are they impacting him in terms of being able to progress things?
I think getting him apply for UC is a good idea, it means he won’t be so dependent on you, and they will help him focus on job seeking. Tell him you will cover driving lessons if he can get UC which will cover the costs of the meds- he needs to progress with something, and learning a new skill will help with that , as well as it being essential for his independence if he continues living rurally.