DS back from 4 years at Uni - advice needed

[JenW84391]

My 22 yr old has returned from
Uni, we live pretty rurally and he does not drive so I am on hand whenever he needs to be anywhere etc, we feed him, keep him alive etc and financially support him around £200pm, anyway just lately he has become quietly horrible to me and my hubby, if we enter a room when he is in there it’s like we are in “his” home, I feel uncomfortable in my own home, this eve he came to speak to us to ask us to stop giving him any advice and to tell us his situation here at home is far from ideal! That going from his room into our “spare”room, now his office space is not fulfilling him, he has a little cleaning job which gives him some spends but feels it’s beneath him, he has become a real snob since uni, and I don’t recognise my own child, today I decided perhaps to suggest he move bk to his uni town and help him financially to set himself up?? (I haven’t spoken to him yet) He isn’t happy here and we are feeling really uncomfortable in our own space, it’s the exact path his elder brother took and I’m not sure I can go through those feelings again?? He has become an A**hole and I don’t know what to do??
pls don’t suggest kick him out etc it’s not helpful and it’s not something us as parents would choose to do, but we do need advice from anyone who has experienced this behaviour? To add, we have been very accepting of the behaviour during his settling back home period, understanding he has left his own space to go back home to Mummy & Daddy but he is becoming quietly cruel now ffs it’s so hard!! And so sad seeing my lovely child be one and ogre

Could he learn to ride a 50cc scooter? There are schemes to help YP get to work etc.
He is probably depressed and angry and home is safe to vent.

My daughter moved back after uni and found a job. If she hadn’t, she acknowledges that looking for one would’ve been her job. Along with having a plan for what to do. She had it easy as I cleaned her room and we cooked for her. I had a conversation with her that she was now an adult and we expected her to be respectful and pay a contribution to her living costs. I had to remind her of this a few times and that if living at home cramped her style, she could always find a flat share. I stopped doing her cleaning as I resented being her maid but told her she either needs to do it or pay for a cleaner. I won’t tolerate rudeness and Tbf, she isn’t-the first couple of times I didn’t like her attitude, I confronted it. She became much better. I think you need to set out what your expectations are-and make sure he understands his obligations in his family home. Tell him you all need to get along and make life as pleasant as possible/and if he can’t do that, maybe he should find somewhere that suits him better. Plenty of people work with ADHD-don’t let him use it as an excuse.

Exactly.

Just reading this thread made me frustrated.

Couldn't have paid me to come home and live with parents after independence of uni, but if I did I'd certainly not try to act like I owned the place. Problem is at uni you're not really 100% an adult on the way you live but also not 100% a kid living at home, so sounds like instead of taking the next step and supporting himself in the uni town he's devolved to come back home and it's hard to be in your childhood space but feeling like an adult.

His behaviour doesn't wash however, sooner rather than later he needs to set himself up, rural living and no car and a part time job isn't great for him. You're very generous suggesting helping set him up in his uni town, it's a great option .

Placemarking

I think the relationship needs to be reset on both sides. You give him privacy and don't go into his room, any more than you would in a flat share arrangement.

You might choose to give him lifts, but this has to be done with respect to you. That is, asking as he would a friend or other adult- giving notice, respecting your plans, and not acting as if he is 11 years old and expecting you to drop everything and take him somewhere or pick him up.

He should be looking for full time work and paying his way - not necessarily a market rent but covering your costs of having him at home. You may wish to waive this in lieu of him paying for his own driving lessons. He should also help with chores or at least be responsible for the state of his own room.

Whatever arrangement you make is up to you, but it has to be on the grounds of adults living together and something whereby you respect one another and he also allows himself to develop some self-respect.

Sounds like you and ds are quite similar, He's said stop giving him advice. You say you don't want advice either and are defensive about answering reasonable questions re driving and medication, which might help people understand the situation better. Not sure exactly why you posted, except to have people say poor you. So poor you. Hope that makes you feel better.

My kids all lived at home after uni for 6 months - a year. We charged them rent and they had to take responsibility for their share of cleaning and cooking. I think charging rent helps engender respect even if you help them out in other ways, personally…

No money.

Bicycle to get around.

Tough love OP

Firstly stop enabling his behaviour. He's behaving like a spoilt brat, because he is one! Why has he never taken driving lessons?! It's a life skill that adults need (unless there's a reason why he can't learn). Stop giving him £200 a month, and tell him that you'll contribute towards him learning to drive instead. If he wants spending money, then he needs to find a job with more hours. In an ideal world being a graduate means walking into a well paid job. However, the reality is not like that, especially at the moment where employers aren't taking on staff. My husband is in the IT industry, and says he sees it all the time, graduates expecting to walk into well paid, high flying careers, with no experience and unwilling to start at the bottom. If his general attitude at interviews is the one he's displaying at home, then he's going to have a bloody long wait to find a job. Any job at the moment is better than nothing. As for lifts, unless it's for a job interview, then stop them. If he wants a lift, he needs to start behaving like a 22 year old adult, not like an entitled teenager! It may be his family home, but he's not contributing financially, therefore he doesn't get to dictate to you on any level. Stand up for yourself, this is YOUR home, if he doesn't like it, then off he trots back to the town he went to university.

I wouldn't pay to set him up in his Uni town, time for him to stand on his own 2 feet.

It's very difficult to deal with nebulous 'making us feel unwelcome in our own home' behaviour. I'm blunt but kind with mine - "I can see you don't like this, but I'm going to sit in my own living room and watch the TV. I love you, but you don't get a say on this one."

Definitely cut off his spending money. A friend had a dc in the similar situation - tho didn't have a degree- and stopped giving cash. The dc thought it was terrible but did get a job .

It took that and the thought of not being able to go out at all, to get them motivated to apply.

He sounds very ungrateful and entitled to be honest. Don't set him up in his uni town if this means you will be paying his rent etc as that will make it even harder in the long term and also his nadty behaviour doesn't deserve that. He needs to claim UC and get applying for all the jobs he sees. Maybe helping him learn to drive would be practical and financial help you can give him which will also help him get a better job.

I hated moving home after uni, I graduated at the height of the financial crash so jobs were scarce I'd gone back to my old retail part time employer and was working there full time and a bar job in the evenings, I felt like I'd failed. All that study, the first in my family to go to university, so much expectation and back in my childhood bedroom. However I was not asking my parents for money they charged me hardly anything in keep - £50 a week, on the basis I was working and saving. I was so upset but I wasn't rude. I just kept applying and eventually got a better job, not in my field of study (account management rather than law!) but the wage was decent and I could work hard and earn commission. I saved up towards moving out was just about to do so and got made redundant after a company buy out. I could've screamed. Instead I went back into a retail job and got applying again, 2 years after I graduated I got a job in criminal justice, took a pay cut to do it wasn't my dream role but could see potential for progression, moved out 6 months later. I've been in the field for 16 years now have done professional qualifications another degree and a master's and am in a senior role, own my home etc etc .
I get what it's like to graduate and feel stuck and like you've failed, but he doesn't get to be rude, he needs to be an active part of the household. I used to do the food shop (with my dad's card!) and a lot of the cooking for everyone. I was grateful I had a roof over my head and a family who cared. You need to have a frank conversation with him that you get he might not be feeling brilliant about his situation but you all have to live together, he needs to contribute and stop being so miserable.

Is the AI really necessary?!

Not all long term medical conditions get free prescriptions. Inflammatory bowel disease which is incurable and lifelong is not covered.

OP my DC stayed in uni city in a shared flat and claimed universal credit. He has just got a job at last - not really his dream role but not pub/coffee shop work - he could make a career of it.

I don’t have any answers for you, just solidarity as we’re in a very similar situation with 22yo DS, also going through the ADHD diagnostic process, also applying unsuccessfully for jobs. He’s not being nasty to me, but he is demoralised and frustrated and upset because the message always seemed to be that you’d finish uni and find a job and now that doesn’t seem to be the case. And so many of the new grad jobs seem to have online AI based interviews as a first step, which really don’t favour the neurodiverse.

It’s so hard to know how to help them and what to say, how much pressure to put on when they’re already clearly feeling the pressure. Mine has decided to go back and do further study so will at least be doing something with his time, but I’m sure we’ll be facing this situation again at the end of that. Good luck to you and your son.

Sympathies OP as it is not easy having a young adult graduate move back home and as others have said the job market is brutal even if just looking for PT casual work.

We are in a similar situation with DS1 (also ADHD/ASD) home from uni post graduation - hasn't secured any kind of work yet though has tried and is learning to drive. He's going to take a post uni gap year, ideally pass his driving test, find some kind of work and then potentially return for a masters.

One thing I would also add when dealing with a young adult on the spectrum is that it seems even harder to try to get even a basic job, because you're competing with others who don't struggle as you do. DS for example has had several interviews but never gets the job, because he comes across as being quite awkward, as well as having limited work experience, and frankly if an employer can choose between smiley breezily confident YP with work experience or nervous socially awkward YP with little work experience who are they going to choose?

So I do sympathise with your DS and I suspect, like mine, he is struggling BUT that doesn't give him an excuse to treat you appallingly. My DS knows that we will continue to support and encourage him but that the deal is that he continues to apply for jobs and that he does his fair share of chores and treats everyone in the household with respect.

I agree with the £200 for driving lessons or taxis to a job if that's what it takes.

I think the poster is trying to get a grip of the situation to understand how to give advice- as you living rurally and him not driving is probably making the situation more untenable for all you. If it’s a medical condition that is different advice to can’t afford driving lessons.

It is always hard moving back home. I was working, but remember curling my lip at the sound of, “MaturingCheeseball! What are you doing?! Come and watch One Foot in the Grave!!” (Even worse, Waiting for God - aaaargh!)

I have had a few run-ins with dc back at home. Yes, I know how hard it is to get a job, yes I know you’ll be stuck here forever living in your bedroom like a weirdo - and on and on in this vein…

It's paying for medication - depending on what the medication is I'd say it may well be more important than driving lessons or taxis.

Plus he has a p/t job and is starting a masters in October - he also doing driving lessons.

None of this was clear in opening post - I'll grant you.

I suspect it's partly the DS being frustated and partly OP not used to having an adult child back.

I don't do their rooms now - even in GCSE and A-levels - and DD1 been good when back about doing her own clothes washing - she less good about washing up- so if she does come back I'm hoping we can find a way to tolerate each other with communication.