AIBU to wonder why people get so put off by negative people?

[BeGreenBear]

I’ve noticed something about myself recently and it’s making me a bit down. I tend to moan about my life — not in a huge dramatic way, but just commenting when I’m stressed, complaining about not having enough money, being tired, work being rubbish, etc. It’s not constant, but it does happen often.
Thing is, I’ve noticed people seem to avoid me when I’m in one of those moods. Friends don’t message as much, family change the subject, and I get the feeling I’m a bit of a “downer”. I don’t mean to be! I just feel like being honest about how I’m feeling.
Why is it that people are so put off by negativity? Surely if we can’t talk about our problems with friends/family, then what’s the point? Or is it that they just don’t want to be dragged down?
AIBU to think people should be able to handle a bit of moaning, or do I need to rein it in?

How do you think your Freind feels if they’d like to talk or offload something that’s happened to them, but all you to is moan about your own stuff? It’s incredibly selfish and self centred. That’s why people avoid you. HTH.

It’s not the British way 🤣 you’re supposed to make a joke about how crap everything is and move on. You’d do better in another culture. When I lived in Poland for a bit, if you asked someone how they were, you’d get a very honest answer as they thought you genuinely wanted to know about their mum’s bunions or the fact that they couldn’t find the right bread at the market or the cold they caught at Christmas and didn’t shake off until Easter and tell you about it at length.

It’s honestly draining and we don’t want to hear it.

Having a genuine problem and spending your whole life moaning isn’t the same thing. I’ve spent years listening to friends moan while making no change so now I call them out or change the subject.

I think life is tough right now and there aren't many ways out. We probably don't need more doom and gloom...

Also, try and see it like this - you are a Jedi and these are your tasks, how well will you do? Stop worrying about others and get on with being the best you can be. And try to manage your own mindset too by deliberately thinking of nicer things.

Well you’ve admitted yourself that you’re a moaner. I’m happy to listen to people have a bit of a moan every now and then, but it sounds like you’re doing it more than that. It’s draining. Everyone has problems, if everyone complained about them all the time no one would ever talk about anything else.

Most people are already carrying a lot and don’t have capacity for someone else’s emotional weight. Constant moaning can feel draining. I get that you want to be real in your conversations, but most people prefer to keep things light. It’s about timing, context, and knowing who’s actually up for it.

It drains the listener. If people avoid you when you do it, then it should tell you that you're doing it to often and need to stop.

My ex-DH was a negative person and it was utterly exhausting. No matter what was going on he would always find the negative in it and focus on that. Quite frankly life is too short to be around a moaning minnie.

I think if you’re moaning more often than not - and it seems that you are, given that your friends and family have got to the point where they are avoiding you - you need to reign it in.

People like you, who seem to find life in general to be hard work and talk about that a lot, really are draining to be around.

I can’t stand complaining. It’s so counterproductive and keeps people wallowing in despair and fear. Fake it til you make it and look for the positives.

It’s exhausting listening to someone moaning all the time. I work with someone like that, if the IT goes down it’s because she is in and of course it would happen to her, if she has a particular role allocated to her it’s not fair - even though it happens the same for everyone. She is definitely a glass half empty person. Always has a pissed off look on her face. If you ask how she is you get a long list of her work woes. I avoid her at times as it takes up so much of my time and it is just exhausting listening to the same whinge over and over again.

If the people who love you are backing off, you need to rein it in @BeGreenBear.

I think if people are avoiding you, it's more than just "a bit" of moaning. Endless negativity is draining and means that other people can't speak freely (either about good things or bad ones) because it sets the tone for the whole exchange.

No need to be dishonest about how you're feeling but you can be selective about what you choose to say and to whom. You might find that choosing to focus on some jollier things makes you feel jollier.

Misery only ever likes it’s own company.

Supporting someone in a crisis is good. Listening to non stop whinging is not. 🤷‍♀️

I’m really surprised that you need to ask OP! Are you so unaware of how draining it is to be around constantly negative people? It’s exhausting!

Try to be a little more self-aware!

If you moan to people sometimes & they moan to you in return, and you’re both equally supportive when the other’s doing the moaning, that’s fine.

If your friends are constantly having to listen to you moan that’s not fine. There are some people I avoid because I know they’re likely to go straight onto their hobby horses & I just don’t want to hear it. Not every time.

It's draining and affects my own MH if someone is like this all the time. It's also very boring and frustrating if people complain about the same thing all the time but won't take steps to help themselves. Obviously it's normal to have a moan at times and we all go through rough patches and that's fine, as it is if someone moans but is actively trying to revolves things as much as they can be expected too. But there's definitely a limit.

You need to rein it in if you don't want people to avoid you. As many others have said, most people have got enough on their plates themselves. Listening to someone else moan and spread negativity is really exhausting.

People obviously find you tiring. Which is tiresome in itself.

You might be underestimating how often you do this. You've recently become aware of it and it's good that you have self awareness now, but it might have been a lot of negativity in the past that you weren't so aware of that's led to this point.

Its okay to talk about your problems sometimes but thry can't be the only things people ever hear about - it's tiring and depressing for the listener. People who love you will try to help you with solutions to genuine issues but they can't reasonably listen to same old stuff on repeat indefinitely. Especially if they have comparable (or worse) problems themselves.

To be fair, we don’t actually know if moaning is « all OP does » - they just say they « tend to moan ».

So, first question for OP, do you intersperse your moaning with more scintillating and upbeat talk?

Second question, are you careful not to blâme, criticise or cast shadow on others while moaning? This bit is key.

For me, my tolerance levels depend on a) frequency of moaning (versus engaging with your interlocutor), and b) whether you (even if inadvertently) trash-talk other people. Cos that annoys me quite a lot!

It’s draining. You’re being a mood hoover. We all have shit going on.

Surely it's not that mysterious, OP? Listening to someone who is continually complaining about money and tiredness and work and stress is boring, especially if it's the same few topics coming up again and again, unchanged.

Are you doing anything active to change the situation? Eg if work is stressing you out, look for a new job, which might also help with finances.

Listening to someone who complains endlessly about her life while not lifting a finger to change the things that can be changed is like being on some kind of hellish conversational merrygoround.

What are you bringing to these friendships other than 'honesty' and moaning, OP? Obviously everyone has bad stuff going on at times -- one of my closest friends is dealing with her DH going through a particularly horrible cancer treatment. But that's not some kind of regular complaint.

Hmm.. I probably do it a bit. In the next paragraph "you" means "the moaners around me", not you personally

1)I don't know what to say if I don't have the same problem. Fifth repetition of "that must be tough" sounds dull, but what can I say. I don't want to apologize for having a good life.

2)if someone complains about some unimportant aspect of something I enjoy, I don't want to see it the same way, I prefer to be able to enjoy it. I'm curious what seems to be the problem, in case it would be something relevant (from my pov), but if it isn't a big deal, you make it hard to enjoy enjoying it.

3)I believe I'm good at crises/solving something I can solve, brainstorming a way out. However, majority of moaning isn't something I can solve for you, so it makes me feel kind of helpless.

I believe I do have some reflection, and of course my friends aren't there just to give me a set of problems which I could solve and feel good about it.

Maybe I'm just not good at shallow listening, listening without relating myself to what I'm hearing.

What reply would you like to hear from me when you need a good moan?

As others said- it’s very draining. Comparable to small talk imo- takes effort but there is not satisfaction of real conversation. People who tend towards low level moaning aren’t asking for support or an understanding ear in a time of difficulty, but rather just commenting on small discomforts of life whenever they occur. I am biased- my sister is a moaner and she’s lovely, but it is like she can’t have anything negative happen without passing comment, “oh the cat was sick on the carpet this morning! I hate it when they do that!” “The bloody bus is always late!” “I’ve had this cold forever it’s awful!” “The weather has been making me so down! When is summer coming” and on and on and on. Nothing serious or anything that she actually wants to discuss, nothing that can be changed, she doesn’t want advice- but the accumulating smalls moans that result in an overall negative Nelly air about her. She then moans that people don’t invite her, x didn’t say hello on the street, y never laughs like that with her…..

It is very draining when someone is constantly negative OP.