AIBU to wonder why people get so put off by negative people?

[BeGreenBear]

I’ve noticed something about myself recently and it’s making me a bit down. I tend to moan about my life — not in a huge dramatic way, but just commenting when I’m stressed, complaining about not having enough money, being tired, work being rubbish, etc. It’s not constant, but it does happen often.
Thing is, I’ve noticed people seem to avoid me when I’m in one of those moods. Friends don’t message as much, family change the subject, and I get the feeling I’m a bit of a “downer”. I don’t mean to be! I just feel like being honest about how I’m feeling.
Why is it that people are so put off by negativity? Surely if we can’t talk about our problems with friends/family, then what’s the point? Or is it that they just don’t want to be dragged down?
AIBU to think people should be able to handle a bit of moaning, or do I need to rein it in?

I am striving for this and trying to encourage DD to not talk about her disability overmuch. Neither of us mention it on social media.

People who moan a lot tend, by their nature to be very inward looking. They are focused on all the bad/unfair/frustrating things that they perceive as happening to them.

As a result they don’t often notice that anyone else is having a difficult time, or remember to ask how they are.

If people are backing away you aren’t just moaning occasionally I’m afraid.

Remember: you can’t always choose how you feel but you can always choose how you behave .

Because its boring to listen to.

DS is a cup half-empty moaner.
I joke that his motto is "for every solution there is a problem" because he'll just whinge and get increasingly infuriated at any potential ways of relieving his minor niggles.

I'll also joke "how are your diodes down your left hand side?" (He has read Hitchhikers)

It's a grim habit and it pulls everyone else down around you like a sinking ship. It also just encourages the moaner to spiral and get ever more negative and depressing.

It doesn't mean you can't vent, but keep it proportionate. Add in the positives. Add humour. Listen to other people.

We all have baggage and we don't have the capacity to lug around an excessive quantity of other peoples'.

I'm going against the grain. Obviously it's not great if you're constantly really negative or if you emotionally offload without ever returning the favour but some people have taken it too far. A good friendship or relationship with family should involve having the capacity to provide some emotional support in bad times.

Sometimes people mistake black humour or humorous self deprecation as ‘moaning’.

Sure, but if multiple people are avoiding her, 'family' change the subject, multiple friends text less -- I think it's far less likely that everyone is misunderstanding her gallows humour than that she is actually just a moaner whom people are avoiding because of her negativity.

Why don't you try keeping your life's woes to your nearest and dearest, a couple of people who love you unconditionally.

For those not quite so close, how about saying, well it could be better but it could be a hell of a lot worse how are you?

Me & H listen to each other's complaints down to such insignificant details I am surprised we don't split the atom sometimes! Everyone else, can get summed up entertaining "highlights" and you can use the time with them to just forget about work, money, stress for a few hours. All the problems will still be there once you separate.

I think people are sympathetic when someone is going through difficult circumstances - so if an ordinarily cheerful person is upset about something that has happened. If you are being negative on and off all the time then that’s a personality trait and so the sympathy likely won’t be there in the same way.

It’s draining. Life is better with a positive attitude even when going through hardship. Negative people suck out all my joy so I avoid them.
I always have time for people going through shit and I’ll listen, but constant negativity about normal life stuff is awful.

As others have said, if you have a problem in particular of course friends are to talk about it and give advice.

However, if you're constantly moaning about every aspect of your life without attempting to do any changes, it is extremely draining.

I had a friend like that and I just couldn't do it. She would call me up to 3 times a day just to complain about the same things over and over but wasn't willing to do anything about it. I felt like I was a free therapist, I dreaded the phone ringing. There's only so much a person can take, it drains you. I told her she should she a therapist because it wasn't normal but she didn't want to. I had to stop the friendship.

Because its very draining and exhausting

Isnt it obvious? no offence but its draining AF to hear someone whining all the time. Yes, we are all allowed to vent and yes, we should express our true feelings and not go around pretending stuff but come on- relentless marinating in misery and negativity is actually truly horrible to be around.

It literally feels like someone is draining your life blood from you like a real emotional vampire. I have no issue at all with people having a shit day or a having a moan about how things have been going recently but if thats pretty much all you do, day in day out and you brush off any suggestions of help then yeah, you can fck right off- noone likes being around people like that.

Yeah sorry I would avoid you.

The first time I ever flew to USA, I was flying to NYC. I was so damn excited to be going as it was somewhere I had wanted to go for years and years and had saved up for ages to go. I finally booked my trip. We were on the plane about to land and I was seated next to a man who looked like a bulldog chewing a wasp. I remarked to him how beautiful it looked out the window with all the lights and how excited I was for the plane to touch down.

He looked me up and down and then also looked out the window. He turned to me and drawled in an American accent: "it's boring as SHIT".

OP- you have the spirit of that man and this is exactly why people dont want to be around you. Life is too short to spend it moaning and complaining about every damn thing. One day you will look back and regret that you spent so much time complaining when you could have been spending it actually living.

We all have times when we are feeling down but if I'm going to meet up with friends I want a nice time - i want to escape all my woes. I don't meet my friends much due to work and family but when I do I want to have a laugh, I dont want to listen to my friends list of problems. I'd come away feeling drained.

Depends if it's all the time

I always assumed people who were like this had no clue how they came across. I’m quite shocked that you’re aware of it and don’t think it’s an issue, more than it’s an issue that your friends won’t listen.

It’s draining, boring and selfish. Everyone is dealing with stuff. Constantly expecting others to listen and pick you up is not on.

It’s hard to be compassionate and understanding when people do moan a lot. I try and have found I have more tolerance when it’s someone I’m really good friends with rather than someone who I get along with on a surface level. There is a mum at our school who always looks miserable, always moans, is always negative and I put up with it for a year or so and have now just totally distanced myself. She really brought me down in a huge way for the first year or so I thought it was me but after it gradually coming up in conversation with other class mums they feel the same and have distanced themselves too. Her being like it is to the detriment of her children too as they are turning out similar and people don’t want to get involved. She doesn’t recognise she is negative though, just is very woo is me so you have a definite head start on her as you realise you are negative and can try and do something about it.

Honestly please reign it in.
I've started avoiding my perpetually negative friends . I don't mind a little bit of moaning but some people are just always having a moan about something and you just end up feeling down yourself after meeting them.
If you're so negative that you're aware of it then I definitely think you need to reign it in ( at least some of the time)

If people have literally started to avoid you then you need to stop doing it because you are pissing people off, clearly.

Noone likes a whiner - as others have said, it's selfish, tedious and draining.

Also, if someone is constantly moaning about everything then how are your friends supposed to know when something truly awful has affected you?- you're like the boy who cried wolf because people will just roll their eyes and think "oh there she goes again- yet another thing she's moaning about".

It's so tedious to be around. Stop it.

Honestly, it's boring

One of the times I had cancer I was told to be careful about moaning to others. The advise wasn't not to moan, but to realise that what may be a fleeting feeling for you, if shared, becomes what the other person thinks of as your condition until you tell them otherwise.

The advice was to moan but also ensure you tell the person/people you moaned to that you were now feeling a lot more positive, and to do that quickly once your mood/pain/whatever, lessens.

I thought that was very good advice. I now have intermittent upper back pain following one of my rounds with cancer, I still moan about it, but also reassure the listener that it's fleeting, I'll be ok and functioning normally soon.

It depends on the frequency. A moan every so often is fine and we all need to offload. But the f it’s frequent, no one else wants to be pulled down by someone moaning all the time. It’s draining.

People are either drains or radiators. You are a drain.

I don’t mind someone moaning occasionally but if someone is a serial moaner I will swerve them. They are not draining my good mood or worse still my ‘ok’ mood. Negativity seeps out of some people so much so they cover you in it too.

Not on my watch. Life is hard enough.