AIBU to wonder why people get so put off by negative people?

[BeGreenBear]

I’ve noticed something about myself recently and it’s making me a bit down. I tend to moan about my life — not in a huge dramatic way, but just commenting when I’m stressed, complaining about not having enough money, being tired, work being rubbish, etc. It’s not constant, but it does happen often.
Thing is, I’ve noticed people seem to avoid me when I’m in one of those moods. Friends don’t message as much, family change the subject, and I get the feeling I’m a bit of a “downer”. I don’t mean to be! I just feel like being honest about how I’m feeling.
Why is it that people are so put off by negativity? Surely if we can’t talk about our problems with friends/family, then what’s the point? Or is it that they just don’t want to be dragged down?
AIBU to think people should be able to handle a bit of moaning, or do I need to rein it in?

I find alot of the people who are constant moaners, are also the type of people who won’t take advice, and won’t try and change anything. They just seem to like moaning!
In the end I give up and avoid.

Great thread. I think it’s about balance to be honest. If someone is moaning and negative about everything I cannot stand to be around them. I'm also not a fan of people who are full of drama and always have some major crisis from one week to the next.I do think there's a difference between someone who is persistently negative and someone who is venting or just wanted toexpress how they feel in the moment.

All of that said, I prefer people who are negative to the ‘toxic positivity club’ where people have to say something positive about everything even if they feel like and frown at you or change the subject if you say any slightly negative comments or god forbid tell your child ‘no’. This to me is fake and at least the negative people have the attribute of being authentic. Whilst it is healthier to emphasise a more positive focus than be a Debbie Downer, a Toxic Tina often ignores and invalidates your feelings, changes the subject and is just a crappy, false friend usually.

I suspect people are like this (toxic positivity) because their own lives feel very fragile and any ‘negative’ comment affects their thoughts and feelings. Possibly conditioning too. They've been raised in environments where they have to be perfect and positive all of the time and they're uncomfortable with ‘negative’ comments.

I choose friends in my life who believe in equanimity and can hold the negative and the positive aspects of life- share the happy and sad times.

I think this is fair comment. You need to make sure the sharing of negative comments isn't one sided or mostly one sided!

There's a term for that ‘askhole’. Someone who asks for advice and never takes it. A real pet peeve of mine

Rein it in unless it’s something really, really important - nobody enjoys being around a moaning Minnie.

I am a fairly positive person, I've suffered with clinical depression in the past and trying to keep positive helps me to not go down that road again. People who are negative and always moaning are draining. If you're my friend, I don't mind you having a bit of a moan, I will try to put a positive spin on it for you, but if you keep on, I'll keep my distance because it brings my mood down.

You sound like my mum. I’m an extremely positive person and surround myself with positivity but ten minutes with her and I’m depressed! I spend the least amount of time possible with her as a result.

Why don’t you try working on positive thinking. I can guarantee your mood and your life will improve if you commit to it and your family and friends will want to spend more time with you. Start small, find one tiny thing in your life that’s good, be grateful for it and focus on it. Build from there.

I used to be incredibly negative and moan about everything but it doesn’t feel good. I had to go consciously learn to be positive.

‘Why is it disrespectful to be negative when you’re with someone?’

Well, imagine you’re the sort of person who has to work hard at keeping your mental health good. I am one of these people. I have to work at it, it doesn’t just happen. Ie I have learned to catch myself if I’m going down a negative train of thought in my head. I consciously switch my thoughts to more positive ones. I try and get a good walk in every day. I eat good food that supports good gut health (gut is linked to brain) and I try and smile a lot even when I’m feeling a bit low.

And then someone comes along and decides that they’re going to spend an hour moaning about everything. I don’t mind listening to a real problem, I just don’t want relentless negativity. My mood is lowered. I then have to spend more time bringing my mood back up. It’s my time someone is stealing, just so they can feel better, temporarily.

So yes, being a relentless moaner is selfish and disrespectful.

It is absolutely draining.

I have a friend like this and its draining.. eventually you just can't take anymore. I think a lot of moaning is deep rooted anxiety being expressed but unfortunately the moaners rarely see it that way. If you want to keep friendships going it is important to be self aware about it as its a miserable way to live and wears everyone down..

Speaking as an optimistic person, I find a tendency to moan or be negative is like cancer; insidious and it leaches the life out of you. It's like the black stuff in Moana.

Someone might be going through stuff, they try hard to get up in the morning and psych themselves for the day ahead.

Just getting up is a struggle for some, so whilst they're tyring to stay positive just to get through the day, you come along with the woe is me, and it's sets them back.

So as others have said, not everyone has the mental capacity to take on more negativity. Most people are already going through something.

A relative’s ds went NC with her for a year. I spoke to him and he said he couldn’t take the moaning - it was making him angry and depressed with his dw and dc. Of course relative spent the year moaning about her ds!

Find some reasons to be cheerful. Moaning is such a waste of other people's time. Ask others how they are and listen carefully without commenting on your own woes. And your face changes when you moan. Mouth turns down. Frown lines start. It's a rocky road. Stop it. Be happy to see people and bring some joy with you. It really makes a difference.

You don't understand why people would rather be someone who is happy and positive, rather than someone negative? If you're always like that you'll be extremely draining to be around. I have a couple of ex friends like that, I used to find after catching up with them I ended up feeling flat rather than happy. Obvious we can't be happy all the time, but if you're always like that then you need to make an effort not to be. Assuming you want friends.

It's disrespectful as you're taking joy out of that person's time.

Unless you're both moaning to each other, or take it in turns, it is very selfish.

A friend does this where one moans then move on to normal chats, and next time they meet, it's the other one's turn to moan.

If it's always you, you're the problem.

I’m a naturally upbeat, sunny person (which can also be annoying)
My moany mate once asked me if it was difficult having to keep up the pretence of happiness all the time?
I told her that I’m genuinely happy (lucky to have never suffered depression) most of the time.
Obviously, I’ve lived through ups & downs, but I realised then that both see life through a different lense.

We have a Dolly downer in our Canasta group who is always depressed and complaining at every game evening. I try to be compassionate and offer her a hug, and occasionally a bunch of flowers, but the truth is that negative people are draining and suck the life out of you given enough time. People who are positive and get things done what need to be done make me feel uplifted and inspired and are a pleasure to be in the company of. That is just the way it is, there are good reasons, for example, why weddings are more fun to attend than funerals, because being surrounded by happy people is so much better for mental health than being surrounded by miserable ones.

If you have a genuine problem I hope that your friends will listen and support you. The problem with moaning about relatively minor things is that most people are dealing with them too. Having a fun and constructive conversation with someone can be a way of making yourself feel more positive. Positivity spreads positivity and negativity spreads negativity. People who moan are expecting others to absorb their negative energy while staying positive which is quite draining as the listener is left having to process the negativity. The best way to deal with negativity/ the things that are making you moan is to acknowledge them to yourself and then take steps to make yourself feel better. I think if you felt better you might not want to moan so much or expect other people to absorb your negative thoughts. I often wake up feeling really grumpy. My way of dealing with this is to go for a run or a swim. It usually puts me in a much more constructive frame of mind. Some people do yoga or meditation. If you can't get out the house there are a ton of videos online for zumba, yoga and different kinds of workouts, most of them free. It doesn't matter what it is. I do find moving physically can really help to put myself in a more positive frame of mind. Dr Rangan Chatterjee who has an amazing podcast about mindset and wellbeing recommends practising gratitude on a daily basis when you wake up. I do occasionally remember to do this and have found that it does help make me feel more positive and happy.

If you do that, you then become the go to for said needy person and the next thing you know you've got daily messages that resemble wheel of fortune at the least.

It's not only the negativity- you need to listen as much, or more than you talk to be seen as a pleasant person to talk to.

Prefer someone having an authentic moan about their life than small talk tbh. But I can’t bear small talk, may as well just stand in silence imo. As long as they aren’t always moaning and also allow other people to moan it doesn’t bother me.

The thing is, @BeGreenBear , is that there’s all this therapy speak about being “our authentic self” and “this is me!” etc etc, but doesn’t mention that others aren’t obliged to like or even tolerate someone. Authenticity isn’t a pass for being annoying or rude or, indeed, a moaner.

We all have bad times and things that go wrong. But if you feel that moaning is your personality, then it’s really time to work on this as you’ve recognised that The Real You is causing people to pull away from you.

Because it brings other people down with you. I ended a friendship due to this, constantly moaning about this and that and why life isn’t fair but then doing nothing to change or help her situation. It was so exhausting and making me feel negative in myself and she was awful if I ever had a problem it was never as bad as hers

Agree with the majority on here, getting something off your chest is absolutely fine, constant moaning and self-pity if draining and for me frustrating!