AIBU to wonder why people get so put off by negative people?

[BeGreenBear]

I’ve noticed something about myself recently and it’s making me a bit down. I tend to moan about my life — not in a huge dramatic way, but just commenting when I’m stressed, complaining about not having enough money, being tired, work being rubbish, etc. It’s not constant, but it does happen often.
Thing is, I’ve noticed people seem to avoid me when I’m in one of those moods. Friends don’t message as much, family change the subject, and I get the feeling I’m a bit of a “downer”. I don’t mean to be! I just feel like being honest about how I’m feeling.
Why is it that people are so put off by negativity? Surely if we can’t talk about our problems with friends/family, then what’s the point? Or is it that they just don’t want to be dragged down?
AIBU to think people should be able to handle a bit of moaning, or do I need to rein it in?

That just sounds like endless moaning OP not asking to discuss actual problems. Wouldn't make for a fun social occasion I think.

Part of some advice I have written on a note on my wall says "Learn to notice the difference between complaining that relieves, and complaining that reinforces negative stress."

We all need a good moan/to talk about serious or upsetting issues from time to time. But generally, try not to suck the joy out of life.

Whinging to your friends is one thing but doing nothing about your situation is another, maybe they're sick of it all.

Finding humour in crappy situations helps too. I lost my hair and boobs after BC treatment but always tried to see the funny side when my friends were supporting me through it. I always joked about looking like a lesbian with my shaved head (no offence to lesbians!) and I still say 'I laughed my tits off' quite regularly.

If you perpetually complain about the same things then you need to do something about those things, not just keep complaining.

Seriously? Nobody wants to be around a fun sponge who sees the negative in everything. It’s different if a friend is going through something major like a break up or bereavement. But being around a moaner is so draining.

How do you feel around people who moan, OP? Do you sit with anyone and take turns to talk about fed you both are and how shit life is? Do you enjoy that? How do you feel afterwards?

Do you feel better after you’ve moaned at someone?
Do you feel better after someone has moaned at you?

The thing is, sometimes this discussion people cannot be helped. No matter how good life is, they are dissatisfied. DM wants me to solve her various problems and listen while she goes on at length. Any time I do solve something, the relief lasts about 30secs and she’s on to something else. I dont particularly want to wear myself out helping her, as she won’t feel any better as a result!

Are you like a stuck record? Do you ignore advice? Do you focus on yourself when others also have problems?

If so, that's why people don't want to know.

Run like the wind from moaners.Why?

Life-sapping vampires who sap other people’s courage and hope.

Surprisingly awful results from small talk, which is such a small thing, you’d think. it’s not.

OP, we don’t deserve it.

I have a DD who has a chronic illness. It will be with her lifelong and cannot be cured.. There are good days and bad days.
I have learnt to moan only to my therapist or to DH who understands.
Other people want a quick and easy solution, which doesn't exist.

I work with all Polish women and can confirm, I’m the only one who will say “yes I’m fine” when I’m not 😂 I have a love/hate relationship with their brutal honesty.

My friend had a little moan about something yesterday. I didn't mind at all. I definitely have a little moan to her sometimes too and I know she doesn't mind. why? Because the vast bulk of our interactions do NOT involve either of us moaning.

But someone who is always whinging about their life is exhausting, particularly if they're not doing anything about it and not taking on board any solutions or advice.

It's draining and pulls down other people's moods to be around someone with a negative outlook.

No one's life is all roses but some of us make an effort to be a bit cheerful when around others.

Not to say I expect friends to be happy all the time, that's unrealistic. But neither do I want to stay friends with people that are moaning all the time.

I don’t see how this can be a serious post. You’re negative and moany, you explain why anyone would volunteer to be around that.

Have you heard the expression glass empty/ half full?

Is it really not obvious why that your negative moany attitude is draining for other people op?

Sorry OP but it does sound like you moan more than only every now and then if friends and family are avoiding you. Negative people are very draining and being thow around them down to their level. I have a friend who is never and I mean never happy, never has something nice to say it's always moan, moan moan and about the same thing or something that happened years and ago , I no longer listen and if she continues after I change the subject I walk off , to be honest I can't see us being friends much longer. She makes my mood very low and me depressed after time in her company

I’ve been a ‘ negative Nelly ‘ all my life , but I have learnt to be more glass half full around others.
Dh knows what I am like, but he is pretty positive mostly, so we can cancel each other out.
My family were always quite negative, so may be a learnt behavior or something op?
I feel that a kind of balance is better. People don’t really want to hear bad things all the time, a bit of a moan but nothing more , but it’s obviously having the effect of turning people off you. At least you’re aware of it and can change it around to be a more positive?
I’ve had to be like this and I know it’s not always easy.

Nobody enjoys being around a moaner.

i have permanent chronic pain and use a wheelchair. I try to be pleasant to people I meet as frankly I like happiness and joy in my life and I try to bring them to others.

i have extremely limited tolerance for other people moaning especially if they don’t have many objective problems. Obviously eg my SIL who just got breast cancer can moan but my ExH misning about how tiring his new baby is can fuck off.

The thing is, we all have our own shit going on and listening to someone else's shit constantly can be a bit draining.

I do think part of friendship is to listen to each others' moans and winges, but if that's all that one person ever brings to the table it's kind of exhausting.

I have a friend who I love dearly, but if it's a nice day outside then the sky is too blue and the sun too yellow. She always looks for the negative in any situation at all and she really does bring the rest of us down sometimes.

My friend does this constantly. It's so draining when all you want to do is meet up and chill. I don't see her very often anymore, as I can't bear the thought of listening to her moan.

It's draining, boring and pointless. Why do you think your friends want to hear about your life niggles when they definitely have plenty of their own? If you have a genuine serious issue and need help then by all means reach out for support but if you are constantly moaning about your life why would anyone want to be around that for long?

Op try journaling instead. Dump your crap in a journal and move on. We all have stuff to deal with - your stuff won’t be particularly interesting or unique

I know someone like you. Compassion fatigue is real where she is concerned. She even does the woe is me act on social media.
I'm not saying this is the same with you but she really has fuck all to moan about. It's stuff like a cold, being a bit skint, going beack to work after a holiday, etc.
I have a life limiting condition. You absolutely wouldn't know it from any of my social media. I choose to use the time with friends to lift my mood, not hoover theirs up.
It's exhausting being around moaners and yes, I do actively avoid her now.

I know that if a friend of mine or a family member is telling me about their problems my first impulse is to think about how I could help but if it’s a long stream of stuff then you know that you can’t fix it all and it feels overwhelming
also if you have your own stuff going on sometimes you just don’t have the headspace for it

Its draining, selfish, boring. I have a friend like this and ive pulled away loads, however she still messages numerous times a day and isnt taking the one word answers as a hint.

Do you really need to ask OP? You're sucking the life out of people around you, no wonder they avoid you.