AIBU to wonder why people get so put off by negative people?

[BeGreenBear]

I’ve noticed something about myself recently and it’s making me a bit down. I tend to moan about my life — not in a huge dramatic way, but just commenting when I’m stressed, complaining about not having enough money, being tired, work being rubbish, etc. It’s not constant, but it does happen often.
Thing is, I’ve noticed people seem to avoid me when I’m in one of those moods. Friends don’t message as much, family change the subject, and I get the feeling I’m a bit of a “downer”. I don’t mean to be! I just feel like being honest about how I’m feeling.
Why is it that people are so put off by negativity? Surely if we can’t talk about our problems with friends/family, then what’s the point? Or is it that they just don’t want to be dragged down?
AIBU to think people should be able to handle a bit of moaning, or do I need to rein it in?

It is a bit contradictory though isn't it, when people are having a stressful time the advice is always to talk to a friend. A problem shared is a problem halved.

And is the friend asked if this is ok, before a third party doles out this advice?

I concur with @VoltaireMittyDream above.

It almost seems a social set up now, that many people think friendship flourishes and thrives on a constant stream of opening up and expressing every worry, upset and anxiety and that a friend is someone who absorbs it all.

I am surrounded by friends and relatives who show increasing willingness to ask me to accommodate their moods, upsets, anxiety-driven restrictions and widening range of food particularities.

Maybe I should start moaning to them about it.

All my friends bar one constantly moan on repeat the same stuff over and over again and it’s been the same theme for years. Won’t help themselves. Nor do they reciprocate when I feel down, they listen and instantly change the subject back their moans. I feel worse when I speak to them.

so I avoid them now, I’ve got enough shit going in in my life (which I mostly keep to myself) and I can’t deal with their constant negativity and whinging.

if people are that so unaware of how they come across or don’t want to let someone else talk about what’s troubling them then that’s their problem.

my one friend who doesn’t do this is fantastic, we both share equally and often have a laugh about each others moans

I think ideally you'd also be able to be honest about what sort of capacity you're at yourself with friends. We've all got limits but I'd feel like a pretty shit person if all I ever wanted out of my social contacts was positivity.

It’s very selfish and shows a lack of respect for other people. If someone is kind enough to want my company I figure the very least I can do is be cheerful and uplifting when I’m with them. I can save any negativity for when I’m alone.

How is it disrespectful to be negative?

How much time do you spend listening to other people about their problems

How much time do you devote to removing the root causes of your problems so that they no longer have an adverse impact on your life and the lives of your nearest and dearest.

I’ll wait while you work it out.

If I have a friend, it's because I enjoy their company. I don't tend to enjoy the company of people who moan all the time.

If a friend is having a rough time for whatever reason, I'm happy to support them through that. But if every time I speak to them it's just a constant whine, then I'm going to lose interest in seeing them fairly quickly.

Can any of your problems be solved, OP? or at least reduced?

Try bringing your own sunshine. No one wants to hear about your clouds any more - you've exhausted their patience and goodwill.

I am a solver, and it’s only finally dawned on me after decades that most moaners don’t want their problems solved. They want an ear, who says, “How awful”, “Poor you”, “Oh, I do sympathise” at intervals, whilst actively listening and, naturally, not talking about themselves at all.

Of course if someone has a specific problem or crisis or life issue (bereavement etc) then I am there. But the on-to-the-next-thing moaning is really, really draining.

I agree with @RantzNotBantz that “your feelings” are supposed to be uppermost these days, but then we get into a situation where the neediest and moaniest believe it is their right to dominate and others have to robustly suck it up.

There are numerous posts on this thread that explain this.

OP, I am really sorry that you have a range of stresses and upsets to deal with, and that you are finding that your traditional prop, your F&F, are not there for you / working.

So how can you change that?

A pp asked if any of your problems could be solved. Can you ask for advice or help in addressing something rather than just off loading?

People generally like to contribute to something constructive.

And changing your approach can often put you into an upward spiral of mood and confidence, whereas moaning can have the opposite effect.

Also, at time when you are feeling better, do you offer help and support? Or suggest meeting up and havjng a good time?

Have you actually read any of these responses? because lots and lots of people in this thread have explained very clearly and honestly why being constantly negative to others is disrespectful and selfish.

Noone has said in this thread that you should shut up and pretend to be "happy" when you arent but you have admitted yourself that you are constantly moaning to others about small, pointless, daily things like feeling tired or your job. Why- what does this achieve apart from bringing others down? how does it benefit you to make other people hear your repetitive daily moans about these things that in the scheme of things arent actually that important when compared to serious issues like bereavement or divorce or other genuinely traumatic events which absolutely deserve empathy and sympathy from others.

Frankly, you seem wilfully obtuse in not getting what everyone on this thread is saying and its not that shocking that people are avoiding you.

DM has criticised me for always seeing the other point of view, and ‘looking on the bright side’. She uses ‘Pollyanna’ as an insult.

However, if I didn’t make an effort I’d be suicidal, so I carry on relentlessly schooling myself to find something positive.

She’d prefer to think the whole world is against her and she’s being victimised, than to realise no one is actually targeting her they are just getting on with their stuff, and don’t organise themselves around her.

And I’m trying to remember that what she wants to hear is ‘oh that’s awful! What a dreadful thing! They shouldn’t have done that, it’s not fair’ and other validating but ultimately useless things.

How often do you moan, what are you doing to fix the situation and how often do you hear other people’s problems?

a moan every now and again can be therapeutic, if you are constantly moaning about the same things it becomes tiring.

Everyone is carrying a lot, and ‘moaners’ tend to wang on only about their own issues without much reciprocal support, they want the attention of someone patting their head and saying ‘poor you’ without actually solving anything because the sympathy/attention is what they actually crave. It’s deeply draining and disrespectful towards other people’s time.

You say it’s ’not constant but does happen often’? Listen to yourself. It’s constant. People are avoiding you. Sounds like you’re dumping endlessly and you need to sort it out.

Exactly they don’t want solutions.

I'm not a fan of the solutions approach myself. Unless it's a very quick fix that you know and they don't it's not helpful. I've made an active decision to stop doing it unless a friend specifically asks for my opinion because even with the best intentions you rarely get it right.

I think that there has to be balance, we all have to manage feeling discomfort and I think we should tolerate a level of negative emotions being expressed by others as long as it's not excessive.

What do you want to achieve with the negativity? If you are constantly offloading on your friends just because you like moaning then that's up to you but others have a right to avoid you.

I agree that the solutions only approach isn’t helpful in and of itself, but it sounds like this moaning absolutely is excessive, at which point after you’ve offered both ears and solutions, you just give up.

As you pointed out, tolerating discomfort is not the same as being expected to just be pair of convenient ears for people moaning all the time. Sounds like OPs people have reached that point.

Have you ever watch What We Do in the Shadows? There’s a character in that who drains people’s social energy. It sounds a lot like that.

I don’t mind supporting my friends if they’re going through a tough time but I enjoy meeting my friends for social connection, doing something a bit different and just chatting.
If I know a friend is going through a tough time then I’ll zone in on that but if it’s just constant moaning when I wanted distraction from my own mundane day to day stuff, then it’s really annoying.
similarly, I have a crazy upbeat friend who can also be annoying (but she’s lovely anyway) I can’t complain about anything with her as she just puts a constant positive spin on everything and dismisses it.
People need a balance.

I avoid moaners as much as I can. Unless they have a good reason e.g bereavement, serious illness, job loss etc.

Colin Robinson! I was going to mention him but thought it would go over everyone's head.

Because it’s so draining. Surely that’s not hard to understand.

Im not saying you shouldn’t share problems or ask for advice. But general moaning - which you admit it is - all the time just drags everyone down. Especially as it is very frequent- as you also admit.

I bet you find people don’t confide in you either in case it opens your moan floodgates.

Radiators and drains, OP, radiators and drains. At the end of your life do you want people to remember you as a radiator or a drain?