AIBU to wonder why people get so put off by negative people?

[BeGreenBear]

I’ve noticed something about myself recently and it’s making me a bit down. I tend to moan about my life — not in a huge dramatic way, but just commenting when I’m stressed, complaining about not having enough money, being tired, work being rubbish, etc. It’s not constant, but it does happen often.
Thing is, I’ve noticed people seem to avoid me when I’m in one of those moods. Friends don’t message as much, family change the subject, and I get the feeling I’m a bit of a “downer”. I don’t mean to be! I just feel like being honest about how I’m feeling.
Why is it that people are so put off by negativity? Surely if we can’t talk about our problems with friends/family, then what’s the point? Or is it that they just don’t want to be dragged down?
AIBU to think people should be able to handle a bit of moaning, or do I need to rein it in?

There are two types of people in life - mood hoovers and radiators. Life is too short to spend it with mood hoovers.

DM is like that. Don't mind the odd self aware moan but when it's an outlook it wear me down. Like, just change your situation then. Or accept it. Then feel negative about her - god she is never going to change. Then feel guilty.

I'm naturally someone who puts a positive spin on bad things. I joke about them, turn them into a funny story. I can tolerate negative people but if they are taking themselves too seriously...I just think do something about it then! No one coming to save you.

You're meant to disguise your unhappiness apparently. No surprise when someone kills themselves and everyone goes on about "if only she'd said..."

I think it depends on the unhappiness and how proactive they are about tackling it. I think if someone is endlessly moaning but not doing anything about it all, I’d suggest they need further support. Friends aren’t mental health practitioners and they have to protect their own energy.

It depends how you do it. Are you quite passionate and incensed when you talk? It can sound overwhelming and flood the other person with negativity.
you need to give and take.

Because it is draining. It is not good to spend time with someone and come away feel drained due to their negativity.
It also depends... are you talking about your woes as a way to seek advice, or is it just moaning? If it is the latter, people will pull away.

Some people are emotional drains. And it’s draining. If you’re going through a bad time and you offload to good friends, that’s one thing. If you’re a perpetual Eeyore type, people will avoid you. Other people have their own shit to deal with. I went through a horrendous time in my life a couple of years ago. Literally my entire world blew apart. My close friends were really supportive. But after about 6 months I started to think: I don’t want every time I see my friends to be all about my trauma. If you feel constantly unhappy, perhaps you might be depressed? In which case: therapy, anti-depressants, might help?

I am a reformed moaner. I cringe now when I think back to when I used to whinge at length about every little thing, not realising what a huge social faux pas it was. I now spot other people who are moaners and find them boring, self centred (so much so it's like they have no awareness that other people have their own problems to deal with, even if they don't talk about them) and they are often totally insensitive as they go on and on about the things they're dealing with around people who have much more serious problems.

It's draining when people complain often about normal things. Most people are tired, have work or money stresses etc. the odd moan is fine but when people are often negative, it starts to bring you down too.

I'm 100% there for my friends when something serious happens, and I'm absolutely fine with the occasional offloading of general life annoyances... but I couldn't be friends with someone who was negative in general.

Like the vast majority of people I have my own things going on. Taking on every niggle for someone else just isn't something I have capacity for.

Its fine have a moan once maybe even twice but what the hell are you doing about it? What is the point in continually moaning about the same thing? Its like groundhog day and yes its bloody boring listening to those people. Time is precious you cant buy it, why would you want to spend it listening to someone happing on again about how rubbish work is. Better things to do with that time

Either change it or accept it and find a better more positive perspective. Its super draining to hear people go on on ...oh no i never have enough money well what are you doing about it. Your tired? Go to bed early then? Or find a way to get more sleep.

Work is always going to be rubbish its same shit different door maybe work to live and not live fo work and then you won't give two shifts about work and won't feel need to moan about it.

I’m on the spectrum so find it hard not to be totally honest. If people ask me how I am, It’s incredibly hard not to tell the truth but it never goes down well - never. So I’m forcing myself not to say anything negative now. I don’t tell anyone how I really feel unless I’m very close to them or they are sharing something too and it feels safe.
In polite conversation, I avoid saying anything negative at all or I keep quiet. It’s not very authentic but people seem to be responding much better to me - it’s almost amusing to see the difference and I actually feel better for it. I’ve also noticed more how much others moan now.

Everyone has negative things they could - and do - talk about. And that's fine.

People who are consistently, temperamentally negative, however:

• Are fixated on their own bad luck and how nothing ever works out for them
• Are self-centred in general, and monopolise conversations, steering them relentlessly back to how shit everything is
• Have particular catastrophic topics they monologue about at length and can't tell / don't care when other people are done hearing about it
• don't have much else in their conversational toolbox, so the complaint and catastrophizing is never tempered with anything lighthearted or funny
• they routinely drop little bombs of awfulness into an otherwise pleasant conversation
• they are often coldly parasitic about other people's grief or trauma or difficulty - like it's a fabulous opportunity to launch into yet another monologue about how horrible everything is
• reject people's efforts to be polite and pleasant to them - so if you say 'I'm sorry you're not feeling well' they'll reply angrily, 'me too!'

This is what drains people. The not actually giving a shit about anything but lovingly nurturing their own bleak outlook.

ADHDers can bang on & don’t realise no one cares about whatever it is, not moaning per se but OTT on topics.

Agree. It's no one's fault if someone kills themselves. Listening to someone who is always unhappy but are unwilling to do anything but complain about it to be the extent that they drain other people will not keep them from committing suicide if that's what they want to do. They need professional help. Not to destroy the mental health of their friends and family.

Its draining lifes to short i want to be around happy positive people as it makes me happy and positive if im around unhappy negative people it makes me unhappy

This.
I had a friend who would endlessly moan about how shit their life was, but would refuse to take any accountabilty for it... they just wanted other people to swoop in and fix them.
They would even post photos of booze and pills on their FB... and then post their address.

I have MH issues myself, but I could not deal with this sort of behaviour at all.

What if there is nothing.to be done and all medical avenues have been explored?
Asking for a friend ie myself. Though I just dont talk about it at all anymore.

@BeGreenBear, do you moan about things you could actually do something about but never do? I'm thinking about a fairly common experience I had in my last job where certain people would complain about X aspect of work and when I said "Have you asked Ms Smith about it?" the inevitable reply would be "Oh, they'd only say no". Every every time. It did my head in.

I should say for context that I was union rep and came in for some ear-bending but I was not in the market for approaching management on the part of someone on a non-union issue who could ask for themselves

If this is you, then take some action.

Actually, the entire point of CBT is to change your repetitive negative thoughts and reframe them so they aren’t so upsetting and depressive. Having and expressing chronically negative thoughts is going to make a person more depressed, not less.

Good post

This!

It is a bit contradictory though isn't it, when people are having a stressful time the advice is always to talk to a friend. A problem shared is a problem halved. But it seems you only get to do this once or twice then it's over. Unfortunately some life stresses are not just a current issue and they continue throughout the years so it follows that the person should be able to talk about it.

For me, I don't mind some people moaning but others annoy me, it's to do with the manner in which they communicate sometimes. A negative whiny tone can be difficult. A factual complaint is different. It also depends on what the complaint is, there is an element of learning to accept what cannot be changed. I personally can't stand people moaning about the weather unless there is an unusual pattern. I live in a rainy place, that's our climate ffs why complain about it.

People who interject a pleasant conversation with dramatic tragedy stories are the worst. I don't know how you'd describe this. But for example people are talking about something lightheaded and they jump in with 'isn't it awful about that toddler in Glasgow' and then we all just repeat yes it's awful, the poor mother etc etc.

It drains me of emotional energy to listen to people moaning.

People have their own problems, I get by by keeping positive. It brings me right down to have to listen to someone being negative for any length of time.

Of course if there is a serious problem, of crisis, I am there. And actually give loads of support when really needed.

But moaning, oh my lord, make it stop, take responsibility for your own mood. What can anyone do?

Ooh now I disagree with you about weather moaning. That’s its own genre. Builds camaraderie and a sense of common cause. ☔️

I also think a problem shared is a problem halved within the context of a relatively close and balanced relationship. Not with the person who happens to sit next to you at work, or the random mum at the school gate, or any other captive audience.

I have friends with chronic pain / illness, and they will talk frankly with me about how it affects them, and their worries for the future. And this doesn’t feel like negativity to me. But it’s also not the only kind of conversation we have. It’s not all talking about the hard stuff, but lots of laughs, sending daft memes, recommendations for books and TV series, etc.

Whether something constitutes moaning versus ‘sharing’ depends on the wider dynamic of the relationship.

Judging by threads I see on here, some people expect their friendships to provide ongoing mental health support and crisis management, rather than a relationship that is actively pleasant for both parties the majority of the time.