AIBU to wonder why people get so put off by negative people?

[BeGreenBear]

I’ve noticed something about myself recently and it’s making me a bit down. I tend to moan about my life — not in a huge dramatic way, but just commenting when I’m stressed, complaining about not having enough money, being tired, work being rubbish, etc. It’s not constant, but it does happen often.
Thing is, I’ve noticed people seem to avoid me when I’m in one of those moods. Friends don’t message as much, family change the subject, and I get the feeling I’m a bit of a “downer”. I don’t mean to be! I just feel like being honest about how I’m feeling.
Why is it that people are so put off by negativity? Surely if we can’t talk about our problems with friends/family, then what’s the point? Or is it that they just don’t want to be dragged down?
AIBU to think people should be able to handle a bit of moaning, or do I need to rein it in?

I'm not interested in hearing moaning from people who've bought these issues on themselves. Don't moan take action to rectify things.

I bet if I asked you some highlights of the week, you’d probably be able to tell me some good things that happened. Even if it was a film you enjoyed, or met up with someone for a drink or did something interesting.
Balance yourself out with focussing on those things.
Ok so money is a bit shit. We are all feeling it as it’s the way things are at the moment. Have you tried to do something about it? Don’t moan til you’ve tried or you’re looking for advice on how to improve your situation.
If you can try to do something about a situation but don’t and moan instead, that annoys people.
People often try to help but if you’re one of those people that always ignores advice or has every excuse not to follow any advice but just continue to moan, then people will steer clear.
Share good stuff. If you haven’t got good stuff to share then that’s a problem.
Go and find some joy. Go for a walk or bake a cake or something. Whatever you like that uplifts you a bit.

I hear you but I think it’s sad more slack isn’t cut in your circumstances. An acquaintance once swerved a woman with terminal cancer & I thought not compassionate at all.

Yes.
reign it in,
you mood hoover !!

seriously, communication should be balanced, venting the difficult stuff and the day to day stuff and the good stuff -

a balance is probably what we do, that maintains relationships over time

I like people with a bit of give and take. I'm not keen on those who falsely claim everything is rosy. But there are a lot of people who aren't interested in the problems of others. The secret is finding the right people I think.

I can only speak for myself- I avoid chronic complainers because they make me feel physically sick. We’ve all got a lot to deal with, and when someone adds their moaning to the load I’m carrying, I get stomach aches, headaches, and just feel sick in general.
since you are aware you’re doing it, maybe finding another way to vent would be healthy for everyone around you, as well as you.

Do you seriously have to ask this? Nobody likes a moaner, and it sounds as if you do a lot of it. It is one thing to be upset if something bad happens: you wouldn't be human otherwise. It is quite another to treat friends and family to a constant litany of your gripes and woes. If you are complaining so much that you find people are backing away from you, that is a sign that you need to stop doing it. I have known one or two constant complainers in my life and I don't speak to them any more, because ain't nobody got time for that.

It sucks the energy out of the room/ life. That’s probably why people avoid you.

Though proper friends wouldn’t do that, real friendship isn’t dependent on being happy and upbeat all the time.

I don’t mind people having a vent to me but I cannot stand moaners or people with a negative energy.

I have enough of my own shit to deal with and staying positive is the only thing that gets me through it.

Having someone try and drag me down is going to make me feel even worse.

You must moan a lot to recognise a pattern and so you need to make some changes if you don’t want people to avoid you.

OMG she sounds like a nightmare. I would honestly just block her number.

" Surely if we can’t talk about our problems with friends/family, then what’s the point?"
Yeah but it sounds like you're just moaning about normal daily stuff that pretty much everyone deals with, rather than actual serious problems.

If a friend had a genuine issue, like money issues to the point where they were going to lose their home, depression, serious illness, partner cheating or being abusive and wanted help or just sympathy, then I'd try to give it. If they just wanted to moan about their general life, then I wouldn't want to spend much time around them, tbh.

If you're usually a nice, friendly, fun person that people enjoy spending time with, then when you have a real problem I'm sure people will be willing to listen and help. If you're always moaning about comparatively minor things then when something really big happens they'll just think 'Oh god more of the same,' - like a version of the Boy who cried wolf effect.

You could as easily flip it and ask "what is the point of talking to our friends and family about our problems?" What can they do about your work being crap and you being tired? What does moaning about it achieve? It clearly doesn't make you feel better if you're doing it so frequently, and obviously puts them off too.

She would probably turn up at my house if I blocked her. She has a habit of having an "emotional breakdown" (her phrase) when she doesnt get her own way, or doesnt like what she's hearing which leads to A&E trips and treats of self harm.

Its just constant moaning and complaining all the time, very irritating

Nobody likes a mood hoover, that's why.

You could as easily flip it and ask "what is the point of talking to our friends and family about our problems?" What can they do about your work being crap and you being tired? What does moaning about it achieve? It clearly doesn't make you feel better if you're doing it so frequently, and obviously puts them off too

Yes, this is a good point! what on earth can your family and friends do about you being tired or you not liking your job? my first answer to that would be well, look for another job then and start going to bed earlier! stop complaining about something you arent willing to actually do anything about.

As you say, the fact you are moaning so damn often would indicate that it's not even helping you feel better anyway so why keep doing it? 🤷‍♀️

I know someone like this and it's not so much the moaning it's the feeling like I'm on egg shells when she's doing it. It's so hard to know what to say and my mind is often elsewhere, wanting to protect myself from my own stresses not add more.

Your OP suggests a problematic lack of self awareness OP. I think you are misjudging the balance of what you offer to your friends.

People want friendships to uplift them and make their lives better. Yes, everybody has their down moments but a good friend would balance out the list of woes and complaints with content which makes them good company: fun, jokes, interesting conversations, shared experiences.

Otherwise it’s all take, take, take at a cost to the listener.

I can put up with moaning if it’s witty/funny or there is seriously something to moan about - but then I wouldn’t categorise being upset about something serious as moaning.
There needs to be something in it for the listener if it’s trivial and more than a minute long.
I don’t want to hear moaning about how long someone held on to speak to the insurers, or traffic problems, those sorts of complaints need to be very short indeed. Unless it’s my very elderly mum, who has no one else to moan to, and even then, she is aware of normal conversation etiquette.
I have a friend who can moan a lot, but she is very funny with it, so that’s OK.
Obviously, if there’s something major, like a health scare or imminent death, then that’s different, but that’s not moaning, that’s confiding and needing support and of course I’d provide whatever is needed in that case.

Part of problem is mental health support is woefully inadequate although not relevant here perhaps.

To OP it’s good you’re aware & lightly turn convo back to other person & say ‘enough about me’ when you catch yourself.

My mum is very much like this but doesn’t realise it. I think she’d actually be horrified if I told her honestly how draining and exhausting and it is to listen to her. She makes the people around her so unhappy, can make the nicest occasions utterly miserable, suck all the joy out of the happiest events. She stayed with me recently and I was often in tears of an evening - almost as though I could feel the physical weight of all the negativity, moaning and complaining. I have a life limiting condition and have suffered depression for most of my life - but I absolutely refuse to complain, ever. It would be totally unfair on people around me to make them carry the weight of my own burdens.

Although I do agree with the responses on here, I think you are taking a bit of a battering! I can be negative but I think it's linked to poor mental health and possible neurodivergence which makes me a bit too honest. I have had some therapy which has definitely helped me to be much less negative. It would probably be good for you to learn some techniques to have more balanced thoughts and to stop being drawn into this extreme negativity all the time. It's obviously putting people off and it can't be good for you to always think that way. Having said that I think we all need people in our lives who we can chat to about our feelings but the reality is that not everyone is receptive so you need to pick and choose carefully!

I prefer to focus on the positives. Most things aren’t perfect, and the only thing you can change in the immediate situation is your own attitude.

Listening to people who moan all the time is draining and annoying. If you want to explain a problem to me and seek advice on how to fix it, fine. But if you just want a whinge I’ll view you as an emotional vampire to be avoided.

I think everyone needs a bit of a moan from time to time, but if people are avoiding you it’s definitely too often. My partner moans a fair bit. It’s like he dumps all his woes onto me and feels a whole lot better, but I then feel very drained. I’m not talking about serious stuff. Of course I want to be the one he turns to when the moan is about something important. It’s all the endless niggles. Things he could just process in his head (like I do) rather than yammering on. Then he tells someone else in my presence and I have to listen to it all over again. Drives me up the wall.

That would drive me insane. Have you told him to stop? I had a friend like this, I had to have an honest conversation with her and she really reined it in, she didn’t realise

Chances are that if everyone is saying the same thing they've probably got a point.

That being said there are a lot of poor quality relationships these days. Loads of people claim to be "so busy" that they don't have much time for their friends, some people openly admit that friendship isn't a priority. It wouldn't be impossible for a person to be unlucky and have only the sort of friends that can only be bothered with positivity.

I can't abide a whinger. It's one thing to hash out a problem but people who seem to enjoy swimming in their own misery are the pits.