AIBU to wonder why people get so put off by negative people?

[BeGreenBear]

I’ve noticed something about myself recently and it’s making me a bit down. I tend to moan about my life — not in a huge dramatic way, but just commenting when I’m stressed, complaining about not having enough money, being tired, work being rubbish, etc. It’s not constant, but it does happen often.
Thing is, I’ve noticed people seem to avoid me when I’m in one of those moods. Friends don’t message as much, family change the subject, and I get the feeling I’m a bit of a “downer”. I don’t mean to be! I just feel like being honest about how I’m feeling.
Why is it that people are so put off by negativity? Surely if we can’t talk about our problems with friends/family, then what’s the point? Or is it that they just don’t want to be dragged down?
AIBU to think people should be able to handle a bit of moaning, or do I need to rein it in?

DH can be like this and I have to remind him not to be. It's how he was brought up so I do think he can't help himself to a certain extent. I'm the opposite.

EG:
"oh I've found a great little pub to watch the euros in"
"It'll prob be packed"

"Lovely day today"
"it's going to pour down tomorrow"

"Great to see our buyers are having the survey done and cracking on with things"
"They'll prob pull out, don't get your hopes up".

Very very draining and it winds me up. It's not constant but it's too much.

Because when it's constant, it totally disregards how it leaves the other person feeling. Dealing with someone who is constantly complaining about things is utterly exhausting.

Because when it's constant, it totally disregards how it leaves the other person feeling. Dealing with someone who is constantly complaining about things is utterly exhausting

Yeah, this. It's disrespectful because you are dumping woe after woe after woe on someone without a single thought for their feelings or if they're even in the mood to deal with your crap. What if they've had a bad day too? what if they are tired? what if they are sick of hearing the same BS for the fiftieth time that week?

@VoltaireMittyDream summed it up perfectly: they routinely drop little bombs of awfulness into an otherwise pleasant conversation

Thats disrespectful and draining.

I can't stand solution people, IMO they are the disrespectful ones, to suggest something obvious to a person who is in turmoil trying to resolve a problem 24/7 and they have processed it for about 1 minute. Its patronising and infuriating. This approach by a few people in my life was the reason I learned to never share my problems and it added stress in other ways as I became a bit disingenuous and playing fake fine was exhausting too.

These days I feel like I've found a bit of a balance and I have a few friends I can offload on when necessary but I am very careful still and try to not repeat problems or stories. I am also careful about who I tell what to as people have different sensitivities. I have a good friend with very poor health, I'm not going to moan that I'm tired all the time to her, or how my weight issues get me down. I am in a higher income bracket than some friends and can't talk about certain things that I might be trying to decide (not moans necessarily but dilemmas, we can't decide where to go on holiday, should we do the kitchen up or the bathroom etc). So I guess there is a little element of dishonesty in my friendships because I hold back a lot, it can be hard to get it right all the time.

I can't stand solution people, IMO they are the disrespectful ones, to suggest something obvious to a person who is in turmoil trying to resolve a problem 24/7 and they have processed it for about 1 minute

This completely depends on the context though. I had an ex co-worker who used to constantly complain she was "broke" to everyone yet spent money on stuff like having her lips done, designer hand bags, trips abroad she couldnt afford, crap on QVC etc- all racked up on multiple credit cards, and then used to drop hints to me to see if would lend her money. One time I politely pointed out that even though I couldn't lend her money I could help her sort out a budget so she could save some of her money and she got super annoyed. Sorry, but her finances were 100% her own doing- she just didn't want to hear the most obvious solution.

I think when you approach a needy person with sympathy and understanding that they just need an outlet it's a lot easier to deal with negativity than it is when you try to fix it.

It’s a lot easier to just avoid them.

If it’s regular it does bring everyone down. There’s a few people in work who bring in all their problems with them and I suppose it leads people back to their own problems and you can feel the mood in the air. The positive people have their shit and may mention it and people will acknowledge it, chat to them but then the positive person moves on with the conversation and the place is ready to get back to work

But most people aren't needy all the time. I think for worthwhile relationships you have to be there for both good and bad times.

Yes. Sometimes. But some people are relentlessly needy and negative, and there’s only so much sympathy and understanding others can muster.

Well yes, as a one off. But all the time? I have a relative whose problems are at least 80% solvable, eg “My tap’s dripping.” This will go on and on over days if not weeks and morph into there being no plumbers and how can they find a plumber and life is so difficult and no one will come if they do find a plumber. So I look at Checkatrade, find a plumber, arrange plumber to come round, plumber fixes tap. And then it’s hours of the cost of said plumber… before starting off on a new problem. Aaaaagh!

I agree, whatever strategy no one's got limitless sympathy. It's hard to be around someone relentlessly negative but I'm not convinced it's a simple as saying someone is either a radiator or a drain. I think most of us go through phases where we've got more to give and where we need more and relationships are all about balance.

I just can't help notice how some people say they can only be bothered to spend time with people who are going to be positive. There has been a real decline in the quality of the average persons friendships, especially since COVID, and more people are lonely. If people can't be bothered investing in friendships as much I can see how it affects what we consider to be needy behaviour rather than normal problem sharing among friends.

This is true unless the person is bottomlessly needy, and requires a constant outlet, for everything, forever - in which case no amount of sympathy and understanding will ever be enough, and you're a horrible person if you don't allow them to shit into your brain all day long until the end of time.

Having been brought up by someone like this, I give needy people quite a wide berth and extremely firm boundaries these days. They will eat you alive if you let them.

Because it’s boring.

I think the radiator / drain thing is very context dependent. I know a few dizzyingly cheerful people whose company I find draining, and I also know people who are delightful company despite a fairly gloomy outlook, because they're able to talk about difficult things with humour and intelligence and nuance. They know how to give you a good time, conversationally.

A lot of it is about the social skill of the person in question - how able they are to read the room and attune to others' moods and participate in some kind of energetic give-and-take.

I'm really interested to hear from the 'reformed moaners' on this thread, who recognise that there is actually quite a lot of skill involved in having conversations that feel good to both parties, regardless of what is going on in their lives and what mood they are in to begin with - and that many times a one-sided downloading of all your misery onto the nearest pair of ears doesn't actually leave you feeling any better.

There’s a big difference between someone having a bad time and someone constantly bloody moaning about absolutely everything, though.

It’s selfish and unrealistic to expect someone else to listen to your constant stream of complaints.

I have a friend who moaned about a friend of hers who kept doing things like that. The trying to find solutions to problems her friend didn't really want solutions to, even as she was getting into loads of debt was frustrating her. As an outsider I could see that it was none of my friends business but she is very black and white and could see an obvious solution and kept telling her friend that she was being ripped off left right and centre ( she was) but her trying to offer solutions to the moaning just pissed both of them off. She even called social services about her but was also told it was none free of her business! I don't think they speak much now either. Ironically my friend is a bit of a moaner but it can sometimes be quite relaxing if you know there is no solution. I would just sit with her at dinner and not have to speak much just listen to her ( mostly dating) woes, which was quite entertaining! She didn't want me to tell her to stop going after unavailable douchebags. She just wanted to moan about it.

I think I understand that POV. If I had a friend who was very ill who I didn't see every day, but the last time I saw them they had a terrible headache etc, the headache might be gone for them that evening but for me I'd be worrying about their headache and what if it was something worse when they may have forgotten about the original ailment.

A bit of moaning is fine, if it's just a matter of getting something off your chest, we all do that occasionally.
But I have two close friends, one male, one female and I do tend to avoid them when they're as you describe, as don't want my mood brought down. It gets too much and very wearing when it's continual.
I have a lot going on right now, which I rarely moan about and quite honestly, I really really could! One thing in particular is quite scary and life changing. But beyond answering the question "how are you doing?" I tend to remain upbeat.
Someone continually whining on, when they actually have a lot to be thankful for if they sat back and took stock, isn't good for me, I've suffered depression in the past and it took me a long time to get to where I am.
Nobody wants to listen to that continual drone when you meet friends you're expecting to have a good time with!

I have a friend that is constantly moaning. She is negative 90% of the time and it's honestly draining. I've recently taken a massive step back from her.

It's not because I don't want to support her. I want to be the sort of friend that is there for people in the bad times as well as the good. But from listening to her moan over the years I've come to realise that she doesn't actually want advice or solutions, she wants to use me as a sort of emotional sink that she can pour all of her complaints into and that is draining.

I've got some real problems at the moment. As everyone has. Bereavement, redundancy, family fallouts etc the works. But if I try and talk about that she brings it back to her and her own issues. I'm honestly done with it.

If you have noticed people distancing themselves from you then you are clearly moaning too much. It's exhausting and everyone has problems so they can't constantly listen to yours as well as deal with their own.

A work colleague was a constant drain on everyone and people just stopped asking her or involving her in social events as she was so negative. I’d genuinely support someone if depressed or ill but this was just her personality.

It is tiresome and once or twice people will try and empathise, but if it’s always like this then naturally people will avoid. There is only so much “oohh I’m sorry u’re going through that” one can offer.. do you ask how people are in general? I find the colleagues and family who whine a lot are a little ‘woe is me, give me attention’… so, it is tedious keeping up.

They probably feel a negative energy coming from you and that can be detrimental to someone who may have enough of their own problems, or are feeling quite happy with themselves and don’t need to be dragged down. I’m a good listener and support my friends but if it becomes the same old moans and they’re not doing anything to remedy their situation, it can be off putting.

I personally find negativity incredibly hard to deal with; I’m a very positive person and I resent spending all my time trying to jolly someone along. (Please note, I’m not talking about depression, just constant glass half emptyness).

Because people who constantly moan, ARE draining! Frequently they do nothing to change their situation, even when friends and family offer suggestions and are initially sympathetic.

My mother is and always has been negative; it’s exhausting and miserable. Not a fan of being around her. My Dad always said she wasn’t happy unless she had something to moan about 🤪 sad but true.