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Original poster

How to make it fair?!

208 replies

littlemousebigcheese · 14/07/2025 17:16

Ok I understand this might be ridiculous but I can’t think of a solution. My daughter (8) received some money for her birthday, £45 in total. My son (5) has his birthday near to hers and didn’t get any as he’s younger maybe, or his friends gave gifts at his party instead of money in a card which seems to be more common as they get older?
anyway! Daughter has £45, son has nothing. She would like to go to a toy shop and spend her cash, lovely, all fine but what do I do about my son?! One idea is I just give him some money to spend but then that doesn’t seem fair that she’s spending her own cash when he just gets some from us?! Husband said she could give him half of hers but that seems unfair too? FIL thinks it’s a life lesson but I think 5 is a bit too young to learn about the harsh realities of life being unfair 😂😅 so not massively keen on that idea either.
I know this is prob such a non issue but I can’t figure out what to do. He would be upset to get nothing if she gets to choose lots for herself. Is there a way to do this fairly?!

OP posts:
ShakespearesSisters · 14/07/2025 17:21

Will he give her half of his presents? Just need to explain your friends chose your toys and your daughters gave the chance to choose her own.

BendingSpoons · 14/07/2025 17:23

It seems very unfair to suggest your DD shares her birthday money. I would take her to the shop alone and then explain to your DS that these are the presents she got with her birthday money and he has X Y and Z.

alexalisten · 14/07/2025 17:24

My god dont take half her birthday money to give to son thats awful. You're son can be upset as he wants its her money he got toys

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ConShine · 14/07/2025 17:25

Good lord, you do nothing of course.

This is a tale as old as time and something that kids have to learn.

If your DD is feeling generous, she might buy him a small pocket money toy, which would be a nice thing to do.

But other than that, you just leave it.

vincettenoir · 14/07/2025 17:27

In this situation I would take the dd shopping without ds but bring him back some slime or some Lego or something along those lines he will like.

evtheria · 14/07/2025 17:29

ConShine · 14/07/2025 17:25

Good lord, you do nothing of course.

This is a tale as old as time and something that kids have to learn.

If your DD is feeling generous, she might buy him a small pocket money toy, which would be a nice thing to do.

But other than that, you just leave it.

Yep, agreed. At this age he may struggle to connect her buying nice toys with him receiving nice toys, but it doesn’t mean you then actually make it unfair!
Point out she is choosing her own birthday presents, he gets his already wrapped up and ready to play with, and repeat (ad nauseam….)

Hercisback1 · 14/07/2025 17:31

You leave it. He's 5 years not 5 months. Not too young to understand "you had presents on your birthday, once you get older, sometimes people give you money and you can choose a present".

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 14/07/2025 17:32

You don’t need to make it fair. It’s not his birthday!

Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice · 14/07/2025 17:34

This is where he learns that he doesn't always get just because she does. Explain that it's her birthday and that's her birthday money to do what she likes and that he'll get his chance.

100% do not give him her birthday money thats uncalled for.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/07/2025 17:36

I don’t see the issue. Yes your kids received different types of presents for their birthdays but they both received lovely presents.

And I think you risk damaging your relationship with DD by trying to make up to your son the fact that he didn’t get money. When he’s 8 he will probably get money. Tell him that. Do nothing other than take DD shopping without DS.

stichguru · 14/07/2025 17:38

What you do is find a time to take your daughter shopping without your son. Your son did not have nothing - you said he had presents instead of money. It's common that people would buy toys for 8 year olds, who are generally less fussy about what they get, and don't understand the value of money, but money for teenagers who are fussier and do. Plus there are lots of fairly generic toys that suit a 8 year old, a 14 year old is likely much more particular.

throwawaynametoday · 14/07/2025 17:40

Husband said she could give him half of hers but that seems unfair too?

What have I just read?!! What on EARTH is your DH thinking?! Please tell me he does not seriously think that this is a good solution??!

I would either, in order of preference
A) leave DS at home when you take your DD shopping
B) give your DS a few pounds as a little treat so he can make a small purchase for himself
C) do nothing

I'd do B if your DS is likely to be pleased an excited by this. I'd then switch from B to C if DS makes a fuss about not having as much as his sister.

throwawaynametoday · 14/07/2025 17:44

Does your DH realise that what he is suggesting would be training your DD that she has to 'be kind' and sacrifice her own preferences and pleasures in the face of males stamping their feet and making unreasonable demands?

Callisto1 · 14/07/2025 17:44

We have similar all the time since there is a nearly 5 year age gap between our kids and older kids seem to get more vouchers/cash. We take the older one shopping without the younger one and explain it’s with birthday money/ vouchers.

We have to do this sort of stuff often as our older one has more of independence but also more responsibility to do stuff and help out. Being fair doesn’t mean everyone always gets the same.

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 14/07/2025 17:47

It truly is ridiculous that you can't see the solution.

He got presents on his birthday, she got cash to buy her own presents. He doesn't need a second set of presents.

Your husband is even more ridiculous. Is the boy his favourite?

dancemom · 14/07/2025 17:50

Your son got toys

your daughter got money

how to make it fair?

it already is fair

Arlanymor · 14/07/2025 17:52

Hercisback1 · 14/07/2025 17:31

You leave it. He's 5 years not 5 months. Not too young to understand "you had presents on your birthday, once you get older, sometimes people give you money and you can choose a present".

This 100%.

Dontknowwhattocall13893 · 14/07/2025 17:53

No need to make it fair as it already is fair. They both got their gifts.

Suggesting he gets her money would be outrageously unfair

ClunkyPigeon · 14/07/2025 17:54

I might be wrong but I bet your husband wouldn’t suggest splitting the money if it belonged to your son.

Anyway, this isn’t even a dilemma. The situation is already fair, no rebalancing in order. To avoid a bit of upset, you could take your daughter alone. But other than that, everyone is overreacting ridiculously.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 14/07/2025 17:54

Did your daughter get presents on your sons birthday to make it 'fair'? Thought not...

Overthebow · 14/07/2025 17:56

But he got presents from his friends instead of money, so he’s already got toys. Take dd shopping to spend her money, buy him a little present from the shopping trip if you feel like you need to.

Lafufufu · 14/07/2025 17:58

dancemom · 14/07/2025 17:50

Your son got toys

your daughter got money

how to make it fair?

it already is fair

This.

The only unfair thing is dragging him to a toyshop to watch his sister buy toys.
One of you take your DD out and one of you take your son to the park or whatever...

Edit: you should take her to get the toys given your DH made the ridiculous suggestion of forcing her to give away part of her birthday money so he'll probably try and guilt her into getting her brother "a gift" if he takes her 🙄

ThejoyofNC · 14/07/2025 18:01

If you start this type of thing you are on a VERY slippery slope.

One of you can take her to the toy shop to spend her birthday money. He can stay home with the other parent. Even as an adult I'd find it miserable to walk around a shop I couldn't buy anything from so I probably wouldn't inflict that on him.

Ponderingwindow · 14/07/2025 18:02

She is older and is going to have opportunities arise that are not available to him yet. This is one of those opportunities. It’s not her fault she has a younger sibling.

the best way to handle it is to take her shopping and not bring the younger child. That way he doesn’t have to watch her shop while also looking at toys he can’t buy.

AnotherForumUser · 14/07/2025 18:03

Don't steal money from your daughter to give it to her brother (who I imagine will be keeping all of his own presents). Your twattish git of a husband thinks she should share it equally with her little brother! Knock that idea on the head hard. Just why should your daughter sacrifice her stuff for the all important brother? Sadly it's no surprise a misogynistic billy big balls suggested that corker-bet he didn't whine that his golden child should give up half of his presents for the worthless female sibling. It is way past time misogynistic shits stopped assuming that the females must make the sacrifices so the males can gain extra (in this case extra plastic crap). Be kind only ever goes one way. Why not suggest to you stupid husband that instead you'll take half the presents your son got to give to your daughter while she keeps all of her gifts. Bet he'd squeal as loudly as your son would at that unfairness. So why is it acceptable the other way around?