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Original poster

How to make it fair?!

208 replies

littlemousebigcheese · 14/07/2025 17:16

Ok I understand this might be ridiculous but I can’t think of a solution. My daughter (8) received some money for her birthday, £45 in total. My son (5) has his birthday near to hers and didn’t get any as he’s younger maybe, or his friends gave gifts at his party instead of money in a card which seems to be more common as they get older?
anyway! Daughter has £45, son has nothing. She would like to go to a toy shop and spend her cash, lovely, all fine but what do I do about my son?! One idea is I just give him some money to spend but then that doesn’t seem fair that she’s spending her own cash when he just gets some from us?! Husband said she could give him half of hers but that seems unfair too? FIL thinks it’s a life lesson but I think 5 is a bit too young to learn about the harsh realities of life being unfair 😂😅 so not massively keen on that idea either.
I know this is prob such a non issue but I can’t figure out what to do. He would be upset to get nothing if she gets to choose lots for herself. Is there a way to do this fairly?!

OP posts:
JustSawJohnny · 15/07/2025 12:23

Especially as he did share his presents!

Problem solved, OP!

He didn't actually 'share' his presents - he shared opening them and playing with them with his sister.

Take DD shopping, let her pick a few bits, buy some nice wrapping paper and tell her you can wrap them together so she can enjoy opening them with her brother and playing with him..

It sounds like she'll enjoy that, too.

Maybe pick up some little cakes and let them have a moment, it'll be fine, honestly.

sarah419 · 15/07/2025 14:04

to take your five year old to a toy store and not let him buy anything is very harsh. keep him home with another adult and take your daughter to spend her money. also, an opportunity to teach your daughter about saving perhaps? perhaps you put £20 towards each present as long as your daughter saves £20 in a piggy bank or savings account? Also an opportunity to teacher her about charity? giving £5 to a charity?

commonsense61 · 15/07/2025 15:04

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Laura95167 · 15/07/2025 18:04

He got his toys for his birthday, her friends were unsure what she wanted so gave her money and were going to let her pick hers. You already have yours

Lollipop81 · 15/07/2025 18:08

I always give my other child a small amount to spend like £10 when the other has birthday money. Mine is easier though as they are a year apart and both boys, so whatever the Birthday child is buying the other child would choose too 🤣

Duechristmas · 15/07/2025 18:47

He's plenty old enough, and it's your job to support him to understand it, don't fall for favouritism now, it won't end well

throwawaynametoday · 15/07/2025 18:56

mickandrorty · 15/07/2025 05:54

Going to the toy shop is such fun when you're little, I would just let him pick something little as a nice treat for the start of the holidays, I would say that as well so there's no connection to birthdays. He's only 5 not everything has to be a life lesson, 1 little toy isn't going to turn him into an entitled spoilt monster!

I agree with this. Sometimes parents are so eager to teach their children 'life lessons', that they forget that life outside of their family (especially at school) is likely to be teaching them plenty of tough lessons already, without parents needing to ram the message home.

Personally I think small acts of kindness and generosity towards children go a lot further in nurturing their own generosity than imposing rigid rules about what they do and don't "deserve".

If you're trying to make things "fair" to avoid a tantrum, then clearly that's going to be a BIG problem. But if you just want to give your DS a little treat and so he can share some of the excitement of his big sister's shopping trip, then personally I think that's absolutely the right thing to do. But not because to make things "fair" - fairness doesn't come into it. But because you love him, and DD loves him, and sometimes it's just nice to treat the people we love. Isn't that a better lesson to be teaching?

GiveDogBone · 15/07/2025 18:57

A 5 year kid should be able to understand that his sister got money and is going to buy her own presents, whereas he got presents direct. He hardly needs to be shielded from it, nor does he in any way have to be compensated for any perceived “wrong” which there hasn’t actually been. Jeez.

JJMama · 15/07/2025 18:58

Never heard of anything so ridiculous! There’s no ‘making it fair’; one child has a birthday and they receive what they receive! You don’t have to make up to the other one!

What a pointless drama over nothing!

Chinsupmeloves · 15/07/2025 19:39

She has money gifts to spend on her presents, he has presents. Maybe just her on her own so DS doesn't feel resentful, as he won't understand 🤔

pineapplecrushed · 15/07/2025 19:50

????? I wouldn't do anything?
He's 5 and he will get the same when he is 8.
This is a non problem.

OohhhhhBigStretch · 15/07/2025 20:01

No, I wouldn’t give my ds money to compensate for not getting any on his birthday. He for gifts instead of money.

It’s her birthday, he doesn’t need to get anything, and I agree with your FIL that he needs to understand and get used to other people getting things on their birthdays without him also have gifts to compensate

Mumoftwoandcats · 15/07/2025 20:01

Her birthday money, not his. Take your DD to the toyshop when your DS is doing something else so it’s not like she’s rubbing his nose in it. I’m afraid it’s just life.

Helen483 · 15/07/2025 20:36

Well I think this is time to teach your daughter about saving. I think for an 8 yo £45 is quite a lot of money; you should allow her to spend some of it and put the rest into savings (for something bigger that she might want in the future).

As to whether it's fair or not ... did she get lots of money when she was 5? No, I thought not. That's how you explain it to your son.

lilkitten · 15/07/2025 20:43

I think it's just a life lesson for him - he will have had presents instead, she has had money. I remember being upset that my friend had pocket money and I didn't, but my mum pointed out she bought me things instead of that (which was true). It is more common for older kids to get money, I don't think it's fair on your DD to split it

arcticpandas · 15/07/2025 21:31

@littlemousebigcheese You sound like a wonderful mum. Your children are lucky to have you.💗

Jumpers4goalposts · 15/07/2025 22:00

If it were me I’d give them both a tenner for the toy shop then he’d have money to spend as well. They’d just have different amounts and that’s it.

BambinaCucina · 15/07/2025 22:22

When I was somewhere between the ages of 8-10, my mum took my sister and me out to buy Christmas presents for our family. I had saved up my money and my sister had spent all of hers. My mum made me give her half of the money that I'd saved.

My sister then left her purse, complete with half of my money, sitting on a shelf in the first shop we went into. Someone subsequently pinched it, but I digress.

Anyway, this was over 30 years ago. Your daughter won't forget that you made her give her money away.

You just need to tell your son that this was your daughters birthday present from her friends and his are at home.

Ozmumofboys3 · 15/07/2025 22:26

Oh god this isn’t even a dilemma! It’s what happens when one has a birthday! He enjoyed getting his gifts?? You take her to the toy shop on her own with ALL her money and let her choose what she wants. And if your son does say anything just point out he got his gifts. You can’t keep things exactly fair and equal as a parent and you’ll exhaust yourself if you try!!

thelonghaul · 15/07/2025 22:46

Are you being serious?!!!!

She's gets to spend her birthday money.
He gets to play with his birthday presents.

End of.

Get a grip.

huuskymam · 15/07/2025 22:53

Explain to him he already had his birthday and got lovely presents instead of money. Take your daughter shopping on her own. Don't know what your dh is thinking by asking half her birthday money to give to someone whose birthday it isn't???? When my kids were younger, I would encourage the birthday child to buy the others a small present to show they were being thought of, nothing big or expensive, a gift for 3/4 euro is seen as the best thing in the world by a young child.

Sage71 · 16/07/2025 06:00

You do nothing he had presents on his birthday which if it was recently he will remember and now she is choosing her presents as her friends are letting her choose herself.

Atina321 · 16/07/2025 06:42

vincettenoir · 14/07/2025 17:27

In this situation I would take the dd shopping without ds but bring him back some slime or some Lego or something along those lines he will like.

Why does he need anything? He got toys for his birthday! He can play with them.

jasminocereusbritannicus · 16/07/2025 06:59

It would not ever have occurred to me , when my three were little, that there should be any guilt attached to them taking any birthday money to be spent!
There should be absolutely no discussion about it. It is how it is. I can’t bear this “everyone must be equal/share”…life just doesn’t work like that. You can teach kindness without forcing children to give things up..
Envy is a valid emotion like any other, but you have to learn to deal with it.
I’m envious of people with grandchildren, but I sure as heck don’t begrudge people with them… that’s just my lot in life at the moment!

Deboragh · 16/07/2025 08:09

vincettenoir · 14/07/2025 17:27

In this situation I would take the dd shopping without ds but bring him back some slime or some Lego or something along those lines he will like.

Why? It's not his birthday. He's got his toys, she's getting hers.