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Original poster

How to make it fair?!

208 replies

littlemousebigcheese · 14/07/2025 17:16

Ok I understand this might be ridiculous but I can’t think of a solution. My daughter (8) received some money for her birthday, £45 in total. My son (5) has his birthday near to hers and didn’t get any as he’s younger maybe, or his friends gave gifts at his party instead of money in a card which seems to be more common as they get older?
anyway! Daughter has £45, son has nothing. She would like to go to a toy shop and spend her cash, lovely, all fine but what do I do about my son?! One idea is I just give him some money to spend but then that doesn’t seem fair that she’s spending her own cash when he just gets some from us?! Husband said she could give him half of hers but that seems unfair too? FIL thinks it’s a life lesson but I think 5 is a bit too young to learn about the harsh realities of life being unfair 😂😅 so not massively keen on that idea either.
I know this is prob such a non issue but I can’t figure out what to do. He would be upset to get nothing if she gets to choose lots for herself. Is there a way to do this fairly?!

OP posts:
ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 14/07/2025 22:03

Why should a girl have to share her birthday money with a boy while the boy keeps his toys? What message are you giving your dd? That she has to be a people pleaser while your son grows up with a sense of entitlement. Think about it op, really bad optics and reinforcing gender disparities.

Droplet789 · 14/07/2025 22:04

I would give you daughter £5 extra and then buy your son a small toy costing £5. Then both kids have had the same from you, both have new toys. Do not make her give him any of her money as she won’t want any of his toys. Take her shopping without him

AmIChubby · 14/07/2025 22:07

littlemousebigcheese · 14/07/2025 20:02

Thanks all, sometimes it’s hard to see clearly 😂 I wouldn’t make her give him money, don’t worry. She’s a very young 8, autistic and with some other conditions and she often gives him things so it was more my husband suggesting it because she’d probably do it anyway. He does share his toys to be fair, they’ve both played with all the bits he got for his birthday! Lots of action figures and Lego which they both like.
completely agree that toy shop would be easier as a solo trip but not very possible as it’s summer holidays and my husband works so hard to find time when I’m just with her but will try that!
she absolutely should not give in to a male tantrum or be taught that her wants and needs are secondary to a man’s; I’m very feminist and this just wouldn’t happen here. If anything, he’s the poor maligned one as she gets a lot of focus and attention due to her needs.

I think I'm in the minority but I would get your son something. Give him a small bit of money to get something small and lead him to the cheap items. If you want to add a lesson to it, let him earn it a week or so before you go to the toy shop so that its his money for good behaviour, chores or going to bed without a fuss. To a 5 year old, his birthday presents are a distant memory and he wont understand your logic of your fairness. He will think we went to the toy shop, my sister got something and I got nothing. The feminism part of the post 🤯??? Honestly, thats too deep of a read on it for me, but each to their own. They are kids. My older child definitely wouldn't want their sibling left out whilst at a toy shop and I wouldn't either. I would prefer to have control of the situation, use it to my advantage and have both kids happy.

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TrustyRusty68 · 14/07/2025 22:08

The way you’ve written your post shows that you already know the answer. 2 choices here - explain to your son what’s going on or have a girls day and take your daughter out without her brother to spend her birthday money. Under no circumstances should she have to share her birthday money with her brother!!

SheridansPortSalut · 14/07/2025 22:09

He got presents for his birthday. Whatever she buys now is her birthday present. That's fair.
Don't teach him that he gets presents on other peoples birthdays. That's ridiculous.

Your husband clearly has a favourite.

MaryTheTurtle · 14/07/2025 22:12

It’s her birthday money, can’t she go with you or DH as a special day out. Your sons birthday he goes out for a special day.
Why should she share her money with her brother.

Do you always treat them this way. Birthdays are their one special day that’s all theirs.

andfinallyhereweare · 14/07/2025 22:14

Fair doesn’t mean the same. Your daughter got money, he got gifts. That’s fair. No one is missing out… just take your daughter out to spend her money without your son. Otherwise you’re teaching him entitlement. “We’re taking dd out to spend her bday money! why does she get new toys? You got new toys for your birthday and dd got money, she’s now picking her new toys.” End of conversation.

JustSawJohnny · 14/07/2025 22:14

Total non-issue.

Just take DD shopping without DS.

By the time he reaches her age he'll start getting money in cards too, probably.

She shouldn't be sharing a penny and neither should you be compensating him. It's not his birthday so he's not due anything. If he cries, he cries, but honestly I don't see why he needs to know.

If DD is the type to rub it in his face then maybe have a word with her beforehand.

defrazzled · 14/07/2025 22:16

It is fair.

JRM17 · 14/07/2025 22:16

I really wonder why some people are allowed to procreate when they make such big issues out of raising children. Your 5yr old needs to learn for god sake. He got presents, if he'd rather have money then tell him next birthday he won't get any gifts. It's not hard.

Idontneedanotherhero · 14/07/2025 22:20

stichguru · 14/07/2025 17:38

What you do is find a time to take your daughter shopping without your son. Your son did not have nothing - you said he had presents instead of money. It's common that people would buy toys for 8 year olds, who are generally less fussy about what they get, and don't understand the value of money, but money for teenagers who are fussier and do. Plus there are lots of fairly generic toys that suit a 8 year old, a 14 year old is likely much more particular.

Edited

Not sure which original post you were reading?

Purpleturtle45 · 14/07/2025 22:21

You take the child with the money to the toy shop to spend it and one of you stays with your son.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 14/07/2025 22:26

My brother, three years younger, always got a gift on my birthday 'so he doesn't feel left out'.

I didn't get anything on his birthday, six weeks later.

So if I'm honest I would say it's a good opportunity for your son to learn that sometimes his sister comes first, and at other times he comes first. In a couple of years, he'll be getting birthday money too.

gamerchick · 14/07/2025 22:28

Mama daughter day out shopping.

Julimia · 14/07/2025 22:29

Cant see whats unfair here. One of life's lessons. Never too soon to start. Son got presents probably worth more in money terms. Would take your daughter to spend her money by herself. No need to encourage an 'its not fair ' outburst.

milesmachine · 14/07/2025 22:31

This seems like a non issue? Take her on her own to pick out toys. Don’t make your son come and watch! Then when she comes back, ‘these are the toys she got for her birthday’

I have a 5 yr old DS and he would absolutely understand if his sibling got/bought toys for their birthday and he got nothing. He might not like it… but he would understand it.

And that’s something all kids need to get used to

ItsAMoooPoint · 14/07/2025 22:34

If you can't take your daughter on her own (understandable during the summer hols!) you could give them both eg £10 each so your little one can buy something small and your older one doesn't feel like it's unfair?

However, I do think it's perfectly ok to just give the little one a bit of money and explain to your older one that you would do the same for her if the roles were reversed. I think that's a nicer lesson to be teaching than to teach a 5 year old that life isn't fair by going to a toy shop without him being able to buy anything. That would be torture! Even if he did understand it and was ok with it, I would feel so mean 🙈

Kayakerpaddleboarder · 14/07/2025 22:35

I can't believe what I am reading. Talk about how to make children selfish and spoilt. Why on earth should your daughter have to give half her birthday money to her brother, because he got presents for his birthday, instead of money like she did? What an absolutely outrageous suggestion. Tell the 5 year old the truth. He got lovely presents she got none, but had money instead. Why does there have to be such drama? I really feel sorry for your daughter if you show such blatant preference for your sons feelings and completely disregard hers. Shameful behaviour.

Bellyblueboy · 14/07/2025 22:37

littlemousebigcheese · 14/07/2025 20:02

Thanks all, sometimes it’s hard to see clearly 😂 I wouldn’t make her give him money, don’t worry. She’s a very young 8, autistic and with some other conditions and she often gives him things so it was more my husband suggesting it because she’d probably do it anyway. He does share his toys to be fair, they’ve both played with all the bits he got for his birthday! Lots of action figures and Lego which they both like.
completely agree that toy shop would be easier as a solo trip but not very possible as it’s summer holidays and my husband works so hard to find time when I’m just with her but will try that!
she absolutely should not give in to a male tantrum or be taught that her wants and needs are secondary to a man’s; I’m very feminist and this just wouldn’t happen here. If anything, he’s the poor maligned one as she gets a lot of focus and attention due to her needs.

This makes your husbands suggestion worse.

you should be gently teaching her to stand up for herself - not taking advantage of her!

how is your husband generally with her? Does he favour your son? Are there other things he does that seem off or unfair?

PorridgeAndSyrup · 14/07/2025 22:38

If (big if) you give your son anything, give him a fiver to buy a token toy, but if you do that, you must give your daughter an extra fiver too, to make it fair.
But you don't need to.

Love51 · 14/07/2025 22:41

Your DH is crackers.
I've tried very hard to bring my kids up to understand that something lovely happening to their sibling is not on anyway detrimental to them, and to encourage them to celebrate each other's good fortune. I've ended up with kids who are way more generous with each other than most (me and my sibling as kids, and DH and his). They'd do stuff like voluntarily share their sweets from a party bag, or buy each other a cake from a bake sale, and generally make sure the other is OK.
Your daughter having money to spend has absolutely nothing to do with your son. It doesn't disadvantage him in any way. There may even be some residual benefits - she might share the new toy or hand down an old one it is replacing. It would be really sad if he grew up thinking that nice stuff happening to her was something to feel anything other than pleased about.

PorridgeAndSyrup · 14/07/2025 22:42

PorridgeAndSyrup · 14/07/2025 22:38

If (big if) you give your son anything, give him a fiver to buy a token toy, but if you do that, you must give your daughter an extra fiver too, to make it fair.
But you don't need to.

Tbh, I don't think it would be a bad idea to give them both an extra fiver, if you have to go toy shopping with both of them. As a pp said, even for an adult it would be miserable spending ages watching other people shop when you can't buy anything, and you could tell them it's a one-off summer holiday treat or something. But make sure your son understands your daughter is buying her birthday presents with her birthday money.

freerangethighs · 14/07/2025 22:48

It's already fair. But don't take your son along when your daughter goes to spend her money, one adult can go with the daughter on the shopping trip and the other do something else with the son. If he specifically asks why has he not got birthday money to spend, tell him that he got presents and daughter, being a little older, got fewer presents up front and also got the extra work of choosing one or two of her presents. If he persists, assure him that next year he can have money in lieu of some of his presents if he wants - and if he does want after thinking about it, follow through.

Keepingoin · 14/07/2025 22:48

Whether it's to do with party invitations, gifts or themes etc birthdays seem to be a never ending issue often causing more stress than pleasure for all concerned. On this occasion I would do as other posters have suggested. I would explain to my son he had his birthday & received lovely presents. Some people give a little money in a card & leave it at that. There is far too much emphasis on birthdays nowadays with celebrations becoming bigger & more competitive every year. When my children were school age if I had accepted every invitation that arrived our family life would have involved around buying gifts & attending parties every other weekend. They were allowed to attend around 4 a year. The rest of the birthday boys & girls who sent invitations were given a card during school hours. My children were no less popular & we were happy with removing the constant stress of it all.

Hankunamatata · 14/07/2025 22:48

Er no. Your son had his birthday and got gifts. Your daughter had her birthday and got money, she absolutely does not have to share her money.

And no 5 isn't too young to understand that it was his sisters birthday and her money to spend.

I always took mine shopping to let them pick a gift from them to their sibling for theor birthday to get them in good habits

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