Page 5 | How to make it fair?!

Fedupdoc · 14/07/2025 22:50

I don’t really understand how it’s any different to her getting toys as it’s her birthday and him not?

Ibelievetheworldisburningtotheground · 14/07/2025 22:52

Suspect you and your husband didn't fret over the birthday presents your son received and suggest he give half of them to his sister, so why the fuck would you expect her to hand over half of hers?

LBFseBrom · 14/07/2025 22:55

ShakespearesSisters · 14/07/2025 17:21

Will he give her half of his presents? Just need to explain your friends chose your toys and your daughters gave the chance to choose her own.

I agree. Do you have to take them together, can your daughter not just go with you - 'boring girls shopping' - and son stay at home with dad or go somewhere else? She definitely should not have to share her birthday money but if she treats her brother to a little gift, that would be nice and it would make him happy.

EatMoreChocolate44 · 14/07/2025 22:56

My daughter is 9 and my son is 5. She got lots of birthday money. We went to spend it at the toy shop and he accepted that (same thing the year before). He understood the reason why she had money and he didn't. She also passed her violin exam recently . Her nanny gave her £20 and he got nothing. I do think his nanny could have given him something smaller, he'd be happy with £5 but at the same time she worked really hard and her nanny wanted to reward her hard work so it was her choice. Again he accepted the reasons why. It does seem unfair but that's life. I think it's fine for kids to be disappointed or realise that they won't get exactly the same as everyone else. We do have to prepare our kids gently as we can for real life. I am a primary school teacher and we do have a lot of entitled children (& parents) who can't cope with disappointment and can become emotional and frustrated when things don't go their way. They need to be taught coping strategies.

LBFseBrom · 14/07/2025 22:58

That's a very sensible post, EatMoreChocolate.

DisforDarkChocolate · 14/07/2025 22:59

It's already fair, they both got birthday presents.

Leave it all alone.

Globules · 14/07/2025 23:01

throwawaynametoday · 14/07/2025 17:44

Does your DH realise that what he is suggesting would be training your DD that she has to 'be kind' and sacrifice her own preferences and pleasures in the face of males stamping their feet and making unreasonable demands?

I know this is completely off topic, but what you've described reminds me of the moral of the "The Rainbow Fish" story

I cannot stand that book.

Be kind and make friends by self destruction and doing what the childish bullies want you to do by giving away that which to want to keep.

Awful awful story.

Anyway... Back to the thread...

mathsquestions · 14/07/2025 23:02

Agree with everyone not to take anything away from DD. But maybe an opportunity to teach DD kind behavior and not to rub it in DS’s face and show him everything she’s bought in one go.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 14/07/2025 23:04

Are you planning on making everything fair all the way through their childhood? There's nothing unfair about this situation, they just got different things for their birthdays. Don't make a big deal out of normal situations or they'll struggle with real life.

Rainbows41 · 14/07/2025 23:04

Are you serious?
Is this a serious post?

She has birthday money, he has toys. End of.

nunsflipflop · 14/07/2025 23:09

They have to learn that not all birthday gifts are given in the same way. He has had his birthday and got lovely gifts such as….his DSis got mostly money and now she wants to spend her birthday money.

My ex DIL Always gave my dgs a gift equal to his sister on her birthday. On his birthday my DGD got nothing extra. Please don’t start this, they are entitled to their own special day, and their own gifts

Tootsiroll · 14/07/2025 23:13

I honestly don't think your son will have an issue if you explain it in a way a five year old will understand. They each have a birthday, they each got different things, that's it You could set the wrong precedent and give him the wrong impression if you attempt to make it "fair"

Edenmum2 · 14/07/2025 23:16

Take her to the shop to spend the money and get DH to take son somewhere nice at the same time.

AliceMcK · 14/07/2025 23:17

Absolutely she should not give her money away!

When mine were like this we’d either do seperate trips or allow the youngest to get something small. At 5 he could earn some spending money, help do a couple of jobs to get something small money to spend at the toy shop. For my youngests 6th birthday she got her own GoHenry card and pocket money for doing chores. She’d been begging for one so she could have her own money like her sisters. She already had a money box she’d earn 50p/£1 for doing jobs but felt grown up with her own bank account.

I also do agree with FIL he’s at an age where he needs to understand his sister is spending her own money, but also understand he may be upset she got cash he didn’t.

Flamingos89 · 14/07/2025 23:23

My mum use to always get either me or my sister a small gift on the other one’s birthday when we were younger children.

I mean I appreciate we probably would have been fine to not get anything and ‘suck it up’ - as many seem to be suggesting here that your son should do - but I look back and think it was really nice actually and it made us really look forward to eachothers birthdays.

OR if you don’t want to do that, you could not take your son to the toy shop and the other parent take him to a soft play or do a fun activity with him instead. I think taking him to a toy shop and watching his sister buy a load of presents when he is just 5 might be abit much

Namechangerage · 14/07/2025 23:31

I’d give them both an amount from you - say £15. He gets to buy Lego or something. Maybe encouraging your DD not to spend all of it is wise too.

Namechangerage · 14/07/2025 23:32

Or like others said, just go separately. You only need an hour or so for the toy shop surely?

Namechangerage · 14/07/2025 23:34

It shouldn’t be difficult unless your DP works every day? Next day off where kids aren’t at school, you and DD go out to get some shopping. Combine it with food shopping on way back so it’s not too obvious. Maybe get a little something for your DS. Like a £5 thing

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 14/07/2025 23:35

It’s really straightforward- you explain to your youngest that he had lots of lovely toys for his birthday but eldest didn’t get as many toys because some people gave her money instead. And/or just take her to the toy shop without the youngest in tow so he won’t even realise he’s “missing out”.

Verbena17 · 15/07/2025 00:04

You know that not everything has to be equal?
He’ll have toys which he prefers. So as others suggested, take your DD just you and her and have a nice trip out if she wants to buy something with it.

Or if you’re that worried, tell her to save her money in her money box and then you give them the same amount each from you to spend at same time (this won’t teach them as much).

Neverlookback32 · 15/07/2025 00:10

FIL is right. Dont get in the way of a crucial life lesson. Otherwise you'll make a rod for your own back and wonder why your kids act like spoilt brats later on in life. Take your daughter to spend her money. You could also assign your son some chores to earn a small amount of pocket money to spend. But please dont force your daughter to share her money, that was gifted to her and so its not your place to force her to give it away just to appease her brother who had his own birthday gifts. I would hate my parents forever if they did this to me and would feel it was clear who the favourite child was.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 15/07/2025 00:16

No no no! She is buying her birthday presents, he already got his. Also no to giving a little present to the other sibling on a birthday. No to singing a second happy birthday and blowing out more candles because someone wants it to be their birthday too. Even if the child doesn't quite get it and throws a strop, it's always got to be a no.

Original poster

littlemousebigcheese · 15/07/2025 00:27

He did and does share his toys, including birthday ones. Part of the fun for him was unwrapping with his sister and them playing with them together. We didn’t expect him to or ask him to, they just like to share. As I mentioned she is a very young 8, dr said that cognitively she is closer to 5.
we don’t favour my son, I love them both equally. Again, as mentioned, my daughter possibly gets more time, attention and one on one time due to the nature of her needs. I understand that equality isn’t about getting it exactly equal all the time. I’m also very aware of women being taught to placate men and make themselves smaller, give up parts of themselves to make men happy. This isn’t what’s happening here. It was a throwaway comment by my husband as I was fretting about the toy shop and saying I could do this or that and he said just split the money if it’s easier as she doesn’t know how much she has really. It wasn’t a case of she’s the girl, he’s the Lord and heir therefore he gets half her money. It was him trying to suggest something as I was worried.
I’m going to try and go with just her and if that doesn’t work I’ll give him a little something to spend. He wouldn’t understand that he’s had his presents therefore it’s the same - maybe he’s emotionally stunted or you all know very mature 5 year olds but he would just see her getting things and him not. Especially as he did share his presents! I really appreciate the comments. I worry a lot, obviously excessively. To anyone suggesting I’m single handedly raising a future generation of spoilt morons, I was just asking for suggestions on how to handle a situation I hadn’t been in before.

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VehicleTracker77 · 15/07/2025 00:56

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potenial · 15/07/2025 01:35

littlemousebigcheese · 14/07/2025 17:16

Ok I understand this might be ridiculous but I can’t think of a solution. My daughter (8) received some money for her birthday, £45 in total. My son (5) has his birthday near to hers and didn’t get any as he’s younger maybe, or his friends gave gifts at his party instead of money in a card which seems to be more common as they get older?
anyway! Daughter has £45, son has nothing. She would like to go to a toy shop and spend her cash, lovely, all fine but what do I do about my son?! One idea is I just give him some money to spend but then that doesn’t seem fair that she’s spending her own cash when he just gets some from us?! Husband said she could give him half of hers but that seems unfair too? FIL thinks it’s a life lesson but I think 5 is a bit too young to learn about the harsh realities of life being unfair 😂😅 so not massively keen on that idea either.
I know this is prob such a non issue but I can’t figure out what to do. He would be upset to get nothing if she gets to choose lots for herself. Is there a way to do this fairly?!

You explain it as "sometimes people give you money or presents for your birthday. You got lots of presents from your friends and family at your party. Your sister got some presents, and some money, so now she gets to spend the money."
If he cries or moans, you say something like "can you remember you got the red truck and the superman costume for your birthday? Aren't they great? you play with them all the time". If he's still upset "Maybe you'll get some money for your birthday next year"

You don't need a solution here, you just need to explain and be prepared to manage some emotions - things won't always be even between your kids as they're different ages - I'm sure at some point soon Daughter will be upset as she has homework and Son can just play, would you even that up by giving Son the same homework too?

How to make it fair?!

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