How to make it fair?!

[littlemousebigcheese]

Ok I understand this might be ridiculous but I can’t think of a solution. My daughter (8) received some money for her birthday, £45 in total. My son (5) has his birthday near to hers and didn’t get any as he’s younger maybe, or his friends gave gifts at his party instead of money in a card which seems to be more common as they get older?
anyway! Daughter has £45, son has nothing. She would like to go to a toy shop and spend her cash, lovely, all fine but what do I do about my son?! One idea is I just give him some money to spend but then that doesn’t seem fair that she’s spending her own cash when he just gets some from us?! Husband said she could give him half of hers but that seems unfair too? FIL thinks it’s a life lesson but I think 5 is a bit too young to learn about the harsh realities of life being unfair 😂😅 so not massively keen on that idea either.
I know this is prob such a non issue but I can’t figure out what to do. He would be upset to get nothing if she gets to choose lots for herself. Is there a way to do this fairly?!

I think this is an opportunity for you and your kids to learn that life isn't always equal and can't be made equal at all times - this is sometimes the way the cookie crumbles - no one is at fault for it not being equal - it's perfectly fair - she has some birthday money and gifts on her birthday and likewise for him - even if what they each receive is not the same or equal or equivalent - you are making a rod for your own back if you keep setting out to try and make things seem equal at all times - haven't you partly explained it yourself (before contradicting yourself) by saying he had some gifts instead of money (and then saying she has £45 and he has nothing) - life is uneven at times - it's nothing to do with fairness - life is like that - the sooner you all embrace the idea and learn to deal with it the better imho - is he really making a big fuss over this.. or is that all you? If it is him I think you ought to take the opportunity to damp down any talk in terms of fairness and highlight that life isn't always even - sometimes things work out unexpectedly and without reason in your favour.... and sometimes not - it's a good idea imho to demonstrate to him how you deal with this unevenness in life when you encounter it - learning to understand and accept that life is "like this" is a good lesson all round imho for you and your kids.

And - why does it matter so much - buying presents won't permanently make you child happy or happier?

At five years old there were many things I did not understand, but at five years old I understood that it was my sister’s birthday and not my birthday, and therefore I would not be receiving any gifts or cash.
That is not a concept which is terribly difficult to grasp.

I would give your son a fiver, and also add five pounds to your daughter’s birthday total. That way it’s fair to your daughter sans your son gets to choose something small too.

Your daughter was gifted this money, your son got presents instead. Not sure on the issue here at all. Let your daughter buy something and get on with it. FIL sounds the most sensible one in this situation, husband needs a slap.

Surely your DH doesn’t work seven days per week? Just take your DD for a girls shopping trip next time DH is off work and let him do something with DS. I agree it is a bit mean to drag a five year old round the shop watching his sister spend her birthday money.

Seriously wonder if this would have even been posted if the boy was older than the girl? I.e. if the scenario was reserved?

Smacks of daughters constantly having to sacrifice their own needs for sons/ men in general.

Please use this opportunity to - kindly - teach your son that he’s already had his birthday and his presents, and has no right to more presents OR (ffs) your daughters birthday money!!

This also teaches your daughter a valuable lesson that she will take into adult relationships - it’s okay to be treated kindly/ treat herself kindly/ put herself first sometimes.

Please, please don’t set a dangerous precedent that your son gets extra (even if it’s you providing it) just because…

This is insane. He gets nothing. HTH

So what did you give her on his birthday? Nothing! Just stop. It's Dd birthday not Ds's.

I'd buy him a small present too - not out of her money though!

Going to the toy shop is such fun when you're little, I would just let him pick something little as a nice treat for the start of the holidays, I would say that as well so there's no connection to birthdays. He's only 5 not everything has to be a life lesson, 1 little toy isn't going to turn him into an entitled spoilt monster!

There’s nothing unfair about the situation. You are punishing your daughter. Will your son give his presents to his sister? Why should your daughter have to give up her birthday presents?

He got gifts on his birthday, this is an important life reason as life isn’t always ‘fair’

She’s not going to get much for £45 in a toy shop!
why don’t you use the opportunity to open a savings account account and explain that to her?

To those saying the 5 yr should be able to understand that he has presents, and she had money so it’s already fair; remember his adult parents didn’t.

Simple solution, it's your DD's birthday money, not your son's so she gets to go shopping, he doesn't. Drives me crazy when you have the parents who buy their other kids a gift on one of their other's birthdays 'to make it fair'. No you teach your kids that one day a year is just for them!!

Your DD sounds like she has similar ASD traits to my DS

He's very lovely and loving, but you do actually have to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't give all his own stuff away etc! Kind of odd that you have to train a child to be more selfish but there we go. Maybe just something to watch out for in future

It's already fair he got toys she got cash I agree with FIL its a life lesson .
Your dh idea is ridiculous why should she share her bday money gifted by her friends is she going to be expected to give him half of everything she's ever given so he doesnt throw a paddy ?

How utterly ridiculous. Some parents actually seem to be afraid to say no or not pander to their kids or help their kids understand basic concepts and deal with disappointment or upset. It’s like they’re actively trying to raise spoilt selfish kids.

Don't be mad, that's her birthday gifts. You need to ensure they grow up knowing they're equally loved but don't have the same of everything, you can be treated fairly and equally without having identical things as another person. When they're older you don't want their happiness to depend on having the same car/house/holidays as everyone else, you need them to be happy with their own lot. It's an incredibly important life lesson about gratitude, not comparing themselves and being able to be happy with their own achievements and luck.
I wouldn't rub his face in it by making him watch her pick things out. Take her on a girls day, have lunch and buy some things whilst dad takes little brother on a boys day to soft play or cinema or something.

Welcome to life, little boy.
Take her on her own to the shop.

He is 5, give him some pocket money (like a fiver) and do not take any money off your daughter - like you said she got money he got presents

Christ.

You tell him that she is using her birthday gifts to buy her own toys.

I had 3 siblings growing up and none of us got bought/given anything on the others birthday because we understood it was their birthday, even if that was money instead of toys, ffs.

This trend of siblings recieving gifts on their siblings birthday needs to fuck off. Absolutely ridiculous.

It is fair, as they received what they received for their birthdays.

If your son doesn't have money to spend then can you just take your daughter to the shop?

Im going to hold your hand while I say this. This is a life lesson and your son needs to learn that in life he is not going to get everything that other people have? If you prevent him from learning this (which tbf sounds like what you’re doing), he will go through life and be spoilt, demanding and entitled. You’re teaching him that his sister can’t enjoy her birthday money unless she shares. I can’t believe you had to make this post, surely all parents know this????

“daughter has £45, son has nothing”
completely incorrect. This should say - daughter has £45 and son has lots of toys!!!