How to make it fair?!

[littlemousebigcheese]

Ok I understand this might be ridiculous but I can’t think of a solution. My daughter (8) received some money for her birthday, £45 in total. My son (5) has his birthday near to hers and didn’t get any as he’s younger maybe, or his friends gave gifts at his party instead of money in a card which seems to be more common as they get older?
anyway! Daughter has £45, son has nothing. She would like to go to a toy shop and spend her cash, lovely, all fine but what do I do about my son?! One idea is I just give him some money to spend but then that doesn’t seem fair that she’s spending her own cash when he just gets some from us?! Husband said she could give him half of hers but that seems unfair too? FIL thinks it’s a life lesson but I think 5 is a bit too young to learn about the harsh realities of life being unfair 😂😅 so not massively keen on that idea either.
I know this is prob such a non issue but I can’t figure out what to do. He would be upset to get nothing if she gets to choose lots for herself. Is there a way to do this fairly?!

You tell you son he got lovely toys to play with..."look you got this car and transformer off Jack and Jane...how lovley" and your daughter got money to spend instead and leave it at that

Of course he doesnt need money just cos she has.

It is a life lesson . Your ds got toy gifts and dd got money. I would just say ‘ds on your next birthday daddy and I / Grandparents can give you some money instead of one of your presents and you can go and spend it.

My mum told me a story of her childhood: when rationing had ended and shops were starting to get more stock after WWII her mum suggested a shopping trip together. She was so excited as all her life she had known poverty and sadness (dad killed in the war when she was 6).

Her mum took her shopping and they looked at lots of nice things. After a while her mum said to her, it was time to go home. And that she should never expect to be able to buy nice things - life wasn’t kind enough for that, and tears wouldn’t help.

It was a hard lesson, for a sad and traumatised little girl and she never forgot her bitter lesson that day.

But this is not your situation. Just give your son two pound coins and let him buy a token for himself. Or don’t take him along.

Of course you shouldn't give him money to get something as well.
Your gl daughter's just got money instead of toys. It happens sometimes.
Let her spend it.
An alternative is find a way to bring her by herself so at least he's not at the shop with her. Or order online. Or if you don't like those ideas you'll just have to explain to him. And deal with him kicking off it it happens

5yo is plenty old enough to know that he got toys, she got money. You can explain to him that as people get older they tend to give money, so he may well get the same when he's 8yo.
Or another way of looking at it, is she had toys at 5yo, so it wouldn't be fair if you give him some money.

Either try and go without him, or have something fun to do afterwards so he doesn't dwell on it.

Either take DD alone or give DS a token amount (like £5) he can spend?

I would give them both £5 or £10 so ds can buy something small for himself and it's fair to dd.

Completely agree with this. Though tbh I'm not sure I'd even offer B, maybe some sweets. Obviously you need to clearly explain why he's not getting anything.

Let your DD spend her birthday money. No need to take DS to the shops! Make it a special day for her.

When he's 8 he'll get money too. Maybe ket him choose 1 cheap thing if you take them bith shopping?

It’s your dd’s money and she shouldn’t have to share it, what a ridiculous idea.

can one of you not take dd to the toy shop and let her buy a toy and the other stay at home with your son? I agree with fil, it is a life lesson.

if one of you can’t take her then son goes along too and you give both him and dd £5 to spend.

Thanks all, sometimes it’s hard to see clearly 😂 I wouldn’t make her give him money, don’t worry. She’s a very young 8, autistic and with some other conditions and she often gives him things so it was more my husband suggesting it because she’d probably do it anyway. He does share his toys to be fair, they’ve both played with all the bits he got for his birthday! Lots of action figures and Lego which they both like.
completely agree that toy shop would be easier as a solo trip but not very possible as it’s summer holidays and my husband works so hard to find time when I’m just with her but will try that!
she absolutely should not give in to a male tantrum or be taught that her wants and needs are secondary to a man’s; I’m very feminist and this just wouldn’t happen here. If anything, he’s the poor maligned one as she gets a lot of focus and attention due to her needs.

Remind your son that he got presents for his Birthday and, instead of presents, his sister was gifted money.
Don't give him half of her Birthday money, that's totally unfair.
I'm with your FIL.

Majorly overthinking op
Your FIL is right ds got gifts dd got money to effectively get her own. There's not place for your ds in this really.

recently DD (6) had her birthday and was given a lot of money which she wanted to go to smyths with so we took her and ds (3) who’s birthday is in January and yes he looked at lots of things and asked for things but we explained that Dd was spending her birthday money and that if he likes something we’ll see if Santa can get it or for his birthday and he was fine with it. Children have to learn unfortunately that life isn’t fair and not everyone gets the same things.

I don’t get why this is a post. Fairness does not mean make it 100% equal - things all work out in the end and anyone penny pinching or counting beans are miserable. Take them to the toy shop, she can spend up to £45, he can choose one small toy that you pay for (don’t think of a monetary amount as this then sounds like a gift). He already got lots of presents so it’s a token gesture to feel included at 5. Lots of siblings don’t have birthdays close and this never matters other times of year.

You DO NOT give half her cash to her little brother!
Just tell the little boy that he got presents from his friends and family, and they gave her money instead so she could choose what she wanted. End of. I have 3 kids and I'd never have done that to them. It's a simple explaination which kids can easily accept. If not, then tough, that's the way it is. If the boy wants money instead next year, then he can ask for that.
Let the girl enjoy her birthday money for what it was inended for, her own presents.

Why should your daughter give half of her birthday money to her brother? Ridiculous idea. The money was gifted to her and her alone to spend as she wishes. If you choose to give your son money the you also have to give your daughter the same amount. I can't believe this is a dilemma. You treat them both equally. Your son had his 'share' in the form of wrapped presents. This is a teachable moment, to him, though I doubt this will be an issue if you took your daughter shopping without her brother.

This.

and she definitely should not give brother her birthday money!

Your son is 5 he is more than old enough to understand that his sisters birthday money is hers and that he hasn't been treated unfairly. He has had money spent on him for his birthday it's already fair. Is your son saying it isn't fair or are you worrying that he will see it as he has nothing because his sister got birthday money and he didn't due to having gifts?

You don’t. It’s her money given to her.

I have 3 kids, birthdays close together. I explain that ds is spending birthday money and when it's their birthday they can spend theirs. When it's one of my dd's, I say the same. And that's just the way it is. My kids are 8.6 and 3. You just need to explain it, otherwise you will have the same issue every year.

WTF am I even reading, this is ridiculous!! Has your husband been listening to the Tate brothers

cant you take her alone and leave him at home with someone?