I know life isn’t fair, but I’m struggling with this

[Jealoussojealous]

I know life isn’t fair, and I know I will be labelled as horribly jealous, but I will admit it first, I am horribly, disgustingly jealous of her life and it physically hurts me to think about it. My ‘friend’ gets almost £1000 a month from benefits, mostly PIP which she is falsely claiming. She uses this money to visit her boyfriend of 4 months in another country. She is now over 3 months pregnant with this man, so she got pregnant almost immediately. She is now getting housed in a matter of weeks, either through the council, or privately renting with lots of contribution from housing benefit. She has never worked a single day in her entire life. I am working self employed 6 days a week, studying my uni degree, and have been with my boyfriend for over two years, yet I barely earn more than her, we live in a tiny studio which we both work full time to afford, and have been ‘trying’ (not really trying, more seeing what happens) for a baby for almost two years with no luck. She will be in her lovely flat paid for mostly by the government, with her lovely little baby, and will never have to ever work, and never has done, while myself and my boyfriend will likely remain childless, in a small flat and working full time jobs for the foreseeable future.

Making a decision to live off benefits means your friend will struggle financially.

I get PIP and UC and it's really hard trying to raise a family.

You are getting a degree and have your own business. Your earning power will only increase, beyond the level your friend can access.

She is on benefits, pregnant to a man who lives abroad and is about to try and find a rented house to raise her child.

I can't fully work out why you are so bitterly jealous.

Some advice I heard years ago and have found to be very true through the years is "If you don't like your life, wait five years."

I had this same kind of issue when I was young. I knew a couple of young women my age who sat on their behinds during the day and partied at night, living off government benefits that seemed to me obviously unnecessary. They had as much or more than I did, plus endless time to play. Meanwhile, I wasn't having much fun at all, going to school and working and living on practically nothing. Of course I felt resentful.

But now we're all older and guess what? I have a nice home, a nice life, a nice stable family and no financial worries. And they are in the same position they were in decades ago. The government might help you scrape by, but that's all.

Soon, you will have a solid education behind you and a good paying job. You'll be able to take plenty of trips and you'll be able to set your future child up for a great life, with a guy you've got a solid relationship with.

Having no job skills, living off unnecessary government benefits and pregnant by some guy she only knew for a month might seem envy-worth in the very, very short term to someone who's struggling the honorable way but that's all. She should be envious of you. (And she probably is).

But she has accomplished literally nothing by your account. She left school at 14 or 15 (does she even have GCSEs?), lives with her parents, has never worked, and is pregnant by someone who lives in another country and whom she could barely have known when she conceived. It’s not clear whether she will cope with living alone, it’s not clear if she will cope with solo pregnancy, let alone with being a single mother with MH struggles. Which part of this sounds like an enviable existence to you?

For her sake and yours I would walk away from this tainted "friendship". Why are you friends anyway with a deadbeat, soon to be single mother? You are poles apart and everything she does makes you rage with anger. I appreciate that you're not very old yourself and you will soon learn that we all go through many different incarnations in life and out grow many friendships/connections. You are working hard towards a stable and rewarding future. Personally I think you are too young to have a baby and not at the right stage yet. It will stop you in your tracks, hold you back and add complications that you didn't even know existed. Are you jealous because she is pregnant?

£1000 isn't even minimum wage. Hardly living in luxury and certainly doesn't seem enough to go travelling to other counties. If you're earning not much less on 6 days a week you need to work on your own career

My ‘friend’ gets almost £1000 a month from benefits, mostly PIP which she is falsely claiming. She uses this money to visit her boyfriend of 4 months in another country. She is now over 3 months pregnant with this man, so she got pregnant almost immediately.

You’re an absolute fool if you’re jealous of that. Honestly! Jealously does weird things. Change your perspective - be proud of your life, most people would choose yours over hers!

I'm on PIP for severe OCD, PTSD and depression/anxiety, and getting it awarded is HARD.
To get daily living she needs to score points with needing at least encouragement and prompting (2 points per activity for that, 4, 6 etc depending on level of help needed) for abilty to dress, wash, toilet, take medications, cook, manage money, interact with others etc. I think you need over 12 total points to get enhanced rate. Enhanced rate is about £450 a month.
There are areas i should have scored max points as i cant do it at all, but i only got the 2 points and marked as just needing prompting.
For enhanced mobility again you need to get 12 points which again i should get as i can only leave the house chaperoned and by car, unable to take any journey on foot, and i was only scored 10 so only get standard which is £100 a month compared to £340 enhanced rate.
My original assessment i only got awarded standard living, no mobility, Had to appeal to get the enhanced living, and only got standard mobility when a close relative whose more mobile than me got enhanced. Was too scared to go to tribunal as i couldn't physically attend anyway to push for the enhanced mobility.

Your friend would get a maximum of £790 a month on enhanced rate of both components.
PIP assessors are very stingy with point giving, especially for mental health conditions, as so many of the assessors are NOT mh trained doctors, infact, they can be doctors, nurses, some are just physio's etc with no training or understanding at all of MH conditions.

If your friend is as capable as she says she is and that she exaggerated/lied, then she must have spun a very tall tale to get what shes getting, and got very lucky with her assessor. I doubt her next assessment will go as smoothly, and wouldn't be surprised if it crashed down round her ears nil award. At least you have a secure, stable income, those of us genuinely on PIP etc are at one persons mercy, one decision away from being left destitute with no income, and then have the distress of reconsiderations and appeals.

I understand your frustration OP. Benefits are awarded unfairly, no doubt about it. I’ve been a GP for a long time and I’ve seen patients who I know really well applying for benefits, PIP etc. There seems to be no consistency. I remember a man with one leg and poorly controlled diabetes being told he wasn’t eligible for anything, while people with more subjective conditions (anxiety, back pain - no specific diagnostic tests so just relying on reporting of symptoms) successfully getting high levels of benefit. I can only assume different assessors behave differently. It’s very unfair.

Op as someone who married at 22 and didn't get pregnant until 32 despite not using any contraception, I firmly believe it was due to stress. We worked very hard to buy our flat in London. Eventually my dh burnt out.

We did get it checked out but got no real answers though I did fall pregnant. Get yourself referred, nhs ivf (if you need it) has a 2 year waiting list and check how many cycles you qualify for. My GP took 9 months fannying around making me do repetitive blood tests

You're jealous because you're TTC

You're in your early twenties, you have years to make money, build a good business and have a family. You don't need it all now, these things take time but if you have a degree and a good relationship you're a million times better off than your friend and it should pay dividends

OP, I've just seen how old you are. You're no worse off than a lot of people your age studying and working. I lived off £80 a week after bills in my early 20s. It shouldn't last, although having a baby at this point in your life will make it significantly harder to settle into a career and build money gradually.

It's highly unlikely the majority of the money your friend gets is PIP. In fact, given that she lives with her parents, it's really hard to see how her benefits entitlement is anywhere near £1000.

She won’t have gotten her PIP by just making false unsubstantiated claims. It has to be evidenced by her GP and specialist appointments. If it were as easy as you say then everyone would be doing it. There are thousands of claims that are genuine that get rejected every year. The criteria is tough. She’s clearly lying about fraudulently claiming, probably to gain attention or the kick she gets out of bragging and making you jealous. That’s not something a person with any stable mental health does regardless. If she’s not been to further education and her guardian and authorities didn’t bother to offer her any support or care enough to make sure she’s accessed education then I expect she’s had a really shit upbringing and her anxieties aren’t made up. I couldn’t imagine not caring that my child hasn’t gone to school because that’s basic parenting.

There are however, only a certain amount of days per year you’re allowed to go abroad and still claim benefits so if you’re correct that she goes away that often and claims then yes she definitely is fraudulently claiming in that respect. If it bothers you that much just report her and end your friendship with her, for your own mental health. Stop being jealous of someone who is clearly not a marvel to be envied. They won’t take her child off her they will make her pay it back and get a job. Problem solved. Stop brooding with bitterness if you’re not going to be proactive in changing the situation. That makes you a real loser, not the fact you’ve had the pride to work an honest day in your life whilst she hasn’t.

You sound vile.

Does your “friend” know you speak about her like this?

It’s one thing being jealous, but to be so vitriolic is another.

Agree. Really very nasty.

I think the actions are more vile than my words

I know what you mean. Pisses me off to no end. I'm annoyed that I'm trying to lose weight by exercising and counting calories, yet a single mum I know has got the fat loss jabs and lost 10lbs in a week already 😡

@Jealoussojealous You need to distance yourself from this friend and find friends that inspire you to have the life you want. Because surely you don't want the life of benefits? You must have a vision? Go towards that.

You have opportunities though whereas this is pretty much as good as it gets for her.

Maybe take some time to take stock and assess whether there is any way you can use your skills, qualifications and experience to improve things? Maybe move elsewhere?

Fuck sake I'm getting heartily sick of these disability benefits bashing posts by so called " friends" who know nothing about just how difficult it is to claim them!!I receive enhanced rates of both components( rates an easy Google online)
Keep your fucking nose out and get yourself a life

I was with you until you made the spread your legs comment op. And sorry but if she didn't attend school past the age of ten then she didn't have the best of childhoods either; obviously you fought through much better in response to yours.

I can see why you are frustrated.

Mostly it's very hard to get PIP as I know people who apply for it on behalf of their SEN DC. Obviously there will be a few that fall through the net. I know people with ASD also who struggle terribly with anxiety and mask and don't claim anything. And there are all varieties in between.

The nub of the matter is, that when people compromise their own integrity and lie to themselves and others, they become dependent on those lies for their survival, and it never ends well.

Becoming pregnant to a bf in another country doesn't sound like a very good situation to be in tbh. Nor is being dependent on the state to house you and your baby because it brings with it little choice or autonomy. It might seem like the easy route to you but the long term consequences are no picnic.

Keep putting your head down and put blinkers on and continue to work hard towards your own goals op and ultimately you will have far more choice, autonomy and financial freedom. And personal integrity.

And feel free, next time she rings you at inappropriate times to talk about flat hunting to say something like, "can't talk now as I am working" and rinse and repeat, she'll soon get the message.

Honestly don’t care if people don’t like the spread your legs comment I made, is that not what she did?

I had a friend like that, it was in the days of Incapacity Benefit, she never worked a day and when she met her in-work partner he moved in with her and they did not declare it so she continued to have the majority of her rent and council tax paid and they definitely had a better standard of living than me. She then disclosed to me that she had a "sugar daddy" who paid for her driving lessons, bought her a new car when she passed her test, treated her to designer clothes, very expensive perfume, and even bought her a rolex! Needless to say it all went a bit wrong when her partner found out. I told her that while I would never dob her in it with the DWP she would more than likely get found out. She told me that she had had a home visit from them and hid all trace of her partner so hey did not catch her out. Anyway she fell out with me for calling her a "scrounger" (which I never did but I guess there was some projection going on there), and it was for the best as I always felt a mixture of resentment and discomfort about her life style. She had more than me materially but it was all achieved through deceit, deceiving the tax payer and deceiving her partner. I always worked for my money and have my self respect . So why was I her friend? I liked her, she was kind, sweet and had been though a lot but she spent at least 15 years of her life on benefits and scamming the system which on some level must be more stressful than working.

In that case she must be clinically obese. If you're not, why not just think yourself lucky you're not?

Also, the demonising of single mums on this thread is bloody disgusting.

Yep. On a site aimed mainly at mothers, too. Not really in the spirit of the site, is it?

Why would you try for a baby while living in a studio flat? I think your friend is the least of your worries.