I know life isn’t fair, but I’m struggling with this

[Jealoussojealous]

I know life isn’t fair, and I know I will be labelled as horribly jealous, but I will admit it first, I am horribly, disgustingly jealous of her life and it physically hurts me to think about it. My ‘friend’ gets almost £1000 a month from benefits, mostly PIP which she is falsely claiming. She uses this money to visit her boyfriend of 4 months in another country. She is now over 3 months pregnant with this man, so she got pregnant almost immediately. She is now getting housed in a matter of weeks, either through the council, or privately renting with lots of contribution from housing benefit. She has never worked a single day in her entire life. I am working self employed 6 days a week, studying my uni degree, and have been with my boyfriend for over two years, yet I barely earn more than her, we live in a tiny studio which we both work full time to afford, and have been ‘trying’ (not really trying, more seeing what happens) for a baby for almost two years with no luck. She will be in her lovely flat paid for mostly by the government, with her lovely little baby, and will never have to ever work, and never has done, while myself and my boyfriend will likely remain childless, in a small flat and working full time jobs for the foreseeable future.

"Everything you've ever wanted" consists of a boyfriend who's never there, who'll soon be an absent father leaving her to raise a child alone, with no prospects?

I would report her, also she probably won't be in a nice flat wheras you can save for a mortgage and yes this is a judgement but if she's known him 4 months and he lives abroad he's unlikely to stay with her, I'd rather be you and you will get there

Drop her- she's a loser.

Not for the adhd and anxiety. Maybe if one of us had a breakdown from all the stressors of trying to keep our lives afloat then we’d get a reward from the government…

Working 40 hours a week for a studio flat? Even you don’t sound convinced

It’s not much fun on benefits is it. I doubt you can really do anything fabulous. You are giving yourself choices. If you have a job, anything is possible

Of course not. That bit I was wrong on. She’s got a house, a baby, and doesn’t have to struggle through work for her income so it is almost there though.

PIP isn't a 'reward'.

Ah, see that’s where you’re wrong. She’s going abroad every month, getting her hair done, her nails done etc. She’s doing more fabulous stuff than me let’s just say that.

Would you genuinely swap lives with her OP? I think I'd prefer your life, with a job, stable partner and future prospects.

Yes it feels unfair, especially as your life is much busier than hers, but free time is only really a luxury when you have too little of it. Unemployed people don't have great mental health despite all this free time.

Focus instead on your life, perhaps start trying a little less casually for a baby as it sounds like that's the thing hurting you the most, maybe get blood tests or see the GP to put your mind at rest.

Counterpoint: This is her ceiling - this is the best she is ever going to be and the most she is every going to achieve.

On the other hand, if you work hard in your career and on self-improvement, you have the potential to achieve far more than she will, and be much happier as a consequence.

We would ALL rather have a passive income than to work for it.

You just come off as mean.

I am not sure if she is faking it if it was so bad she couldn’t finish school? She may have social anxiety which would affect her ability to do some thing and not others. I hardly think she has a life to be jealous of OP. Focus on yourself and the plan to progress your own career and life and leave her be if you aren’t on board with her life choices.

That’s true, as the definition of a reward is ‘a thing given in recognition of service, effort, or achievement.’

"Ah, see that’s where you’re wrong. She’s going abroad every month, getting her hair done, her nails done etc. She’s doing more fabulous stuff than me let’s just say that."

On £1k a month ?

Since it's so easy and luxurious then quit your job and live your best life, slay queen.

There are two separate problems here 1) PIP, 2)How OP feels about other people being taken care of by society/the government.

Absent PIP—imagine there were no benefits or support offered to those with a disability that prevents them from being successfully gainfully employed? You don’t have to imagine it. You end up either with impoverished families, mass homelessness, or workhouses.

OP herself, to come to the second point, experiences her “friends “ situation as a personal insult (as though she is personally paying for this woman’s PIP). I think on a psychological level this is not uncommon for people who have experienced hardship OP lives in a financially precarious way in a high ZCOL time/place and because she chose to time out on her receipt of benefits at 16. So in her mind its a zero sum game: if C gets benefits they come out of my pickett. But OP herself has received benefits —being in the foster care system is also benefitting from a social scheme which taxes everyone, even struggling families, to pay for families that can’t manage their own obligation to care for their children. She also is supported by collective taxation for roads and schools and nhs. Should those all be scrutinized too?

Yes, what @Mumlaplomb said. Leave her be if you aren't on board with her life choices.

The grass is always greener, and what you perceive as a 'fabulous' life may not be the truth of it at all. You're seeing the edited highlights.You don't know what's going on in her head.

£1000 is nothing per month, by the time she pays for bills , food, etc she will be left with very little. A lot of people have depression , anxiety and undiagnosed ADHD which makes it very hard to get into employment. Unfortunately , I've heard from friends and family with genuine health/mental health issues you do have to lay it on heavy so they will take it seriously, not about faulsly claiming ( although some people might) its the apparent wording that needs to be used so you can get the benefits that you need. If you are not happy with your friend I'd cut her out your life, you both are clearly different people

This was actually very helpful. Thank you. Logically, I’d rather my own life. It is so hard to be rational about it though when you see others skipping through the hard parts and getting straight to it with no work required. Not to be too TMI about the baby situation, but we have unprotected sex every time (frequently), it’s just that we don’t track ovulation etc. I do want to go to the doctor to see what’s going on but to be honest I am terrified of knowing. I keep just hoping it’s going to happen. I don’t want to go to the doctor just to be told it’s never going to.

^

I couldn’t get jealous over someone who has no morals.

Yep.

Don't castigate yourself about feeling jealous, because this country is screwed, wrong is right and right is wrong and virtue signalling of the sort - oh, you don't know how they suffer, etc. nonsense and 'many disabilities are hidden' is the order of the day. But you have to do something to prevent yourself from disintegrating inside, because the way our country is run is a joke, a cruel joke for those working and never claiming any benefits. If I were you, I would cut her as a friend, because I would dislike myself around her, not her, but I would dislike the way I feel around her.

Ah. There it is. The thing that is missing.

You seem very scared about seeing a doctor about TTC, but please don't be - they hear this stuff ALL the time, and the vast majority of couples do conceive naturally. Tracking ovulation is the most useful method, and there are loads of apps that are free and easy to use.

The chances of it NEVER happening are very slim.

You're just trying to distract people from the fact that you've messed up your job by claiming that your friend pays rent, bills, has constant holidays, trips to the hairdresser and has her nails done on £1000 a month.