I know life isn’t fair, but I’m struggling with this

[Jealoussojealous]

I know life isn’t fair, and I know I will be labelled as horribly jealous, but I will admit it first, I am horribly, disgustingly jealous of her life and it physically hurts me to think about it. My ‘friend’ gets almost £1000 a month from benefits, mostly PIP which she is falsely claiming. She uses this money to visit her boyfriend of 4 months in another country. She is now over 3 months pregnant with this man, so she got pregnant almost immediately. She is now getting housed in a matter of weeks, either through the council, or privately renting with lots of contribution from housing benefit. She has never worked a single day in her entire life. I am working self employed 6 days a week, studying my uni degree, and have been with my boyfriend for over two years, yet I barely earn more than her, we live in a tiny studio which we both work full time to afford, and have been ‘trying’ (not really trying, more seeing what happens) for a baby for almost two years with no luck. She will be in her lovely flat paid for mostly by the government, with her lovely little baby, and will never have to ever work, and never has done, while myself and my boyfriend will likely remain childless, in a small flat and working full time jobs for the foreseeable future.

Never wish yourself in another woman's shoes. You do not know what she has been through, nor what life has in store for her.

It's not your business how she gets or spends her money. I think this is needling you because of an underlying lack of something - what is it you feel you are missing in your life? Contented people don't resent others for living their lives the way they see fit - there is something about you that you are not dealing with, or haven't addressed or acknowledged.

This isn't about her or her lifestyle, it's about you. Would you be open to exploring some Acceptance & Commitment Therapy to try to work out why this bothers you so much, and how to move on from it?

You clearly don’t like her very much. And this friendship is making you upset. Just end it. Jealousy is not a nice trait.

I have ADHD and anxiety, I'd rather not work too. If she has made the choice to not do that and live off £1000 rather than working for more money then that is a choice she is completely entitled to make.

You sound like you don't believe her that she has ADHD or anxiety. I would say that's not for you to diagnose. It is perfectly possible for anxiety to prevent you from doing one thing but not another- people with anxiety dont all just stay inside their homes never going anywhere. That opinion is ignorant and ableist.

I don't know why you keep calling her a friend, you are not her friend.

As a pp has already explained, many people with mental health difficulties are ashamed of their symptoms. Your friend may indeed be a fraud, but it is not beyond the realms of possibility that she finds it less embarrassing to pretend that she falsely exaggerates her symptoms rather than to admit the extent to which she is actually struggling.

I have adhd. It makes basic adulting so, so difficult, but most people have no idea how much I struggle because I choose not to share this with them. It's embarrassing. Plus, there are lots of things that I can do as well as the ones that I can't, including some stuff that other people might find quite challenging, so most people who know me would just make assumptions that I'm capable of the basic stuff that I find so difficult. I work FT, have never claimed any benefits, and choose not to declare my adhd in work, so I have no reason to fake my difficulties. But they are real nonetheless.

@Jealoussojealous she will have to start work when the baby is a certain age ( 3 i think??) also please do report her, she's clearly on the fiddle and shouldn't be getting away with it

Then you clearly have no idea what its like living with either of them, and your opinion is probably irrelevant. In any case if you believe the system to be wrong and that people with those shouldn't be able to claim, that isn't your friend's fault- she's just claiming what she's entitled to.

What even is "a bit of anxiety"?

It's possibly why it's in trending topics though. Honestly, I used to feel a bit like that about someone once and a mutual friend said "But you wouldn't want her life so just focus on yourself". It's true that I wouldn't want her life.

But I do think posts like yours get people all riled up and that doesn't benefit people who really need PIP. My disability is hidden so there's no way you'd think that I should be entitled to PIP and neither do the assessors.

I won’t be going to therapy in order to accept that someone has had everything handed to them on a plate. The ‘underlying lack of something’ you speak of is my lack of free money, my lack of child, my lack of a free house, my lack of being paid for my mental health.

Yes - focus on yourself, not on what others are doing.

Your life has room to grow and change. Hers does not. Maybe she's envious of YOUR life. Maybe she's trying to impress you by showing that she's clever enough to game the system. Maybe she's trying to play down the idea of having a mental illness and is framing it as something else.

Who knows what's going on inside her head? The only person whose outlook you can fully know, whose actions you can decide, is you.

My boyfriend has diagnosed adhd and anxiety, I have diagnosed anxiety. So yes I do.

And I think it's disgusting that some people are so ignorant about mental health, but there you go.

There are many people with adhd and anxiety who are perfectly able to work, with or without reasonable adjustments, depending on their needs. But there will be some who can't, for whatever reason. These conditions affect everyone differently.

If someone has provided medical evidence to support the fact that they are not fit to work, what is it exactly that makes you think you know better than the professionals?

Whilst she says she exaggerated you really can’t get PIP without evidence from an official source.

I was on benefits for several years as I cared for my disabled child, it was awful. The stigma, knowing people think you’re a scrounger, not feeling in control of my own situation.

You don’t sound as if you like her much, so avoid her if it annoys you too much, but having lived solely on benefits, be careful what you wish for. It’s not the rosy, easy life that everyone says it is.

And you don't think either of you should be entitled to any help, should you ever need it?

A strange opinion, but nonetheless nothing to do with your friend. Thankfully the system isn't as small minded as you are.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves absolutely, and I think we get so used to our difficulties and avoiding certain things that we forget they exist. So we then minimise them to others. We don't want people looking down on us either. The spiky profile confuses a lot of people.

Report her

Oh, OK. I did feel sorry for you, but now you've just shown yourself to be a miserable bastard.

Do this woman a favour and stop pretending to be her friend.

Let me just lay this all out. I DO NOT believe that people with hidden disabilities shouldn’t get PIP. I DO believe that she shouldn’t be, and that she has got everything I’ve ever wanted without ever working towards anything at all, ever.

You sound really ignorant. Are you not aware that conditions like adhd and anxiety affect people differently?

Gosh, such a lot of people have friends who openly tell them they are falsely claiming disability benefits. It's almost as if the government are about to announce changes to them.
If it makes you feel better family of mine on PIP are very much disabled, but never mind them when they get caught up in all this vitriol towards disabled people, and they end up penniless, because no, stopping their benefits won't magically make them able to work.

Not surprised you are shocked - am saddened about the PIP, as someone who is fighting to get it......

So if you think she is committing fraud, report her.

I would honestly not waste your time feeling jealous of her. If you are going to be jealous of anyone (and I just don't advocate jealousy anyway) then you might as well set your sights a bit higher OP!!

Try not to focus so much on the details of her life. It really doesn't sound like the dream life she may have wished for herself... on benefits and up the duff with someone it sounds like she hardly knows. Also sounds like she is going to be a single mum which won't actually be fun believe it or not!! You on the other hand sound like you have a whole self made future ahead of you which is how it should be. Jealousy is a fallacy in my mind anyway. You never know what is really going on in peoples lives or more importantly what is just around the corner for them. She may be destined to be hit by a bus tomorrow (god forbid) or may actually have something completely debilitating brewing that does require pip. Focus on making your life better and just remember there may well be people that look at you and think how lucky you are.

Good for her.

Hopefully she can ditch you soon too and have a full house of good luck.

Yeah I’m miserable, obviously