Context is my DH and I have had marriage troubles, and saw a really good couples therapist 2023-24 who helped us really understand our issues under the surface - both had difficult upbringings. We have a 4yo and I had a difficult birth in Covid and we also had money worries and no wider family to help - so things got fractured for a while. Sex stopped happening mainly as I didn't feel up to it, even after I'd healed from the birth and ever since. He was emotionally distant and I was physically distant.
During the bad patch when we were arguing, he would use OnlyFans to watch live things and get himself off. It was gross and I expressed how much I hated it. But at the same time I did understand that he was massively frustrated as I wasn't having sex with him.
Anyway fast forward and things have been much better and we've been emotionally closer and more understanding even though external challenges have continued. We have felt more of a team and we don't really argue anymore. However, the sex still hasn't started up again properly, bar the occasional quick thing, but very rare.
I want to work on it but feel after so much has happened I don't know where to start, and also a lot of my issues around tiredness, body image, lack of confidence have remained, so I have no libido.
In the meantime I'm pretty sure DH looks at Pornhub, and he's obviously really sexually frustrated which I get, and I've seen him looking at Netflix shows with sexy women in, and women online (daily mail sidebar of shame) and just a lot of the time during his down time. Basically I feel like he has sex on the brain and is really frustrated.
Aaanyway, today I used DH's phone whilst he was doing DC bedtime because my battery had died. His browser was open on a page showing he had either booked or tried booking a "Thai Massage", while at work today in the City. I then looked at his history and saw he had googled Thai massage in the City of London before locating a booking site which seemed like a legit booking site for treatments etc.
I'm confused and feeling depressed about this. I don't know if he went or just tried to book. He doesn't get massages by the way, ever. And so if he suddenly went randomly for a massage and it was innocent he would have told me right? Was he going out of a sexual reason to get a thrill? I assume these were legit places but his rationale I don't trust was straightforward massage.
I don't know what to say or do? If I ask him it looks like I snooped (which I did) and would break his trust altogether - what's left of it.
How should I proceed?