What things are “very Mumsnet”

[Kibble29]

Lighthearted of course before anyone says otherwise.

I really enjoy the threads that remind you of things that are quintessentially MN but rarely come up in real life. They always throw up lots of quips that I’ve forgotten about.

Such as:

(24 year old man with 2 children and a mortgage cheats on his wife, wife posts about it)

MN: have you considered that he doesn’t yet have a fully developed frontal lobe and this may contribute to his impulsive behaviour?

You need to look up the Centreparcs = bum sex thread @ChristmasInTheDistance, you wont regret it!

Everyone has a massive amount saved for their pension pot, yet creates threads along the lines of ‘I’ve only got £600k saved - will that be enough? Starting to panic’

The amount of people going no contact with their families on here is crazy. Never heard of anyone in real life doing it, ever.

The number of women who have ridiculously low standards for their relationships is sad.

Also quite sad, and ties in with the above / anyone complain

Every medical thread ends up requiring A&E, sepsis init.

Everyone has a cleaner, nanny and private education but can't do the maths to figure out how their friends can afford a holiday abroad and they can't.

Every Tory = good, Labour = bad thread is obviously a bot.

I’m too scared!!!😀

Also:

What did he say when you (did / said whatever the poster is passively aggressively recommending)?

I work 3hrs a week and do all the childcare and cleaning, yet split the bills with my £200k p.a. earning husband - is this normal?

I don’t know how you can possibly contemplate spending a weekend away from your child to see your friends - don’t you feel like a shit mother? Personally I couldn’t as I breastfed until they were 11 and have just moved into uni halls as we are still cosleeping - they’re just my whole life. If you can’t even do that, why would you bother having children?

My arm has fallen off, shall I go to A&E, or shall I continue to post on MN until my battery runs out, or I bleed to death?

Not half as scared as the poor woman whose husband thought Centrparcs was an opportunity to spice things up @ChristmasInTheDistance - its a v funny thread!!

You need to up your protein.someone suggested giving a kid a skinless chicken thigh to "gnaw on" for breakfast in order to ...up their protein 🤣🤣🤣🤣

LTB

general weird claims about what you ‘need’ to have for children, you need to have an extra living room for teens and pay £12k a year for flute lessons.

no one can afford more than 2 children

Oops, pressed post to soon:

Anyone complaining that it’s their birthday and that they received nothing/not much from anyone in their family, gets shouted down.
Eg, ‘I turned 40 today, and got a bunch of flowers from the garage that DH bought on his way home, a cheap card from Poundland, and a ready meal. AIBU to have expected a bit more effort?’

Replies always include ‘you should be grateful you got a card and flowers’ / birthdays are for kids, stop being a prima Donna etc

Teens who are awake at 4 in the morning on screens because," that's how they socialise these days".
But small children must never ever behave poorly, they should know better, teens get a free pass because of hormones.

"I was walking down a busy road and an elderly lady tripped over on the pavement. Everyone simply stepped over her and continued their shopping, but I stopped and gave her first aid. I rang her family and held her hand before the ambulance arrived and then I accompanied her to hospital".

"Did I do the wrong thing? Because a friend said I did so I'm beginning to doubt myself."

Yeah, you should've reported her body as a fly tip 🙄

These are hilarious and completely accurate 🤣

Particularly agree with the assumption that everyone is a narcissist and men follow some sort of script.

Getting ducks in a row comes up a lot. As does the idea that any child who has a Happy Meal is destined for death.

And sporty kids doing wanky activities. Every teenage boy is at least 6 foot and can eat 8 plates of pasta for dinner too.

Assuming everyone can afford to
pack a bag and spend the night in a hotel or book a spa weekend every time their dh/dp does something wrong.
Or
"just get a cleaner!"

Anyone asking about having a last baby before their ovaries shrivel up is persuaded not to.

Everyone earning 100k but asking for help to budget as it's never enough

Everyone's DH is either a narcissist, or is amazing as he 'helps' at home

The MN chicken

Joules.

I don't know anyone who wears Joules in real life.

Can't mention DH's hobby as it's too outing!

It's golf, isn't it?

Or cycling - got to be one or the other.

Or cycling.

But it's never taxidermy or unicorn riding.

Saying 'you sound unhinged' to any slightly odd poster 🙈 I see it constantly!

'You sound quite young'.

Why not just say you sound as immature as fuck?

When any poster argues with their husband, it’s “he was screaming at me to shut up, he called me a cow and said he wished I was dead. I calmly asked him to please not speak to me like that and please lower your voice”.

How come the poster always says please, doesn’t raise their voice, NEVER swears..?

Not really light-hearted, but:

Every woman on MN who isn't married to the father of their DC gives DC their own surname.

Every woman I've met in real life who isn't married to the father of their DC gives DC their dad's surname.

See also: “are you always this needy, OP?”